Anything but the Love Boat

By Elka Hacker

Forget everything you’ve heard, seen, or read about cruise ships so far. This book is not about glitz and glamour and the always smiling people you might have seen on TV or in print ads. You know the ones trying to give the impression that life at sea is always fun and relaxing. If everything goes according to plan it might!

This book is dedicated to crews working on international cruise ships. We had good, great and fabulous times and laughed a lot but for the most part it was hard work. People from all different walks of life come together to work on a cruise ship. People of fifty-eight+ nationalities and religious backgrounds bring their experiences and ethnicities to work. All with different expectations; some want to see the world whereas others need to support their families.

Most people think that working at sea is always exciting and full of adventure. Why? Does the ‘Love Boat’ have something to do with it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of fun working with fabulous people, people you’d probably never meet on land. However, the hierarchy implemented is strict and probably best compared with the army. If you can’t adjust, you’d better start packing.

My years working on the high seas with the best known international cruise lines come together in this book. Not to compromise anybody, names, destinations, and routes have been changed. The cruise line ‘Star Cruises Holidays’ only exists on paper and the vessel ‘Star Rise’ is a work of fiction, too. The stories you are about to enjoy come from my personal experience and those of my colleagues. All good soldiers in the ‘Army of the Sea’ I tell you, nothing and nobody can prepare you for working on a cruise ship. You’re experiencing levels of stress that reach new dimensions. I’ve tried to put my experience into two fictional cruises and hope to give you an idea about working and living at sea. It is a regular job to many men and women with regular lives, loves and all the ups and downs that life brings to us. That’s why the people you work with are so very important, more important than on land.

A human resources manager of a major cruise line once told me: ‘Picture the job like being on stage, when the curtain rises you ‘smile’. Nobody is interested if you just quarreled with your boyfriend or have family problems. The guests are there to experience the vacation of a life time that is what they paid for.’

So get ready, get set...we’re off to sea! Enjoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elka Hacker
• Release date: Aug 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301538386

Elka Hacker

Works as freelance interpreter/translator and language coach. Holds a degree in interpreting and make-up artistry and worked on cruise ships in various positions. Enjoys travel and meeting new people. Best described as globetrotter.

Book preview

Anything But The Love Boat

By Elka Hacker

Copyright 2013 Elka Hacker

Smashwords Edition

Author’s Note

Forget everything you’ve heard, seen, or read about cruise ships so far. This book is not about glitz and glamour and the always smiling people you might have seen on TV or in print ads. You know the ones trying to give the impression that life at sea is always fun and relaxing. If everything goes according to plan it might!

This book is dedicated to crews working on international cruise ships. We had good, great and fabulous times and laughed a lot but for the most part it was hard work. People from all different walks of life come together to work on a cruise ship. People of fifty-eight+ nationalities and religious backgrounds bring their experiences and ethnicities to work. All with different expectations; some want to see the world whereas others need to support their families.

Most people think that working at sea is always exciting and full of adventure. Why? Does the ‘Love Boat’ have something to do with it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot of fun working with fabulous people, people you’d probably never meet on land. However, the hierarchy implemented is strict and probably best compared with the army. If you can’t adjust, you’d better start packing.

My years working on the high seas with the best known international cruise lines come together in this book. Not to compromise anybody, names, destinations, and routes have been changed. The cruise line ‘Star Cruises Holidays’ only exists on paper and the vessel ‘Star Rise’ is a work of fiction, too. The stories you are about to enjoy come from my personal experience and those of my colleagues. All good soldiers in the ‘Army of the Sea’ I tell you, nothing and nobody can prepare you for working on a cruise ship. You’re experiencing levels of stress that reach new dimensions. I’ve tried to put my experience into two fictional cruises and hope to give you an idea about working and living at sea. It is a regular job to many men and women with regular lives, loves and all the ups and downs that life brings to us. That’s why the people you work with are so very important, more important than on land.

A human resources manager of a major cruise line once told me: ‘Picture the job like being on stage, when the curtain rises you ‘smile’. Nobody is interested if you just quarreled with your boyfriend or have family problems. The guests are there to experience the vacation of a life time that is what they paid for.’

So get ready, get set...we’re off to sea! Enjoy!

CONTENT

‘STAR RISE’

1. St. Juan - Mrs. Strater goes to sea

2. St. Thomas - one dead body comes seldom alone

3. St. Maarten - tender me gently

4. St. Lucia - oh boat drill, my boat drill

5. Antigua - who said rape?

6. At Sea - girls just wanna have fun

7. San Juan - embark and debark - bye and hi

8. Aruba - another drill in paradise

9. Curacao - minus one…

10. At Sea - somebody help me

11. Barbados - Norwalk why art thou?

12. St. Thomas - secrets and other misdemeanors

13. St. Juan - US Coast Guard

14. In the real world…

15. The ‘Who’s Who’ on cruise chips

16. Fictional characters

Chapter 1

St. Juan - Mrs. Strater Goes to Sea

Mrs. Strater in #6053 was livid. This was unacceptable. She had not spent her life savings on a cruise to stay in a cabin that smelled of smoke and liquor, and to make matters worse, the mattress hurt her back just from looking at it. Mr. Strater, after almost twenty-four hours of traveling was more than tired and only wanted to have his dining table and seating arrangements sorted, and to unpack, have a drink, have some food and RELAX.

Well, aren’t you going to do something, Harry?

What do you want me to do, Marjorie, change the mattress?

There is no reason to be smart with me. Go and do something.

Never a dull moment, Mr. Strater thought and left the cabin to find the cabin attendant in the hallway.

A cheery, whistling Jamaican guy in uniform with a big smile on his face spoke to Mr. Strater with a thick accent: Welcome aboard! My name is Melroon and I will be your cabin attendant for the cruise. How are you doing, sir? Everything all right?

I am afraid not, something’s wrong with our mattress and the cabin has a weird smell, Mr. Strater replied.

That’s not good. I cleaned da room myself this morning. Do ya mind me having a look? Melroon asked.

Course not. Come on in. Mr. Strater invited the attendant into the room.

Hello, Missus. My name is Melroon. The cheerful Jamaican introduced himself upon entering the cabin. I’ll be your room steward for this cruise.

Well, my name is Marjorie Strater and I’ll be your worst nightmare if you don’t sort this problem out for us. Has my husband explained the matter to you?

He said something about da mattress and da smell.

Well, can you smell the stench? And why don’t you try da mattress yourself? Mrs. Strater suggested imitating Melroon’s accent.

Marjorie, please. He’s trying to help. Harry Strater tried to calm matters down a bit while Melroon inspected the cabin and the bed.

No problem, everything cool, Melroon will fix da problem, and get back to you.

Before the six-foot tall wall of cheerfulness in front of him, Mr. Strater looked lost.

When exactly is that going to happen? Today? Tonight? Tomorrow? Marjorie Strater asked, in a very annoyed tone of voice.

Darling, please. Give the man some time.

Don’t you darling me, Marjorie shot back at her husband.

After working on ships for more than ten years, Melroon knew when it was time to leave. I’ll call my chief and get back to you ASAP, he said, leaving the cabin.

Marjorie, they’re all very busy out there with everybody coming on at the same time. Mr. Strater tried to calm his wife.

Not my problem, Mrs. Strater said. That’s what we pay big bucks for. If this Melroon does not get back to us within half an hour, we’ll go to the front desk to complain. I am not going to stay in this room. Let’s go down to the purser’s desk right now and see what they can do for us, she suggested.

Having cruised twice before, even though with another cruise line, Harry Strater knew procedures on board ships. Somebody has to make the arrangements for our table in the dining room; otherwise we’ll get one next to the kitchen entrance.

You only think about food, Harry, and God knows you can’t afford one extra pound.

Excuse me, but that’s what cruising is all about. Do you want me to go on a diet for the next seven days?

I’d say you better get your butt up to the gym and have a chat with the fitness instructor rather than the maitre d’, Mrs. Strater retorted with an eye on her husband’s extended waistline.

You know what, Marjorie? Go and talk to the cabin attendant, the pursers desk, the hotel manager or even the captain, but you’re going to do it without me because I am on my way to the BAR! Enough is enough.

What a way to start their wedding anniversary cruise! Strater had worked hard all his life. With a car dealership in Chicago that he’d build up from scratch and ran until retirement, life hadn’t exactly been a walk in the park for him. Once business was running it had almost taken care of itself. Everybody was buying cars in those days - American cars that sold for decent prices, not those cheap Japanese or Korean imports that ended up ruining his take on the deal. All that was behind him now. He’d sold the business while he’d still got a decent cut, had invested rather on the safe side than with risky papers, and now lived in a nice house in one of the supports of Chicago with his homemaker spouse Marjorie, who’d raised their two kids, a son and a daughter. They were out of the house now and lived their lives. No grandchildren yet. But hey, why not take it easy before taking on that kind of responsibility. The Straters had discovered cruising through one of their friends who practically lived on ships. You could get good deals if you booked well in advance and if there was one thing they had now it was time and a bit of money. This cruise had been advertised on the internet and he’d immediately taken advantage, thinking it was a good idea for an anniversary. Marjorie was one of those perfect little homemakers. Stepfort wives came to mind. If there was one person who’d find the pea underneath hundreds of mattresses it was her. Nothing wrong with that, Strater thought. His wife could have easily worked for one of the big hotel chains as a room inspector. The poor maids would have had a tough job with her on their backs. What the heck, Strater said. Not going to change Marjorie, won’t I? Going up to the pool bar for a nice drink...

In the meantime Melroon got in touch with the chief housekeeper’s office.

We are having a problem in #6053, Chief.

What’s the problem, Melroon?

I think the lady wants an upgrade or another cabin. She say it smell of smoke and liquor and da mattress hurt da back.

Okay, Melroon, let’s change the mattress and do something about that smell.

Will do, Chief. But I have other passengers coming on...

And, Melroon, do it quick, the chief instructed. Otherwise there will be trouble. What’s that smell coming from anyway?

Looks as if them kids from last cruise had a nice little party before getting off this morning, Melroon explained.

Mrs. Strater had never been a person to pussyfoot around people or problems. She acted when life threw things at her and she acted quickly, even more quickly, when she was upset with her good-for-nothing husband. She approached the end of the line-up in front of the pursers’ desk and overheard another guest complain that his toilet was not flushing, while yet another wanted to speak to the captain NOW. Five pursers behind the desk were in no position to handle the number of complaining passengers.

This is going to be a cruise from hell, one of the pursers whispered. You can always tell from the first day.

When Marjorie Strater got to speak to Jon, one of the pursers, her anger had multiplied. After explaining the problem with her cabin to him, she requested an upgrade to another stateroom immediately.

Did you contact your cabin attendant, ma’am?

Of course we have, but he hasn’t done anything.

Okay, what’s his name and when did you speak to him?

His name is Melroon and my husband talked to him about half an hour ago. But that is beyond the point, Mrs. Strater continued without giving Jon a chance to get a word in. We want another cabin. I am not staying for seven days in that cesspool that reeks of cigarettes and liquor with a mattress that allows you to sink to the bottom of the floor. Now with tears in her eyes, Mrs. Strater hissed at Jon, We did not pay for this, not on our anniversary cruise.

Well, Mrs. Strater, Jon said politely, at the moment we’re fully booked and even if I wanted to move you to another cabin, I couldn’t. But I will make a note of it and get back to you when there are any changes.

What changes? Marjorie Strater asked.

There might be some no-shows, ma’am. But since we are still in the process of embarkation, it will take another two hours at least before we have all details.

Two hours! You got to be kidding me. I’m not staying another two hours in this hellhole. I want to speak to your supervisor right now, Marjorie Strater insisted.

You are right, the gentleman with the non-flushing toilet rejoined. I want to talk to a manager, too. This is getting ridiculous."

Where is the chief? Jon asked Maria, one of the other pursers working at the desk.

The chief is outside in the terminal, helping with embarkation. Try to page Paul, the guest relations manager, maybe he’ll be able to help.

Thanks. Jon, now under much pressure, tried paging Paul.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking from the bridge. I want to welcome you all aboard the ‘Star Rise’. Unfortunately our departure from San Juan will be delayed by two hours today. We received a message from Staten Airlines informing us that one of their flights, with approximately 150 passengers cruising with us this week, had mechanical problems and caused the delay. I assure you that this will not affect our arrival time to St. Thomas tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I want to thank you all for your understanding and wish you a pleasant cruise. I also like to remind you of the mandatory boat drill taking place at 4:15 pm this afternoon. I will be back with further announcements. Thank you for your kind attention.

That’s just great, Marjorie Strater complained. When will we get a new cabin now?

What about my toilet? the gentleman asked.

I am working on it. We’ll have that fixed for you in no time, Jon replied.

There are days in the life of every purser they just cursed and one of those days was called: embarkation.

It will all get sorted out eventually. One could ask why people on vacation, all destined to an exotic location manage to make their and other people’s lives miserable. It’s supposed to be fun, right? The experienced cruisers know why: nothing more effective than complaining to get something for free; best case scenario, a refund on the present cruise or a complimentary future cruise or at least discounted. Jon always wondered if we did that bad and ‘ruined some people’s lives’ why would the same people spend half of their time on the current vacation complaining only to get a discount on their next cruise? Go figure…

After the first ‘attack’ of guests had subsided, Jon went for a short cigarette break to the staff and officers bar. Ships have a strict segregation policy, places where certain officers and staff were aloud access, whereas crew was not permitted. It went down from the top: officers first, staff second and the bottom of the totem pole was represented by the crew. The latter were the hardest working ones with almost no privileges.

Passing along the I-95 the ‘main street’ of the ship down on deck 1 he noticed the hustle and bustle in the crew office. Unbelievable. 132 sign-offs and new crew signing on. The staff in the crew office was going bonkers. Amongst the sign-ons were 33 new hires, who had never worked on a ship before.

Ladies and gents, welcome on board the ‘Star Rise’. My name is Miles Potter I am your crew purser and come all the way from England. There are two more people working directly with me in this department and their names are Guss, he’s from Holland, and Maja comes all the way from Ireland. You will meet them in a minute. The office is too small to have you all come in at the same time so we will call you by name. When you hear your name, enter the office. We will then collect your passports which we will keep in the ship’s safe for the duration of your contract. We will also require your medical certificates and your LOE. For all those new hires, you should have all had a medical check before coming out and you should have received a letter from your doctor declaring you fit for duty. If you do not have your medical you will not be able to work on board. Furthermore, your hiring agent should have given you a LOE. LOE stands for ‘Letter of Employment’. We will need that too. For all returning crew you should have received your medical from your last ship as well as your LOE. Having collected all your paperwork, we will then take your picture for the crew ID card. You have to carry this ID with you at all times for identification purposes. It also doubles as door key for your cabin. You’ll also receive a crew number and a charge card. We are a cashless society on board and this card works like a credit card for all your purchases on board. When you get paid you’ll also get a printout of everything you bought and we will deduct the money from your paycheck. Payday is every two weeks. You will be paid in cash. We do not recommend for you to keep your money in your cabin. We have safety deposit boxes in the crew office which you can rent for $25.00. This money will of course be returned to you when you sign off. Your department heads will explain procedures to you as well. We will now start to call your names. If you have any questions ask us in the office. Before I forget there’s a very important meeting at 3:00 pm. You all have to attend.

This would be a field day for both safety and security officers who would show the new hires what ship life was all about. Jon almost felt sorry for them. Nothing could prepare you for the first month on a ship. He had been there last contract. This was his second time around. Another six months nonstop until vacation. It was much easier the second time around - at least in regard to finding your way around. All the safety and security rules and regulations weren’t as overwhelming anymore either. Still, it always took a couple of weeks to adapt, get to know new people and a new ship, work with a new team. After all, this was no vacation for the crew.

Jon was 35 years old, from New Zealand and no stranger to the hospitality industry. He had worked at the front desk in a hotel back home for many years, but this was different. His parents, who run a sheep farm near Auckland, had not wanted him to leave and ‘see the world’. They wanted him at home. But he had felt the urge to experience this life style and, when given the opportunity, packed his bags and left. He had never felt the need to take over his parents’ farm. In the meantime, his folks had accepted his choice and were looking forward to cruise with him one day.

He was about to enter the staff & officers’ mess when one of the hairdressers, Jay, from the ‘Winer’ beauty salon stopped him with a day from hell for you guys, right?

You can say that again, Jon confirmed. Sitting down, they got out their cigarettes and lit up. One thing was for sure he had never smoked that many cigarettes in his life. He still hadn’t figured out if this was related to the stress or the cheap cigarette prices for crew. Probably both. Tony, from Trinidad & Tobago, one of the 90 something bar waiters working on board, sat down with them and lit up - even though he was officially not permitted to be in the staff bar. Because it was embarkation day, he hoped nobody was going to notice.

How’s it going up there at the pool bar, big man, do they start drinking or are you quiet?

‘Well, let me tell ya, there is a middle aged guy from the US on his second ‘Long Island Ice Tea’. I should be surprised if he lasts to sail away. Lulls something about his stupid wife trying to get him into trouble all da time and never happy with anything.

Do you know his name by any chance? Jon asked.

I’m not sure about da name but he is in #6053. There’s something wrong with the magnetic strip of his card and I had to punch the number in.

Oh my God, uttered Jon, that’s the hubby of the woman I had at the desk a minute ago. I feel sorry for that guy, he better continue drinking and hope that Marjorie won’t find him.

Marjorie is his wife, Tony guessed correctly.

You bet, better stay away from her, Jon added, she’ll find something wrong with the drinks you mix as well.

Oh, I don’t mind, Tony laughed, Bring her on, I’ll fix her up with some martinis and that will be the end of it.

For today, Jon said, but picture her tomorrow with a hangover. She’s bad enough sober.

Tomorrow night is formal night, I’ll have her in my chair by tomorrow afternoon, Jay, the hairdresser, mentioned, rolling his eyes. What could I do to her hair? Maybe a red color mixed with green streaks. I think that would be wonderful and show the true Marjorie, don’t you think?

You’re not going to do a thing, she’ll come right back to the front desk when I am working and I’ll have to deal with her again. Thank you very much, John said horrified.

I do whatever I want, Jay insisted. I am gay and can always sell it as the latest hairstyle on the runway in Paris. Watch me, sister, he said. They all laughed.

Jay would always be Jay, a character, and he would be the only hairdresser getting away with coloring Marjorie Strater’s hair in red and green hues. She’d thank him for her new do, too. The thought all of a sudden appealed to Jon.

Excuse me, a stressed young man in brand new uniform, asked the three smokers, where is the new hire ship orientation tour taking place today?

Well, sweetheart, Jay answered, depends where and what you want to see. May I help you with all the important things and security and safety will show you the rest. Are you gay by any chance?

Jay, you are impossible, Jon said while Tony was laughing his head off.

Excuse me, but I am trying to help this young man, Jay defended himself. Do you want to sit down? Want a smoke? What’s your name? My name is Jay. Where’re you from?

The young man staring at all three of them left the bar with a haunted look on his face.

Let’s hope he finds the security and safety gang before they find him, Jay said with a smirk on his face.

Well, by tomorrow I’ll know anyway what flavor he favors, he should have told me right away, Jay added.

It’s back to work for me, Tony said.

Jon got up at the same time. For me too. Back to the desk.

If I see that Mrs. Strater, I’ll start working on her hair, Jay promised, while exiting the officer’s bar with them.

Thank you for joining us, Anton, the safety officer, John Waters, addressed the young man, who had left the officers bar running after his first meeting with Jay.

Sorry, sir, Anton said. I got lost. How this guy remembered his name out of over 130 people signing on puzzled him.

First time on a ship, my friend, John Waters stated more than asked. If you get lost next time, ask. We all know what it feels like. Anton decided not to inform the safety officer about meeting a crazy gay guy in the bar, who had offered him everything but directions.

Okay, ladies and gents, John started, I won’t make this long today, we have the security officer talking to you as well, and you’ll have to sign this paper before leaving here today. I will all see you again tomorrow morning at 9:00 am sharp for the three hour orientation training. Make sure your respective supervisors or department heads have shown you where your emergency station is located before we are sailing tonight. That is crucial. For those returning to the ship from vacation; you should know where your muster stations are located.

Waters went on to describe the safety procedures implemented on board, and some of the returning crew, who knew him all too well, started to make bets on how long it would take today.

It’s John Waters and his main problem is verbal diarrhea. When that guy says this won’t take long you should know, that Water’s ‘not long’ differs from everybody else’s, one of the returning dining room waiters remarked. He’s gonna go on and on and we have our security officer, Bill, next, who suffers from the same disease. Bill is on an all time high since he caught a crew member trying to take drugs off the ship a couple of months ago.

I’ll bet a100 bucks he’s gonna tell the story in all biblical lengths, Arnin said.

I double that, one of the other waiters remarked.

You are working in the dining room, my friend? Arnin asked Anton.

Dining room, yeah, Anton replied.

"We are going