Have Wormhole, Will Travel

By Tony McFadden

Vampires? No Such Thing.

Aliens, though, that's something else.

They've been here, living quietly among us, since before the Industrial Revolution.

Their goal: To ensure we never leave our Solar System. We have a bad habit of wiping out indigenous populations, and theirs is the nearest inhabited planet to ours.

So when a scientist at Sydney University harnesses the power of wormholes, making interstellar travel a virtual walk in the park, one of these tall, pale-skinned aliens, Callum, is forced to choose: destroy us, or help us survive the inevitable Armageddon.
.
8 billion Earthlings, and our survival is in the hands of one guy - alien - meant to wipe us out.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Beach Nut Press
• Release date: Oct 31, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301866489

Tony McFadden

Since Tony McFadden left Canada almost three decades ago he and his wife and two children have lived in the US Virgin Islands, various American cities (LA, Ft. Lauderdale, Atlanta, Fairfax), Singapore, Malaysia, Taiwan and now, finally (and for good), Australia.

Book preview

Chapter One

The aliens sat back in their seats and let Nina Simone’s Sinnerman wash over them. The annual Manly Jazz Festival, the beach town’s contribution to the spread of that syncopated music, was coming to a close. Jazz lovers packed The Corso, the pedestrian mall stretching from Manly Beach to the harbour. The small stage in the centre of The Corso hosted a quintet playing old standards. The outside tables were packed with increasingly drunk music lovers.

The taller alien, Callum, looked across their table at his friend and smiled. ‘You like this, don’t you Jacob?’

‘We were in Cairo when jazz kicked off, weren’t we? 1920? Made this planet bearable. I can’t believe we lived on this rock for almost three centuries pre-jazz. Don’t know how we did it. Thank god it wasn’t a fad.’ He nodded toward the stage. ‘And that girl’s voice – man, like Baileys poured on velvet and wrapped in moss.’

Callum nodded and pushed his plate back. ‘Exquisite. You finished?’

‘Almost. No rush. This group is setting up at St. Matthews after this. Might hang out there for a while.’

‘You’ve got a trip home tonight.’

‘I’ll make it back here before they start.’

The sun had just set when Callum saw her. ‘Shit, Jacob, it’s your best friend. Don’t look. Right behind you, coming off the beach. We’ve got to split.’

Jacob couldn’t help himself. He turned in his chair and glanced at the woman. It didn’t look like she’d seen them yet. He turned back and smiled at his friend. ‘Should we engage?’

‘No. She’s bat-shit crazy. We need to duck out of here.’ He dropped a fifty on the table and stood. ‘Come on. Let’s go.’

Jacob tipped back the rest of his coffee. ‘You’re no fun. I kinda like her.’

‘We don’t need that kind of hassle. Blend in and report back. She’s going to blow our cover.’

Jacob grunted and stood from the cafe table. ‘You are absolutely no fun.’ He had a half smile on his face and a look in his eyes that Callum recognised.

‘Don’t even think about it, pal. We’re leaving.’ He looked past Jacob’s shoulder. ‘Shit. She’s seen us. Move your arse.’

They turned and jogged, their long legs covering distance quickly. At the end of the pedestrian mall they took a sharp right onto Whistler Street. Callum looked over his shoulder. ‘Dammit, she’s gaining on us. Run.’

He took the lead and ducked into a parking garage, pulling Jacob down behind a van. ‘Be quiet.’

‘Look at us, big guys, hiding from a little girl.’

‘I said be quiet.’ Callum rested his hand on Jacob’s shoulder. Upright, Callum could look clearly over the top of a van, and Jacob was less than half a head shorter. The woman trying to track them down barely made it up to Callum’s chest. He recognised the ridiculousness of two men their size hiding from a woman that small, but the alternative wasn’t palatable. ‘That fucking Stoker is going to be the death of me,’ he muttered under his breath.

‘We can’t hide forever.’

Callum put a finger to his lips.

Thongs flapped into the garage. ‘You guys in here? It’s Sabby. Sabrina. We met a couple of weeks ago. I’d really like to talk to you. You can trust me. I know what you are and your secret is safe with me. Guys?’

Callum pulled Jacob deeper into the shadows as Sabrina, long auburn hair still wet and a short t-shirt over her bikini, slowly walked past their hiding spot.

‘I know you’re in here somewhere, guys. I just want to talk with you. So would my friends. We’re all big fans of the Count.’ She drifted off to their right, voice fading as she moved deeper into the parking garage.

Callum stood and pulled Jacob to his feet. ‘Let’s get home before she finds out we’re not in there.’

~~~

Sabrina Meyers walked deeper into the garage, realising quickly that they’d given her the slip again. She sighed and unlocked her phone. ‘Mandy, get everyone together at my place. We need to have an emergency meeting.’

‘What?’ The Vice President of the Manly Vampire Lovers Association sounded half-drunk.

‘Pull your head out of that wine bottle and get everyone over to my place, stat.’

‘Why? Castle repeats are on. Man, what I would do to Nathan Fillion...’

‘I saw them again.’

‘Come on, Sabby. You really think they wander the streets of Manly? Don’t you think someone besides you would notice?’

‘Just call everyone and get them to my place in the next half hour. Bring your bottle with you if you want. I don’t care. This is important.’

~~~

Callum and Jacob slipped out of the garage and headed back toward Manly Wharf, then up West Esplanade. Pedestrian traffic on this warm long-weekend Monday evening allowed them to blend in. Tourists paraded along the boardwalk giving them some level of cover. They ducked into one of the side streets, up the hill and to their apartment building.

Their neighbour’s tabby cat hissed at them as they entered the foyer.

‘Hate those damned animals.’

‘Come on, Callum. It’s a little kitty.’

Callum closed their apartment door behind them. ‘Sit.’ He gestured at the sofa. ‘We need to talk.’

‘What? She’s cute.’

‘Not about her. When you head back home tonight, try to find out what they have planned next for us. We’ve been here almost twenty years and frankly, I’m not interested in moving again. It’s nice and quiet here. See if you can get us an extension.’

Jacob groaned. ‘I’ll pay you to make this trip.’

‘It’s your turn, mate.’

‘It’s always my turn. That old guy creeps me out. Always in the robe.’

‘I’m not convinced it’s the same guy every time.’ Callum smiled. ‘But it’s your turn, so stop whining and go.’

Jacob puffed out his cheeks. ‘Okay. Fine. What’s your update?’

‘Not much change, really.’

‘There’s some interesting dark matter work.’

‘Very preliminary. They don’t appear to have grasped the concept of matter manipulation or how to use negative mass to create a gravity well. Or even that negative mass exists as more than a theoretical concept. And based on what the prof is talking about in his grad classes, they are years away from it. There’s nothing going on here that’s a threat to us. Anywhere.’

‘Except for the local Vampire Lovers of Australia guild, or whatever the hell they are, wanting to hunt us down.’

Callum shook his head. ‘Yeah, you’re playing with fire there.’

‘Oh, she’s harmless. She’s got the hots for me.’ Jacob grinned. ‘And I wouldn’t say no. Nothing like that at home.’

Callum scowled and dropped in a chair. ‘The guidelines are very clear.’

‘Not looking for anything serious, Cal. Short term is fine with me.’

‘Not worth it.’ He looked at his watch. ‘How long before you leave?’

Jacob looked at the clock on the wall. ‘Soon. No rush. It’s a fast trip. Want me to pick anything up for you?’

‘No. Just pass on my info.’ He scrubbed his face. ‘We’ve been here almost an entire shift. I think they’ve got one more posting for us before we head back for good. Or an extension here, fingers crossed. You going to miss this place?’

‘Australia?’

‘Earth.’

Jacob shrugged. ‘It’s pleasant here. It’s annoying that I need to forego all of the good techie stuff back home, but the benefits are worth it, I guess. And we’ll retire like kings when we get back. I’m going to acquire an island in the southern sea and spend the rest of my life following my dick around.’ He frowned. ‘What do you think that girl meant when she said she knew what we were? Do you think she’s caught on to the fact that we’re not from here?’

Callum barked a laugh. ‘She thinks we’re vampires. Fucking Stoker. If that fat Irishman wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him myself.’

‘Yeah, but when he wrote that, you knew what he was writing about, and what he was doing, and you thought it was funny.’

Back then, it was. Then it got really bad for a while and now it’s just fucking stupid. Ever since that Interview with a Vampire" movie came out, it’s been stupid.’

‘The glittery ones were funny.’

Callum smiled. ‘How they got that from Stoker’s description - how did he describe us again? - Cruel looking mouth under a heavy moustache - ’

‘I’m glad you got rid of that. Looked creepy.’

‘ - coarse, broad hands with squat fingers,’ Callum flexed his fingers and looked at them. ‘Not a bad description.’

‘And hairy palms.’ Jacob laughed. ‘Remember the first time we heard a parent tell their kid that wanking would grow hair on their palms? I thought you were going to pop a gasket.’ He wiped his face with his hands. ‘Hilarious.’

‘Not as funny as those sparkly vampires.’

Jacob shook his head. ‘Not my cup of tea, as they say.’ He looked at the time. ‘Gotta run. Sure you don’t want anything?’

‘Just that info. If they’re planning on moving us along, we need to know our next destination so we can prepare. I’d rather we didn’t, though. I’m comfortable here.’

‘You got it.’

Jacob placed his left hand on the mirror on the back of their front door and with his right, entered a code on what looked like a home security panel. The lights dimmed slightly and to Callum it appeared that he was looking at Jacob through the bevelled edge of a glass table, slightly distorted.

Then Jacob disappeared, sucked into the mirror.

~~~

His journey was brief. Less than a heartbeat. He stepped through and breathed a lungful of home air. ‘I missed this.’

‘You were here not that long ago.’

Jacob looked over at the robed figure sitting at his desk. ‘Seemed like a lot longer. How are things, boss?’

‘Your vernacular is still odd. Things?’

‘Not a lot to update you on since the last visit. Slow as, down there.’ He wiggled his toes and fingers and made sure everything still worked.

‘Slow as? Slow as what?’

‘It’s just slow. No advancements either side of the coin.’

The Elder stood, extracted a tablet from somewhere in his robes and slowly shuffled across the room. ‘The standard questions, if you are ready?’

Jacob walked to the small window and looked outside. ‘Yeah, fire away.’ The Red Dwarf star anchoring their Solar System provided much less light to his home planet than Earth’s star did for Earth. He looked up at his faint sun. ‘Feels good.’

The Elder closed his eyes, sighed and shuffled to the window. ‘The standard questions?’

‘Okay, okay. Proceed.’

‘You and your colleague are in Sydney, Australia. Correct?’

‘You should know. You haven’t moved us yet.’

‘And you have been there - ’

‘Almost twenty Earth years. We’re due for a move. I need to talk to you about that.’

‘Shortly.’ The Elder touched a couple of places on the screen and looked up at Jacob. ‘You are still in the environmental sciences and your partner is in the physics department focusing on quantum mechanics?’

Jacob nodded. ‘Correct.’

‘Let’s talk about your partner’s activities first. What’s new in the world of physics?’

‘Not much. Dark matter has been proposed and accepted and they believe they’ve detected it by inference. Negative matter is still just an equation for them.’ Jacob smiled. ‘Kind of crazy for a supposed advanced civilisation to not even know how to identify what makes up more than 80% of the universe, right?’

The Elder nodded. ‘But when they do, everything will change. It’s been the same everywhere. The ability to manipulate dark matter and negative mass changes everything. If they’re that far away then you have more time to work on your side of the equation. Renewable energy.’

‘I can’t actually help them get to it, though, can I? It’s been so tempting.’

‘Absolutely forbidden. You can only help them advance their already existing developments. Any introduction of off-planet technologies will get you and your partner exiled to a cold and dark world for the rest of your lives.’

‘Detroit?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Nothing. So what idiot was mentoring the previous attempt at cold fusion? They fucking near had it. So close. They didn’t see the missing part, right in front of their eyes, that would make it a replicable experiment. They’d have enough clean energy for, well, almost forever.’

The boss shook his head. ‘That’s a dangerous one. Cold fusion is a double-edged sword. Clean energy, but almost unlimited energy that could be used to advance other, less desirable innovations.’

‘Like m-theory? I just told you they’re eons away from that.’

‘Doesn’t matter. It’s off limits. The failure of cold fusion was,’ the Elder paused, ‘encouraged.’

‘Yeah, well, it’s considered a joke science now. Nobody, outside a few fringe groups, is even looking at it.’

‘Are the eco-scientists still targeting solar and wind energy?’

Jacob grimaced. ‘Yeah. Which on the face of it is stupid. It’s like scrambling around on the ground for food dropped from a table when the table is filled with more than you could ever eat. And ultimately, it won’t satisfy the governing bodies.’

‘Why?’

‘You know what they’re like. A very warring society. You can’t fly fighting craft on solar energy. Armoured vehicles won’t move with wind energy. They are consuming their hydrocarbon reserves at rates I’ve never seen before, in pursuit, ironically, of more hydrocarbon reserves. Having a food fight to gain control of the dinner table. Absolute insanity. Yet there are a few who seem to be heading in the right direction. The methane hydrate explorations seem to be picking up, but that’s still at least a decade away from being a viable alternative to crude oil.’

‘I know too well. The tasks remain the same. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are both doing well. And keep pressing them. They need to wean themselves off hydrocarbons before they achieve interstellar travel, or we’ll be the first place they stop.’

‘I don’t get it. Who cares? We’re a stronger, more superior people. We should be able to squash them like a bug if they show up. And we’d have tons of warning. Besides, if we’re not using the hydrocarbons, why not give them to Earth? ‘

‘You don’t leave a problem until it’s on your doorstep. We made that mistake in the past. Eradicate it at the source.’

Jacob shook his head. ‘Okay, whatever. Listen, we were wondering, since we’re doing so well, if we could get an extension.’

The Elder scrolled through the calendar. ‘No. You will be transferred to a new location. We had you going to London, but our records show that you’ve been there before.’

‘Late 1800s, Earth time.’

‘Exactly. So I’ve got you two moving to Halifax next. Dalhousie’s Engineering Department. The pair from Barcelona will be coming in to replace you two in Sydney. Still about six Earth months away. They’ve been learning a local Australian dialect.’

‘What about us?’

‘You will go as Australian scientists, so your current Earth accent will do. The records department are already seeding your back story.’ The Elder sighed. ‘It’s turning out to be a bit more difficult creating back stories for you now that the – what’s the word you use – Internet has come along. Far more databases to tamper with.’ He shrugged. ‘Not impossible, of course, but not as easy as it was even two shifts ago. You are both scheduled for a briefing on that in a few Earth months.’ He smiled. ‘All on track.’

‘We’ve got property there to divest ourselves of. Some houses, the apartment building we live in, a few others. Thanks for letting us know in advance.’

‘You are most welcome.’ Either Jacob’s boss missed the sarcasm, or he ignored it.

Jacob narrowed his eyes. ‘My pleasure.’ He stood to leave.

‘Wait a moment. I’m not finished. I’ve got something for you.’ The Elder reached into his robes and retrieved two cylindrical objects, about 30 cm long and 2 cm in diameter. The end caps looked like glass and the body, like ivory.

Jacob hefted them. ‘Solid. What are they?’

‘We are no longer constrained to fixed location bridges. These are pre-programmed to deposit you in the centre of our arrivals hall, but your departure from Earth can occur anywhere. As a safety feature, if you or Callum - I’m still not used to that name - were to lose one, this will produce a bridge large enough - just large enough - to transport both of you back here. But don’t abuse it. Total off-planet use is only permitted with executive approval.’

‘Total off-planet? What? I don’t know what you just said.’

‘If you decide to tunnel from Sydney to Shanghai with one of these without executive approval you will be in serious trouble. Understand?’

Jacob nodded and flipped one of the tubes end for end. ‘How’s it work?’

‘Press your thumb on one end and squeeze the body. It’s keyed to your biometrics. The portal opens and envelopes you, depositing you at the pre-programmed location.’

‘Very cool. So I don’t have to walk through that damn mirror any more.’

‘That bridge will remain functional. You won’t need to use it any more, unless you want to.’ He went on for a few moments about how to use it to contact others who also had the wands.

Jacob smiled.

‘What?’

‘Oh, I was just thinking that the scientists on Earth may be a long way from getting the technology to travel these kinds of distances, but the popular entertainment has it down pat.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘There’s an entertainment show on Earth called Stargate. They’ve got the concept of wormhole travel down pretty well, although the need for a 30 tonne, 5 metre ring to do it seems a bit restrictive. But the concept is sound.’ He chuckled. ‘If they only knew you could do it with one of these.’ He hefted the tube.

‘Take care of them. They cost a lot of time and resources to create.’ He slapped Jacob on the back. ‘And tell your partner I want to see him the next visit. Now you need to leave. I’ve got a team from Dubai coming in.’

~~~

In the bowels of Sydney University, Professor Sam Sheppard checked his calculations one more time and smiled. He’d cracked it. The Holy Grail of quantum physics. He pulled out his phone and sent a message to his girlfriend. "Sorry I’m late, Jacks. But it was worth it. Don’t wait up. Definitely wake me for the morning workout. I need it."

He placed the phone on the worktable and sighed. If he was right – and he was never wrong – he would be able to tunnel something the size of an eraser across the lab.

Chapter Two

Sabrina Meyers gave up the parking garage search. She headed home, south along the waterfront, past the ferry terminal, curving with the shore and down Cove Avenue. She lived in the top floor apartment of the waterfront house her father rented. Her perpetually writing, without-a-clue-in-the-world, father.

Amanda Lynne Palmer – Mandy - sat on the front step smoking a cigarette, a glass of red in her hand. ‘You’re all sweaty.’

‘I’ve been running. Those guys move faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.’ Sabrina pulled her hair into a ponytail and nodded at the glass. ‘I was joking about the wine. Where’s everyone else?’

Mandy looked at her watch. ‘Should be showing up any minute now.’ She ground her cigarette out on the step, grabbed the half-empty bottle and stood. ‘Let’s get settled before the crowd shows.’

‘Mandy, we’ve been friends for years and I know you think this group is just a social club and you hang around because you find us amusing, but I swear to you, these guys I saw were honest-to-god vampires.’ She led her friend up the stairs on the outside of her father’s house.

‘You say. I haven’t seen these phantoms up close yet, so I’ll have to take your word for it.’ She waited for Sabby to unlock her door, then pushed past and grabbed the corner seat. ‘You want a glass of this?’

‘I’m making a pot of coffee. It’s going to be a late night.’

‘We’ve

Reviews for Have Wormhole, Will Travel

[nightwing_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The other side of Men in Black would have to be aliens who visit Earth to prevent its residents from doing something stupid. Told with tongue planted firmly in cheek, this is a fun romp through the chaos of space travel the easy way.

[pjkennard · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Great concept, average storyWhen Dr Sam Shepherd makes what could be the greatest scientific breakthrough on history, he expects fame, fortune and, possibly, sex. What he does NOT expect is two aliens on his doorstep...The overall story concept of Have Wormhole, Will Travel, while not very original, is rather good. The originality has been greatly enhanced by the unusual and rich location used, you feel you are in this this part of Australia. Add to this what appears to be rather good science and you should have a really good book. Unfortunately, the uneven plotting and inconsistent characterisation critically undermine these positive elements.Once I made it past the interminably slow beginning. Littered with already dated pop culture references, I finally made it to the core of the story; at which point the pace suddenly picked up, to the extent it felt like I had accidentally skipped a couple of chapters, with the threat revealed and everyone apparently moving to the main denouement. However, things quickly slowed down again, as characters changed substantially, apparently to serve the plot, with events going round in circles so much I actually thought I was now repeating chapters.When we did finally get to the denouement things picked up again and we rattled towards a well-written and pretty good climax. This end made we wish the the rest of the book had been written in the same way, it would have made the journey far more worthwhile.In the end, that actual writing is pretty good, but poor pacing and the careful building of characters so utterly wasted made this a struggle to get through. But if you do make it, the end isn't too bad.

[denzilpugh · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

What most of the world doesn't know is that there are many authors with great books available to read, but unfortunately, they will never be discovered because they don't have contracts with the Big Six. And as one of my friends discovered, sometimes publishing a book on your own makes it harder to get discovered because the Big Six don't want to deal with pre-published books. Such a case is this book, a great Science-Fiction yarn (or in this case, I'll say "String", with the knowledgeable background of Brian Greene's The Elegant Universe and the characterization of many of today's television shows. Like many of the other reviews I've seen, sometimes the plot sputters and starts, stopping to eat at too many restaurants, but it was satisfying, easily read, and points very easily to one of my favorite science fiction books, A.C. Clarke and Stephen Baxter's The Light of Other Days. So I will continue finding authors that have never been sold at the grocery store, and I'll be much better for it. The fluff James Patterson publishes every two weeks and calls fiction is a waste of my time. I have so many books to read, and so few years (as relative to Callum and Jacob's lifespans) to read them all. This one was definitely not a waste of time, and I hope he writes more science fiction. (As a side note, there are other authors that have strayed into sci-fi/fantasy and need to do so more often. Caleb Carr wrote Killing Time but nothing else. Lionel Davidson wrote one outstanding sci-fi kid's book, and then went back to Israeli espionage. And finally, John Connolly did The Book of Lost Things and aside from some horrible YA books, hasn't revisited it yet.

[dokfintong · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I received a review copy of Have Wormhole, Will Travel through Net Galley.com.There are aliens among us in Have Wormhole Will Travel by Tony McFadden, a science fiction comedy. The aliens are science observers sent to be sure that humans don't developing wormholes or other kinds of FTL travel. The penalty for good science is annihilation. Callum and Jacob are watching in Manly Beach, a suburb of Sydney, Australia, and the local girls – or at least the girls who are in the local vampire fan club – are watching them. It seems Callum and Jacob are a bit too tall, strong and pale to be human and ergo they must be vampires. The plot goes on from there.HWWT is an amusing book if you can get past the drunken loutishness of Australian culture. I can't so I found it all a bit tacky. My prejudices are showing.