First Kiss and Other Cautionary Tales

By Deborah Prum

In First Kiss and Other Cautionary Tales, you will:
***Learn about: spring-loaded toilet seats in the Pisa Airport (a creation of the Devil).
***Find out why Googling “How to Pick Up a Chick” is not the best strategy for determining the best way to scoop up live poultry.
***Hear the lurid details about a poor soul who inadvertently became locked in the loo at the Louvre.
*** Learn the ancient secret of an Italian grandmother’s deadly chicken soup recipe. (Hint: it’s all in the feet.)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Deborah Prum
• Release date: Jul 15, 2013
• ISBN: 9780989480826

Deborah Prum

Deborah M. Prum's humorous young adult novel, FATTY IN THE BACK SEAT, is about 15-year-old Cuss who is not a criminal. Well, maybe a slight criminal in the state of New York where he accidentally burns down his neighbor's barn. The judge tells Cuss to behave or he'll wide up behind bars. For Cuss, behaving is almost impossible. FIRST KISS AND OTHER CAUTIONARY TALES is a collection of Prum's essays most of which originally aired on NPR-member stations. In these essays, you will: Learn about: spring-loaded toilet seats in the Pisa Airport (a creation of the Devil). Find out why Googling "How to Pick Up a Chick" is not the best strategy for determining the best way to scoop up live poultry. Discover the ancient secret of an Italian grandmother's deadly chicken soup recipe. (Hint: it's all in the feet.) RATS, BULLS AND FLYING MACHINES is Prum's funny and anecdotal young adult novel about the Renaissance and Reformation. Prum's award-winning fiction appeared twice in The Virginia Quarterly Review and in many other journals. Excerpts from her novel-in-progress The String Theory of Love have been included in several anthologies. She's written on the craft of writing for both The Writer magazine and The Writer's Handbook.

Book preview

Deborah Prum began her writing career at age seven. Perched atop a chrome kitchen chair, she pecked out children’s stories on her mother’s Royal typewriter. Every plot contained a similar theme. At the onset, some disaster (plane crash, rampant disease, ravaging insects) took the lives of parents and all other authority figures. The kids had to collect wild berries to eat and skin rabbits to make clothing. Without exception, by the end of each tale, the sturdy little survivors had created a utopia and lived blissfully ever after. Unfortunately, it did not occur to Deb’s parents to call a child therapist.

During the years since, Deborah Prum’s essays have aired on NPR-member stations and have appeared in magazines and newspapers. She’s written critically acclaimed history for children (Rats, Bulls, and Flying Machines: A History of the Renaissance and Reformation), prize-winning fiction for adults, and a young adult novel called Fatty in the Back Seat. (Available on Amazon.com.) Note: some of the names were changed in these essays to protect the guilty.

ONE

FIRST KISS

My first kiss was planted on me by a seventeen-year-old guy in a gorilla suit.

Junior year, our drama club decided to perform Murders in the Rue Morgue. Mrs. Sardi, the director, gave me the part of a little old lady who is attacked by a gorilla, carried across stage then thrown out the window.

That meant I’d be on stage four minutes and would be dead for a good chunk of the time. What a letdown.

Perhaps to comfort me, Mrs. Sardi chose Dave to be the gorilla. Dave sported big muscles and charmed girls with his pretty blue eyes and curly black hair. I, a lowly junior, was to be carried across stage by the senior class idol.

We never did practice the attack and carry part. Rehearsal after rehearsal, we went through the motions without touching each other. Dave just smiled and winked. I never protested. My heart was aflutter just to have that cute boy smiling and winking in my direction.

The afternoon of our opening show, I felt nervous. Dave had managed to completely avoid ever rehearsing our parts. And, we were performing at a school assembly. It’s one thing to face a crowd of doting parents. It’s a lot different to look out on a mob of your rowdy peers.

However, our play cruised along just fine. At the last scene, I finally got to hobble on stage. This being my one moment in the spotlight, I hobbled for all it was worth.

Well, our hero, Dave, jumped the gun and began attacking me too early. He also didn’t remember to be gentle. Forgetting that I was supposed to be old and frail, I gave monkey boy a run for his money. We battled for several minutes.

Finally, Dave hissed, You gotta die!

Ah, yes…the play…we were acting in a play!

At once, I gave up the ghost and collapsed in a heap at his feet, motionless.

Maybe the passion of the moment overcame Dave. Or maybe it was his idea of the perfect revenge for a scene gone awry. Instead of following the script, Dave leaned over and kissed me—a big smooch right on the lips.

Kissed by the school hunk! Now, if Dave had kissed me in September, before the rehearsal fiascoes, I would have swooned with delight. This was a different story.

Although I was supposed to be dead, I socked Dave square in the jaw, knocking his gorilla mask askew. Now, only one eye could peek through.

Perhaps in payment for the punch, Dave began squirting me with stage blood