Musings of a Jew-Ish Guy

By Michael Lange

A bit of philosophy, a bit of history, a bit of religious commentary, quite a bit of personal revelation, and lots of comedy in this mostly tongue in cheek book by television director Michael Lange. You might learn a few things but you will definitely laugh your tuchis off....that's a guarantee. Mr. Lange waxes sometimes poetic, sometimes philosophical but always in a comedic fashion in his first book. It's a combination of his observations about life as a Jew in America, his dealings with his Mom and the rest of the world, and many imaginary and hilarious, sometimes outrageous conversations with people he's known and people he's not known, God and Abraham, for one. It's at once reverent and irreverent. It covers all the bases in the Jewish experience- Guilt, Sex, Authority Figures, Hypochondria, Buying Retail (a big no-no), Fishing (another no-no), Stress, Success, Finicky-ness, and Cancer. Enjoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Lange
• Release date: Jun 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301834327

Michael Lange

Michael Lange is one of the most sought after television directors in the industry. He basically hasn't stopped working for almost 30 years and has helmed 248 episodes of television. His credits are truly eclectic, ranging from comedies like "The Larry Sanders Show" and "Tracey Takes On" to dramas like "Brothers & Sisters", "Eli Stone", "Life Goes On" (for which he received a Humanitas Award and should have gotten an Emmy), to teen dramas like "Dawson's Creek", “The OC”, "Make It Or Break It" and "Greek" (he's Co-Executive Producer on "Greek") to Drama/Comedies like "Drop Dead Diva" (also Co-Executive Producer) and "Northern Exposure", to sci-fi like "Eureka", “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and "The X-Files". He's especially been enjoying exercising his dark side with four episodes of "Criminal Minds" in their seventh and eighth seasons. He's done it all and loves every minute, every genre, and every budget level. Michael Lange also directed JUMPING SHIP, a movie for The Disney Channel shot in Australia, MY FUTURE BOYFRIEND, a romantic comedy for ABC Family, and INTERN, an Indie feature film which premiered at the 2000 Sundance Film Festival. Michael firmly believes, as did William Shakespeare, that the most important elements of entertainment are the play and the players. His directing and producing style supports that belief. He creates a nurturing and safe atmosphere on the set, allowing cast and crew to feel free to contribute to the work and make it their own; always under his firm but loving guidance, while demanding gently that each cast and crew member give their all to the "cause". He also believes strongly in the movie magic. There's no reason that something can't be accomplished creatively and well with ample application of the magic! And now, he's a published, albeit self-published (that counts, right?) author of a comedic autobiographical/philosophical book called "Musings of a Jew-ish Guy". Should sell like potato hotcakes!

Book preview

MUSINGS OF A JEW-ISH GUY

By Michael Lange

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PUBLISHED BY

Michael Lange on Smashwords

Musings of a Jew-ish Guy

Copyright © 2013 by Michael Lange

http://www.sillymusic.com

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Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

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Dedication

FOR MY MOM AND DAD

Thanks.

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PREFACE

I took The est Standard Training, as it's officially known in the early 1980s. For those of you who are not familiar with it, it stands for Erhard Seminars Training, which, now that I'm looking at this in print is redundant from the name alone. The Erhard Seminars Training Standard Training. Thank God it was given in a hotel and not on a train, because then it would have had to have been called the...Oh, you get it, right? Anyway, it was in vogue back then for people who thought they were extremely sophisticated and hip. It was a hodgepodge of Zen, Socratic Method, and new age hocus-pocus supposedly discovered by Mr. Erhard as he drove over the Golden Gate Bridge and had a revelation. I'm pretty sure he's Jewish, so it might have been just gas. I was guilted into taking it by my cousin who shall go nameless. The idea was that after two weekends of pretty intense and yet somehow mostly boring lecturing, pummeling, sharing, and caring, you were supposed to get IT. They never told you what IT was, you were just supposed to know. Of course, most people, at the end of the course claimed to have gotten IT. Wouldn't have it been great if Cousin It from The Addams Family showed up at the end? The EST Training did give me one pretty amazing look at life, if nothing else. The trainer said there are two rules of life. Rule number one is: Don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is: Everything is small stuff. I liked it. In the big big picture where the entire cosmos is the picture, it's completely true. We are, after all, very very small. It's comforting to a guy like me to know that, somehow, when all is said and done, I don't really matter that much. However, once I had children, I had to adjust a little bit. They are definitely NOT small stuff to me. But basically, my philosophy is that I like to treat others as I want to be treated. It's a bit biblical, I guess. So I go through life with a light approach. I always believed that I was put here, or arrived here with the life purpose of entertaining others, nothing more, nothing less. I hope I leave the world a little bit of a happier place than I came into it, but I don't think that will happen...well, maybe some of the people I've known...probably not. In any case, when you're reading the book you're about to read, please keep in mind that it's pretty much all in good fun. It's primarily meant to entertain and amuse you. For all of my religious Jewish friends and readers, the biblical commentary is all from me and I'm no rabbi so please forgive some of the liberties I've taken. Don't take it too seriously. Remember, it's all small stuff.

POSTFACE (?)

One other thing. I'm a television director and producer. I was just rereading the book and realized that there are references in there that would be mystifying if you didn't know that. I thought, Well, it will be on the inner jacket in the ‘About the Author’ section then realized...there won't be an About the Author section because this is an e-book. So consider this the About the Author section. Now you know. And with that foreknowledge, this completes the forward. Enjoy the book!

PS- This is NOT a memoir, though. I don't think I'm enough of a big deal to warrant a memoir.

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CHAPTER ONE

THE DREADED CANCER OF THE SIDE

(YOU ONLY THINK IT'S CANCER)

A few years ago, I had a pain in my side, my right side. About midway between my waist and my shoulder. It was a dull, steady pain, which occurred intermittently, hung around for a day or so, and then went away. I tried aspirin, which seemed to dull it a little...well, truth be told, it was pretty dull to begin with as I mentioned above. Naturally, as a man, I ignored the pain for a year or so, maybe two, though part of me, okay a big part of me thought it was some kind of cancer…..cancer of the side or something. I kept forgetting to mention it to my Endocrinologist (I have type 2 diabetes, known medically as Diabetes Fatsoitis, so I see him three times a year to get yelled at: Michael, I hope that five years from now we won’t be having this discussion about your weight. I’ve been seeing him for almost thirty years…are we still parenthetical? Hmmm.) Anyway, one appointment I finally remembered to tell him.

MICHAEL

Hey, Dr. A, I keep forgetting to tell you

about this pain in my side. Right here.

I point to the pain in my side.

DR. A

There?

MICHAEL

No, on the other side.

He doesn’t laugh. He’s Korean, but I know some funny Koreans so that can’t be it. They consider themselves the Jews of Asia, but more on that later. I’m sure he laughs sometimes. Maybe when he watches a Caucasian try kimchee for the first time in a restaurant. He does have a silly side…..I’m sure. Actually, I’d probably laugh, too, at a Caucasian trying kimchee for the first time.

DR. A

The other side? I thought…

MICHAEL

I was kidding. Yes, there.

DR. A

What kind of pain?

MICHAEL

Sort of a dull, intermittent pain.

(I guess he hadn’t read the book where I describe it...wait…Never mind)

DR. A

How long have you had this pain?

MICHAEL

Oh…a while.

DR. A

A while? A week? A month?

MICHAEL

Two years.

DR. A

Two years. And you’re just telling me?

MICHAEL

I was hoping it would go away. I was afraid

you would tell me it’s cancer.

He laughs. Ah HA! He laughs at the pain of others. That’s why he thinks the whole kimchee thing is funny.

Dr. A.

No, it’s not cancer. There’s nothing in that area.

MICHAEL

Nothing?

DR. A

Nothing that could be cancerous.

MICHAEL

What’s there?

DR. A

Just some adipose tissue, in your case too much.

MICHAEL

Adipose cancer?

He chuckles. He’s on a roll.

DR. A

That’s a good one. Adipose cancer. There is

some musculature under the adipose tissue.

MICHAEL

Muscle cancer?

He laughs out loud…oh, right, for you youthful readers…LOL. He falls off his chair…ROFL. Kidding. I just wanted to use that.

DR. A

What do you want ME to do about it?

Take some aspirin.

MICHAEL

Wait, if you take aspirin, it will affect my side cancer?

Crickets. He starts writing a prescription.

DR. A

I’m writing a prescription for you to get an ultrasound.

MICHAEL

I’m pregnant?

Big smile from me. More crickets. He mumbles something in Korean. (Jews- love Google Translate. Remind me to tell you all about my Facebook conversation with an ex AuPair in Swedish- When did you learn Swedish? LOL. Okay I told you now you don’t have to remind me.)

He hands me the prescription.

DR. A

Go soon and I’ll call you with the results.

I’m sure you’re fine. Now, what are you

doing about your weight?

MICHAEL

Is it five years already?

More crickets as accompaniment to a scowl, at which he is very good. I make an appointment that day for an ultrasound at Cedars-Sinai. I’m excellent at following doctors’ orders as long as it doesn’t involve taking care of my actual self. I go for the ultrasound, try out the pregnant