Quirks: Four Humorous Stories

By Jonathan Broughton

Quirky characters are pitted against corporate and social institutions: two old ladies take to piracy on the high seas: a young lady in victorian london falls in love with a vampire: an old man worries about educating his baby dragon, and a contemporary farce unfolds around that very english tradition, afternoon tea.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan Broughton
• Release date: May 31, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301328543

Jonathan Broughton

Jonathan writes fantasy, horror, paranormal and urban stories. Any story in any genre in fact, depending on the idea or the plot that pops into his head.For many years he lived in Hastings on the south coast of England and all of the stories in these books were written when he was by the sea.Many of Jonathan’s short stories have been published in Rayne Hall’s ‘Ten Tales’ books and April Grey’s ‘Hells...’ series.He has worked as a Poll Clerk and a Presiding Officer for various local and general elections, an examinations invigilator and as a puppeteer in theatre, films and television. He now lives in the University City of Cambridge, UKHis Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/jonathan.broughton.5And his Twitter handle: @jb121jonathan

Book preview

Quirks: Four Humorous Stories

by

Jonathan Broughton

Copyright © 2012 Jonathan Broughton

(This edition Copyright © February 2016)

Smashwords Edition

Cover Illustration

By

Ragne Kabanova/Dreamstime

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Table of Contents

The Pensioner Pirates of Marine Parade

Winter Flower

Educating Puff

Battenberg Blues

About the author

The Pensioner Pirates of Marine Parade.

Look sharp, Daphne, Hugo Marshall’s arrived. Clarissa reversed her mobility scooter away from the window. Now remember, don’t say anything and look blank.

Daphne gazed into space. ‘In a world of her own,’ thought Clarissa. Looking blank was as natural to her as breathing, though that had been a bit ragged these last few days.

Follow me, Clarissa ordered and she trundled out of her flat and headed for the lift with Daphne close behind.

The main reception was packed, mostly with young or middle-aged relatives who had elderly relations living in Marine Parade. ‘Vultures,’ thought Clarissa, as she eased her scooter behind the throng. ‘Out to make a few quid from the misfortunes of the old. Just you wait till you’re in your hundreds and need help. I bet euthanasia won’t be high on your list of priorities.’

She spotted a few pensioners, the hopeless cases, those with extreme dementia, who didn’t know the difference between day and night, no doubt dragged out to illustrate government policy.

She parked behind a wall of bodies close to the stage. A good spot, she could hear, and if she leant to the left or right, just see the stage. Daphne drew alongside and bumped a couple as she manoeuvred into position. They turned, angry and shocked, though when they saw Daphne and her clumsy steering they shook their heads and rolled their eyes in resigned despair.

A ripple of applause and the crowd hushed to silence.

Good morning, everyone. Hugo Marshall, Hastings Mayor and Clarissa ground her teeth. He shone in the spotlight like an oily fish. His bald head gleamed, his grey tailored suit glistened, his black patent leather shoes twinkled and his wide smile beamed.

I didn’t expect to see so many of you here, he began.

Clarissa snorted. Really? Every street corner in Hastings, every lamppost, had been plastered with posters.

Today, Hugo Marshall continued, I am happy to announce that The Silver Dusk will be sailing into Hastings on Monday the 20th October.

An appreciative murmur from the crowd and the couple in front of Clarissa turned to each other and smiled.

Hugo Marshall’s voice adopted a considerate tone. Do you have an elderly relative ready to die? Are you struggling financially to meet their upkeep? Then, more strident. Are you tired of resources being squandered on members of society no longer able to look after themselves? Inconsiderate individuals who took advantage of medical breakthroughs in the first two decades of this century to prolong their lives, but didn’t consider the means needed to support their advancing years and who now rely on you for their care and well-being?

A chorus of assent rumbled around the room.

I thought so.

Clarissa wanted to smash her fist into his smug face.

Well, he went on, the expert team on The Silver Dusk can help. No funeral expenses, no costly cemetery upkeep. Do you know, and I speak from personal experience here, they are wonderful. His voice went low, almost husky. My mother was so grateful when I took her on board. She was a burden, emotionally and financially, to the family and of course to the country. She understood that and chose the correct course of action. I shall never forget that last happy evening. His voice cracked and a single tear slid down his cheek. Sitting in their Starlight Suite playing Scrabble. The lovely attentive staff helped mother choose the letters, and the memory of those final wonderful hours lingered when we came to say our goodbyes the next day. He took a deep breath. Do you know, they even let us float the paper bag with her ashes in out to sea.

A whispered ‘ah’ rose from the crowd.

‘Bloody bastard!’ thought Clarissa. ‘I’d give him triple word score with bells on!’

Hugo Marshall cleared his throat. Look around you, see the hopeless, helpless ravages of old age. These poor souls are incapable of making the right decision, but you, you can ease their pain. Join me at mid-day on The Silver Dusk and help your loved ones’ sail away to a golden sunset. The first five customers will receive a thousand pounds in cash.

Applause greeted his promise of money, but he hadn’t quite finished and the crowd went silent as he delivered his final line.

I care about the elderly. Do you?

There were cheers and whoops of approval. Clarissa glanced at Daphne and smirked.

*

Clarissa steered her mobility scooter into the sea. Look sharp, Daphne. Operation ROPES is go!

She glanced in her side mirror to