Watch Out For The Hedgehog

By J.C. Maxwell

Four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL classroom in South Korea.

When Jenny Maxwell first moved to South Korea on a whim to become an English teacher little did she know she’d end up teaching some of the most amusing, witty kids she’d ever met.

Following on from the success of Quote Friday – a round up of the best quotes of the week from her elementary school classroom - comes the full and unabridged book featuring some never before read additions from students, family and, of course, The Canadian One.

Packed full of hysterical quotes such as:

Having just read the sentence: ‘Baby wallabies are born without fur.’
Me: “What are baby wallabies born without?”
Kid: “Hope.”

Me: “What’s a baby chicken called?”
Kid: “An egg fry.”

Me: “What’s your favorite book?”
Kid: “Harry Potter.”
Me: “What’s the story?”
Kid: “It has no story.”

Me: “What are eyebrows?”
Kid: “People’s eye fur.”

Me: “What’s a ‘tail’?”
Kid: “A dog’s antenna.”

Me: "When do we find out who wins this election in America? Is it like the same day or is it weeks later like on The X Factor?"
The Canadian One: "The US election is NOT like The X Factor."

Watch Out For The Hedgehog is the must-read book for educators, travellers, ESL teachers and anyone who’s ever been curious about what it’s like to teach English in a foreign country.

• Language: English
• Publisher: J.C. Maxwell
• Release date: Apr 22, 2013
• ISBN: 9780991867905

J.C. Maxwell

Oh, you know how it goes: Irish Girl meets Canadian boy. He has a band, she has a blog. He likes dogs, she likes cats. He likes being outside, she’ll only go outside if it’s to a beer patio and there’s alcohol. He teaches kindergarten, she teaches elementary school. They both live in Korea. It’s your classic, time old love story. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before.

Book preview

WATCH OUT FOR THE HEDGEHOG

J.C. Maxwell

Copyright 2013 J.C. Maxwell

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for you personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is dedicated to my mam who always believed in me and who provided the title for the original blog. To Ian, who encouraged me to make the blog in the first place, puts up with me everyday and loves me anyway…he's also pretty handy at doing the dishes. To Ross, even though you had no idea this was happening. To everyone who encouraged me to do this, provided quotes and week after week loyal reading, it means so much to me. And to all the kids I've taught, you have been annoying, funny, smart, endearing, witty and amazing at times (and sometimes all at the same time). I'm still in awe of some of the things you've said to me in your second language.

This book is for all of you.

Table of Contents

Part One: Quotes From Students

Chapter One – On Love & Relationships

Chapter Two – On Historical Events

Chapter Three – On World Geography

Chapter Four – On Vocabulary

Chapter Five – On Grammar

Chapter Six – On Open Class

Chapter Seven – On Their Favorite…

Chapter Eight – On Animals

Chapter Nine – On Earning Points

Chapter Ten – On Being Naughty

Chapter Eleven – On Holidays

Chapter Twelve – On Telling Stories

Chapter Thirteen – On Problem Solving

Chapter Fourteen – On Taking Tests

Chapter Fifteen – Written Work

Chapter Sixteen – Random Quotes

Chapter Seventeen – Submitted By Others

Part Two: Conversations With…

Chapter One – …My Co-Teachers

Chapter Two – …Recruiters

Chapter Three – …Friends

Chapter Four – …My Family

Chapter Five – …The Canadian One

Foreword

I once got onto the subject of 'ability' with my advanced English class. Now, when I say 'advanced' I use the term loosely but they did speak more English than I speak Korean, so I'll give them that. So we're discussing ability and this exchange takes place:

Me: What can you do? (- a question that came up in the book)

Kid: I can speak French.

Me: Really? You can speak French?!

Kid: Yes, I can say 'watch out for the hedgehog' in French.

Me: What?! Why?!

Kid: I saw it on TV.

This got me thinking about the languages I learned when I was younger and my ability to regurgitate them now. I mean, sure I took those few weeks of French, that year of Italian, those six years of German, and of course there's the 12 years of Irish I had to live through, but how much of it do I know now? Even as I write this, I'm sitting in a coffee shop in a non-English speaking country and if a gun was pointed at my head and my life depended on what I said next in the land's native language, I could probably just ask my killer 'Where is E-Mart?', 'Where do you come from?' and then recite random nouns like 'lion', 'pencil', 'snowman' or 'eraser', followed by a count from 1 to 6, at a push 7. A step up on my French though, in which I can just say 'I love you' and 'where is the exit?'. If I were held at gunpoint in France, my killer would be forever haunted by my last words.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I never had any desire to learn Korean. In my first year here, I did make a vague effort to learn some Korean; I bought a book and a pretty new pencil, and for a brief period I did attend some classes. However, as the year went on, and as I was only here for that ONE year, I felt during my last three months, 'really, what's the point, I'm going to leave soon anyway'. Then, of course, like everyone here that stays for 'just one year', I came back. Figuring I was back for 'just one year' and 'this was my last year', I'd concentrate on other things besides learning Korean.  Unfortunately, my 'last' year is just the same as everyone else's 'last' year here, non-existent. Fast-forward four and a half years and that unfortunate mentality is still with me.

Today, despite the small amount of Korean language classes I've taken, the years I've lived here and the Korean cocktail menu in the bar I've studied intently, I still read words like I'm one of my Kindergarten students learning the word 'cat'.

'Ccccccc-Aaaaaaaa-Tuhhhhhh? Ca-a-tuh? What's a caaa-aaaaa-tuh? Oh, a CAT, you say….of course.'

They say it's easier to learn a language the younger you are as our brains are like little sponges, which is probably why in Korea a lot of kids start English school at 3-4 years old. It's a funny thing teaching that age group. They very quickly work out that not only do they not understand YOU, but you also don't understand THEM. In the first month, you pick up phrases such as 'Don't touch me', 'That's annoying' and 'Come here please'.  Also, the ever important 'Hurry', as on field trips half the class would dawdle behind staring aimlessly at a ladybug on the ground while the rest cower in fear, hysterically crying nearby, evidently waiting for the black and red creature to exact its violent revenge on the human race.

Even knowing how to say the most frequently asked phrase, 'Where are you from?' hasn't helped much either as people can say 'Where do you come from?', 'Where do you live?', 'From what country do you originate?', 'From whence did you come?' (probably not that last one…and perhaps not the one before it either). Luckily, it's usually followed by, 'American?' and then I know the stock answer to give:

Ireland….No…No….Ireland……Ok, yes fine, England. Yes, I'm from England.

Although, it would be nice to know more Korean, be a bit more fluent in the language spoken around me, be able to get my order correct in restaurants, at the same time there's something nice and tranquil about not having to understand conversations overheard on the bus/train/subway and being able to happily ignore the pointless advertisements that litter the streets and hallways of our world. It makes them easier to drown out and remain oblivious to. Visiting home, with the sudden ability to understand everything, I found this an unnecessary distraction in my daily life.

And besides, this is my last year anyway, so really, what's the point?!

For years, I kept track of funny things my students said on various social sites until enough people had told me, 'you should make a website'. I thought, 'Psht, a website? Me? Sure, who would care what I had to say?'

But then I did. I started a website, The Ketchup War.

At first, I figured only my mother and The Canadian One would read when I wrote. But I soon learned I was wrong and gathered a group of dedicated Quote Friday followers. Here I present to you the full collection of complete, unabridged and unedited quoted from my four and a half years as an ESL Teacher in South Korea to kids aged 6-12.

PART ONE

QUOTES FROM STUDENTS

Chapter One

On Love & Relationships

In every school I've ever worked at the kids have always been a little more interested in my life than in anything they study in class. Usually after dispensing with pleasantries, names, where I'm from, etc, the kids undoubtedly wander upon the most asked question in Korea: 'Do you have a boyfriend?'

Some kids ask it before they even find out where I'm from.

I was working in a private school for a while where the kids took extra lessons outside of elementary school. It was across the road from the elementary school. Two eleven-year-old boy students tried to set me up on a date with their elementary school's native teacher:

Kid 1: Teacher, Smith, very nice. You 26. He 27. Perfect. I will give you his phone number. Marry?

Me: Um...no.

Kid 1: You can be dating then. I will bring you his picture.

Kid 2: Oh yes teacher, it's a romantic story....

Kid 1: You can write a love letter to him.

Practicing conversations about letters and mail in class:

Boy 1: Yes, I write letter. To my friend. She move to another land. She write to me 'love me'. I was scared.

Boy 2: I write bottle letter. I throw at my friend's house. It broke his window. Our friendship exploded. We are not friends.

Kid: Teacher, Irish tradition, get married where?

Me: In a church usually.

Kid: Ahhhh, Christian country...I see.

Kid 2: When you marry Smith Teacher, in church, yes?

Me: I am not marrying Smith Teacher.

Kid: But why?!!!

Kid 1: Teacher, you have boyfriend?

Me: Yes.

Kid 2: He Korean?

Me: No, he's Canadian.

Kid 1: Ou Teacher! He is handsome? Like a singer? His skin is bling bling?

Me: Ha, yes, he is very handsome.

Kid 2: REALLY??

Me: Of course!

Kid 1: Ou, you are lucky girl!

Kid: Teacher, you boyfriend, he will you marry me, you, ok??

Kid 1: Teacher…you like….boys….um….big arms?

She makes a muscle gesture with arms.

Me: Eh…no…not really.

Kid 2: Teacher, you like…boys…they….ou, chocolate chest?! She looks to her friend for help.

Kid 1: SIX-PACK!!

I was laughing so much and I couldn't speak!

Diary quote: When I 30 years old, I will wedding. I hope my bride will be beautiful (He's 10!)

Kid 1: Teacher, your boyfriend name?

Me: Ian.

One kid looks at me, then stands up, walks across the room to where I keep all the Grade One workbooks and starts sifting through them. He