Sword Hax

By Joey Kirby

Have you ever found yourself wielding a powerful sword and fighting off a bunch of enemies who happen to be anime stereotypes? Wade sure has! He started out as an employee at a school uniform store. The next thing he knew, a beautiful girl identifying herself as "Fun Size" came asking for his help to save someone only known as "The Countess". Apparently, Wade is the only person that can use the sword and no one will tell him why. No one will tell him what he has to do with "The Countess" being kidnapped either. What exactly is going on here?!

With enough boss battles to fill a video game and enough anime/manga stereotypes to make a full length series, Sword Hax delivers an adventure you won't soon forget!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joey Kirby
• Release date: Apr 17, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301288472

Joey Kirby

Hello! I am Joey Kirby, author of Sword Hax, and plenty of other books to come in the future. If you've read my book, you likely picked up on the fact I love anime. Trigun, Bleach, DBZ, and many others. I love to attend anime conventions such as Otakon in Baltimore and Katsucon in Washington DC. Maybe one day I'll have my own panel at one of those! If you're curious, I have cosplayed as Aizen from Bleach and Hiroki Sugimura from Battle Royale in the past. I also love video games. Nintendo has always been my favorite company, but I'll play other stuff too. Right now I'm going through a phase where I just wanna play handheld games. Just spent a few months with Persona 4 Golden on the Playstation Vita. Wonderful game! There are plenty of other things I enjoy, but no need to go too crazy here. Go ahead and ask me any other questions you might have!

Book preview

Sword Hax

By: Joey Kirby

Cover Illustration By: Manda Diamond

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013

Dedication Time!

To everyone, alive or dead, that has inspired me or been in my life in some way. Your positive or negative influences in my life have brought me to where I am today. I would especially like to thank:

Members of GameFAQs Contest Message Board (Board 8): Thank you for giving me something to do during a rather boring and depressing part of my life. Little did I know I’d end up sticking around and become a regular. I (StifledSilence) really feel like I belong among you. So if you are reading this, have some waffles. Also, *drowns you in ten gallons of syrup*

Andy: Early on in writing process, you took a look at the rough drafts and gave me some solid advice that was very helpful in completing this book. Along with being a good friend overall, you more than deserve a thank you. Not to mention, Generation IV of Pokemon wouldn’t have been nearly as fun without you.

Manda: You are the love of my life and one of my main inspirations to live to the fullest. You’ve helped me so much to get where I am right now. Without you, I may not have had the strength to get this far. Plus you read this book and helped me edit it. And you drew the cover! I look forward to spending my life with you. =)

Robin: You are pretty much the only non-immediate family member I see on a regular basis. You’ve always taken an interest in what I do and your enthusiasm has always been an inspiration to me.

Mom, Ammies, Grandpop, and Whitey: I see you all pretty much every day, and have my entire life. You’ve always been there. I know you always will be. You’re the most important people (and kitty) in my world. This little spot in the dedication page can’t begin to tell you how much you mean to me, but I hope it provides a base idea. I love you all.

Copyright © 2012 Joey Kirby

All rights are reserved to the author. No part of this e-book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission.

This work is fictitious. All names, characters, places, and incidents appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is purely coincidental.

Just thought you should know. =)

Hey there! Like my book cover? Of course you do! The illustrator, Manda Diamond, has a deviantART page. Go check it out: http://rainndiamonds.deviantart.com/

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter One: The Clumsy Abduction of Suburban Royalty

Chapter Two: The Unlikely Uniform Store Hero

Chapter Three: An Unwanted Trip to a Generic Castle

Chapter Four: What? Swords Can’t Do That!

Chapter Five: Things Aren’t Always Better with Age

Chapter Six: The Wetter, the Better

Chapter Seven: Contact Sport

Chapter Eight: Wide Open Spaces of Claustrophobia

Chapter Nine: Impromptu Concert

Chapter Ten: A Lot Can Happen in a Dungeon

Chapter Eleven: The Man with the Permanent Face

Chapter Twelve: Nameless Guards Can Be Problematic in Droves

Chapter Thirteen: Answers

Chapter Fourteen: Self Destruct? Seriously? Lame!

Chapter Fifteen: Back to Boring

Chapter One: The Clumsy Abduction of Suburban Royalty

It was a neighborhood that no one would suspect could ever house something like a kidnapping. Despite being adjacent to a busy highway, it was perfectly tucked away from anything remotely busy. On its outskirts sat a library, a pharmacy, and a large path of stairs leading down to a light-rail station. While the light-rail station tended to be crowded at certain times of the day, the neighborhood itself remained comfortably quiet. People went about their daily routines. With the exception of the kids walking around, or riding their bikes, you could find the streets empty most hours of the day. Truly, it was like being in a different world altogether, considering how close it was to the major city. Even more truly, this location, despite its safe feeling, can either be the most ideal place, or the place of most disaster to commit a crime.

The night came, darkening the streets. All of the children were called back into their homes and the doors shut and locked behind them. The street lights came on and the streets were empty. After a few hours, everyone would turn in for the night to sleep. They figured they would awaken the next day to the same state they saw before they drifted off. As everyone reached that peaceful slumber, a green 1976 Holden HX GTS Monaro inched its way onto the deserted street carefully so it wouldn’t make any unnecessary noise. As best the driver tried, the car still made slight wheezes and gasps as it slowly moved forward. It was a miracle no one heard or saw the shoddy car coming.

The word shoddy may be an understatement depending on how you look at this vehicle. The green paint was scratched in multiple places on each door, likely from smacking other car doors when exiting from the vehicle. The windshield was cracked slightly in the top and bottom right corners, and the windshield wiper blades were both split in two. The paint was faded completely in spots on the trunk of the car, making it appear to be somewhat tie-dyed with white splotches infiltrating the hunter green canvas. With that aside, the most immediately noticeable blemish on the car was the various specks of bird droppings that clearly had at least a month to dry and adhere to the roof of the car. A half hour or more of scrubbing would be required to clear every last trace of it.

The inside of the car was just as bad as the outside. There were empty soda cans and potato chip bags strewn all across the floor, spilled liquid stains all over the interior, and even full boxes of food lying in random places on the backseat. Perhaps the most hysterical items lying about were the ones you wouldn’t expect to be in the backseat of a car. Scraps of paper, clothes, boots, and even pieces of broken electronics took up residence among the food stuff on the floor in heaps. As the passengers left the car, the trash was crumpled up and became even more disorganized. It was difficult for them to wade their way through the garbage to leave the vehicle.

The former inhabitants of the car all looked similar in appearance, with few key differences. The four stood at exactly the same height and weighed the same. They were each very muscular, and each had a different hair color, but had the same style in a buzz cut. The driver had blonde hair, the front right passenger had black hair, the left side back passenger had red hair, and the right side back passenger had brown hair. Each of them wore the same type of clothing; a tightly fitting white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. The color of each one’s jeans and shoes corresponded to their hair color, and their t-shirts each had a number on the front them in the center. #1 had black jeans, #2 had yellow jeans, #3 had red jeans, and #4 had brown jeans. At first glance you would want to refer them as The Muscular Guys and assign a number to identify them individually. Incidentally, this was the case with their names.

The Muscular Guys all gathered outside the car and looked upon the house that they parked outside of.

You’re absolutely sure that you brought us to the correct house, right, Muscular Guy #2? Muscular Guy #4 asked sternly.

Of course. And for the last time, stop being so formal! Just call me #2! Calling me something with more than one name is just weird.

Alright, alright. But still. You are sure, right, #2? #4 asked again.

Have I ever steered you wrong before? inquired #2 as if he already knew the answer.

The following silence and glares upon him made #2 feel uneasy. His confidence dropped as he answered his brother.

Yes, I’m sure.

Well you had better be. growled #1. "Because the last time you were sure, we not only arrived at the wrong spot, but the people inside had weapons and nearly killed us. We were intruding, you know."

I know, bro… #2 said solemnly.

#2 once again felt nervous as he recalled that particular bad experience. He had, naturally, led them to the wrong spot just as #1 pointed out. However, he hadn’t done so on purpose. He cared about his brothers, despite the fact that they saw him as being a bit absent minded.

You know, and yet you always seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over again! blurted #3. I mean, do you WANT us to die?!

#4 reached his hand out to stop #3 from saying another word. He smiled as he looked at the angry expression on #3, and the guilty look on #2. His overall calmness made him stand out as the logical and rational one of the group.

He means well and he cares about us. stated #4. Despite the fact that he is rather absent minded, he would never deliberately send us to our deaths. He just needs to be more careful.

#1, who was the tough one of the group, and #3, who was the immature and impatient one of the group, both stopped arguing with #2, the equally immature and headstrong child of the group, immediately after this last sentiment.

I say we trust him and just go inside. Once we complete the job, we can continue this discussion if you really deem it necessary. I, however, do not think we need to speak of this any further. #4 explained in his matter-of-fact tone. Do we agree?

There was a brief silence, but then #1 and #3 agreed. #2 felt relieved that the wisest of his brothers stood up for him.

Alright then. Let’s go. said #4.

He turned around and walked to the house. The other three followed right behind him. #3 pulled a credit card out of his pocket and wedged it into the door. After maneuvering it a bit in the crease of the door, it unlocked, and the four Muscular Guys entered as quietly as possible. Not a single light was on inside this house, so the complete darkness prevented the four Muscular Guys from being able to see each other. After a minute of carefully walking through the house, a glass vase toppled over and shattered.

The voice belonging to #2 started whimpering in fear, as he thought his mistake had given up their presence in the house. The other three attempted to calm him down and shut him up, but shuffling could be heard upstairs. Suddenly, the lights came on and two people started charging down the steps. The second the lights came on, a realization hit three of the four Muscular Guys.

Thanks a bunch, #2! yelled #3. This isn’t the right house, you stupid jackass!

We can argue later! We need to leave now! shouted #4

As they all turned to flee from the house, gunshots rang out from two different types of guns. The initial shots missed their targets, but they became more and more accurate as the people firing came into focus. It was a large, middle-aged man, armed with a shotgun, and his shorter, thinner wife, armed with a six shot revolver; both in their pajamas. They fired wildly at their would-be adversaries, who were not putting up a fight at all. They just desperately wanted to escape.

#2 and #3 both escaped first, as they could run the fastest. #1 was close behind them, but noticed #4 had fallen behind. He was crumpled up in a corner with a revolver bullet wound in his shoulder. #1 turned around to go back, but #4 yelled out to him.

It’s too late! Just go! shouted #4 Hopefully they aren’t shooting to kill, just to…

But in that instant, Muscular Guy #1 stopped listening. He charged back into the house, rebounded off a wall, and smashed the large man in the face with a massive punch. He quickly retrieved the shotgun and threw it with all his might at the wife, nailing her in the forehead and knocking her unconscious while she tried to reload her revolver. With both of their assailants out cold on the floor, #1 went over to #4 to retrieve him from the corner. As he reached him, however, he noticed the wound was much worse than he thought. The shoulder wound turned out to just be blood dripping from the real wound in #4’s neck. #1 pleaded with #4 to not give up, but it was of little use. With his last bit of energy, #4 choked out:

Don’t blame our brother for this, even if he is a bit of an idiot sometimes. I love you guys…

#4 slumped over, dead. #1 was absolutely shocked at this turn of events and the first thing he thought of was revenge. He picked up the revolver off the floor and aimed it for the wife’s head, as she had been the one that fired the shot that killed his brother. He stood there for a few seconds before #2 and #3 came back into the house.

C’mon, man! We need to go! shouted #3.

#1 didn’t listen. He stood over the unconscious woman, shaking and growling as he prepared to finish her off. #2 and #3 noticed #4 dead over in the corner and walked closer to #1.

Dude. Think about what #4 would be telling us. instructed #3. He would tell us that we were breaking into their house and that we were a major risk to them. Those people thought they were fighting for their lives against us. It wouldn’t be right to kill them.

But they killed our brother!! croaked #1 as he barely could keep his voice from cracking in his sorrow.

We always looked to #4 as our leader up until now. said #2 And now that he’s gone, we look to you. We need to get out of here.

#1 stared both of his brothers in the eye and realized that they looked helpless and scared. Regaining his composure, he unloaded the bullets from the gun and tossed them down on the wife, still unconscious on the floor. He stared at her for just another second and then looked again at his dead brother. Then he looked back at the woman.

Bitch… he said, still a bit shaken. He tossed the unloaded gun on her and then spat on her face. #1 lifted #4 out of the corner and then turned with his brothers and left the house. He loaded #4’s body into the trunk. They then calmly got in the car, but as #2 was about to get in the driver’s seat, #1 scowled at him. #2 obediently switched places with #1 as he got in the driver’s seat. #3 resumed his place in the backseat.

We’re not going to argue or say a single negative thing. We’re going to the correct house, get what we came for and leave. Are we clear? asked #1.

He checked the rear view mirror and saw #3 nodding. He looked to his right and also saw #2 nodding. Both were trying not to cry, but both were obviously in deep sadness over their brother. They were just trying to be strong for the person they had just declared to be their new leader. #1 nodded himself and drove away from the current street. He drove one street over and arrived at the house in the same spot as the one in the prior neighborhood was; 5 houses down on the left. He parked and sat still in his seat. After a few seconds’ pause, he looked at both of them.

Well? #1 barked as if they should know what he was talking about.

They did, in fact, know what he was talking about. #2 and #3 scurried out of the car and into the house while #1 waited in the driver’s seat. When they were out of sight, #1 choked out a few tears he had been holding back. He was mourning the loss of his brother and his role model. #4 had always been the smartest among them and guided them through each of their objectives, illegal as they might be. As his other two brothers stated before, they were looking to him now in #4’s absence.

#1 wiped his eyes, and remained strong. Just as he finished wiping away the tears, #2 and #3 bolted out of the house with a figure wrapped in bed sheets. Not a single feature about this kidnapped individual could be seen. #2 jumped into the front passenger seat and #3 hoisted their hostage into the backseat with him. The hostage put up no sort of fight, as they appeared to be unconscious within the sheets.

Did you grab the right person? asked #1

We couldn’t see too well in the dark, but the body we grabbed felt all slender and curvy. Based on what we were told to kidnap, I think we got the right one. explained #3.

We should hurry though. People were waking up as we left. #2 added.

Right. Let’s go then.

#1 started the car and peeled away from their parking spot. They tore out of the neighborhood and nearly escaped, but encountered the police on the way out. The cops had evidently been called by a neighbor after the shooting that had taken place in the first house. The Muscular Guys’ shoddy green car just barely missed being involved in a head-on collision with the leading police car. #1 swerved out of the way, and the police cars gave chase. They identified the green car as the offending car reported by the neighbors.

The police quickly caught up to the shoddy green car and were right on its bumper. #2 and #3 started to panic, but #1 silenced them as he desperately tried to think of an escape plan. He had, for a second, wished he had taken the shotgun and the revolver used against them just moments ago. He instantly removed that thought from his mind, as he refused to use the weapons that had just taken his brother away from him. That was when he arrived at the solution to their problem.

#1 had remembered something #4 once told them.

If we ever get into a situation where one of us dies and the rest of you are trying to make a getaway, don’t let the death go in vain. While the proper thing would be a funeral for our fallen brother, the more proper thing is to ensure the survival of the remaining brothers. I want us all to promise each other that if the occasion ever happens, we will use the body in the most effective escape method possible.

The words of #4, while seeming cryptic now, were what #1 felt would be the right thing to do now to honor #4’s wishes and escape alive. The cops had already begun firing upon their car. So with a sudden movement, #1 told #2 to take the wheel as he dove out of the driver’s side window. #1 landed safely on the trunk, but bullets whizzed past his body, nearly hitting him on several occasions. #1 carefully opened the trunk and hoisted #4’s body from within. It absorbed a few stray bullets as it was carefully being aimed at the police cars,