Liz Tells Frank What Happened In...: Volume 2

By Liz Shannon Miller

Ever wondered just how bad "Dance Moms" really is? Need a guide to all seven seasons of "The West Wing"? Miss seeing "The Cabin in the Woods," but wonder about its biggest twists? Well, it's your lucky day, because Liz Shannon Miller (G4's "Attack of the Show") is back to tell her friend Frank what happened in that stuff, and beyond!

"Liz Tells Frank What Happened In...: Volume 2" not only compiles another 20 classic LTFWHI entries, including Pixar's "Cars", "The Lizzie Bennet Diaries," "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" and "Southland Tales," but brings you book-exclusive entries covering everything from the video game "Mass Effect 3" to the "Star Wars" novel "The Courtship of Princess Leia."

It's another tiptoe through the tulips with your favorite and least-favorite films, TV shows, books and so forth, because Hugh Jackman forbid that you find out on your own how bad Tucker Max's "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" is.

Liz has suffered for pop culture's sins. "Liz Tells Frank" is the (hilarious) result.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Liz Shannon Miller
• Release date: Apr 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781940070001

Liz Shannon Miller

Liz Shannon Miller is a writer for stage, screen and the web, most recently for G4's ATTACK OF THE SHOW. She has a BFA in screenwriting from USC, and since graduating has written dialogue for the U.S. Army, covered the online video world for the tech site GigaOM, and been published by the New York Times, Variety, The Wrap, Nerve and Thought Catalog. Her first full-length play, the critically acclaimed LIGHTS OFF, EYES CLOSED, premiered this spring, and in her spare time she hosts a podcast about time travel and lives a full and active internet life at http://lizshannonmiller.com

Book preview

Copyright 2013 Liz Shannon Miller

Cover Art by Asa Shumskas-Tait

Ebook Edition, version 1, Smashwords Edition

ISBN 978-1-940070-00-1

All entries, with the exception of The Courtship of Princess Leia, Dragon Age: Origins, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, Mass Effect 3 and The West Wing, originated on liztellsfrank.com, and may also be enjoyed there! There are also photos and links on the website! It is a big American party everybody disco dancing! Find out for yourself by dropping by and/or subscribing to updates! New entries occur every week.

Version 1 electronic book publication April 2013

Electronic Book Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. And/or tell them to visit Liz Tells Frank! We have a lot of fun there.

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In...

Volume 2

25 More Trips Through the Best and Worst of Books, Film, Television (and Video Games!), compiled from LizTellsFrank.com

By Liz Shannon Miller

Table of Contents

Copyright

Title Page

Table of Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Street Fighter (The Movie)

Season 1 of Smash

The Expendables

Parts of Touch

Mass Effect 2

Mass Effect 3 --

The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Tucker Max's I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell --

The Castle Novels Written by Castle

The 1996 Doctor Who Back Door Pilot

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Imzadi

Southland Tales

The West Wing (Yes, All Of The West Wing) --

Dragon Age: Origins --

The Adjustment Bureau

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries

The Cabin in the Woods

Deliverance

The Courtship of Princess Leia --

Pixar's Cars

Defying Gravity

Magic Mike

Dance Moms

Toys

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

About the Author

-- The asterisks on these entries indicate the fact that the author, at great risk to life and limb, told Frank about these media properties exclusively for this book. Perhaps one day, they will appear on the website, but not anytime soon. After all, hasn't there been enough about Tucker Max on the Internet already?

Foreword

By Margaret Dunlap

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that once you no longer care what your GPA is, you have to create your own measurements of success in life. Which is just another reason why sometimes being a grown-up is a big pain in the neck.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, in the spirit of full disclosure, I need to admit that I knew Liz long before I ever heard of Liz Tells Frank.  She and I attended the USC School of Cinematic Arts at the same time, where, because we were in different programs, we took exactly one class together.  However, that class was enough for each of us to recognize a kindred spirit.  Our shared love of all things Star Trek, not to mention our spirited analysis of Babylon 5, was — in all modesty — the stuff that legends are built on.  

Naturally, after we each graduated, we fell out of touch completely.

Thankfully for all of us, Liz then proceeded to meet Frank, and a truly epic friendship was born.

Of course, I was oblivious to this historic event, and years passed during which I had no idea that there was a giant Liz Tells Frank-shaped void in my life... until one day, when fate reunited me with Liz at a mutual friend's birthday party.  We did the usual, So what are you working on? exchange, and after we chatted about the web series I was writing for—an adaptation of Pride and Prejudice as a modern day video blog called The Lizzie Bennet Diaries — Liz mentioned her website: Liz Tells Frank, where she explained television shows, movies, books, and comics to her friend Frank so that he didn't have to actually watch or read them himself.

Okay, it sounded a little odd, but I had humored friends with much stranger projects, so I promised her I would check it out. 

I got home.

I Googled Liz Tells Frank. 

I read exactly one post before composing the following email:

Dear Liz,

Your website is so funny I would read it even if I didn't know you.

—Margaret

I went on to read more than one post and discovered that — in addition to providing the special joy of geeking out over a friend's work — Liz Tells Frank was also legitimately useful. (Assuming you consider a reminder of why you still keep a copy of Star Trek: Imzadi on your bookshelf useful, and let's face it, who doesn't need one of those from time to time?)  

Liz Tells Frank convinced me to go see Cabin in the Woods even though I don't normally do horror movies.  And it has moved the Nikki Heat mysteries from the mental category of Why bother? firmly into my Sure, next time I'm on a plane, I'll pick one up pile. 

Clearly, Liz Tells Frank has done more for me than 99 percent of the Internet.  And if that were all I had ever gotten from Liz Tells Frank, I would still have been able to go to my grave satisfied, at least on that particular score.

And then, one morning I was making my blog rounds, and discovered the happy upshot of the universal truth I mentioned at the top of this essay: When you have to find your own measures of success in life, sometimes you achieve ambitions you didn't know you had.

That's what happened to me the day I learned that Liz had deemed The Lizzie Bennet Diaries to be worthy of Frank's attention. 

Because, Liz, you can measure success by fans, views, and good press, or you can measure it by friends who go out of their way to tell strangers how much they like your work.

I am happy to tell the world that my life is richer because I know Liz, and because Liz knows Frank.  There was no way for me to work a mention of the site into Lizzie Bennet, so this forward (and a bunch of tweets when the book comes out) will have to do. 

Liz, consider yourself successful.

Best,

Margaret

Los Angeles, 2013

Margaret Dunlap writes for the small and smaller screens.  Most relevantly for this foreword, she served as a writer and co-executive producer on "The Lizzie Bennet Diaries."

Introduction

Dear Readers,

I would like to thank you for acquiring this book. I'm very serious about this! The Liz Tells Frank project, which began so humbly (me telling my friend Frank about the international hit television show Bones), has become so much larger than I could ever have imagined — like, the fact you're reading the introduction to a second volume of entries? That is HUGE.

Why do another volume? Well, people seemed to enjoy the first installment. Also, if I was gonna expose myself to the poison that was Tucker Max, direct financial compensation felt fair.

The true-true, if you will, is that Liz Tells Frank continues to be one of my favorite things I do. It's a way for me to engage with pop culture as both a fan and a critic; plus it challenges my skills as a writer, to capture the essence of a thing for the reader.

Because true story: Liz Tells Frank is the end result of years of professional training. I'm serious! You see, years ago, a large part of my supplemental income came from doing coverage for various Hollywood production companies.

Coverage, if you're not familiar, is the act of summarizing and critiquing a book or screenplay — essentially, distilling a full-length work into an easy-to-read document that allows one's boss to have the gist of a thing, without actually having to engage with it.

Sounds like Liz Tells Frank, right? Well, here's the catch: With coverage, you have to pretend to care about whatever you're reviewing. With Liz Tells Frank, I exercise those muscles, but also do what I always wanted to do while doing coverage: Say screw this, no one should give a shit about this, let's just focus on what matters.

Being able to say fuck you to plot points that bore me or make me mad is the purest vengeance I could ever hope for. Also, Liz Tells Frank is fun to work on. So go with it.

Huge thanks once again go out to all those who have supported Liz Tells Frank in some fashion, whether it be by commenting, contributing, sharing links or acquiring the first book.

Asa Shumskas-Tait continues to be the very best cover artist a girl could ever hope for, and Janet Miller deserves huge thanks for proofing this volume and also continuing to be a font of wisdom on the wonderful world of e-publishing.

To work on a project like this is to be reminded of how many wonderful people are a part of your life, and how much terrible/amazing media there is out there. To work on a project like this, in essence, is to be reminded that the world is a wonderful thing.

Love,

Liz

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In Street Fighter (The Movie)

Dear Frank,

Aren't there movies that we, as a society, have agreed to pretend didn't happen? I had thought so. I had believed that we were a civilized people, that we would accept our mistakes as a race and move past them as best we can. But for some reason I don't ever want to understand, HBO decided to prove me wrong by making Street Fighter available on HBO Go.

But here's what's interesting: Once I started watching? I really couldn't stop. There is something captivating about how thoroughly Street Fighter says Fuck You to the audience and to good taste. So amazing, was the level of terrible splayed out before me.

I suppose I should own some of the blame for watching Street Fighter. But really, I'm pretty sure it's HBO's fault.

Frank, to break down for you every single moment of this movie that makes no sense or actively rejects logical thought would take an effort that's frankly beyond me. There are simply too many moments that challenge your understanding of how bad a film can be.

But here's the super-short version of the plot: There's this city somewhere in the Asian area of the world, I guess, called Shadaloo, and it's been taken over by the evil dictator M. Bison. A fake version of the UN called the Allied Nations has sent a peacekeeping force or whatever into the region, led by Guile Jean-Claude Van Damme (yes, JCVD did go to the trouble of bleaching his hair for the role, but otherwise he's just playing Jean-Claude Van Damme, Guy Who Is Good At Kicking Things).

Also on the scene are journalist Chun-Li, her partners Balrog and E. Honda, con men/vaguely homoerotic BFFs Ryu and Ken, crime lord Sagat, and super-sexy bullfighter Vega. Bison has taken some hostages, which makes the AN mad, and