Sex, Love and Chocolate

By Jane Valland

Can sex ever be as good as chocolate? – According to Jane Valland, it can! Read her enjoyable memoirs as she recalls her extraordinary journey of sexual discovery from teenager to mother of two. When her mother sat her down at nine years of age and told her the facts of life and that making love was the best thing ever, Jane was hooked on finding Mr Right....

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jane Valland
• Release date: Dec 31, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301983308

Jane Valland

Jane Valland is a one of 'Thatcher's' children.. Part of a generation that was born in the seventies but grew up in the eighties. She was fortunate to experience free further education and obtained both an undergraduate and a post graduate degree. Not satisfied with two degrees, she then decided to continue her education, obtaining a first class honours degree in her favourite subject, history. This woman likes to read and write!! She has tried every job available and in fact is thinking about writing her next book based on her experiences in her varied career! Due to the naughty content of her first book, she is very private about her personal life, suffice to say, she has a husband, two children and a dog. She lives somewhere in England and when not writing, likes cooking and eating the results. She also has an out of control addiction to 85% chocolate.

Book preview

Sex, Love and Chocolate.

An extraordinary true story of sexual discovery from teenager to married mother of two.

By

Jane Valland

Copyright Jane Valland 2012

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Dedication

To my Mum, Nadine and Julie.

Preface

ELEGY XX.

TO HIS MISTRESS GOING TO BED.

by John Donne

COME, madam, come, all rest my powers defy ;

Until I labour, I in labour lie.

The foe ofttimes, having the foe in sight,

Is tired with standing, though he never fight.

Off with that girdle, like heaven's zone glittering,

But a far fairer world encompassing.

Unpin that spangled breast-plate, which you wear,

That th' eyes of busy fools may be stopp'd there.

Unlace yourself, for that harmonious chime

Tells me from you that now it is bed-time.

Off with that happy busk, which I envy,

That still can be, and still can stand so nigh.

Your gown going off such beauteous state reveals,

As when from flowery meads th' hill's shadow steals.

Off with your wiry coronet, and show

The hairy diadems which on you do grow.

Off with your hose and shoes ; then softly tread

In this love's hallow'd temple, this soft bed.

In such white robes heaven's angels used to be

Revealed to men ; thou, angel, bring'st with thee

A heaven-like Mahomet's paradise ; and though

Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know

By this these angels from an evil sprite ;

Those set our hairs, but these our flesh upright.

Licence my roving hands, and let them go

Before, behind, between, above, below.

O, my America, my Newfoundland,

My kingdom, safest when with one man mann'd,

My mine of precious stones, my empery ;

How am I blest in thus discovering thee !

To enter in these bonds, is to be free ;

Then, where my hand is set, my soul shall be.

Full nakedness !  All joys are due to thee ;

As souls unbodied, bodies unclothed must be

To taste whole joys.   Gems which you women use

Are like Atlanta's ball cast in men's views ;

That, when a fool's eye lighteth on a gem,

His earthly soul might court that, not them.

Like pictures, or like books' gay coverings made

For laymen, are all women thus array'd.

Themselves are only mystic books, which we

—Whom their imputed grace will dignify—

Must see reveal'd.   Then, since that I may know,

As liberally as to thy midwife show

Thyself ; cast all, yea, this white linen hence ;

There is no penance due to innocence :

To teach thee, I am naked first ; why then,

What needst thou have more covering than a man?

Copied from http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/donne/elegy20.htm

Introduction

This book has been in the making for years. It was only when my husband turned round to me last night in bed and told me I should write it now, that I find myself sitting at my kitchen table typing on an old laptop (so the kids don't find any drafts!). Over the years, friends, hairdressers, acquaintances, dinner party guests, neighbours and fellow students have all told me, you should write your memoirs.... and although I have started a couple of drafts, it always felt like a complete ego trip or a sad attempt at trying to be a writer. This book is not a straight autobiography, nor is it a fictionalised version of my life. It is a sharing of my journey in achieving sexual confidence and being happy in myself. My hope is that by sharing the most intimate details of some the highs and lows of my extraordinary love life, you can learn from some of the mistakes I have made, but also share in the unique feeling that comes when you achieve true intimacy with your chosen sexual partner.

I have found that when having intimate conversations with women and men over the last twenty five years, my experience and what I expect from a sexual relationship is not common. Generally women want to know more of how I achieve sexual satisfaction and the men..well more of that later! The important thing that I want to get across is that I am no different from any other woman out there. I am not remarkable in any way. I am not slim, or tall, I have stretch marks, and I eat too much chocolate at times. But I have a confidence in my walk, in my smile and in myself which I put down to being completely comfortable in my body, (and having mind-blowing epic sex with my husband as and when!). It is not the quantity of sex that is important but it most definitely is the quality, and any woman who is not sent to the stars when she consents to having sex with her partner, her fling, her fuck-buddy, her boss, her PA whoever she chooses to share her sex with should not be satisfied.

If you spent a lot of money on a car, or a pair of shoes and they didn't perform the way you expected you would ask for your money back, or get them repaired. However, I have discovered that when it comes to sex, women put up with unsatisfying sex for a number of reasons:

don't want to upset her partner,

don't want to admit to herself or him that it wasn't personally satisfying,

have never experienced an orgasm (and therefore don't know what they are going for),

can't be arsed to actually get to the point of orgasm because no time, too knackered and its easier just to finish him off and get back to sleep (we have all been there..)

I am sure there are many other reasons too. Of course libido can be affected by an infinite number of things, illness, drugs, depression, pregnancy, menopause and tiredness to name just a few. This book is