Silenced

By RaeBeth McGee- Buda

Amber Brown spent her entire existence believing Dave was her father. When her mother reveals this is untrue, she goes through an emotional spiral with depression. It's hard for her to believe her mother had lied to her all this time.

A move to a new home and town causes Amber to be consumed by her "darkness" and reverts to cutting to free herself from her pain.

When Casey, her new friend enters her life, she introduces Amber to parties, drugs, and Amber's new boyfriend Landon. The secret of cutting begins to take affect on Amber as she tries to hide it from her friends and family. In the mist of everything, Amber has the desire to find out who her biological father is.

Follow Amber through her trials of depression and cutting, along with the discovery of love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: RaeBeth McGee- Buda
• Release date: Dec 11, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301856756

RaeBeth McGee- Buda

Rae-Beth McGee-Buda resides in the rolling hills of Mannington, West Virginia with her husband, daughter, and son.She’s been writing in some form her entire life, but her loving young sister, Audra McGee noticed her talent and gave her the reassurance she needed to start her writing career. After many months of deliberation, Rae-Beth decided to trust her sisters' word and expand her short story into what we all know and love as The Silenced Series.Rae-Beth is a mother to an angel in Heaven...Miss Dakota, whom she honored in Saying Goodbye Without Saying Hello. Her goal for her books is to inspire and give hope. She is a Christian author, who firmly believes in God and incorporates her faith into some of her work.Learn more about RaeBeth by visiting her website.

Book preview

Silenced

Written By: Rae-Beth McGee

The work of this book is fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, dead or alive, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Published at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 RaeBeth McGee-Buda

ISBN: 9781301856756

Cover by RaeBeth McGee-Buda

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Amazon.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Acknowledgements:

First and foremost I want to thank God for giving me the ability and strength to write this book over the past five years. I owe him everything.

This book is dedicated to all those who are dealing with depression. Life is more than those dreadful feelings and it has so much more to offer. Keep your head up and be strong. Believe me... it’s worth it in the end.

Greg (My Husband)- Thank you for your unconditional support and love throughout the creation of Silenced. Thank you for the late night talks and each pot of coffee you made me along the way.

Stephanie Dagg- Thank you for your kindness in the editing journey and all that you have helped me with. You’re patience with all my questions is and was much appreciated.

WaAR- Thank all of you for your support and help throughout the writing of Silenced. You’re all an astonishing bunch and I am thankful that I got to know each and every one of you.

All the wonderful people who attended my Cover Reveal Blitz on Facebook- Thank you for your kind support and friendship. I enjoyed the time I spent with you while we waited the long process of editing/publishing. I will remember you all and all the laughs we had. You’re all amazing.

Lastly, I want to thank the person reading this. Without you, my message wouldn’t be out there. You’re the reason I write.

Depression (noun): a chemical imbalance within the brain that can be helped with medication. Depression hits more people than one would realize. It can get worse over time. Every person diagnosed with it tends to react differently. There are several common symptoms with depression such as being emotional. Emotions such as feeling gloomy, irritated, agitated, irritable, and being exhausted are a small part of depression. Many experience uncontrollable mood swings and feel worthless. Sometimes the symptoms of depression are noticeable. Other times a person can feel miserable and unhappy without knowing why.

Some with depression don’t take notice of the lifestyles around them. It doesn’t matter. Caring people may surround them each and every day but it still doesn’t change the fact that this person is depressed. Depression is a serious condition that gets overlooked everyday. One can’t control it. When one tries to cope, one can turn to unhealthy ways, such as cutting.

Chapter 1

I grab the razor blade I took from my dad’s garage. It’s tiny, but sharp. I turn it over in my hands, nicking my palm. The blood trickles down my wrist and I smile with grim satisfaction. Yes, this will do the job. I catch one last look in the mirror; the pain makes me want to explode. I can’t take it anymore. I press it lightly against my wrist, tracing a blue vein under my skin. The razor is cold, smooth, and comforting. I press harder, dragging it across my wrist over and over like I’m going to saw it off. Pain comes rushing out. Free at last.

The intensity is too much and I sink to the floor, leaning against the bathroom door while trying to catch my breath. I stay like this for a while, dripping blood onto the tile. Unexpectedly, the front door slams closed. I jump. I scramble for some toilet paper and press it to the wound.

Amber? my mother yells up the stairs, We’re home.

Yet I can’t move. I’m numb. I can’t even answer her back to tell her something, anything, to make sure she doesn’t come up here and see me like this.

Do you hear me? she yells again.

I gather up the energy to fight through the lack of feeling. I hear you. Sorry. I’ll be down in a minute, I reply hastily, hoping deep down inside she can’t hear my shaking voice. I hear her shoes tapping on the hardwood floors in the kitchen and I know I’m safe for a short time.

I need to get off the floor, even though the numbness still lingers throughout my body. I search deep inside for whatever strength I have left and push myself up. My arms are shaking but they’re able to hold me for a brief moment. Standing is a bit harder. I use the bathroom counter for support as I reach for the medicine cabinet to get the first aid kit.

I find the gauze and tape on the top shelf. Then sit back down. Resting on the toilet, I gently wrap my arm where my mom won’t notice, and tape it down. After the tape, I slide the sports band on. Another job well done.

****

While sitting at the kitchen table eating my dinner, I begin to think about being anesthetized. It’s about feeling nothing except that the world is against me. Sometimes I become too cold; my heart feels like it has been dipped into a frozen lake. It hurts a great deal, but no one can tell when I’m feeling it. For me, the only way to get away from the numbness is to cut myself.

I started cutting for fun. My ex-best friend Sarah said it would give you a high. We shared everything. If someone saw her, they saw me too. She stopped last year when she met her new boyfriend Tommy. I didn’t. Maybe it’s because Mom told me that Dave isn’t my real father. Maybe it’s because she won’t tell me who my real father is or what happened to him.

To top it all off, we moved. Mom thought it’d be best that I know the truth before we moved. This way nothing would come as a surprise. That was definitely an unexpected surprise. What matters to me the most is that my mother, the woman who loved me, one would think, had lied to me for my entire freaking life.

This man isn’t my father. So, what really happened to my father? Why hadn’t she told me the truth before I was seventeen? Mom didn’t answer any of my questions and that’s when the cutting became real.

Now, I’m living in a new house and hate that summer’s almost over. I’ll have to try to make friends again. This isn’t going to be simple because I’m not the easiest person to get along with. I’ll be the first to say that. I feel like something is missing.

For a moment, I think I stop breathing and my heart stops beating. I poke myself under the table with a pin that was in my hair. It hurts, therefore I’m pretty sure I’m still breathing. I have seven little red pinprick dots on my leg, proof I’m still alive with a beating heart.

I realize my mother’s asking me a question.

Amber, are you daydreaming again? she asks, as she knocks on the mahogany table to grab my attention.

I look at her with a blank expression on my face and apologize. I need to get away from here, to be in my safe zone, my bedroom.

Amber, how many times do I have to tell you dinner time is family time? I finish the sentence with her and roll my eyes. Yes, I have heard this more than once and know it by heart.

She goes back to what she and Dave were talking about and I glance around the room. The decor seems inviting for them but to me it’s just a solid reminder of what I’m not. The huge bay windows allow in too much light which brightens up the white walls. The cinnamon tile on the floor adds contrast with the matching cupboards along the wall. Mom thought it would be different to do the kitchen in cinnamon and apples. I could care less.

After dinner, I rinse off my plate and place it in the dishwasher. I trudge up the stairs and open my bedroom door. I eagerly close it behind me. I feel safe and free. I don’t like being around people because I feel like I don’t belong. Like I’ll never be good enough. When I’m in a crowded room, I feel everyone is superior to me or that the walls will cave in at any second.

I lay awake on my bed trying to get into a book. But it doesn’t seem to appeal to me anymore. I place the book back down on the side table. The room is dim; not even a glimpse of the sun setting shines through my dark curtains. I relax there in total silence and the world around me seems vacant. Thoughts about cutting submerge my mind. The high is amazing and words can’t describe it. Lately, it’s all I can think about

I glance at my bedroom door, wondering if my parents went to bed. I sit up, listening. Silence, I walk over to my door and gently open it. There aren’t any noises so they must be in their room. The clock beside my door displays nine o’clock. Yes, they must be asleep.

I open the door the rest of the way and peek around the corner. The coast is clear; I creep into the hall. Trying my best not to hit the squeaky board, I walk to the bathroom, step in, and close the door behind me. I crouch down where the razor blade is hidden. It’s behind the loose tile that sits down low behind the toilet. Grabbing my fingernail file and, placing it into the groove, the tile pops out and I see my blade. Finally, I’ll be able to silence all the darkness that’s stolen the brightness from me.

I pull up my sleeve and scrutinize my handiwork. I take the razor blade, place it beside the fresh cut, and follow it once more. The numbness grabs hold of me. I relax as the blood begins to slowly stream out.

Succumbing to the silence and the lack of feeling, I fall to the floor. The blood dripping out is cleaning out the bad feelings, which built up from the agonizing dinner just a few hours ago.

After lying there, for what seems like forever, I get up and realize how exhausted I am. I cover my newest accomplishment with gauze and head back to my room for a good night’s rest. The lack of sensation is subsiding enough that I think I can sleep.

****

The next morning I wake anxious and the day’s still gloomy. The feeling of being lost engulfs me. I want to escape it. I want to be free forever. I have one day until the new school term and I’m dreading it. I hate having to walk in there, not knowing a single person. Most of them will look at me like I’m an alien.

I don’t know why but I think it’s because my clothes aren’t full of color. I wear black nail polish all the time. I’m very quiet and I don’t like to involve myself in school activities. I’m different; perhaps that’s why they think I’m an oddball.

I already have the uniforms the school requires. Uniforms, yeah, I hate them! I’ve come from a school where your clothes were your personality and that’s how others saw you. I dread having to wear uniforms and not being able to express myself. Mom says it’s for the best. I disagree.

Lying on my black silk sheets, I don’t want to get up. I listen to my mom talking on the phone as she cooks breakfast for my ‘father’. That still baffles me. Why did it take her so long to tell me a partial truth? I hate it. I have a billion questions about my biological father and my mom refuses to answer them.

After being awake for an hour, I decide to get up finally. Mom’s taking me to get the rest of my school stuff. I don’t want to go. As I walk into the kitchen, I look around and feel anxiety flood me. I want to be back in my old house, in my old town, getting ready for my old school. I miss my best and only friend Sarah. I want to leave this place; it seems so dark.

It takes me an hour to get motivated enough to get ready; I feel pathetic. No matter how many times I change my clothes, I still look like a heifer and my hair won’t go right. I’m not looking forward to a day outside my room. I want to be back in my bed and in my comfy clothes.

As we walk through the store, my right arm starts to tingle. I’m not sure what it’s from. Perhaps it’s from cutting last night. We gander each isle while grabbing the supplies I need. I pick out a super cute pen with a red and black zebra print on it with a matching tablet. I get my backpack and head to the hair supplies. After picking up the hair ties and a new brush, I grab a few odd accessories.

While walking through one of