The Freaky Farts of Mister Schumm

By Jorrit Smink

Paul Schumm is a bitter middle school teacher. He gets his happiness out of giving bad grades to children and he loves to send them to the principal for being too late. He even punishes them when they are too early.
When he gets fired however, he discovers he has a special talent. He is able to produce the worst farts ever and as soon as he figures out how to catch his own farts in little fart bags, he start to use them as fart bombs.
His hometown New Liechtenstein gets bombarded with mysterious gases. The police have no idea where to look and blame young William Stevens.
While mister Schumm then starts to work on his biggest piece of (f)art, 10-year-old William has to figure out who is really behind the fart bombs. He doesn ́t have much time though... the police, the president and a mysterious mister Berry are on him. If he cannot solve the stinky business in time, he will be in jail forever!

PRESIDENTIAL MESSAGE
The president wishes to state that he thinks this is a stupid book, written by a stupid author, that the book is not based on a real story, that he has never spoken to Mister Schumm about the fart bombs, especially not on Wednesday mornings at eleven and he furthermore wishes to deny that Mister Berry ever existed, that he doesn ́t like ice cream and that therefore this book cannot be printed without this presidential message.

The Freaky Farts of Mister Schumm won the International Indecent Book Award of 2012 and is the favorite choice of fired and crazy teachers!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jorrit Smink
• Release date: Dec 4, 2012
• ISBN: 9789563515909

Jorrit Smink

Jorrit Smink (1976) was born in Amsterdam and worked there as a soccer coach and sports journalist. He wrote two books about Ajax Amsterdam: Staanplaats (2003) and Ajax Training Session (2004). Smink lived for two years in the USA, but moved to Chile in 2006. He became a professional soccer coach and wrote a book about the South American soccer jungle: Dromen, Pesos en Spelersvrouwen (2009). Inspired by his daughter Emily he completed his first book for children in november 2012: The freaky farts of Mister Schumm. Besides writing, Smink currently works at his own sports management agency.

Book preview

The Freaky Farts of Mister Schumm

By Jorrit JF Smink

Copyright 2012 Jorrit JF Smink

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Requests for permission to make copies of any part of the work should be mailed to: Jorrit Smink, [e-mail]

ISBN 978-956-351-590-9

Winner of the

International Indecent Book Award

2012

Illustrations by Andrés Isaac Machuca

Cover Design and Layout by Juan Simon Valdebenito B.

Electronic Adaptation by www.StunningBooks.com

The number one choice of crazy and fired teachers!

Dedication

This book is based on a true story and dedicated to all victims of Schumm. It could not have been made without the superb help of Olivia Schalekamp, Daniel Boyle, Siebrand van der Ploeg, Alejandra Diaz, Natalia Perovich and my mum. Thank you for reading, commenting, improving and most of all: not putting me in a mental hospital.

Table of Contents

1. The teacher fart

2. Mister Paul Schumm

3. Mister Schumm´s marriage

4. Mister Schumm gets fired

5. The nine o´clock news

6. How mister Schumm´s first plan failed

7. The cleaning ladies

8. How to catch a fart

9. Fartlandia

10. Back in the elevator

11. William Stevens

12. An (un)lucky bird

13. Sneaky mister Schumm

14. William Stevens in the nine o´clock news

15. Revenge on the mailman

16. An (un)lucky bird, Part II

17. Police involvement

18. Town Festival

19. The biggest piece of (f)art ever

20. Men with masks

21. The President´s stinky business

22. The (un)fortunate bird, Part III

23. Smelling victory

24. Blackout at mister Schumm´s

25. A shocking surprise

26. The nine o´clock news interview

27. The End

Presidential Message

About the Author

1. The teacher fart

(What you should know before reading the book…)

Did you ever hear someone fart incredibly loud? Most likely. Especially if you have an annoying little brother you probably had that experience. But hey, those farts are not the worst. People normally really overreact on those farts, but at the end it is always more noise than smell. What you should really watch out for, are the farts you don’t hear.

Those are the farts nobody notices until suddenly everybody in the room is coughing or almost puking. Teachers are extremely good at doing that. They are trained specialists! At university, where people can become a teacher, they learn how to produce a silent fart. That is very important to teachers. Think of it, you would not take your teacher seriously anymore if he or she suddenly produces a loud fart. You would lose all respect for the teacher. If your teacher would then be talking about mathematics or whatever, you would still be thinking of the fart. And that is why teachers have to learn how to produce silent farts.

The bad thing is that experienced teachers are so good in doing it, that they can do it silently near annoying children. They can trick bad children who do not behave. They just wait for the right moment, pretend they help the kid in front of the annoying kid and pssssjjt. Without hearing the teacher farts right in the face of the classmate that was misbehaving. That boy (lets be honest, it is always boys that misbehave) will have the hardest time to breathe. Because remember, these silent farts are the most horrible!

And just when the boy thinks the air is clean again… PSSSSJJSSTTT, the teacher strikes again! This time, the teacher makes a show