A Woman So Small

By Amy Denise

Life is not always what we want it to be, and it isn't always fair. Buddy and Darlene find each other as teenagers, quickly fall in love and start their fairy tale life together. It isn't until their second daughter, Jill finds love that they are all forced to realize that not all good things stay good, or last forever. Love, promises, devotion.....you're lucky if you get to truly experience them.....not so lucky if they are all taken with no promise of a return. When Jill is forced to face herself and her decisions, she is also presented with the judgments that are so easily placed on those who are least equipped to handle them. The only thing left to do is to go on....maybe not gracefully; certainly not easily.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amy Denise
• Release date: Aug 19, 2012
• ISBN: 9781105633942

Amy Denise

Born in Kansas City and transplanted to Arkansas at the age of 13, my life has been anything but dull. I'm having a great time writing, and plan to write a lot more.

Book preview

PREFACE

I always knew I was quite different from other people. I understood the obvious reasons for it, like my hideous bifocal glasses, my crooked teeth, and the fact that I had experienced several very adult situations early in my childhood. As I grew up and made friends and they became aware of what my life had been, they would always say things like Wow! But you’re so normal! I didn’t think that the events of my life were that impressive, because they had been my life. To me, it was no big deal. Then I started to think about how interesting these events were to everyone else around me, and by the time I was in my early teens, I made a plan to write a book about my life. It wasn’t until after I made this plan that I started to discover all of the other good reasons I had for writing it.

One of those reasons was that because my dad had died when I was so little and I had no real memories of him, I had always completely relied on others who did get to know him to tell me about him. This came with a wide range of opinions. It’s amazing how differently people can see the same person. I’ve learned that people are who others want them to be. For my mom, my dad was her true love. He was the one she had waited her whole life for. My dad gave her the green light to be who she was without criticizing her for it. Although my dad had made his fair share of mistakes, Momma never focused too much on the imperfect part of him. The main thing my Momma always wanted me to know about my dad was that he loved me and my brother with all of his heart, and that he wanted very much to live—he loved life, she would say.

My dad’s family only wanted to make my father a saint. I appreciated the sentiment in their feelings, but when I asked about him, I wanted to know facts, not opinions. All that my dad’s family ever said to me about him was that he was a great man who didn’t deserve to die so young.

My mom’s family would respond to my questions in the same way my mom always did—he was very loving and didn’t want to die. Of course, my grandpa would sometimes say, Well, he didn’t like to work very much, but he did like to have fun. Momma always made sure to emphasize that Grandpa loved my dad very much, but Grandpa expected people to work and to earn their way. I agree, Grandpa, I agree.

So I decided that I didn’t want my future kid(s) to ever have to wonder about me, the life I led, experiences I had, my beliefs, or why I was the way I was—in other words, why people would say what they would say about me—just in case I too died when they were too little to really know and remember me. To have the opportunity to know your parents is to have the opportunity to truly know yourself. I know that there are things in me that I may never fully understand because I didn’t get the chance to know my dad. That is something I couldn’t risk happening to my kiddo. I would make sure that my son knew who I was and what I thought of my life. What better way to ensure that would happen than to write a book about it? This way he would have my words to refer to; he wouldn’t ever have to depend on asking people who knew me. I’d give just about anything to have one thing from my dad that was in his words to tell me about him. I’ve spent so much time contemplating what he would want me to know and what he would want others to tell me on his behalf.

What you have here is the result of years and years of thought and preparation for what would need to be said, and how it would need to be written. These are my words—this is my and my family’s story. I’m so thankful to have been given the opportunity to see it come to life, and to share it with the ones who mean so much to me.

BUDDY AND DARLENE

As she fell against the wall of the church, all Darlene could think of was that this would soon be over. She caught sight of her mother coming for her again, in her usual drunken rage. Darlene tried to stand on her feet before her mother reached her again, but she was dazed from the last blow, which seated itself perfectly along the side of her head, as they always did. How could a drunken person have such perfect aim all the time? Before she could clear her vision, her mother was on her, more furious than ever.

What the hell do you think you’re going to do with this boy, huh? What makes you think he’ll want you tomorrow or the next day? she said, as her fist fell onto Darlene’s nose, making it a bloody mess.

Darlene quickly put her hands up to her face to keep the blood from dripping onto the simple white wedding dress that she had worked very hard to make for herself. Struck again. Before she knew it, she was back on the floor, and this time her eye felt like it would come out of its socket. Why was her mother doing this to her? Why now, why here? Wasn’t this what her mother had always wanted—to have her out of the house and on her own?

Please, Mom, stop, Darlene said in a soft tone. Her back was against the wall of the bridal room as she scrambled again to get to her feet. Buddy will be here soon, and you know he’ll be angry about what you’ve done to me on my wedding day.

Darlene had tried before to reason with her mother when she beat her. It was all she could think of to do when her mother got so ferocious with fury that was always directed at her and not her brother. Suddenly her mother let out a shriek, but was held back by someone from behind … Buddy.

Darlene tried to make eye contact with her husband-to-be to try to let him know that she was all right, to remind him that this was normal for her. Her mother suddenly spun around and managed to knock Buddy off balance just enough to make him lose his hold on her. She reached a wobbly arm up to strike him across the face, but Buddy blocked it with his hand. A look of pure shock came over her mother’s face. How dare he defend himself against her!

You two deserve each other was all her mother could get out. With one last glance at her daughter’s bloody face and swollen eye, she straightened her dress and left the room, almost pleased with what she had done.

Before her tears could leave her blue eyes, Buddy was holding her close to him, getting his handkerchief ready to wipe away the blood that seeped from her small nose.

I promise, this will never happen to you again. For as long as I live, no one will hurt you. You are my life; you will never hurt again. Buddy’s big brown eyes were wide and resolute as he spoke these words. The gentle touch of his hands on her face made the pain go away.

Darlene looked into Buddy’s eyes, and she knew that he meant every word he had just spoken to her. She had never felt so safe, so cared for as she did when she was in his presence. Buddy was everything she had ever hoped for and more. How she got lucky enough to have such a savior, she didn’t know; what she did know was that he would be hers forever—she belonged to him now.

You look beautiful, honey, Buddy said as he finished wiping the blood from her nose. Darlene didn’t feel beautiful, but believed Buddy when he said it.

Buddy took his love’s tiny hand in his and walked her proudly to the altar. Even though her nose was still stained red and her eye was turning a rather vibrant shade of purple, Darlene managed to smile through the pictures and guests that followed the ceremony.

Their wedding was not grand by any means. Buddy, only seventeen, and Darlene, just sixteen, could not afford to pay for any of the wedding. Buddy’s parents had been gracious enough to pull together the money to pay for the church and minister. Buddy’s mother, Lillie, was quite a seamstress and had plenty of material for Darlene to use to make her dress. Buddy’s older sister, Jane, had agreed to make a simple cake for the couple.

Buddy wore his Sunday suit and tie. All in all, the wedding was more than the two of them would have ever asked for. They would have been happy to go to the courthouse and let the judge marry them, but Buddy’s father wouldn’t have it. Buddy’s father was a very large man who you would expect to look scary simply because of his massive size. Instead, he was a gentle giant. His heart was as big as his presence. He and Darlene had gotten very close, very quickly. Just as Buddy wanted to save her from her awful mother, her new father-in-law wanted the same. Neither of the men could fathom how someone so lovely could be beaten so badly with no cause. The only explanation they could determine was that Mrs. Waters was a hopeless alcoholic. How else could she be so blind to how wonderful her daughter was? How else could she ever bring herself to do the things she did to her?

Well, I guess we did it, Darlene said to her new husband as they walked away from the altar, arm in arm, as husband and wife.

Yes, we did, Mrs. Jennison, Buddy said, his eyes full of love and devotion for his new bride.

When the short reception ended, Buddy and Darlene rode back to Buddy’s parents’ home in his father’s car. With his father at the wheel and his mother in the front seat, Buddy couldn’t help but think that he should be driving his wife home to start their new life together. As he glanced over at Darlene, he made a silent promise to her that someday soon they would have their own car that he would drive her home in.

The little blue house at the top of the hill looked very different to Buddy now that he was married. Although Darlene had spent many Sundays there with his family, it felt so strange to be going there with her as his wife. His parents’ home had always been warm and comfortable. Buddy had lived there for as long as he could remember, with his sister and two younger brothers. The three-bedroom house would be crowded for a while with the addition of Darlene. Buddy’s sister, Jane, had been married for a year already and no longer lived at home. When Jane had left the house, Buddy was given her room since he was the next-oldest child still at home. His two younger brothers shared the other bedroom.

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

Buddy had spent the better part of the two weeks leading up to the wedding preparing his room for his new bride. He wanted it to feel like home to her, even though this small room was in no way the kind of home he planned to give her later on. As he worked in the room, he kept thinking of the first day he noticed her at school.

It had been January, and the snow was thick all over Kansas City. Buddy walked into the school building and saw her—she was tiny, and each of her features was miniature. She looked like she would fall over if a strong wind blew. He wondered why he had never seen her before—surely he would have noticed her— and he figured she must be new. As he stared in spite of himself, he noticed that her eyes had dark circles around them. A closer look revealed that they were bruises. He wondered how she could have gotten them, and then thought again about his original impression of her—she was so fragile.

Since she was standing alone, he went up to her and introduced himself. He noticed then that her eyes were a beautiful shade of blue that seemed to complement her light brown hair perfectly. The features of her face were soft and beautiful. Buddy again caught himself staring at her as he spoke.

Hello, my name is Buddy Jennison, he said.

She looked up at him, obviously trying to hide her eyes, and said, Hi, my name is Darlene.

Are you new here? he asked.

Yes was all she replied; her face turned away from his stare.

The bell rang and they parted to go to class. Buddy didn’t have any classes with her. He decided that he would have to make more attempts to talk to her before and after school. When school let out, Buddy spotted Darlene as she made her way out of the building. He hurried to catch up to her, trying not to look like he was rushing. She walked quickly.

Darlene, wait up, he called.

She turned and looked at him with an almost-worried glance. I have to get home, she said, her voice flat.

I just wanted to see how your first day went, he said.

It was fine. I really have to go, she said, not looking at him.

I’ll see you tomorrow then, Buddy replied with hope in his voice, and she was gone.

That night he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Why was she so closed off? He had never met anyone who acted that way. He wondered if anyone else at school had noticed her behavior and her blackened eyes.

The next day came quickly, and Buddy hurried out the door to school. His mother had set his plate down at the kitchen table just as he rushed through and stopped only to give her a quick kiss on the cheek before he ran out the door. It was not like Buddy to skip out on his mom’s eggs and bacon. Lillie smiled to herself, hopeful that her son’s lack of desire for her breakfast might have something to do with a girl.

Buddy wanted to get to school early so that he could watch for Darlene to arrive. He stood just off the front stairs of the school, because he knew she would have to come in that way. When he saw her coming, his breath caught in his throat. When she got closer to him, he called out to her: Darlene, good morning!

She was startled by his voice, and tried climb the stairs without noticing him. As she passed by him, he noticed her lower lip was cut. The cut looked fresh. She passed him quickly without a glance in his direction.

Throughout the day Buddy had trouble concentrating. All he could think of was her. First her eyes, now her lip. What was going on? He had to find out. Buddy couldn’t stand the thought of someone hurting Darlene. He couldn’t figure out why his feelings were so strong. Buddy had never noticed a girl in this way before. After all, he didn’t even know her; but still, there was something about her that drew him in.

After school, he saw Darlene leaving, and this time he ran to catch up to her. He had to get some answers; he had to get to know this girl. Darlene, please wait, I really need to talk to you, he said, a little out of breath.

She turned quickly to face him, and said, What? What do you want from me? Everyone else here seems to understand just fine that I want to be left alone. Why can’t you?

Buddy was shocked. What had he done to her that was so terrible? He only wanted to make sure that she was all right. I just wondered how your lip got cut, that’s all. I’m not trying to be nosy; I just want to know that you are all right.

Buddy’s voice was full of concern, and it made Darlene soften a little. She wasn’t used to anyone worrying about her. It was scary and nice, all at the same time. I’ll be fine as long as you let me get home. Mother doesn’t like me to be late, she said.

Well, can I walk with you? Really, I just want to make sure you’re all right, he assured her.

Fine, she said, and started walking quickly to her house.

Buddy tried to make conversation with her, asking her where she had moved from and what her father did for a living, but all of her answers were vague, like she was used to being asked and knew how she needed to answer.

When they got to her house, Darlene turned to tell him good-bye and, without waiting for his response, walked into the house and shut the door. Buddy waited for a moment, again shocked by her blunt behavior. He heard a woman’s voice shout Darlene’s name angrily, and then heard a door slam. Suddenly he found himself wondering if this was where all of her troubles were, in the house with her mother. Walking slowly from the house, he made the decision to get to the bottom of Darlene’s story the next day at school. He knew something was wrong, very wrong.

SECRETS

The next morning, Buddy met Darlene at the bottom of the steps in front of the school. She wasn’t at all surprised to see him there. She knew he would be there. She hoped he would be there. He looked at her with serious eyes. Buddy wasn’t enthusiastic to see Darlene today. He had an agenda, and it wouldn’t be fun for either of them.

Hi, Buddy. Darlene addressed him with caution. She could tell he was not in the mood for her usual behavior. I want to thank you for walking me home yesterday. I’m sorry I was so cross about it. She tried to smile, but it didn’t convince her, let alone him.

What happens to you at home, Darlene? You come to school with black eyes and cut lips, you stay away from everyone, and when someone asks you simple questions about yourself, you refuse to give a straight answer.

Defiance began to grow in Darlene. Her stance once again became stiff and rigid. Well, you’re the only one who seems to be so interested in the condition of my face and what goes on at home. You have no idea what my life is like, and I don’t see any good coming of you knowing, either. Why don’t you just focus on your own life and stay out of mine? Her look was stern and Buddy was almost afraid of her. Darlene stared at him for what seemed like an eternity, her eyes piercing him.

In an instant, the conviction he had yesterday afternoon as he left her house disappeared. Buddy didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to anger Darlene more and have to stay away from her. I’d like to walk you home again today, if you don’t mind. I’m not trying to be rude, Darlene, I just want to get to know you better, that’s all. I’m sorry for upsetting you. I won’t do it again.

Her eyes looked away and she gave a sigh that told him she couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t getting her message. You can walk with me if you want. Just don’t ask me any more questions.

Knowing he wouldn’t keep this promise, he looked out into the courtyard and gave an unconvincing All right.

Buddy was nervous all day. School didn’t matter right now. He tried to figure out how he could get Darlene to