Freedom Beer

By Greg X. Graves

From the author of the jaw-breakingly funny Bears, Recycling and Confusing Time Paradoxes comes a brand new action-packed comedy...

Hank Rockjaw has pursued evildoers around the globe, from the glacial majesty of the Swiss Alps to the enigmatic jungles of Papua New Guinea. But his latest and possibly greatest threat has arrived: a mysterious competitor who has been reverse engineering Rockjaw Brewery recipes.

Hank’s home is soon under assault from assassins while he must protect the only person who can help him: a beautiful yet deadly cat burglar, hired by the very man that seeks to ruin Hank.

Together they cross the American Southwest in pursuit of the truth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: 1889 Labs
• Release date: Apr 16, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301147014

Greg X. Graves

Greg X Graves is a young, angry man who is full of ideas. He’s a rebel, baby. You can’t take him home to Mom and Dad, because he’ll probably just start railing against the Man and his stupid Establishment, and your parents will just be like “Whoa, Daughter, no way are you dating this hooligan,” and it’ll just be a whole big scene, and Greg’ll just be like “Whatever, toots,” and ride away on his bitchin’ hog and then everyone will be sorry. Except Greg, because he’s never sorry. Once, when he was nine, he accidently dropped some ice cream on the floor and didn’t apologize. He was just like “Whatever, toots,” and rode away on his bitchin’ hog.

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Freedom Beer

By Greg X. Graves

Copyright © 2012 Greg X. Graves

Published by 1889 Labs at Smashwords

ISBN 978-1-301147-01-4

Editor: Terra Whiteman

Editor-in-Chief: AM Harte

Book design: Tim Sevenhuysen

Cover art design: MCM

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Canada License. To view a copy of this licence, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.5/ca/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California 94105, USA.

Published by 1889 Labs Ltd.

Visit our website (http://1889.ca) for the best strange fiction conceivable by the human brain.

http://1889.ca

To Mary Elizabeth

Also by Greg X. Graves

Codex Nekromantia

Shaun of the Dead meets Hitchhiker’s Guide. Life, love, necromancy, the fragile human condition when caught between the jaws of a very robust human condition, and wholesale zombie slaughter.

"Like putting on a crazy costume for Halloween - it’s supposed to be fun, not realistic. If you like action and comedy and aren’t easily squicked out, this zombie novel could be a great one for you."

—Amazon Reviewer

Bears, Recycling and Confusing Time Paradoxes: An Anthology of the Guide to Moral Living in Examples

The Guide to Moral Living in Examples educates on many common moral conundrums, offering bite-sized advice for nearly every improbable situation.

"Greg X. Graves has compiled a set of short stories that is nothing less than confusing and brilliant at the same time. Think of it as an utterly random, tongue in cheek, tribute to the fables of old."

—Hopelessly Devoted Bibliophile

Freedom Beer

By Greg X. Graves

Chapter 1

Thank you very much, Mr. Rockjaw! Estelle said.

Hank's spine curved like a longbow. A dozen cases of beer weighed down his arms. He lumbered from the truck, down the ramp, through the backroom, up the aisle and finally slung them onto the floor.

You're welcome. Hank wiped his brow.

You're truly a lifesaver, young man! My stockboy Warren threw out his back. How, I don't know!

It's a mystery, Hank said.

And how could I have unloaded the shipment by myself?

I don't know.

You're quite the honorable fellow. Did you know that you're the only person in town who was available?

Hank glanced into the back of the truck. It was pregnant with beer even though he was the one in labor. Everybody in town loved Estelle. Just a little less than they loved their lower cervical vertebrae.

I asked everybody. They all knew that I needed help, but you were the only one to show! You're a gentleman. Always willing to help out somebody in need.

A lot of this beer comes from my own brewery. Consider it family pride.

Estelle beamed. She obviously approved of family pride, especially when it provided her with a fresh, uncracked spine. Hank took this momentary pause as his cue to slip into the back room. Once he was out of sight he slowed to a saunter, plucked a beer out of a box, and took a seat. He cracked the beer and took a swig.

Rockjaw Brewery makes some tasty beer, Hank thought. This Trappist Ale is almost as good as last year's batch. Those laconic monks sure know their beer.

He wiped his brow, drained the beer, and grabbed another one from the box. That's when he looked at the label.

Saint Secaire Brewery?

He smacked his lips.

It tastes almost exactly like Rockjaw's Lockjaw Trappist Ale!

Hank scrutinized the label. The taste wasn't the only ripoff. The label looked identical to the one adorning Rockjaw's Lockjaw Trappist Ale. Nearly identical. The printer for Saint Secaire had obviously used higher-quality inks on nicer paper stock.

I didn't sign off on the fancy paper! Hank said. Rockjaw beer has always been sold on taste, dammit! You can't drink a pretty picture!

A commotion at the front of the store derailed his train of thought. Hank crept up to the doorway and listened.

Yes, all of your money! I want everything that's in that fucking register! Put it in the bag and also give me a nip of Goldschlager! No, two! Hell, make it three!

Okay, young man, there's no need to swear, Estelle said. You'll get your money. Only you're very lucky that Warren isn't here. He has quite a poor opinion of common thieves.

I knew that he wouldn't be here.

How?

You went around the whole town and asked for help to unload your beer shipment because Warren hurt himself!

Hank had heard enough. Despite his massive shoulders, thick torso and all-around sturdy build, he could move very quietly when he wanted to.

But this wasn't one of those times.

Hank charged out of the back room.

The robber froze. In one hand he held a bag of money. In the other, a knife. He brought it towards Hank in a symbolic gesture, two combatants exchanging formalities before the