Eye Candy

By Wayne C. Long

American short story writer Wayne C. Long proudly presents his fourth ebook containing fourteen short stories for your reading pleasure. Part of the extensive LongShortStories Collection, these powerful pieces range from the spiritual to the satirical, the humorous to the dark underbelly of the human condition. You wowed at his breakout "Stories from the Edges," delighted in his "Flash In The Hand," and were left forever changed by his evocative "Slow Dancing." Now enjoy fourteen more amazing works from this gifted Wisconsin storyteller. Feed your need for "Eye Candy."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wayne C. Long
• Release date: Mar 2, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466030220

Wayne C. Long

Wayne C. Long is an unusually gifted electronic short story teller. His love for and mastery of this delicious and powerful art form puts him right up there with the best! Having written all his life, whether as a copy writer in the business world or as a writer of edgy short fiction in the digital world, he does one thing particularly well: he mines the edges of human experience for those powerful ideas that no one is tapping into. He visualizes onto the page what other writers overlook, using his cinematically-trained mind’s eye. He distills down the creative essence of the short story, to where less is more. Wayne’s work has appeared in QST magazine where its international readership voted to honor him with the coveted QST Cover Plaque Award two years in a row. He has also written for the Wisconsin Writers’ Journal and is known throughout the blogosphere. For over six years now, his website LongShortStories has been his writing home. There, he offers two free sample stories. On the pages of his blog at www.LongShortStories.com/wayne/, he teaches and engages readers in the art of short story writing. Wayne C. Long is a graduate of Northern Illinois University and his wife, Diane is also an N.I.U. graduate. They recently built a home on a hill overlooking the headwaters of the Milwaukee River as it meanders into a charming century-old millpond occupied by hundreds of Canada geese. Wayne and Diane are proud of their two married children (a daughter and a son), one very special granddaughter and a brand-new grandson.

Book preview

Eye Candy

by

Wayne C. Long

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 Wayne C. Long

Cover image Copyright Serg Zastavkin - Fotolia.com

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

The Jesus Show

Career Day

Fatty and the ‘F’ Word

The Tent

School Days

Lance

Until Seventy Times Seven

Road Train

Acts of God

Homo Phones

Mother’s Day

Off Off Off

Up North

Out of the Blue

THE JESUS SHOW

And now, heeere’s Jesus!

That was the way I always introduced him to crowds. Me, I’m John the Baptist. The Boss hired me because I was his cousin.

***

He and I have been preparing for this big network premiere for many years. He is ready now. The buzz out there is amazing.

The hills of Galilee provide the perfect outdoor venue for the show. The roadies have erected the stage so that it has the sea as its backdrop. And the camera cranes will be able to capture all the nuances of the crowd, which we expect to be in the multitudes, and will show forever to doubters and our chief detractor that this is a man not to be tangled with.

And yet, Cousin Jesus has a wicked sense of humor. I remember the time we were swimming and he began laughing at me hysterically.

Are you glad to see me, John?

Of course, dear cousin. I am very glad to see you!

And then he pointed his index finger at the bulge in my crotch and proceeded to nonchalantly pull a writhing fish from my soaking trousers and toss it over his shoulder, all the while guffawing at my expense.

I’ll get you … you … son of a virgin!

And then we bowed over with laughter like two drunks after Passover.

He can be a tough cookie, my cousin.

I remember he once reamed a guy out with a scathing retort. Something in response to being called a lowly carpenter’s son instead of a Sadducee. Or was it a Pharisee. I’m a bit cloudy on the exact words but one thing stands out like the brightness of the sun is that Jesus gave him that look that cut the man down like one of God’s own swords.

He’s that good.

And quick-minded.

So when the network sent a messenger to him, requesting a meeting, he already knew that it was Showtime. Little did they know that the Nielsen ratings for the upcoming pilot would exceed all their wildest expectations for a nighttime talk show. We’re talking about legacy television here.

***

We’re inside the satellite control van parked outside the outdoor venue where The Jesus Show will air live on network TV tonight and a million things are getting last-minute attention.

"Mike check!

Check!

Check!

How’s the low range, David?" spoke someone to a gesticulating person on the far-away stage.

Camera 4, give me a head shot of Jesus for focus pull! rang out another.

Can we have the intro choir on-stage now? Places, everyone! was heard from one of the monitor speakers outside.

This Jesus extravaganza was really going to be something. I had inked the contract with our prime sponsor, Faith Fisheries, not more than two days ago and was breathing a momentary sigh of relief.

Tonight’s weather forecast called for starry skies and mild temps in the 70s. Thank goodness that low coming in from the West would hold off until the day after tomorrow.

***

Cousin, you look great! I said to Jesus, fresh from Makeup.

You’re gonna make some gal a wonderful husband some day!

To which the J-man replied:

Oh ye of too much faith, get thee to a nunnery! and we both burst out laughing in a tension-breaking moment.

He had been presented with a new white robe made of the finest linen by one of his female followers over near Jerusalem. It had just arrived by camel train. She was a friend of his dad and mom, my Uncle Joe and Aunt Mary.

Man, this Man of the Hour certainly looked the part.

Commanding.

Well-spoken.

Charismatic and yet highly approachable by the common men and women throughout the area.

And soon, he would take his rightful place on the stage upon a comfortable couch and receive his guests with that gentle glint in his eye that bears the mark of his heavenly Father.

The rest of the Twelve and I, John, would gather for a quick supper with our Master at a local restaurant at dusk, to dine and pray for a successful event.

Peter, of course.

Andy and the two Jims would be there.

Phil, Bart, and Matt,

Tommy, Tad, Simon.

And lastly, Judas.

They’d all have front-row seats and hopefully none would bring up that bit about sitting on his right side. He loved us all equally and we him. Before we all left the restaurant, we would wash his feet and then each other’s and then I would have the honor of anointing his hair with oil, making it shine like the sun, giving him that halo effect that everyone loved.

***

I looked at my watch and noticed that it was about sixty minutes to air. We all made our way back to the natural bowl in the Galilean hillside as a full moon shown brightly out over the hills and the sparkling sea beyond. The Master asked to be alone with his thoughts.

There was electricity in the air, as the roadies made last-minute adjustments to the stage and the lighting. Outside the venue, manned searchlights panned across the night sky, beckoning the faithful and, yes, the faithless, to come and see. This would be a night to remember!

***

I stood nervously offstage and scanned my notes for the order of appearances and made sure that everyone knew their marks. Putting on a big production like this required the patience of Job and organizational ability of Moses. I prayed that I was up for it.

And then in my earpiece came the director’s steady voice from his big chair in front of the bank of monitors and control sliders out in the van.

Hebron Feed, we have you locked in, thank you! he ran down the list.

Jerusalem, standby for my mark!

Tzfat, can you tighten that audience feedback channel a bit, please?

Tiberias, you are go in fifteen seconds!

"Galilee Central, please synchronize your timer with me, NOW:

Ten,

Nine,

Eight,

Seven,

Six,

Five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One!

Camera 1, cue John!"

I step out onto the floodlit stage all adorned in greenery and palm trees and smile into the lens of Camera 1 as we lit up the screens of every household in the Holy Land.

Applause signs flash and the audience comes to its feet in glorious expectation. The choir I hired called The Heavenly Host raises its voice in song, singing Hosannas and Alleluias in a magnificent crescendo that ends with a flourish of cornets, harps and awesome percussion.

It’s Showtime!

"Greetings, friends, and welcome to the first airing of The Jesus Show! I’m John the Baptist, your host of tonight’s show. We have a terrific lineup for you this evening!

The music of the Sackbut Five!

The high jinks of comedian Tambor!

Famous Greek actor Perseus of Marathon!

Zebulon and his famous zoo animals!

And a fabulous skit by The Amazing Zandi!

Annnnd now, heeere’s …

JESUS!"

A deafening applause went up from the hills of Galilee, echoing off of the mountains and reverberating out of the wadis, grottos and across the fertile plains of Caesarea Philippi.

He is come!

***

Out from the wings strode the saintly Jesus, adorned in flowing robes bound with a single golden rope at his waist, a gift from us Twelve. On his feet, sandals.

Acknowledging the applause and standing ovation of the multitude, my cousin waves and bows and proceeds to take his seat on the couch.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for coming tonight! We are broadcasting live to the known world by satellite and wish everyone out there a good evening!

The crane camera zoomed in for a close-up of his face leaning over toward me and saying:

Johnny, you look splendid this evening! Got any fish stories to regale us with?

I blushed, knowing full well what he was referring to.

Sheepishly, I blurted …

We’ve just fed the multitude with five loaves and two fishes, Master. Pretty good work there by our concessionaires, wouldn’t you say?

To which he replied …

Right you are, John the Baptist! Say, did you bring your water tonight? I could use a good dunking. These lights are killing me!

To which the crowd erupted in laughter.

***

The evening was going exceedingly well and the audience was in a great mood, enjoying the acts as they bounded on stage and then sat by him as he engaged them in delightful banter. In the back of my mind, I hoped that the focus