Cannibal Victims Speak Out! And other astonishing press cuttings

By Mat Coward

A hilarious collection of misprints, double entendres, crazy headlines, bloopers and other amazing press cuttings, from the author of the popular @MatsHeadlines Twitter feed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mat Coward
• Release date: Nov 4, 2011
• ISBN: 9780955868634

Mat Coward

Mat Coward is a British writer of crime fiction, SF, humour and children's fiction. He is also gardening columnist on the Morning Star newspaper. His short stories have been nominated for the Edgar and shortlisted for the Dagger, published on four continents, translated into several languages, and broadcast on BBC Radio. Over the years he has also published novels, books about radio comedy, and collections of funny press cuttings, and written columns for dozens of magazines and newspapers.

Book preview

CANNIBAL VICTIMS SPEAK OUT!

And other astonishing press cuttings

by Mat Coward

Published by Alia Mondo Press at Smashwords

Copyright 2011 Mat Coward

This ebook is licensed for your personal use only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please buy an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not buy it, or it was not bought for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and buy your own copy.

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Table of contents

Ontrodiction

Danger! Genius At Work

The Commercial Break

Cruel And Unusual

Oh, Really?

Literally? I Don't Think So

Of Cabbages And Things

Shirley Thut Carnt Bee Write?

Excuses, Excuses

Cry Freedom!

Oscar Wilde, Eat Your Heart Out

Quite Right, Too

Would You Care To Rephrase That?

From Beyond The Grave

Too Good To Be True?

Dear Sir, I Am Not Mad, Yours Sincerely …

Yuk!

Huh??

The Record Breakers

Hold Page 2!

Oh Well, That's OK Then

Fair Enough

… And We Apologize For Any Embarrassment Caused

Whaa….???

Really? That's, Er, Very Interesting

Does This Really Sound Likely?

You Don't Say

Stories I Wish I'd Read

Hold The Front Page!

So What Else Is New?

Dear Sir

What's On Next

About The Author

Other Books By Mat Coward

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ONTRODICTION

Ever since human beings learned to talk, they have been saying things they didn't intend to say - often with (to use the phrase immortalized by TV listings magazines) 'hilarious results'. The invention of printing, swiftly followed as it was by the invention of misprints, only made matters worse - and more permanent.

And for almost as long as the printed page has existed, there have been people like me, collecting and collating the mistakes of others - typos, bloopers, double entendres, accidental puns, absurd headlines and bizarre claims - and cruelly drawing attention to them, publicly displaying them for fun and profit. It's a disgrace, really, when you think about it. Still, never mind, eh? Anyway, here it is, Cannibal Victims Speak Out, a colecshun off starnge noosepepper kuttings.

I would, by the way, like to apologize in advance for any errors which may appear in this book; as I'm sure you can appreciate, it's been an absolute bugger to priffrood. -

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DANGER! GENIUS AT WORK

A Thai provincial governor has officially declared war on about 600