Dastardly Double Feature #1

By Matt R. Jones

A living dead-infused double-dose of horror, hilarity, the homeless, and Hugo the big fat zombie that’ll thrill you, chill you, and make you laugh out loud!

First you’ll cackle at Matt R. Jones’ irreverent “I Walked With A Zombie,” gleefully shambling forth from his Hollywood Vampires series!

Lovably loony vampire Stacey spies a fatass zombie – with a pink ball-gag stuffed in his mouth – roaming a suburban L.A. neighborhood on Halloween. Naturally, he decides it’s a GREAT idea to take this zombie (named Hugo) – along with his surly werewolf “stepdaughter” Lupi – out trick-or-treating!

How could you NOT?!

Meanwhile, Stacey’s friends Tommy and Dorian’s pursuit of Hugo’s origins leads them to two idiot high-schoolers armed with too much occult wisdom gleaned from the internet.

This does NOT sit well with old-fashioned vampire professor Tommy... it’s one thing when you raise a zombie – it’s another thing entirely when you’re irresponsible about it!

And then it gets ugly...

In “Tunnel Rats,” our homeless “hero” – a fellow by the name of Bark – faces the death of death in a tale ripped straight from the world of Steve Wands’ nightmarish epic Stay Dead. You’ve seen what happens when cops, soldiers, and everyday joes square off with the undead, but...

What in the hell happens to the homeless?

You’ll find out in gruesome style as Bark and his friend Spotz flee through the tunnels beneath Titan City, facing former friends and associates in their desperate escape from the metropolis’ death-throes. Steve pulls no punches as he shows you the ultimate truth of the zombie uprising...

It doesn’t matter who you are – when the dead walk, we’re ALL screwed.

It’s two for the price of one with Dastardly Double Feature #1 – brought to you straight from the pens and word-processors of two of independent fiction’s rising stars!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Matt R. Jones
• Release date: May 6, 2011

Matt R. Jones

When I first started writing, I caught flack from potential agents and publishers because my stories didn't shamelessly copy Anne Rice -- the hip thing to do in the late 90's and early 2000's -- and nowadays, I'm told to hang it up because I don't write like Stephanie Meyer. The vampire stories I write -- while taking regular forays into dark, bloody territory -- often have more in common with over-the-top action movies like Desperado, or profanely hilarious comedies like Clerks. My characters aren't cardboard cut-outs, either -- they're PEOPLE who happen to be vampires, and as such, they'll act like you or I would in a given situation... and they don't always make the right choices. Nor are they all-knowing, all-powerful... because they're human. I don't grudge any of the other vampire authors out there, either. I love vampire fiction, and Nancy Collins is my personal favorite vampire author! But to tell you the truth... I can't write brooding, gothic prose to save my butt, and angsty teen drama makes me giggle. If I tried to fake it, it would totally suck, so instead I write action-packed vampire yarns full of swearing, tomfoolery, and my own observations about life. I want to make your heart pound with excitement, and I want you to laugh so hard you have to put the book down... Which usually happens when you read "The Thing In Stacey's Garage," found in Sex, Blood, & Rock 'n Roll. I've had people from New Zealand to South Africa to Canada tell me that ridiculous, profanity-laden story brought them to tears of laughter, and it makes my day every time. And really -- how often do you come across vampire fiction that makes you laugh yourself stupid?! So even though the "suits" tell me I'm not good enough, it's YOU that keeps me inspired and keeps me working at this -- I'm not here to make them happy... I want to make YOU happy. So I do it all myself -- screw those guys. Writing the Hollywood Vampires stories -- and a few other projects -- is something I do out of love, not because I'm gonna get rich. I work a full-time "day-job" as a marketing consultant / copywriter, so that's what pays my bills. Now mind you, I'd LOVE to get rich doing writing vampire fiction -- but that's not my primary motivation... I do this stuff because we both love it. Period. Every e-mail, kind word, piece of fan art, or encouragement you send me is worth every hour of work I put into the Hollywood Vampires universe, and I'm hooked.

Book preview

DASTARDLY DOUBLE FEATURE #1

I Walked with a Zombie by Matt R. Jones

Tunnel Rats by Steve Wands

* * * * *

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

Published by:

Matt R. Jones on Smashwords

I Walked With A Zombie

Copyright © 2006 by Matt R. Jones

Tunnel Rats (A Stay Dead short story)

Copyright © 2010 by Steve Wands

Dastardly Double Feature created by Steve Wands, Matt R. Jones, and Bryan Wolford

Cover Design and Layout by Apparatus Revolution

http://www.staydeadrev.com

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

Ladies and gentleman, mutants and monsters, and primates of all evolutionary branches…

Welcome to the inaugural DASTARDLY DOUBLE FEATURE!

We’ve got a wonderful pair of tales to keep you busy, bringing you both gut-busting hilarity and gut-wrenching horror in the form of your favorite walking corpses…

ZOMBIES!

These longtime favorites of double-features the world over are with us in full force tonight, so watch your fingers and toes! First off…

You’ll witness the lighter side of irresponsibly raising the dead in Matt R. Jones’ I Walked With A Zombie, where a fatass zombie named Hugo, a surly young werewolf called Lupi, and a screwball vampire that answers to Stacey go trick-or-treating in an L.A. suburb!

LUNACY!

There’s laughs, swearing, and gleefully pointless slapstick violence aplenty as you’re treated to a comical take not only on the living dead, but on vampires as well…

Though vampire professor Tommy DOES get pretty shitty when he discovers just how a pair of stupid kids actually brought their neighbor back from the dead! But…

Get your smiles and laughs in while you can, folks! Steve Wands’ lean, mean snapshot of an undead armageddon from a decidedly UNIQUE perspective will give you little to chuckle about…

Torn from the blood-soaked world of Stay Dead, Tunnel Rats slams you into the worn shoes of Bark, a down-on-his-luck homeless guy who’s lost everything and is determined to get it all back – until the dead decide they don’t wanna stay dead!

TERROR!

Where their next meal’s coming from ceases to matter to Bark and his friend Spotz as they desperately plunge through the tunnels beneath Titan City – survival trumps all in this white-knuckle blood ‘n guts extravaganza!

Sit back, put your feet up, and grab your favorite libation – just please remember to…

Be considerate of your fellow feature-goers – turn off your cell phones and deposit all children in the proper receptacle.

* * * * *

I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE

A Hollywood Vampires Halloween Adventure

* * * * *

If a zombie can’t get a break on Halloween, when can he?

"Dude, pull over, pull over!"

What? What is it? demanded Tommy, jolted by surprise at the other vampire’s sudden exclamation from the backseat.

For the past several minutes, Stacey had been explaining the intricacies of organized religion’s place in modern America to Lupi – the young werewolf sharing the backseat with him. He’d actually been making a great deal of sense and demonstrating considerable insight into the subject – so much so that Tommy had found himself listening very intently as he’d guided his customized Cadillac ambulance through one of L.A.’s suburbanized areas.

Every now and again, it was possible to not only engage in intelligent conversation with Stacey, but he would make it abundantly clear just how much knowledge and wisdom he’d stored up in his warped brain over the centuries. Tommy always savored those moments – the oddball vampire was genuinely brilliant when he wanted to be.

Unfortunately, those moments didn’t come very often, and when they did, it wasn’t long before Stacey was back to his usual horrible self.

Turn the car around! There was a zombie back there! Hurry up! screeched the black-haired vampire, frantically banging on Tommy’s seat with his hand like an over-stimulated child.

Tommy slowed the car slightly, glancing into the rearview mirrors, trying to catch a glimpse of what Stacey was yammering on about. Considering the sheer number of weird things that went on in Los Angeles, Tommy supposed a zombie wasn’t too unlikely – he’d certainly encountered stranger things than zombies in Hollywood.

But beyond a whole bunch of comfortable-looking houses, well-kept lawns, clean streets, and trick-or-treaters dressed in their Halloween costumes, Tommy couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

In the passenger seat, Dorian was peering out the window behind the car, also looking for Stacey’s zombie. But after a few moments he pulled his head back inside the car and shrugged. Nothing back there but middle-class America, he declared. Stacey howled.

And a zombie, you blind-ass motherfucker! You can’t miss him! He had a pink ball-gag in his mouth! bellowed the irate vampire, at which point Tommy put his foot down on the gas pedal and resumed the car’s original pace. "What are you doing? He’s gonna get away! The vampire hopped up on the Cadillac’s bench backseat and peered out the car’s big rear window. He’s already out of sight! What if he goes and chomps on a kid or something?! We can’t let that happen, you dick! Turn around, asshole!"

Stacey lunged forward between the two front seats, grabbing at the steering wheel, but from long experience, Tommy was ready for him. The dark-blond vampire professor cocked back the hammer of his .38 Special and jammed it directly between Stacey’s eyes, stopping his momentum entirely.

You touch this wheel and I’m going to ventilate your cranium, Tommy growled. The last time you touched my steering wheel, we went through the side of somebody’s house, and I’ve taken steps to ensure it won’t happen again.

Stacey crossed his eyes to get a better look at the .38, and then snorted, causing Dorian and Lupi to exchange worried looks. A battle of wills between Stacey and Tommy usually wasn’t a good thing – things got even worse when firearms were involved. "What? You’re gonna blow my brains out with that popgun? Go ahead and try. The bullet’ll just ricochet – you’re gonna need a .45 to get through my skull, at least."

You’re full of it.

Remember when I got that big crate of old porno mags dropped on my head and I got right back up? That thing weighed well over a hundred pounds, and I took it right on the brainpan. If I can shrug that off, a fucking .38’s not gonna do shit. My head’s the least vulnerable part of my anatomy, you big dummy.

Tommy’s eyes narrowed as he watched Stacey in the rearview mirror, and ground his teeth together at the knowing way the other vampire was grinning at him. Fine, said the professor, and adjusted his aim so the .38 was aimed at Stacey’s crotch.

"Hey! Whoa whoa whoa! shrieked the vampire, scrambling backwards. You don’t wanna do that!"

Don’t touch the wheel!

Then turn the stupid car around so we can get that zombie!

There isn’t any zombie back there! It’s probably just another wino or a homeless S&M freak or something of that nature. Remember the rummy in San Bernardino you thought was a zombie? You caused all that trouble and started those fires over a damned drunk!

He could’ve been a zombie! He was all smelly and kept trying to bite me and couldn’t talk right or anything!

He was a homeless Russian immigrant – he didn’t know any English! snarled Tommy. And he kept trying to bite you because you were manhandling him!

Yeah, well… if he’s not willing to speak the language, he should get the fuck out of the country and stop impersonating zombies, grunted the irritated vampire. Speaking of which, turn the car around!

I most certainly will not! snapped Tommy, who then sped up just to piss the other vampire off.

Stacey, however, didn’t give up easily. Fine then. If you’re gonna be like that, I’ll just go take care of that flesh-eating asshole myself, ball-gag and all. Give the gyppo my regards when you get there. He turned towards the muscular, dusky-skinned blonde werewolf, who was currently in human form, and gleefully said, C’mon Lupi, you and your Uncle Stacey are gonna go catch a zombie before he can go menace any trick-or-treaters.

If you insist, replied the young werewolf, sounding very skeptical of the whole concept.

Before she’d even finished the sentence, Stacey had already clambered out his open window and dropped into the street, roughly rolling and bouncing with the momentum before springing to his feet and taking off in a dead run back the way they’d came.

Damn, I was hoping he’d land on his head, said Dorian in disappointment.

Tommy looked back at the blonde werewolf, who’d already scooted across the seat and had a shoulder out the window. Hey, you don’t have to go with him just because—

Thank you for the ride – I will see you both later, said Lupi, crawling out the window after Stacey, but with considerably more grace. When she landed on the pavement, she tucked, neatly rolled, and flipped back to her bare feet all in one fluid motion, and she took off down the street even faster than Stacey did.

Wow, look at her go, said Dorian, watching Lupi in the rearview mirror. I can’t believe how fast she can move in those big baggy jeans and loose hip-hop gear she always wears. In the mirror, the werewolf vaulted a hedge and was out of sight. The blond vampire turned to his longtime friend, who was muttering to himself, and said, Well, at least you don’t have to put up with Stacey bugging you for the rest of the drive over to Donita’s.

Tommy shook his head and growled. I’m not sure if letting them go was the best course of action in this situation.

Why not? asked Dorian, leaning back in the passenger seat and resting his arm comfortably on the doorframe. He lowered his black cowboy hat until it was almost over his eyes, and then put his feet up on the dash, relaxed now that Stacey wasn’t around.

We’re going to Donita’s Halloween party, right?

Sure.

Who’s going to be there?

A lot of women. Donita said she was going to make sure and invite a bunch so there’ll be plenty of candy to choose from.

Who else is going to be there?

After a moment of thinking, Dorian replied, Us.

Tommy sighed. I’m glad you never decided to become a criminal investigator.

Dorian lifted his hat and raised an eyebrow at Tommy. What are you getting at?

Brandi’s going to be there.

Yeah, so? She’s at every party Donita throws.

She asked me to retrieve Stacey and Lupi from where she’d left them watching the Halloween parade at the mall, and then bring them to Donita’s. I can’t exactly do that now, since Stacey took Lupi to go zombie-hunting. She didn’t come out and say it when she called me, but I believe Brandi asked me to fetch the two because she thought I would be effective in keeping them out of trouble – or at least Lupi. He gave Dorian a pointed look, and the light dawned in the other vampire’s eyes.

Oh shit.

"Not only that, but it’s also Halloween. The holiday where Stacey acts even more cracked than usual. I’m not so much concerned about him getting in trouble – that’s just a matter of course – but right now he has Lupi with him, and Brandi takes her motherly duties towards the youngster very seriously. I don’t think showing up at Donita’s without Lupi would be a terribly bright idea."

And if you tell her you let Stacey take Lupi out zombie-hunting on Halloween, which sounds absolutely ridiculous when you get right down to it, continued Dorian, looking more uncomfortable by the second, She may not be very appreciative, especially if he and Lupi get arrested. She’d probably be pissed if Lupi ended up on the 10 o’clock news.

I should have shot him in the balls, snarled Tommy, whipping the steering wheel of the big car around, pulling a sharp U-turn that almost took out a fire hydrant. With a roar of its powerful engine, the tank-like black car shot back down the street in pursuit of its two disembarked passengers.

That’s when the police car zipped out from the parking lot of the nearby elementary school, turned on its lights, and made Tommy’s night even less enjoyable.

* * *

Nappy stared at the broken door of the backyard tool shed, smashed outwards and barely hanging on its hinges. The rest of the tool shed wasn’t in great shape, either – the whole structure had practically been demolished.

He scratched his head of curly brown hair in consternation, and looked at Paco – his short Hispanic friend – who was gazing at the door with a mixture of fascination and dread on his normally-blank features.

Paco turned to Nappy and slowly shook his head. He got loose.

"I can see that for myself, gosh! exclaimed Nappy, vehemently kicking at the grass. I told you we should’ve put him down in the basement!"

Now what do we do?

I don’t know! Dang, do I have to think of everything? Gosh!

* * *

I shouldn’t have stopped for that sanctimonious prick, growled Tommy, gripping the steering wheel so tightly the metal audibly creaked. "I can’t believe how long he kept us there! I do not need the standard ‘holiday safety lecture!’ I know what I’m doing, dammit!"

"Well, you were going pretty fast, and there are a lot of kids and parents running around, said Dorian, reading over the ticket the police officer had written for Tommy. He was just afraid you were going to squish somebody and ruin their Halloween."

He should have been able to tell from the way I slalomed around those mini-vans that I’m an outstanding driver! protested the irked professor, who kept moving his head and eyes this way and that, trying to catch sight of either Stacey or Lupi. For as long as he kept us there, those two could be in Bakersfield by now!

Maybe you should calm down a bit, said Dorian, giving his friend a look. You’re getting awfully worked up over this.

Tommy glared at him. "Every time Stacey pulls something like this, I always end up getting blown up, thrown around, set on fire, or shot at, and now I’ve been pulled over simply for trying to be responsible! I have to go to traffic school now, Dorian! Traffic school! I’ve taught classes in Western Civilization to the children of aristocrats and great people the world over, and now I’m going to have to listen to Officer McGruff tell me about the rules of the fucking road! Do you have any idea how damned insulting that is?!"

McGruff’s the crime dog, said Dorian absently, peering out the window at a couple of young women dressed up like very provocative-looking witches as they got into a car.

"What?"

"I said McGruff’s the crime dog. He doesn’t teach traffic school, he just goes around and tells kids to take a bite out of crime and stay away from drugs and stuff like that. Yow. I wonder how wicked that witch is," he said, craning his head to watch one of the witches adjust her knee-high boots.

Tommy gave him a slap, causing him to squawk in protest. What the hell was that for?

Pay attention to the matter at hand, you ignoramus, hissed the professor. We need to find our wayward charges before Stacey initiates some horrific prank or other such nonsense. You can chase cheaply-dressed women around at Donita’s party all you like, but you’re not going to do it when my ass is on the line.

Dorian snorted. "Now you’re being melodramatic. You don’t even know Brandi’s