I AM Standing Up: True Confessions of a Total Freak of Nature

By Luke Lang

Maybe you have days when you don’t feel so good about yourself… You’re not as tall or thin as you’d like, or maybe you don’t quite fit in or you just get left out. Well, you’ll start to feel a lot better about yourself once you start reading about Luke! Luke Lang calls himself a freak of nature. He’s a grown man who is the height of an average fifth grader—but that’s not what makes him a freak. He’s also about as wide as the average Sumo wrestler (but sadly, too uncoordinated to actually compete as a Sumo wrestler!). Luke knows what it’s like to feel left out or left behind. But he’s got a great sense of humor about his life’s misadventures, and he’s sharing the hysterical stories with you, in the hopes that you’ll feel encouraged—not just because you’re not as freaky as Luke, but because you’ll see that God can do extraordinary things through people who are pretty ordinary. While you’re reading Luke’s embarrassing stories, like the time he got beat up by a girl in Karate class or the time he was fighting for his life at Boy Scout camp, you’ll learn a little about God’s love and grace, and you’ll be reminded that you were created on purpose, for a purpose.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Zondervan
• Release date: May 26, 2009
• ISBN: 9780310569619

Luke Lang

Luke Lang has spent much of his life standing out and feeling left out. He's a self-proclaimed "freak of nature" who has spent more than twenty years working with teenagers. Throughout his life, Luke has learned to accept and celebrate his weaknesses as he has come to realize that God can do extraordinary things through extremely ordinary people. He is a cartoonist, a speaker at camps and retreats, and currently volunteers in his church's youth group. Luke is married to Diana, and they live in North Carolina with their daughter Delanie, their two beagles, and Luke's extensive Pez dispenser collection.

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ZONDERVAN

I AM STANDING UP: True Confessions of a Total Freak of Nature

Copyright © 2009 by Luke Lang

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition January 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-56961-9

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

ISBN 978-0-310-28325-6

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, Today’s New International Version™. TNIV®. Copyright 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers printed in this book are offered as a resource to you. These are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Cover design by SharpSeven Design

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DEDICATION

Heavenly Father, every day I experience more of your creativity, grace, and redeeming love. You are truly too wonderful for words. I pray that somehow you would be glorified in my simple story.

For Diana, who had the courage, faith, and humor to see beyond the surface. I love you!

Delanie, you are an amazing young lady. I’m so proud of you, and I’m honored to be your freaky little father.

Really BIG thanks to my family and friends for letting me share their stories as I’ve shared mine.

Thank you to the fine folks at Youth Specialties and Zondervan. You are simply the coolest and most talented group of people on the planet. It has been a blast working with you. Thanks for getting it.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Copyright Page

The Big Intro: My Life...a Real Short Story

Chapter 1: The Birth—and Narrow Escape—of a Freak

Chapter 2: Boy Scout Camp—or My Personal Hell

Chapter 3: Saved by a Wedgie

Chapter 4: Jimmy

Story Time with Uncle Luke: Otis Porkmeyer

Chapter 5: Potty Mouth

Chapter 6: Second-String King

A Mindless Poetry Slam with Uncle Luke

Chapter 7: Training Band?

Chapter 8: The Single Most Important Thing I Ever Learned in English Class

Story Time with Uncle Luke: I Like My Pants

Chapter 9: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

Chapter 10: Blind Date

Chapter 11: The Return of Potty Mouth

Chapter 12: The Peach Cobbler Story

Chapter 13: Chasing Jupiter

Chapter 14: Squirrels and Ducks, Oh My!

Story Time with Uncle Luke: Norbert Knows His Nose

Chapter 15: Black and Blue Angels

Chapter 16: A Rambling Conversation with Myself

Chapter 17: Allow Me to Rant

Chapter 18: Soiling Myself Shogun Style

Story Time with Uncle Luke: Noah and His Amazing Bumps

Chapter 19: Cow Manure and Grace

Chapter 20: That’s It...I’m Putting Myself up for Adoption!

Chapter 21: Twister

Story Time with Uncle Luke: The Thing Under My Bed

Chapter 22: Lessons from Dad

Chapter 23: The Prayer of Saint Pete

Chapter 24: The World’s Shortest Self-Help Book

Chapter 25: The Art of Conformity

Chapter 26: Freak of Nature

Chapter 27: I AM Standing Up!

About the Publisher

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"They will see in our history

the faithful love of the lord."

(psalm 107:43, NLT)

the big intro: My Life...

a Real Short Story

Hi, my name is Luke, and I have a confession to make. (You probably guessed from the cleverly worded subtitle.) Come a little closer. This isn’t easy for me. My deep, very personal confession is—brace yourself; this isn’t pretty—I am a total freak of nature. (I know you probably figured that out...again that clever subtitle thing.)

It’s true. I am a walking, talking, one-man freak show. Let me explain. For starters it’s a genetic thing. I’m five feet, one inch tall. So I’m basically the height of an average fifth grader, but I’m also a chubby little dude, pretty much the width of an average sumo wrestler. It’s an interesting combination. Also, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve lost most of my hair.

Are you getting the picture? I’m basically everything physically undesirable about a man rolled up into one chunky little package. I’m the GQ anti-cover boy. As if that weren’t enough, I’m also blind in one eye, which means I don’t have a whole lot of depth perception. This results in my bumping into things and falling down frequently—which is fun at parties but a pain in real life.

But wait—there’s more. I’m freakishly uncoordinated, and I have an amazing gift for embarrassing myself by saying or doing stupid things. In school I was the classic underachiever. I never really applied myself, and my grades definitely reflected that.

As a result of all of this, my life has been a nonstop series of misadventures and mishaps—many of which you’re about to read. All of these factors combined to make me a social, genetic freak. As I was growing up, I never liked myself. I hated what I looked like. I hated the undeniable fact that I was different than everyone else on the planet. I never fit into any group. I was left out and left behind. The few times I didn’t feel invisible, I wished I was.

Then something happened that forever changed my life. I discovered my purpose and my passion. I never felt the acceptance and significance I craved until I came into a relationship with Jesus Christ. I realized God loves the freak, the geek, and the weak. I’m extremely glad because I’ve been all three. In time I came not only to accept who I am but also to celebrate it. I realized the Creator custom-designed me for the life I have. I’ve been able to reach people and do things I wouldn’t have been able to do if I was normal. God has most used the very things that make my life different.

A passage from the Bible gives my life some clarity. I also want to use these Scriptures as a bit of a backdrop for the stories that follow. The soundtrack for my life is 1 Corinthians 1:26-29, and it reads, Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

If you’ve ever felt like a misfit, an outsider, an underachiever, a loser, or a freak, I’ve got some comforting news for you. You’re not alone. If you read the Bible, you’ll find you’re in pretty good company. The Scriptures are full of misfits and outcasts. It’s one big flock of freaks.

But something has happened in the church during the last few decades. We’ve become obsessed with image. Many Christians present this shiny, prefabricated facade that our lives are perfect. We try to act like once we become Christ followers, all our problems magically disappear. We appear to have perfect lives with perfect families. We have perfect teeth and perfect complexions. Everything is just...perfect.

Not only is this a big ugly lie, but it also keeps people from becoming Christians. Because most people can’t even relate. They know they can’t be perfect like they think we are. Why can’t we just be honest?

The Bible is an amazingly honest book. Its stories include some seriously dysfunctional families and messed-up people, and these are the people God chose to use. God didn’t have to include all of their weirdness in the Bible, but he did