(Not that You Asked): Rants, Exploits, and Obsessions

By Steve Almond

How does Steve Almond get himself into so much trouble? Could it be his incessant moralizing? His generally poor posture? The fact that he was raised by a pack of wolves? Frankly, we haven’t got a clue. What we do know is that Almond has a knack for converting his dustups into essays that are both funny and furious. In (Not that You Asked), he squares off against Sean Hannity on national TV, nearly gets arrested for stealing “Sta-Hard” gel from his local pharmacy, and winds up in Boston, where he quickly enrages the entire population of the Red Sox Nation. Almond is, as they say in Yiddish, a tummler.

Almond on personal grooming: “Why, exactly, did I feel it would be ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’ to have my girlfriend wax my chest? I can offer no good answer to this question today. I could offer no good answer at the time.”
On sports: “To be a fan is to live in a condition of willed helplessness. We are (for the most part) men who sit around and watch other men run and leap and sweat and grapple each other. It is a deeply homoerotic pattern of conduct, often interracial in nature, and essentially humiliating.”
On popular culture: “I have never actually owned a TV, a fact I mention whenever possible, in the hopes that it will make me seem noble and possibly lead to oral sex.”
On his literary hero, Kurt Vonnegut: “His books perform the greatest feat of alchemy known to man: the conversion of grief into laughter by means of courageous imagination.”
On religion: “Every year, when Chanukah season rolled around, my brothers and I would make the suburban pilgrimage to the home of our grandparents, where we would ring in the holiday with a big, juicy Chanukah ham.”

The essays in (Not that You Asked) will make you laugh out loud, or, maybe just as likely, hurl the book across the room. Either way, you’ll find Steve Almond savagely entertaining. Not that you asked.

“A pop-culture-saturated intellectual, a kindly grouch, vitriolic Boston Red Sox hater, neurotic new father and Kurt Vonnegut fanatic… [Almond] scores big in every chapter of this must-have collection. Biting humor, honesty, smarts and heart: Vonnegut himself would have been proud.”
—— Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
• Release date: Sep 11, 2007
• ISBN: 9781588366542

Steve Almond

Steve Almond is the author of eight books of fiction and non-fiction, including the New York Times Bestsellers Candyfreak and Against Football. His short stories have been anthologized widely, in the Best American Short Stories, The Pushcart Prize, Best American Erotica, and Best American Mysteries series. His essays and reviews have appeared in the New York Times Magazine, the Boston Globe, the Washington Post, and elsewhere. He teaches at the Nieman Fellowship for Journalism at Harvard, and hosts the New York Times podcast “Dear Sugars” with fellow writer Cheryl Strayed.

Reviews for (Not that You Asked)

[smichaelwilson · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I wasn't familiar with Steve Almond before reading this collection of essays. I am much more familiar with him now. Not that I asked.Not That You Asked is that kind of essay collection that tends to get attention these days; a personal memoir that is equally narcissistic and self-deprecating, humorous yet poignant, and involves more discussion about the author's sex life than was necessary. None of these are negative critiques, especially the narcissistic and self-deprecating part, which if we're perfectly honest with ourselves, is how most of us approach the real world on a daily basis.Like most interesting people, Almond has a very eclectic range of interests, which usually means that you might be less than interested in some of topics touched on in his essays. Personally, the highlights in this collection are the essays that touch on literary themes (Kurt Vonnegut, Bloggers, Writers) and cultural criticism (Reality TV, Politics, Dead Bodies). The parts about sex, sports, and fatherhood? Not so much. But beyond personal preferences, Almond is a funny with a serious side, and no matter what he is writing about, he always manages to make it relate to the human experience that we are all currently fumbling around like lunatics.

[librarybrandy · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Entertainingly written but ultimately forgettable. I'm not in love with Almond's writing, though I find reading it a pleasant use of my time.

[railarson · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I picked up this collection of essays from Boston writer (and Bay Area native) Steve Almond on a total whim and found it to be one of the explosively funny books I’ve read since Ozzy’s autobiography. Almond is just nuts—and honest to a fault—which may or may not be a product of his insanity.Not that You Asked is organized thematically with the chapter entitled About My Sexual Failure (Not that You Asked) being the most cringe-worthy of the bunch.In the extended piece Shame On Me (Why My Adolescence Sucked Donkey Cock), we are regaled with tales of his late-blooming sexuality via the water jets in the Almond family hot tub; hand jobs con sharp, inexperienced fingernails; the family dog’s rooting out of a used condom from the trash and subsequent tug-of-war with Almond’s mother leading to predictable, but no less horrifying results; and getting publicly busted for shoplifting condoms and Sta-Hard gel from Longs Drugs.Chestfro Agoniste and My First Fake Tits reveal waxing and breast implants to both be somewhat less wonderful than advertised, the former resulting in this conversation painfully recounted by Almond:Me: Ow! Please. Please, don’t—Fuck!Her: It’s almost out.Me: You have to do it faster, really—No! Ow! Fuck! Please move to another—that part really—Owwww!Her: Stop being a baby.Me: Please, sweetie. Please, I’m not joking.Her: Lie still. Just fucking lie still and let me—Me: Owwwww! You fucking bitch! You mean fucking bitch!For every writer who has attempted to wince his or her way through a sex scene, Almond offers a 12-step program that lays out some pretty good (and common sense) advice, such as Step 5 (Real people do not talk in porn clichés):“Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as ‘I think I’m losing circulation,’ and ‘I’ve got a cramp in my foot,’ and ‘Oh, sorry!’ …”Given my utter lack of interest in the sport of baseball, it took me awhile to battle my way through one of the longer essays in the collection, Red Sox Anti-Christ, which ended up having some interesting and insightful things to say about sport and its place in a war-loving society such as our own.He equates the coverage of the kick off to the invasion of Iraq with a major sporting event. “Nightly highlight reels charted the day’s major offensive drives. Correspondents offered sandswept on-the-field interviews with our burly combatants, while generals served up bromides fit for a head coach.”Almond goes further and takes part of the blame for the unnecessary war onto his own shoulders. “As a fan, I had helped foster a culture governed by the sports mentality, in which winning mattered above all else, and the application of violence was seen as a necessary means to that end rather than a betrayal of our democratic standards.”In a chapter entitled In Tribute to My Republican Homeys, Almond turns on the vitriol. Demagogue Days, Or How the Right-Wing Hateocracy Chewed Me Up and Spat Me Out spins the story of how Almond, an adjunct professor at Boston College at the time, resigns over the school’s invitation of Condoleezza Rice to give the commencement speech. Almond uses the format of Dante’s descent into hell to map out all of the insidious devils of punditry that all wanted a piece of him for a brief, terrifying moment.With the ability to ride out ridiculous situations with the artistry of a Mavericks surfer (see How Reality TV Ate My Life), one starts to wonder just what would really get to Almond, what would crack his smooth, white chocolate exterior and let the creamy nougat pour forth? That force majeure comes in the form of a baby girl, the arrival of whom is hilariously recounted in 10 Ways I Killed My Infant Daughter in Her First 72 Hours of Life. It’s this window into the hopes and fears that people have shared from time immemorial, that saves Not That You Asked from being simple a collection of ravings from another smart ass cynic. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

[lawgrrl07 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A little bit naughty, a lot endearing, and all Almond...Steve Almond, that is. Rarely do you find writing on "taboo" topics to be so genuine. The reader feels connected instead of embarrassed and that is a rare gift.

[delphica · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I thought this was uneven, but good in parts. It's a series of essays by the author of Candyfreak, which I loved, and about half way through this one, I figured out that I like him a lot when he is writing about things that are fairly specific to him, like being obsessed with candy, or with Kurt Vonnegut. On the other hand, when he discusses things that are more commonplace, like having grave concerns about the Bush administration, or sex, it gets a little monotonous for me, like the Charlie Brown adults.

[iammbb · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Eh. Let me say that I am perversely offended by this Advance Reader's Edition "special excerpt booklet." Perversely because, although I didn't really enjoy the "special excerpt booklet," I'm offended that "they" didn't send me the entire book. I do understand that there's an element of looking a gift horse in the mouth involved here. But, what can I say? I find it kinda chintzy. Getting past my irritation with the form to my thoughts on the substance, I will say that Almond occasionally made me chuckle but, for the most part, I was unimpressed. His insights came across as shallow and self-satisfied. Which is probably why it took me 10 months to finish a 42 page "booklet."

[meeyauw_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is based on my reading of a special excerpt booklet of this book. I have not yet read the whole book, but I will when the library gets a copy. As another commenter wrote, these essays remind me of David Sedaris without the angst, but there is some angst. The cover reminds me of Sedaris also. I felt the best section was his recollection of his family history. It was well-written without trying to be funny.

[seriousgrace · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

The excerpts from Steve Almond’s Not That You Asked seem to have split personalities. Different voices emerge for each section. The first section reminds me of something David Sedaris would write; something humiliating and hilarious all at once - a coming-of-age nightmare of sorts always involving sex or something equally embarrassing for that stage of life. Its purpose is unclear. It is almost as if Almond is trying to be as self depreciating as possible to say to the reader I am human, hear me out.The section that describes Almond’s idolization of Vonnegut takes on a completely different voice. It is witty and sharp. The intellect behind the words makes this a worthwhile section.The last section was the driest of the three. Religion is a tough subject to pass as humorous. Almond makes an attempt by describing two grandfathers and their opposing views on the existence of God.

[tanyatomato · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

The first story was so mortifying and embarrassing that of course I was sucked in immediately.

[neilandlisa · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Advanced Excerpt Review:The excerpt can be easily divided into two sections: sex and intellectual pondering. I am unfamiliar with Almond's work, but the chapters dealing with sex and, more specifically, the author's teenage sexual humiliation, seem to have no point other than conveying what one can reasonably assume is something common: as teenagers we are, inevitably, awkward when it comes to sex. The stories themselves are reasonably funny, but it feels more like a cheap laugh than anything.His defense of Vonnegut is probably the best essay in the excerpt, and probably one of the most biting attacks on the psychology of literary criticism itself. It's very well written, and were it not for this essay I wouldn't even consider reading the full book. If there are a few more essays like this in the book it will be worth the purchase.The last essay about the odd conventions of religious ritual practiced by secular people is fairly entertaining, especially his description of his two grandfathers who each wrote a book about the existence of God - one in favor, the other against. Overall, the book is hit or miss, but the last two essays (which are also the longest) make up for the crude and seemingly pointless first three.

[megsieg · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The excerpts from Steve Almond’s Not That You Asked vary widely in tone. The first section reads quite a bit like the coming-of-age-humiliation essays of Jonathan Ames, but more anecdotal--that is, they are, in this format, given little reason for being. There seems to be no larger frame into which they fit.The section that explores Almond's early idolization of Vonnegut (by far my favorite) seems to combine the anecdotal presence of the first section with some very interesting and thought provoking ideas about fiction and why we read it. This is Almond at his most powerful--the reader is engaged, almost against his or her will, by a very real and persuasive narrator. Here the humor is working to buoy Almond’s ideas, and the “self-flagellation” humor makes us doubly likely to recognize ourselves in his text and agree with him.The last section, I felt, lacked the humor of the first two, and by the same token, lacked some of the reader’s willingness to engage with the subject matter. Its subject was clearly an important, emotionally charged issue to Almond, and yet I felt most at a distance here.

[myutopia · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

THIS REVIEW IS OF THE 42 PAGE SAMPLER FOR THE EARLY READER PROGRAM, NOT THE FULL BOOK.I have not read anything from this author but have seen his book Candyfreak in the bookstore. I was pulled into his collection of essays immediately. He has a sharp wit that expresses itself no matter what he is discussing, be it sex talk with his mother to his college days when he was in love with Kurt Vonnegut. One of my favorite lines is a footnote on one of the chapters, “My parents—who read this essay for facutual content and have reserved the right to take legal action—would like it noted that we never actually ate ham during Chanukah.” I enjoyed the sampler so much that I am planning on going out and buying the full book.