Your Second Pregnancy: What to Expect This Time

By Katie Tamony and Barbara Canida

Every pregnancy is different. This is the only book available that discusses what is different about your second pregnancy and why.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chicago Review Press
• Release date: May 1, 1995
• ISBN: 9781613743171

Book preview

Introduction

FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT with my second child, I was sitting at a fast-food restaurant eating a Quarter Pounder with cheese. As I reached across the table to steal a french fry from my toddler, I realized I’d never eaten like this during my first pregnancy (and neither had she). Back then, I followed my doctor’s diet advice down to the calorie. No junk food, candy, caffeine, aspartame—I didn’t even glance at a bottle of wine. It was fun being vigilant about my diet the first time, because being pregnant was so new.

Fast-forward eighteen months later to me feeling slightly guilty for indulging a craving but less paranoid about carrying a few extra pounds. I believed more in my intuition, followed instinct—and appetite—and hardly ever cracked open my pregnancy book. I allowed myself some junk food, an occasional cup of coffee or diet soda. And I justified it by looking at my daughter and reasoning she’d have turned out perfect whether I had eaten a candy bar or not.

But I wasn’t worry-free. Although I liked to think that producing one perfect child meant I’d produce another, some days I was scared that good luck would not strike twice. I was worried, too, that I wasn’t thinking enough about this baby. During my first pregnancy, nearly every fluttering kick I felt was cause to stop and pay attention, pat my belly, or even whisper to my baby. Now I was more likely to groan when the baby moved too much at night, and my husband didn’t put his hand on my stomach nearly as often this time. We were both more fascinated with our one-year-old, who was starting to talk.

Which brings me to my next load of guilt. What were we thinking, having another child when our first was still a baby herself? How could we dethrone her now, when she was becoming such an interesting little person and so attached to mom and dad? Whenever I started daydreaming about our unborn child, the one already out seemed so demanding, so needing of my attention. I understood for the first time what being a mother of two must be like: dividing your time and attention constantly, worrying who was getting the raw deal.

We planned to have our children close together, but I didn’t realize how it would actually feel to be either pregnant or breastfeeding for three consecutive years until I was in the middle of my second trimester. When I was supposed to be in the feel-good stage, I was starting to feel stressed and uncertain. Just who did we think we were having another child? I could barely cope with the busy schedule I already had. and our daughter seemed to consume all the motherly love I could give—how could I love another child as deeply?

Of course, I soon realized I wasn’t the first person to wake up in the middle of a second pregnancy with self-doubt, new anxiety, and many questions. I met women at the playground, at my daughter’s daycare, at the obstetrician’s office, at baby showers for new moms, who shared my feelings that there was nothing quite like a first pregnancy. Being pregnant for the first time is kind of like your first kiss—the newness makes up for the awkward reality. When you’ve already seen yourself in pregnant profile, watched an ultrasound, felt a baby kicking from inside you, and bought maternity clothes, the thrill is, well, gone.

I should say that the thrill is gone for us average women who conceive easily and have our two kids within three years. The first pregnancy’s magical emotions are vivid enough to make comparisons. That is, if you have time, since toddlers and preschoolers take up almost all of your attention, as well as that of your spouse, parents, and friends. Almost no one even notices you’re pregnant the second time.

For women starting a second family, or finding themselves pregnant after ten years with an only child, pregnancy is probably just as magical the second time. There is so much that’s new, and you may be an altogether different person during this pregnancy. Plus, you have the time to savor this pregnancy, especially if you plan on it being your last. But it’s still profoundly different from a first time, both physically and emotionally.

After the delivery of a first child, after the hemorrhoids have healed and the cesarean scar becomes a dim white line, a woman’s body does not return to its prepregnancy state. Oh, you may lose the weight and work up to doing a hundred sit-ups today, but your body will remember that first pregnancy. This memory will mean that your second pregnancy will have some physical differences from your first: You may notice that you start showing sooner with your second child or that you have less heartburn because this baby seems to ride lower in your pelvis. Friends note that you’re carrying differently this time, and make guesses that you’ll get that boy (or girl) that you didn’t get last time.

Some of the physical differences will have more to do with the child you’re chasing after than with your own body. You may notice the increased backache that comes with picking up a toddler constantly. And most moms report that fatigue is definitely more noticeable the second time—or maybe it’s just that naps are fewer and farther between. A busy mom can fall victim to more colds and flu in her second pregnancy, as well as to mysterious, and sometimes dangerous, illnesses that her son or daughter brings home from day care or school.

Some physical differences have nothing to do with this being your second. Wretched morning sickness the first time may have you believing that if you don’t feel it again, something is wrong. You may be surprised that you don’t have the awful leg cramps this pregnancy that you had the first time. But no two pregnancies are exactly alike, in part because it is, after all, a different baby you’re carrying. And this fetus may lie differently in the uterus, may be more or less active, and may come with a certain set of raging hormone behaviors all its own.

Though the physical differences between pregnancies are compelling, the emotional changes will probably surprise you the most. Your feelings about a second pregnancy will be based, at least in part, on whether this child is planned or unplanned, what the state of your marriage or relationship with the baby’s father is like, and how you feel about yourself as a parent. Your concern for your first child and his or her needs will dominate much of the time you planned to spend daydreaming about your second baby.

If this is your last child, and most American families say two is the magic number, then you may be savoring these nine months with just as much intensity as you did the first. You may even feel closer to the unborn baby during this pregnancy than you expect, because you’ve already seen that an actual person emerges after nine months. In fact, many moms report that they feel attached to the fetus sooner in a second pregnancy: I was so obsessed with how I was feeling the first time, how my body was changing, my life, that pregnancy was less about the baby and more about self-discovery, says Barbara. Her second pregnancy on the other hand was boring because I couldn’t wait to have the baby in my arms. I was focused on being a mom again, not fascinated by growing breasts, stretch marks, or every little twinge.

This is a book for women like Barbara, who already know the basic facts of growing a baby. When you’re pregnant with your first child, you want guidance about what to eat and what to drink; you seek reassurances that every new and exciting thing you’re feeling is normal. You want to see pictures of a growing fetus and learn all that you can about what is happening to both of you. The second time around, you want much more.

A woman who has already had one child knows the basics, and she can look up reminders in the pregnancy books she bought during her first pregnancy (if she hasn’t given them away to a pregnant friend, as most women do). But where’s the advice on preparing your child to become a sibling? On getting more attention from your I’ve-already-seen-this husband? On making time for prenatal exercise in between making lunches, working, and rocking your toddler to sleep? On why women show sooner the second time? I put these questions to doctors, midwives, mothers of two and three, and family therapists, who offered personal stories and expert opinions for the woman who isn’t satisfied hearing Oh, you’ll be fine, you’ve done this before.

About half of all women who become pregnant each year are having a second or later baby. This is an older, wiser group who are probably more relaxed about parenting but more concerned with the complications that come with getting pregnant at an older age. Things change between pregnancies: techniques in labor and anesthesia improve, new tests are developed, and new ideas on everything from breastfeeding to sharing a room are introduced. When you’ve been through tests and fads, you’re no longer anxious to follow all the rules. You’ve got more of a sense of yourself and what you believe about prenatal care and childbirth procedures.

This is not a pregnancy manual. You already know how it works. This book is a collection of ideas and observations about what it feels like, physically and emotionally, to be pregnant with your second child. The words and wisdom of more than fifty women who’ve had two or more children will help you enjoy this pregnancy and understand what makes it different the second time. The words and wisdom of numerous physicians and midwives will guide you through the changes your body will go through in the next nine months. Congratulations! Your life is really about to change. . . .

1

Congratulations! You’re Pregnant . . .Again!

I KNEW I was pregnant again when my gums started feeling sore. I know it sounds crazy. I had other symptoms, too, but the sore gums clinched it for me. I remembered that feeling from my first pregnancy just a year earlier.

And this pregnancy was a shock; we didn’t plan it, so my reaction to the news was very different. Everything in my life is pretty planned out—including how far apart our kids were going to be. My husband and I were both speechless for awhile, just letting the news sink in. I kept looking at our baby and imagining doing it all again.

Amy

The smell of fish was the first sign—I smelled it in every grocery store. And I couldn’t stand it all of a sudden. And then everything started to fall in place—the late period, the tiredness. It was kind of fascinating that I just knew it this time. Oh, sure, we bought a pregnancy test, but I knew it before we took it. I felt like an old pro, even though it had been two years. All the same feelings came rushing back: Are we ready for this? How is our life going to change? Can we afford it? Only now I was more confident that we could handle whatever changes came our way.

Jenna

I kept thinking that I should be more sick. During my first pregnancy, I was bedridden for a month. Was something wrong this time? I read all these books that said morning sickness was good, and I kept thinking, Is this pregnancy going to take?—because I had already had one miscarriage. So I told myself not to think I was pregnant until the thirteenth week, and then I’d be excited. Even though the doctor said everything looked fine, I couldn’t let myself think baby—but I couldn’t help it. And once the thirteenth week started, I was elated. I told everybody. And they were all kind of ho-hum about it, like big deal, another kid. But I was so excited.

Jane

My periods were never very regular, so my first pregnancy was two months along before I had an inkling I might have something more than the flu. The nausea hit in the afternoon, so I was sure it wasn’t morning sickness. Sure, that is, until I bought a home test and my husband and I pored over the results like chemists making a breakthrough discovery. We had created a child, or what looked at this point to be two little pink lines on a stick. We were elated, and giddy, and stared at the pregnancy test as if it were a crystal ball.

The pregnancy test for the second child was a bit less exciting. My husband was trying to get our daughter fed and dressed for day care while I slapped lunches together before work. The tiny tube foretelling our future was left unattended longer than the five minutes required, but the results were just as dramatic and unreal. Another child? Another nine months? My husband and I looked at each other incredulously. We asked the same questions we had the first time: Were we ready? Does anyone ever feel totally prepared? I immediately dumped out my coffee and looked in the medicine cabinet for the prenatal vitamins I’d stopped taking when I gave up nursing just four months earlier.

There’s an immediate recognition when you find out you’re pregnant with your second child. It’s as if those first nine months are played in fast-forward right there in the doctor’s office. You’re on your way to 3 A.M. feedings, infinite diaper changes, first words, and first steps for a second time. As you haul the baby swing out of storage and try to remember who borrowed your maternity clothes, some old feelings and questions from your first pregnancy are bound to resurface. The tired-excited-sick-anxious-peaceful mood swings will start up again soon, but with a different twist. After all, you are a veteran decorated with stretch marks of pregnancy and childbirth and a mom who knows what taking care of and loving a child truly means. So what’s left to worry or be excited about during the next nine months?

It’s impossible to predict what a second (or third or fourth) will be like. As anyone who’s ever been pregnant has been told, every pregnancy is different. That obstetric rule even applies to two pregnancies in the same woman, whether she has her children ten months apart or ten years.

There are bound to be physical differences, of course. You’re older, in an older body. You have a uterus that’s already been stretched to accommodate a watermelon, and this is going to impact how you carry your second child. Some physical symptoms may repeat themselves; some may not. It depends on your health, your level of stress, and plenty of other variables. Even though every second pregnancy is different, there are some symptoms and feelings many pregnant moms share.

Because you’re more in tune to what pregnancy feels like (especially if you had your first within the last four years), you are apt to suspect your second pregnancy earlier and more accurately. On the other hand, a woman who’s been pregnant before is suspicious of every dizzy spell, every wave of nausea, and any late period—even if they have nothing to do with being pregnant. So how do you know for sure?

Second pregnancies are not necessarily sequels. You may not experience the same early symptoms this time around. That said, there are certain cues and nuances to the hallmarks of a second pregnancy.

Are You Pregnant Again?

Breast Tenderness and Fullness

If you’ve just finished nursing your first baby (or if you’re still nursing a toddler), breast changes can be tricky to detect. The natural ebb and flow of hormones and a changing milk supply governed by your nursing toddler’s needs may distort the size and shape of your breasts and the appearance of your nipples. If you’ve stopped nursing altogether, your breasts may appear smaller than they were before your first pregnancy. Some women note that a first pregnancy and breastfeeding forever change the shape of their breasts and the size and color of the areola, making it difficult to judge what’s normal.

Some specific signs to watch for include a fullness similar to the way breasts appear just before menstruation and a tingling or tenderness of the nipples. Breast changes may be accompanied by other early signs of pregnancy, such as nausea, extreme fatigue, a lack of a period, or frequent urination.

Morning Sickness

If you’ve had it before, you know that this least popular of pregnancy clues doesn’t come only at 7 A.M. You can feel woozy any time of the day, especially if you’re a busy mom who isn’t eating properly. Running after a toddler all day or juggling a car pool, staff meeting, and school play, combined with skipping meals, can drop blood sugar levels. Of course, illness, food poisoning, and anxiousness can also cause you to feel queasy, but, if you’re getting enough to eat and still feel nauseous—especially when confronted with sharp odors—take note. If nausea continues day to day and you have no fever or diarrhea, then you might have morning sickness. Women who’ve had it before tend to recognize it instantly, but they’re also more likely to mistake simple lightheadedness for morning sickness if they’re trying to conceive a second child.

More than half of all pregnant women experience some nausea during the first trimester. If you had morning sickness during your first pregnancy, your chances of experiencing it again are slightly higher, although it probably won’t be as severe. If you didn’t experience it the first time, you may be in for an unpleasant surprise: plenty of mothers who skated through the first nine months are practically chained to a toilet the next time around.

If you don’t experience it during your second pregnancy, don’t be alarmed. Because so little is known about the causes of morning sickness, doctors don’t think of it as a positive or negative influence on your baby’s health. If you’ve got it bad, take heart: after looking at the records of more than nine thousand pregnant women, researchers at the National Institutes of Health found that expectant mothers who reported throwing up during the first trimester were a little less likely to suffer miscarriages or stillbirths than those who said they didn’t vomit. They also had a somewhat lower chance of delivering prematurely.

It’s commonly thought that nausea during the first fourteen weeks of pregnancy is caused by elevated levels of certain hormones. These hormones affect the entire digestive system, causing waves of nausea, constipation, and gas. Estrogen, in particular, may cause special sensitivity to odors. Mildly offensive smells grow more powerful, even sickening, during the first couple of months: the aroma of coffee, your daughter’s soiled diaper, your cat’s litter box. Even ordinarily benign food smells such as chicken—raw or cooked—can become unbearable. Nausea can also be triggered by other sensory perceptions, such as loud noises, bright light, closed spaces, or constant motion.

Why Is Mom Getting Stick?

You’re hanging onto the toilet bowl for the third time in one day and suddenly, there’s a tap at your shoulder. Mom, are you OK? says your concerned firstborn. Do you tell him you’re fine? Do you tell him about the baby? How do you reassure a child who’s just a baby himself that mommy’s OK?

If you have told your child you’re pregnant—and older kids (five and up) are often in the know early on—the answer is pretty straightforward. You don’t want to tell your child that the baby is making you sick, says family therapist Dawn Gruen. But you can say that having a baby changes your body in all sorts of strange ways. Explain that one of the effects is feeling like you’re carsick or seasick a lot of the time. You can reassure your child that throwing up often makes you feel better. Discussing the subject is also a good opportunity to explain that resting more and eating crackers in bed before you get up makes you feel better.

When you haven’t told your child about being pregnant, the best advice is to be reassuring and matter-of-fact about episodes of getting sick. My three-year-old wasn’t frightened; he was fascinated, says Melanie. After awhile, it got boring. He hardly noticed when I ran into the bathroom. Even children who are frightened at first will be less so the more often you get sick. I wouldn’t worry about having to talk to your three-year-old every time you get sick. He has other things going on in his life besides how you’re feeling, says another mom. The first couple of times might be weird for him to see you like that, but then he just wants to go play.

When your firstborn is just an infant herself, it’s not easy to explain what’s going on. You’re likely to be met with a puzzled expression if you try to articulate just how you feel to a one-year-old. Kids are easily distracted at this age, says Ann, mother of a three- and a two-year-old, who remembers how sick she was with both pregnancies. After I threw up, I would just stand up and take him outside to play with toys or get a snack. I didn’t throw up as much the second time, so it wasn’t horrific. The best thing was just not to make a big deal about mommy being sick. Don’t make a big deal to your child, but, at the end of the day when your partner asks (or doesn’t ask) how your day went, be sure to tell him how difficult handling morning sickness can be while caring for a baby. No matter how routine it gets to be, you owe yourself a pat on the back for carrying on, business as usual.

If your husband cooks, now’s the time for him to take on family meal preparation. If he doesn’t, consider altering the family budget to handle more pizza deliveries and deli takeouts. One of the ways I coped with morning sickness was not to go near the kitchen unless it was to get something for myself, says one mom. Of course, that’s not always possible. If you used to prepare scrambled eggs every morning for your baby and you can’t handle it now, try substituting another nutritious and less nauseating food. Keep a glass of ginger ale or wedge of lemon handy whenever you have to cook.

Fatigue

Do you remember the fatigue of your first pregnancy? Well, it’s probably going to be even more constant during your second. You’ve got a growing baby on the inside and a growing child demanding attention on the outside. You may be working part- or full-time. You also have a marriage, a home to manage, and about five minutes of free time a day. The demands on your mental and physical energy add up to exhaustion for a pregnant mom. You’ll likely notice this symptom earlier than the other ones the second time.

If you’ve waited more than four years between births, you may not experience the kind of physical exhaustion that comes from playing tag with a rambunctious two-year-old. On the other hand, you’re older this time, and your school-age child surely needs as many ballet lessons, scout field trips, and visits to playmates as you can manage. Just having to make decisions about another human being every day can be tiring. Mental fatigue can be just as exhausting—sometimes more so—than physical fatigue, says Dawn Gruen, a Seattle family therapist who specializes in postpartum adjustment issues. "As mothers, we tend to shoulder all of

Reviews for Your Second Pregnancy

[john smith · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I found this book interesting and learned a lot from it