Obamistan! Land Without Racism: Your Guide to the New America

By damali ayo

On November 4, 2008, the citizens of the United States gave prejudice and discrimination a boot to the backside. The pride of this accomplishment was echoed from mountaintops to bus stops as Americans ran through the streets with tears streaming down their faces, crying, Racism is over!

What does this dramatic evolution mean for you? This guide will help you familiarize yourself with the exciting postracist America--a land its loyal citizens now call Obamistan--through user-friendly explanations of new sights, sounds, and policies, along with eyewitness testimonials, news clippings, pop quizzes, and tips for those who miss the old America. From hot-button issues like immigration, foreclosure, gentrification, reparations, and health care to holidays, toilet paper, pronouncing people's names, and Dick Cheney's cozy new digs in Guantnamo Bay, this indispensible guide is guaranteed to help all Obamistanis feel right at home.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chicago Review Press
• Release date: Apr 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9781569766231

Book preview

Cover.tiftitle page.jpg

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

ayo, damali.

Obamistan! land without racism : your guide to the new America / damali ayo.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-56976-243-1 (pbk.)

1. United States—Race relations—Humor. 2. African Americans—Social conditions—21st century—Humor. 3. Travel—Guidebooks—Humor. 4. Satire. I. Title.

PN6231.R25A96 2010

818'.607—dc22

2009046561

Cover design: Sarah Olson

Cover photographs: istockphoto/Michael Krinke (Asian woman); istockphoto/Photo Euphoria (African-American man); istockphoto/arsenik (Caucasian woman); istockphoto/Salih Guler (dog and cat)

Interior design: Sarah Olson

Interior images: damali ayo

© 2010 by damali ayo

All rights reserved

Published by Lawrence Hill Books

An Imprint of Chicago Review Press, Incorporated

814 North Franklin Street

Chicago, Illinois 60610

ISBN 978-1-56976-243-1

Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

Acknowledgments

Thank you to Annin Barrett, Heather Day, Rosie Finn, Charmelle Green, Marc Gerald, Anu Gupta, Christos Ikonomopoulos, Stevie Madison, Elisabeth Malzahn, Dwayne McDuffie, Barbara and Bill Patterson, Kim Patterson, Kana Suppaiah, Richard Tarlaian, Yuval Taylor, Sandy Tolan, and Patricia Williams.

A very special thank-you to the always amiable Eric Okorie.

Jai ma.

This is for the fourth black president.

Contents

Introduction

A Dream Fulfilled

Pinch Yourself. Yep, You're Awake.

What's That Smell? Breathe It In!

Help!

What's It All About, Obamistan?

A

Accents: A Testimonial by Su Yin

Acting White

Adoption

African American or Black?

Airports: A Testimonial by Pardeep

American Indian

Animal Mascot: The Wandering Albatross

Apologies

Pop Quiz: Patriotism

Arab

Asking What Are You?

B

Beauty

Being Yourself

Black: A Testimonial by Ericka

Black, White, Chinese, You Know . . . Everybody!

C

Cafeterias

Chess

Child Care

Children

Chocolate

Compliments

Congress

Cultural Co-optation

Currency

Cutting in Line

D

Dating: A Testimonial by Graciela

Describing People

Dining

Diverse Person

Driving Around: A Testimonial by Latisha

Drug Dealers

Drug Sentencing

E

Emotions: A Testimonial by Vincent

F

Family

FEMA Trailers: A Testimonial by Sandra

Food

Pop Quiz: Eats

Foreclosures: A Testimonial by Dabiku

G

Gentrification

Geography

Getting a Job: A Testimonial by Abdul-Bari

The Great Obamistani Jambalaya: The Melting Pot Gets Real Flavor

Recipe: A Jambalaya We Can Believe In

Greeting Cards

Guantánamo Bay

H

Halloween

Handshakes

Health Care

History

Holidays

House Cleaning

I

I Don't Care If You Are Black, White, Green, or Purple . . .

Immigration: A Testimonial by Juan Carlos

J

Jive Talkin' or Jive Turkey?

Junk Food

Jury Duty: A Testimonial by Evan

L

Laundry

Liquor Stores

M

Manners

Mixed

Movies

Music on the Dark Side: Rooting It Out

Music on the Light Side: Out of the Closet

N

NASCAR

National Motto: E Pluribus Pluribus!

Neighborhoods

Pop Quiz: Living

O

Oprah

Oriental

Other Catchy Phrases

P

Paranoia

Police

Pop Quiz: The Fuzz

Political Prisoners

Pollution

Poverty

Prisons

Pronouncing People's Names

R

Race

The Race Card

Pop Quiz: Finger-Pointing

Reparations: A Testimonial by Jamal

Reservations: The Dinner Kind

Reservations: The Land Kind

S

School

Sharing

Shopping: A Testimonial by Latisha

Spanish

Pop Quiz: Asians

Sports

Standardized Testing

Staying Vigilant

Success

T

Tanning and Whitening

Taxes

Taxi Drivers

Television

Terrorism

Thanksgiving: A Testimonial by Blue Wing

That's So Dark

Toilet Paper

Tourism: Obamistanis Visit Abroad

U

Uncles: A Testimonial by Kerri

W

War

Washington, D.C.

We Are All the Human Race

Pop Quiz: Humanity

Welfare

White

White as the Default Race

Post Obamistan

Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back

Appendix

Do You Miss Old America?

Old American Underground

Old American Reenactment Societies

Old American Theme Parks

Rogue Communities

Jump 2.jpg

Introduction

A Dream Fulfilled

For centuries Americans waged a war of wills against themselves. An epic love-hate race war was played out in every corner of American society, from Barbies to barrios, from four square to foreclosures. Then, shockingly, on November 4, 2008, with the swift strikes of swarms of synchronized voters, Americans gave prejudice and discrimination a boot to the behind just the way the founding fathers did with ol' King George at the dawn of the nation. In this new land, the pride of this accomplishment echoed from mountaintops to bus stops, from mini-mansions to tenement houses, as Americans streaked through the streets with tears streaming down their faces, crying, Racism is over!

True to the pioneering spirit that started this country, and emboldened by millions of brave voices chanting choruses of Change! on that historic day, you, the citizens of the United States, made a radical leap unparalleled by any nation in the history of the world. You took a dark horse of a candidate and made him your main stud. You and your fellow patriots transformed a person who on any given day in Old America would have been racially profiled by the police, framed for carrying a concealed weapon, brutally prosecuted, falsely convicted, wrongfully imprisoned, and very likely given the death penalty, into your commander in chief and put his finger on the trigger of the largest cache of nuclear weapons and gun-wielding soldiers on the planet. You gave this man, whom in prior times you feared would jack your car keys, the keys to the highest office in the land. A man who, merely months earlier, could have only found success as a basketball player or rap star became the leader of the free world. This earth-shattering move signaled not only the end of racism but restored America's righteous place as the ballsiest country on earth.

Ending racism is a feat of majestic proportions, dwarfing the building of the pyramids, surpassing the fall of the Berlin Wall, and eclipsing the elusive peace in the Middle East. Like its most treasured superhero, America stepped into Superman's phone booth as an awkward, closed-minded country, consigned to a meager, plodding life. Then, in a flash, the phone booth door swung open and a dashing new America jumped out unfettered, enlightened, and recharged- with its vast multi-colored cape waving in the wind as it launched to the sky to relay its message of progress and hope to the world. America was reinvented- soaring through the clouds, looking down at its ant-sized past.

What does this dramatic evolution mean for you? Well, you might not always recognize parts of your country. You might be surprised at how many things changed with the fall of racism. You might feel as if you are a visitor in this new land. This guide will help you familiarize yourself with this new, exciting adventure of a country. It's almost like traveling abroad without ever leaving home.

Of course, the first and most obvious change is what you call this place and those in it. Clever New Americans, hungry to leave the past behind, chose a fresh new name for this bright new country. In honor of the chosen vessel of change, this magical place is called Obamistan. You will find that your fellow New Americans playfully refer to each other as Obamistanis, signaling a tattoo-like commitment to the humble yet stalwart servant you voted into office. Obamistanis show off their new nationality with pride. Some outsiders, confused by the sound of the word, have placed Obamistanis on their list of Islamic terrorists. But the fearless resilience of the Obamistani spirit shines forth. When criticized for sounding Muslim, Obamistanis respond, Well, my middle name is Hussein!

Pinch Yourself. Yep, You're Awake.

Hooray! Some of you are probably starting every day with a big pat on the back for all the work you did to make this moment happen, and you cannot wait to see what's changed. You canvassed and donated to the Obama campaign; you may have even made a few friends of other races along the way. You haven't stayed in contact with them since, but that doesn't matter. If you did not work on the campaign, you surely voted for Obama or at the very least you got drunk at the party when he won the big prize, right? Right. You basically invented Obamistan.

Maybe your experience has been different. Maybe you are excited that your country finally elected a black president so now all the clamoring and moaning about diversity and affirmative action can end. You'll be happy when all the racial bean counting is over and people go back to being people again. Maybe you feel that the fall of racism was simply the natural order of things-no big deal. America was virtually over racism before it elected a black guy anyhow. What could you have to learn? You went to school with a few black kids, didn't everyone?

Or maybe you didn't work very hard to make this moment happen. Maybe you even voted for the other guy. That's OK. Obamistan has a place for you too. Maybe you worried that the election of an African American president would cause you to disappear in a kind of reverse-rapture fashion when, in a puff of smoke, all racists would be gone, leaving only the truly chosen liberals to reign supreme. (This prompted real paranoia in far-left-wingers who feared that, like carriers of a recessive gene, anyone could be a latent racist without knowing it.) Rest easy: besides a few reports that a handful of people have gone missing, the world is still just as overpopulated as it was before. Most important, you survived!

True, some of your friends and relatives are nowhere to be found. Some who were not ready for change voluntarily relocated to space pods where they ponder the paradox of progress as they safely orbit the earth. Others can be reclaimed after ninety days in one of the post-racism rehabilitation centers run by the gentle but firmly transformative Dr. Drew.

What's That Smell? Breathe It In!

The fresh feeling of Obamistan greets you like the wafting aroma of your grandmother's traditional stuffed apple pancakes served with the contemporary flair of a triple skinny soy chai mocha latte. It is the sweet-smelling blend of the new and old ways coming together in perfect harmony. You don't have to let go of the things you love about the past in order to embrace your future. Like a finely aged wine, Obamistan enhances a complex body of familiarity with a clean note of progress.

New USA.jpg

Step out your front door and breathe the new racism-free air. Take this slowly-one step and one breath at a time. It is going to blow your mind-like that time you went to the oxygen bar. Remember how addictive that was? It made it hard to breathe regular air afterward. The good news is that now racism-free air is the regular air. It is healthy, clean, and plentiful, but be careful-all that clarity is a bit of a shocker at first.

If stepping outdoors is too much, you might start by peeking your head out your screen door or cracking the nearest operable window. Hey, where did those security bars go? They are gone, silly. You don't need your paranoia-induced iron barricade anymore. This is the land of racial harmony. You don't have to be afraid of entire groups of people, and you don't have to be afraid of the police. You don't even have to be afraid of the criminals! With racial profiling now ended, the cops focus all of their energy on catching