Chill Bill: The Lighter Side of Being a Cop
()
About this ebook
I should know; I’m an ex Metropolitan (London) Police Officer.
Yes, police work is stressful and dangerous. Police men and women see and do things that would make your hair stand on end.
But through it all we keep our sense of humour. In fact, the humour is the secret weapon that keeps police officers sane and makes doing a tough job just that little bit easier.
You won’t find stories about the dark side of police work in these pages, although that obviously does exist. Behind the uniform you will catch a glimpse of the laughter, pranks, good natured teasing and lifelong camaraderie that exist between police officers.
To protect the guilty, some of these stories are from a place some cops call ‘rumour control’ but most are true stories that I experienced during my time in the police service during the late eighties and early nineties.
James Holland
James Holland was born in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and studied history at Durham University. A member of the British Commission for Military History and the Guild of Battlefield Guides, he also regularly contributes reviews and articles in national newspapers and magazines. He is the author of Italy's Sorrow: A Year of War, 1944-1945; Fortress Malta: An Island Under Siege, 1940-1943; Together We Stand: North Africa 1942-1943 – Turning the Tide in the West; and Heroes: The Greatest Generation and the Second World War. His many interviews with veterans of the Second World War are available at the Imperial War Museum. James Holland is married with two children and lives in Wiltshire.
Read more from James Holland
Sicily '43: The First Assault on Fortress Europe Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Normandy '44: D-Day and the Epic 77-Day Battle for France Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Rise of Germany, 1939–1941: The War in the West Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Italy's Sorrow: A Year of War, 1944-1945 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Brothers in Arms: One Legendary Tank Regiment's Bloody War from D-Day to V-E Day Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Battle of Britain: Five Months That Changed History; May-October 1940 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Allies Strike Back, 1941–1943 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Malta Spitfire Pilot: Ten Weeks of Terror, April–June 1942 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Week: The Biggest Air Battle of World War II Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Britain’s Secret Defences: Civilian Saboteurs, Spies and Assassins During the Second World War Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Enemy Coast Ahead: The Illustrated Memoir of Dambuster Guy Gibson Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Britain’s Secret Defences: Civilian saboteurs, spies and assassins during the Second World War Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Alexander Memoirs, 1940–1945 Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Our Mind: "The Poetry That Lives" Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMalta Spitfire Pilot: A Personal Account of Ten Weeks of War, April–June 1942 Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Related to Chill Bill
Related ebooks
The King Who Had To Go: Edward VIII, Mrs Simpson and the Hidden Politics of the Abdication Crisis Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5D-Day Diary: Life on the Front Line in the Second World War Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Anzac's Long Shadow: The Cost of Our National Obsession Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Alan Brooke—Churchill's Right-Hand Critic: A Reappraisal of Lord Alanbrooke Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Sailors Behind the Medals: Waging War at Sea, 1939–1945 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsIn the Face of the Enemy: A Battery Sergeant Major in Action in the Second World War Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The D-Day Companion: Leading Historians explore history’s greatest amphibious assault Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsRed Sky at Night: The Story of Jo Capka Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Churchill's Flawed Decisions: Errors in Office of The Greatest Briton Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBattlefield Angels: Saving Lives Under Enemy Fire From Valley Forge to Afghanistan Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Storming Eagles: German Airborne Forces in World War II Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Soldier At Heart: From Private to General Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsStanley Spencer's Great War Diary, 1915–1918 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOur Mind: "The Poetry That Lives" Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGermany and the use of force Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Pathfinder's Story: The Life and Death of Flight Lieutenant Jack Mossop DFC* DFM Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOn the Bottom: The Raising of the Submarine S-51 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Charles Bean Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Bomber Command: Reflections of War, Volume 4: Battles with the Nachtjago 30/31 March–September 1944 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Doctor's War Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Manchester Pals: A History of the Two Manchester Brigades Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Survivor Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMI9: Escape and Evasion Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMemories, by Admiral of the Fleet Lord Fisher Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCockleshell Commando: The Memoirs of Bill Sparks DSM Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5D-Day Assault: The Second World War Assault Training Exercises at Slapton Sands Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Rommel Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Surviving Tracy Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Devil's Own Luck: Pegasus Bridge to the Baltic, 1944–45 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Blondie: A Life of Lieutenant-Colonel HG Hasler DSO,OBE, RM Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Humor & Satire For You
The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Man Called Ove: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Swamp Story: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5In a Holidaze Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Favorite Half-Night Stand Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar...: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I Can't Make This Up: Life Lessons Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Sex Hacks: Over 100 Tricks, Shortcuts, and Secrets to Set Your Sex Life on Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Britt-Marie Was Here: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Chill Bill
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Chill Bill - James Holland
9781483502328
INTRODUCTION
I want to set the record straight: Police officers are not the dark, humourless souls you see on TV and in the movies.
I should know; I’m an ex Metropolitan (London) Police Officer.
Yes, police work is stressful and dangerous. Police men and women see and do things that would make your hair stand on end. But through it all we keep our sense of humour. In fact, the humour is the secret weapon that keeps police officers sane and makes doing a tough job just that little bit easier.
You won’t find stories about the dark side of police work in these pages, although that obviously does exist. Behind the uniform you will catch a glimpse of the laughter, pranks, good natured teasing and lifelong camaraderie that exist between police officers.
To protect the guilty, some of these stories are from a place some cops call ‘rumour control’ but most are true stories that I experienced during my time in the police service during the late eighties and early nineties.
I hope you enjoy them because they still bring a smile to my face.
Enjoy!
James
SECTION ONE
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?
What did you just say?
A London police station control room is the hub of police activity. It’s manned by a team of officers and police civilian staff who handle incoming emergency calls and the deployment of police officers in the streets. At any given time, the average London police station is buzzing with the activity of a staff of more than 200 made up of dozens of civilians in administrative roles, plain clothes detectives, officers on patrol, uniformed officers manning the desks, and senior officers supervising.
Despite the stresses and strains of their high-pressure jobs, you would be hard pressed to find a bigger group of pranksters.
It’s common practice for someone in the control room to call the police canteen looking for officers. When the canteen phone rings, the nearest officer is expected to answer the call and relay the requested officer’s name to the canteen loudly enough for everyone to hear and respond.
Repeatedly, calls came in searching for Mike Hunt.
Every time a call would come in for Mike Hunt the answering officer -- if he was gullible enough -- would dutifully shout to the canteen: Is Mike Hunt here? Mike Hunt? Is Mike Hunt available?
Strangely, Mike Hunt never appeared.
Do you know where Mike Hunt is?
Excuse Me
It takes time to learn all the things about being a police officer in the London suburbs, but what you eventually realize is that there is no ignoring the public. Every time you attempt to put off a good citizen, it somehow comes back to bite you in the bum. Some of us learn faster than others, and for those who seem to have particular trouble with this lesson, it makes for great storytelling.
During a routine vehicle check, an Asian man got out of his vehicle after being stopped by the police car.
As is routine, the officer asked the man his name and he replied, Fuck you!
Taken aback by the response and thinking perhaps the man had misheard him, or that he had misunderstood the man. Again, he asked, Sir, your name, please?
Again the man said emphatically, Fuck you!
The officer, now losing his temper but not quite understanding why the man would be so disrespectful asked, between clenched teeth, Sir, may I see your driver’s license please?
The man got his license out his wallet and dutifully passed it to the officer. Studying the license, he read the name over and over, his face turned bright red. Indeed, the license itself had a clear picture of the driver and the printed name of ‘Fuk Yu’.