Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Written by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen and Roger Fisher

Narrated by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen

The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask"

We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to:

· Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
· Start a conversation without defensiveness
· Listen for the meaning of what is not said
· Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations
· Move from emotion to productive problem solving

• Language: English
• Publisher: Penguin Audio
• Release date: Aug 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9780593822074

Douglas Stone

Douglas Stone has taught negotiation and conflict management at Harvard Law School since 1993. He is a coauthor of two New York Times best sellers, Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback, and consults around the world on topics of communication, mediation, and leadership. Projects have included work with journalists and mediators in South Africa, doctors at the World Health Organization, and leaders of the US Departments of State, Justice, and Defense.

Reviews for Difficult Conversations

[steve02476 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Mostly common sense advice - easy to read about, hard to put into practice.

[rivkat_2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Conflict management advice: Working out how to listen with curiosity to others’ perspectives by finding their story of how and why the conflict occurred; how to disentangle character/intent from impact (yours and theirs); how to recognize the importance of the parties’ feelings while not treating them as attributions of “who is really to blame”; and so on. Seems quite useful and quite difficult to commit to. Key principles: In a conflict, everyone makes a contribution, which is not the same as everyone being to blame, equally or otherwise. Resolving a conflict requires understanding the parties’ contribution, but does not require judging, especially by the parties themselves. But the key thing here is that avoiding blame does not mean avoiding your feelings about the conflict. There are example conversations of how to reframe away from blame to understanding, even in the face of a partner who wants to win instead.

[sperzdechly-619992 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This one of the best communication books I've read. Although, it might be actually more a psychology book in disguise.

This is not a typical communication/negotiation book, where you receive tactical tips on how to assess the other party's goal, frame the situation, and navigate the conversation to end it up as close to your goal as possible. "Difficult Conversations" is more of a strategic planning book, where you receive tips on how to explore your feelings and motives to stay grounded when emotions and irrationally kick in (and no one in the conversation might even have any specific goals). And once you're good at it you cen help the other party do the same.

I really like how it embraces the human side of having a heated discussion and guides self-discovery. It provides a lot of examples (some of them more believable and realistic, some less) that illustrate the theory and make it more accessible via a variety of situations and contexts of difficult conversations. I find many of the presented concepts thought-provoking and useful, I wish I had read it earlier in my life and apply them more often.

It was an extremely slow read for me. The book is pretty dense and there are so many different examples, stories, and reports accompanying each concept that I had to hit a pause and digest because it was too much at once. Multiple breaks helped the content to sink in, which is not necessarily a bad thing but something to keep in mind when approaching "Difficult Conversations".

[skybalon · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Look just everyday conversations can be tough, ones that are important and can affect meaningful change are vital, but difficult. This book can help and you should read it.

[porch_reader · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Difficult conversations are a normal part of life. Often we avoid them. And when we get around to having them, we go into the conversation determined to change the other person's mind and end up feeling frustrated. This book provides lots of specific advice about how to handle difficult conversations so that both parties feel heard. The authors first make the point that a difficult conversation is actually three conversations - a conversation about what happened, a conversation about the feelings associated with what happened, and a conversation about what the situation means for us and our identities. The authors also make the point that difficult conversations are often about differences in perceptions, interpretations, and values, rather than about differences in facts. This is why it is important to avoid blame and instead explore each party's contribution to the situation. The authors encourage participants to shift to a learning stance to understand the other person's perspective. They also provide specific tips about understanding your purpose before getting into a difficult conversation, about expressing yourself, and about listening.

It is hard to capture all of the insights from this book in a short review. Often, with these types of books, I feel like the core ideas are in the first chapter, and then the authors simply rehash these points. Difficult Conversations does start with an overview, but the subsequent chapters are expansions on these points. The specificity of the advice is also surprising when comparing this to other business books. The authors use lots of specific examples to help readers think through how to implement this advice in their own situations. I'm facilitating a discussion of this book at an upcoming leadership conference, and I'm excited to hear the attendees' reactions to this book.

[lisamaria_c · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is one of three texts, plus handouts, used at a Negotiation course at Harvard Law taken by students all over the university--and by people from all over the world. At the end of the course, the students spontaneously rose to give the teachers a standing ovation. It's a very popular and valuable course--and this book deals with some of the techniques at the heart of it.

And no, this is not just for lawyers or diplomats. It applies to any of those kinds of conversations that you may be dreading with your boss, your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends. It talks about how to have a conversation that doesn't trigger a defensive reaction so you can get at what happened. You own your feelings, without projecting how you feel on the other person and separate results from intentions. "I got angry when..." rather than "You made me angry...." Because as it says in the book: Talking about blame distracts us from exploring what went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. You need to develop a curiosity about the other side of the story and admit to your own contributions to the problem. Reframe and paraphrase back what you're hearing to defuse and better understand.

Sometimes this technique has worked as a charm. And mind you, this isn't manipulation--in the end this is all about being fair--to yourself and others. That's what makes it difficult. Occasionally I've found people it's... shall we say... frustrating to try it on. You try to paraphrase back what you've heard them say, and you get back, "You're twisting my words!" "You're treating me like a lawyer!" (Doesn't help when someone knows that's what you are.) No doubt some of the problem it might be said in such cases is that I'm not skillful enough at my end using these techniques. But, of course, the thing is people aren't going to keep to the script. (And then there's the occasional psychopath.) But yes, these techniques are helpful and often do work at getting to the bottom of things. I've gone back to this book and brushed up on the principles when I know I'm going to have one of those "difficult" conversations.

[epictale · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The book is an important and insightful guide on how to prepare for and hold difficult conversations. It suggests that all such discussions really consist of three different conversations: the factual aspect of "what happened?", underlying feelings, and what the substance of the matter reveals about one's feelings towards oneself. I'll need to process and internalize the book's teachings before I'm able to speak to their value and utility to me. But for me -- or anyone who believes that quality of life is largely a function of the quality of one's relationships with others --- the ideas contained in this book are potentially (and, I hope, also in fact) important and worthwhile. I will hope to revise my review at a later date after I've had time to make sense of and apply them. Wish me luck!

[suesbooks · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is a good "how-to" book with many suggestions regarding both difficult conversations and the importance of listening to others' perceptions. The instruction is not easy, but probably very worthwhile. The examples seemed more realistic than those I remember from other 'how-to" books. Difficult conversations were divided in to the following sections: what happened; feelings; identity.

[edith1_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I had to read it as assigned reading for a training, and it turned out to be very interesting. About how to have constructive conversations about difficult topics without triggering defensiveness and fights. Techniques to learn from what the other is saying, to make sure the other is listening to what you are saying, etc.

[wheatland_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a helpful book by Roger Fisher giving insightful and abundant practical information about those difficult conversations: asking for a raising; criticizing employees; stepping into an antagonistic issue; delivering bad news; talking with parent and children; and so on.

Fisher asks the reader to listen alertly to the sub-texts and the assumptions on the part of the other person; to plan conversation points in advance; to aim for win-win outcomes wherever possible; to figure out the identity and emotion issues in the conversation; to thread the minefields of blame, feelings, and intention. This is a thoroughly useful manual for the popular reader.

[agilereader · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I think this is an amazing book - although I'm finding reading it a bit like the time that I went to the cinema to see Secrets and Lies - the Mike Leigh film. Yes it's great, but it's emotionally exhausting. The only objection that I have to this book is that it doesn't seem very keen on revealing it's sources. I think the reasoning is that it's a self-help book.

I suppose by Googling the authors, I could find the "serious" academic work that they've done, but I'm a grown up, I should be able to find that at the back of this book.

[dcjohn_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I've used this text in teaching both undergarduate and graduate courses in conflict resolution, and it always gets rave reviews from students. It does an excellent job of handling the areas that Getting to Yes misses: the relationship and identity conversations that are embedded in social interactions and conflicts.