Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl: A Memoir

Written by Jeannie Vanasco

Narrated by Amy McFadden and Andrew Karst

"It’s hard to overstate the importance of this gorgeous, harrowing, heartbreaking book, which tackles sexual violence and its aftermath while also articulating the singular pain of knowing — or loving, or caring for, or having a history with — one’s rapist. Vanasco is whip-smart and tender, open and ruthless; she is the perfect guide through the minefield of her trauma, and ours." —Carmen Maria Machado in Bustle

A Most Anticipated Book of Fall at Time, NYLON, Bustle, Pacific Standard, The Millions, Publishers Weekly, Chicago Tribune and more!

Jeannie Vanasco has had the same nightmare since she was a teenager. She startles awake, saying his name. It is always about him: one of her closest high school friends, a boy named Mark. A boy who raped her.

When her nightmares worsen, Jeannie decides—after fourteen years of silence—to reach out to Mark. He agrees to talk on the record and meet in person. "It's the least I can do," he says.

Jeannie details her friendship with Mark before and after the assault, asking the brave and urgent question: Is it possible for a good person to commit a terrible act? Jeannie interviews Mark, exploring how rape has impacted his life as well as her own. She examines the language surrounding sexual assault and pushes against its confines, contributing to and deepening the #MeToo discussion.

Exacting and courageous, Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl is part memoir, part true crime record, and part testament to the strength of female friendships—a recounting and reckoning that will inspire us to ask harder questions and interrogate our biases. Jeannie Vanasco examines and dismantles long-held myths of victimhood, discovering grace and power in this genre-bending investigation into the trauma of sexual violence.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Brilliance Audio
• Release date: Oct 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781799750826

Jeannie Vanasco

Jeannie Vanasco is the author of The Glass Eye: A Memoir (Tin House Books, 2017). Her work has appeared in The Believer, the New York Times Modern Love, Tin House, and elsewhere. She lives in Baltimore and is an assistant professor at Towson University.

Reviews for Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl

[elizabethkich · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Troubling, frustrating, immersive, brilliant, devastating. Jeannie Vanasco is writing about rape in a way that is as complicated as the topic. I wish it all was clearer, but it isn’t. I wish I knew how to feel, but I don’t. It’s murky and that is so difficult to sit with and harder to ignore.

[brookiexlicious · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

“This story isn’t original, and that’s the story. Sexual assault happens all the time. What makes this story sort of unusual is we’re having the conversation. I don’t think that happens very often” - Jeannie Vanasco I came across this book at the library and was immediately intrigued by the premise: Jeannie was raped by a close friend of hers when she was 19, and years later chooses to talk with him regarding his side of the story. During this process, Jeannie also struggles with her feelings regarding her choice, and struggles with recurring nightmares about the assault, which sadly isn’t the only one that has occurred in her life.As a sexual assault survivor, there were many parts of this book that were difficult for me to read. Jeannie and I shared many of the same feelings, although I lack the courage to confront my rapist as she did. I even grew up twenty minutes away from her hometown, and recognized many of the places she mentioned. Jeannie openly struggles with her feelings as a feminist-should she be made to feel a certain way or should she feel a certain way for giving “Mark” a voice? The way the book is written made me feel as if I was reading Jeannie’s diary, or eavesdropping on her conversations. Jeannie doesn’t censor herself or her feelings, which is why parts of this book could be considered “‘messy” to some, but I appreciated it even more for this. Though we are given information about “Mark”, she allows us to draw our own conclusions about his character. This will not be an easy book to read, but it is an important one. It is a brutal commentary on the sexual violence women & men face, the failures of the justice and education system, and toxic masculinity. It’s an important reminder of the #metoo movement and how hard we need to keep fighting on behalf of sexual violence victims.

[needmoreshelves · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This was an interesting and unique perspective to add to the many voices of the #MeToo movement - particularly in its honest discussion of the doubt and ambivalence that can come when processing a sexual assault. Worth the read.