THE EUROPEAN DETOX
I’m covered in green mud and standing semi-naked in the hose-down room. A bespectacled attendant in white Crocs sprays me with a jet of water powerful enough to put out a five-alarm fire. Bridget’s not just rinsing me off: This procedure is designed to stimulate my body’s meridians, like an acupuncture session, but the pressure is so high it hurts.
It’s only day two of my weeklong detox, and my patience is already waning. Perhaps my hunger-induced headache is making me paranoid. Maybe the smell of vegetal mud mingling with the barky earthiness of the dandelion-root tea still on my breath is causing hallucinations. Whatever it is, I think I see a glimmer of schadenfreude in Bridget’s eyes.
Though at times I feel as if I’ve been dropped into a dystopian movie, I’m actually at a Swiss facility called Chenot Palace Weggis. While iterations of Chenot spas have existed for decades in Italy, Greece and elsewhere, this flagship location on Lake Lucerne opened in June 2020. It consists of a renovated wooden hotel originally built in 1875, buttressed by a brand-new white-timber-clad wing that houses modern suites and a labyrinthine medical facility.
The word “clinic" is eschewed here, but anyone craving an old-world sanatorium vibe would feel right at home. The hose-downs, for instance, are a ritual of Chenot’s famed seven-day Advanced Detox, the pillar program created in the 1970s and customized with rigorous diagnostic testing to address each visitor’s specific needs. The protocol, like the others on offer here, is based on the Chenot Method, developed by Henri Chenot in the 1970s to excrete metabolic waste and toxins, repair defective tissues and restore hormonal balance. Its unique mix of results-based science and luxurious accommodations has attracted everyone from Luciano Pavarotti to Naomi Campbell.
As with any structured spa detox, the giving-up parts are hard: During the week, all guests forgo salt, sugar, booze, dairy, meat and caffeine. Everyone, regardless of size or gender, starts with a diet limited to 850 calories per day, a metric Chenot claims supports vital bodily functions while still promoting cell renewal. As a result, headaches are common and usually peak around day two or three. To quote a friend of mine who’d experienced Chenot’s Advanced Detox before me, “Day three is a bitch. Power through it.” I could almost guess which day the other guests were on. The beige-robed Germans, French, Greeks and Hollywood types began their weeks grousing to staffers (who always took it in stride) before finally acquiescing into submissive kittens around day four. Evidently, hose-downs can humble even the biggest egos.
What most impresses me is the variety of medical tests and how they empower me to better understand my body and its weak spots. Each guest is assigned a general physician, a nutritionist, a masseur and a traditional Chinese-medicine doctor. My week is arranged into a tightly scheduled regimen of medical appointments and daily massages. There are even cosmetic appointments if you so choose. But science is at the root of everything Chenot does.
One examination, a heavy-metal-and-mineral test, reveals that I have high counts of mercury and aluminum but am low on selenium, phosphorus, iodine and some vitamins. I take supplements
