LETTERBOCKS

I HAD my septic tank emptied by an engineer called Thomas Moore. I was about make a very clever play on words by remarking “who will rid me of this turbulent piss,” when I remembered that was Thomas Becket, not Thomas More, and so narrowly avoided a potentially embarrassing moment.

Persemillion Jones, Sizewell

SO MULTI-MILLIONAIRE property developer and Conservative party donor Tony Gallagher has been given a knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List “for services to land development and the property business.” Well, if that’s the case, why is it that… actually, no. Fuck the punchline. “Services to land development and the property business” is funny enough as it is.

Stan Magnusson, Tooting

STAR LETTER

INSTEAD of was ting their energies creating Tr ack& Tr ace systems that don’t work, why don’t tech boffins use their time to develop realistic, accommodating sex robots? If they want people to stay indoors and not mingle in each other’s houses, then surely these are the ideal incentive? If they can mass produce some erotic androids like the prototypes you see on Japanese websites, then I’ll happily stay in for afew months until the virus has gone, or until my knob has off whicheverhas dropped off, whichever happens sooner.

Brewster Crumbits, Hull

I’VE OFTEN heard that women are most sexually attracted to men who can make them laugh. But when I copped off with a woman last weekend, she took one look at my cock, burst into hysterical laughter, and that was that.

Crosby Fibreboard, Luton

‘hard cheese’