The Vile: Versions of Me

By Jennifer R. Jensen

Harper Jones has spent the majority of her life running from her feelings and the people closest to her.

After years of chasing the never-ending bottom of a bottle, she has finally found herself in a life she never thought she deserved, let alone would have.

But with one phone call, the life she has built begins to unravel, and she finds herself falling into old habits.

While her world continues to be ripped apart, she is forced to come face to face with everything she has spent her life avoiding. And although they say there is comfort in the devil that you know, Harper's avoidance of that devil is what brought her back—and her knowing is anything but comfortable.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jennifer R. Jensen
• Release date: Feb 8, 2025
• ISBN: 9798230421214

Jennifer R. Jensen

Jennifer R. Jensen is a fiction author who dove back into the world of writing in 2019. She had spent a decade away from her passion becoming a wife, mom, and advancing her career. With six independently published books and two novellas under her belt, she is beginning to expand her love and knowledge for writing into the world of traditional publishing. She is looking forward to the next big adventure in her writing career that will expand her knowledge on the publishing process, and take her creative works to the next level.

Book preview

Chapter one

{Wednesday evening, November 19th}

My hand fell from the knob, unsuccessful in my attempt to leave my room. The door and subsequent knob were newer, but the situation was old. The door belonged to my place with Leo, but the room I stood in had burned and bulldozed years before. The fire was gone, but the desperation to run was seared into me. The nightmare was a reminder of that.

Harper, I heard just before I turned around, coming face to face with myself.

It wasn’t a reflection—but a living, breathing, ambiguously aged version of me.

And whether she was past me or my future self, I looked to her for answers.

Why can’t I leave? I asked.

You can.

I tried the knob again. No, it’s locked.

It won’t be once you’re ready.

I am ready, I replied firmly, despite the lack of confidence I held. I wanna go out there.

Do you? a voice asked.

My eyes shifted to the corner of the room, my gaze meeting my former therapist, Sarah. She was sitting comfortably in her usual chair.

You say you want to be out there, she continued. Yet you aren’t letting yourself go through the door.

It’s locked! I exclaimed like every other time I had been there before. I can’t go.

And while I knew that I was dreaming and I knew the words she would say, I found myself listening more intently than I ever had.

How’s working through your trauma going? she asked.

I’m better now, I replied, finding confidence in my answer.

Yeah? she continued. All healed?

Yup.

Then open the door, she said as she glanced at the knob.

For years I had had that same dream. For years I had tried the knob and failed. For years in times of stress she would return to tell me that moving on wasn’t so simple when it came to trauma. That if I never worked through it, I left open the potential for it to destroy my future.

But I wasn’t stressed. The worst had happened, and I had come out the other side—again.

Maybe it was time to prove just how far I had come. Maybe it was time to prove I was happy, or at the very least, healthy.

I took a deep breath, placing my hand on the knob, wondering—hoping—that time would be different. That that time would be better. That everything I had been through would enable me to leave my room. Leave my trauma. Leave my old self behind.

My hand trembled as I started to turn the knob.

What do you think of this? Lizzy asked, snapping me awake, her eyes meeting mine before she grimaced. It’s not even six, and you’re already falling asleep?

I sighed and shifted up on the hotel bed to look at her laptop screen. Sorry, I didn’t sleep much last night.

Her expression fell further.

I like it, I began, trying to divert her attention back to the project.

Yeah? she asked, giving me hope my diversion had worked. She continued to stare at the screen like it would transform if she looked at it just slightly different. I still think it could be better, she continued with a sigh of her own. But I’ll mess with it more later. I need to go back to my room and change before dinner.

Or we could just get room service and knock out the event schedule for next month, I suggested with more eagerness than I had intended to lead on.

The closing of her laptop was followed quickly by her feet swinging to the edge of the bed. You’ve been workaholic Harper for weeks now, she said as she stood and tucked her computer into its bag. We’re in a new city! The very least we could do is enjoy dinner.

I got to my feet. I just think we should get a head start—

Stop, Lizzy interjected with a smile as she turned toward me. "Go put on something other than work clothes and eat food off of a real plate with me—please!"

I sighed more dramatically than being forced to a nice dinner warranted. Fine, I replied before grabbing clothes out of my bag and heading toward the bathroom.

How’s working through your trauma going? Sarah’s voice whispered, but I shook thoughts of the dream away. I didn’t need a door opening to tell me I was healed. I already knew.

As I sat down to pee, my ringtone carried in from the other room where Lizzy had been all but heading out the door.

I got it, she said as the zipper on her bag knocked against the wall. Who do you still talk to in Michigan?

My hesitation wasn’t meant to be a brushoff, nor was it permission to see for herself. And while I knew she wouldn’t suspect that I kept numbers un-stored to prevent her from finding out who I was talking to again, I also didn’t anticipate her hello.

And while I pulled at the waist of my pants and ran to her, I could only assume that she either thought it was the robocalls that she loved to mess with, or a work call that was probably for her anyway.

Yeah, she’s right here, she continued, her brows furrowed as she extended her arm, handing the phone to me. Looks like we have something to discuss at dinner.

Part 1

9 months earlier

Chapter Two

{Friday evening, March 7th}

No way. That’s fucking outrageous, Leo said, his eyes wide with a hidden smile behind them.

Outrageous? I asked with a raised brow. Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?

No, what’s extreme is the fact that you have never seen any of them, he replied as he shook his head. How is it possible we’ve been together five years, and this hasn’t come up?

Because they’re just movies, I replied with a smirk.

"Just movies? he questioned, his eyes widening. Ness, back me up here."

I agree, she responded as she set the food on the table and took her seat.

Thank you, he said proudly.

No—with Harper, she continued with a smile. I don’t see what all the fuss is about.

Leo sighed, his head hanging lower like he was contemplating letting it fall onto his plate in defeat. How did I end up at this table? he asked. "How are you the two main women in my life? It’s Star Wars for Christ’s sake."

Despite his lowered head, his gaze met mine. Our eyes smiled at one another, our lips following shortly behind.

He winked to which I responded with a blown kiss.

Conversations like that weren’t unusual for us. We were two completely different people who fell in love under dark circumstances. It was why we tried not to take things to serious. Not to let the accidental burnt toast ruin the day. We had lived lives of sadness, and now we wanted to enjoy the calm that comes after the storm. It was against my nature to do so, but it seemed very well fit for his. And so, I did my best to lean into his energy instead of my own.

It was why I had finally said yes without hesitation to one of the three proposals I had received in my life. His energy brought calm to my storm. And in the last five years, it had seemed to clear the skies completely.

Sorry, I’m late, Claire said, the sound of the front door shutting just before she entered the room.

Claire and Ness had met on set a year or so before. Claire had been Ness’s costume designer. They had instant chemistry and then when Claire hit it off with Leo and then me, it made for a very easy choice for our friend couple.

You’re earlier than you said you’d be, Ness replied as she pulled out the chair next to her. So, that’s a win. Their lips met briefly before Leo put down his fork and locked eyes with Claire.

"Please tell me you have seen Star Wars," he said while Ness and I unleashed our overdramatic eyerolls.

Yeah, I’ve seen all of them, she replied, glancing around at us all in hesitation and amusement.

And did you like them? he asked diplomatically.

She shrugged while stabbing a couple roasted carrots with her fork.

Leo sighed and shook his head in defeat.

I’m kidding, Claire continued with a smile as her teeth removed the carrots from the prongs. "Return of the Jedi’s definitely in my top five."

Thank you! Leo said, slamming his hand on the table in victory.

I glanced at the girls before my eyes went to Leo, preparing for my condescending retort. I never knew you felt so strongly about the space movies.

Ness and Claire didn’t even try to conceal their laughter.

He shook his head, but his eyes told me what they always did—that he loved me. Listen, if you expect me to be waiting at the end of that aisle, I suggest you get educated on good movies and fast.

"I am educated on good movies."

"The Notebook doesn’t count," he replied.

Says the guy who cried during it.

Teared up, he continued with a grimace to my side eye.

Same thing.

Claire and Ness laughter injected our banter as our lips gave way and curved into full fledge smiles.

Fine, I conceded. "I will watch one of them."

And you can’t fall asleep, he added.

No promises, I replied under my breath as we went back to our meal, finishing the rest of it in relative peace.

Once the plates were empty and we had helped clear the table, Ness and Claire started the dishes while Leo and I went to the living room.

I glanced around, noting the new décor she had added since my last visit, and the few paint swatches taped in the corner, almost out of sight.

Ness’s new place with Claire was bigger than her last but didn’t have the vibe she had wanted. And since she was starting to see bigger checks with her show and finally felt secure enough to start spending some of it, she bought the house with ideas in mind to make the changes she wanted.

While my eyes continued from one end of the room to the next, Leo’s shifting body intervened, my gaze connecting with his instead of the new tapestry.

So, you wanna take off? Leo asked in a low tone and raised brow.

It’s only six-thirty.

Yeah... but I want to get to bed.

Jesus, you’re old, I replied with a laugh as I leaned my back against the cushion.

He rolled his eyes playfully and moved closer so that he was practically hunched over me. I didn’t say I wanted to sleep, he continued.

Well then... whatever did you have in mind? I asked obtusely as I cocked my head, my eyes peering into his.

But instead of indulging into my coy roleplaying, he brought his lips to mine.

And while I enjoyed the kiss, I knew it had to stop soon and sudden as we wouldn’t be alone in the room for long.

However, Leo didn’t seem to have the same train of thought or the self-control. And although I should’ve shared some of mine, I instead let his mouth travel down my neck and fueled him with a soft moan as I closed my eyes.

I listened for the clinking of glassware as his hand slid to my thigh and then up my skirt, his fingers grazing the outside of my underwear. That was where he hesitated, forcing my eyes back open.

So, home? he asked with a devilish grin.

I let out a small and slightly uncontained breath. I promised we’d stay and hang out.

His fingers began their movement again but remained on the outside of the barrier.

You’re not playing fair, I continued, my eyes narrowing at his.

There’s nothing wrong with enticing...

Teasing, I corrected.

But saying so only made him up his game by moving the wet fabric aside and pushing two fingers inside of me.

I think they’d understand, he said, listening to the flow of my breaths. They know much you travel.

Exactly, they miss me too.

I let out another stifled moan as he let his fingers continue to do the convincing for him.

But I miss you more, he whispered into my ear.

I know, but— Talking was getting increasingly difficult as I was already fighting to keep my eyes open and my moans quiet. Just give me an hour, I began again. And then—we’ll go.

My body was tingling from head to toe as his hand moved rhythmically beneath my skirt. He moved his mouth back to my neck, as he planted small but firm kisses around my exposed skin.

Okay, one hour, he replied happily.

Although I had said an hour, I wasn’t convinced that I could wait that long. I wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t mount him there if we continued even a minute longer.

Harper, I heard Claire call from the kitchen.

Leo’s body shifted, leaving mine to play catch-up to the sudden stop in pleasure.

Yeah? I exclaimed, after the clearing of my throat and a chuckle from Leo.

Your phone’s going off.

Duty calls, I said to Leo, knowing I was overdue for an update from Lizzy on next week’s agenda.

But I didn’t jump up from the coach with any enthusiasm. One because my legs were still tingling, the other because I just wasn’t ready to head out again so soon. Traveling was fun, despite the heaviness of our work, and being with my best friend made it even better. However, being away like I was made wedding planning difficult and alone time with Leo condensed to stolen minutes of time.

When I finally got to my feet, Leo took my hand and kissed the top of it.

One hour, he said with a mischievous grin.

One hour.

As I walked to the kitchen and picked up my phone, all my thoughts vanished. It hadn’t been a call from Lizzy that I had missed—but a call from a place that I had written off years before.

When I stepped outside, I quietly shut the door behind me and hit play on the voicemail.

Hello, this message is for Harper Jones, The woman began as I walked toward my car. I’m Stephanie Cordray with the Michigan District Attorney's office. I have some new information involving a case that you had previously filed. It’s pretty late in the evening here, but I’ll be around a little while longer, otherwise I’ll be back on Monday. Please call me back. Thank you.

The message stopped, and it felt like my heart had as well.

Falling back against the car, my mind raced. There was only one thing that I had previously filed in Michigan. One time that the police had taken my statement with zero follow up or conclusion. One night that had tied the rest of my existence to it.

I swallowed hard before clicking to call back. The ring was daunting as I anxiously waited for the woman’s voice again. While I wasn’t in the least bit mentally prepared to handle her answering, I also knew that I couldn’t face an entire weekend of mounting anxiety.

Hello, this is Stephanie.

Hi, uh—this is Harper Jones... you just left me a message.

Yes! Thank you for calling back. I’m sorry for calling so late... but I’ve been trying to track you down all week and I finally just got your information.

I swallowed again, but that time my mouth was completely dry. You said you had something on a case that I filed?

Well, I had hoped to deliver this information in person, but it appears you’re in California now.

Yeah... for the last six years, I replied through her hesitation. I don’t plan on being in Michigan anytime soon.

I understand, she said with an exhale. Ms. Jones... there was a match for the semen sample that the hospital collected from you.

All the oxygen vacated my lungs just before my throat tightened. I was using all of the strength in my body to keep the phone clutched tightly in my hands.

Ms. Jones?

I’m here, I barely managed to say.

There will be charges filed Monday morning, and he will be arrested.

Again, I had a hard time speaking, a hard time thinking.

"Who is he?" I asked.

His name is Charles Strickland.

Strickland? I repeated, my body shifting off of the car into a full stance.

Yes ma’am... you know who he is?

Although my forehead had started to perspire, my body went cold. I... ah... I think I knew his brother.

She sighed sympathetically. Do you know who he is here in West Michigan?

What do you mean?

He’s a local news anchor.

I barely had anytime to wrap my head around a DNA match—let alone the capacity to consider that the person could be well-known.

Listen, we don’t need anything from you right now, she continued. But if this goes to trial, there will be a deposition at some point and then you will need to come back to Michigan, just for a few days for the trial itself.

The thoughts of the match and his status in my home state flew from my head with the word trial. I was failing to grasp the flow that came with such calls. The next steps. The preparation. The entirety of what it means to have filed the case in the first place. And although I had long given up on receiving that call, it had been what I had wanted.

What— I began as Ness’ front door opened, and my mouth fell agape at the loss of my words. Leo stood ten feet from me, lifting his brow at my seemingly secret phone call and undoubtably my shifted demeanor. I can do that, I continued with a redirection despite the nausea that coursed through me. Just keep me updated.

Chapter Three

{Friday evening, March 7th}

So, I take it, you couldn’t wait an hour? Leo asked once we were in his car on the way home.

I had lied to the girls about being tired. For good measure, I had agreed to leave my car there and ride with Leo since we had arrived separately. But the lie had only landed me in a more grueling predicament—more lies.

When I failed to give an audible response or retort with flirty banter, he spoke again. Everything okay?

Yeah, I replied, the singular word cracking in my dry throat.

Listen, I thought you were just lying to them for my benefit, he said with a chuckle. But It’s been a long couple of weeks for ya. If sleep is what you need... then sleep you shall have.

I attempted a smile as we passed a streetlight, my reflection flashing briefly in the window before it faded back into the darkness taking any hint of a smile with it.

Harper... I know what you do is important, he began again. But maybe it’s time to pull back a little... take a bit more down time in between.

I nodded but gave no real indication of whether I agreed with him or not.

Is there anything I can do? he asked.

I shook my head before extending my arm and taking his hand in mine.

Our fingers intertwined and was followed with a lift to his lips. I’m here if you need me.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence but with the reminder that I was not alone. Yet despite that knowledge the intrusive thoughts mounted in my head saying otherwise. And while his hand in mind kept pulling me back to the truth, the moment we arrived home the removal of that reminder sent the thoughts into an absolute spiral.

After he unlocked the door, I walked through and continued on straight to the bathroom. There was no putting down my purse or taking off my shoes. Just the relieving feeling of a shut and locked door.

I leaned my back against the door, taking a deep breath that didn’t nothing to cleanse the thoughts or remove the sharp stabbing in my chest.

Harper? Leo asked with a slight tap on the door.

That was when my eyes began to water, and my breathing went shallow. I’m not... feeling well, I replied, hoping my low tone masked the fluctuation of my vocal cords.

Oh, he said with what seemed like a shift in his concern. Ness did say it was a new recipe.

The tears fell slowly down my cheeks as a quiet laugh left my lips.

How had we just been with friends laughing? How had we been kissing on the couch? How had I been living life like I didn’t know what always came of it?

I’m gonna shower, I continued, listening intently for him on the other side of the door.

Okay, he replied softly as I shut my eyes. You need anything?

No, I’m fine, I said as my hand rose to my lips, resisting a sob at the words I had longed to never say and not mean again.

After listening to his footsteps recede, my eyes opened, and I stared at the shower at the other end of the room. I repeated the steps in my head to get myself to move toward it. To start it. To get into it. It took some convincing of the extremities to put in the work, but I finally made it to the ceramic tub and turned the knob.

The water bursting from the shower head jolted my body. A shiver accompanied the movement moments after, and then spread into a state of continuous trembling. It made the attempt to remove my clothes that much more difficult. But nothing could’ve halted that step quiet like my own reflection.

The mirrored version of twenty-year-old Harper appeared only feet away. Bruises littered her body. Blood having spilled from her nose, lips, and cuts were dried on her skin like crimson paint. But none of it compared to the look in her eyes. The look of hopelessness—despair. The look that had lingered for years and was only given some relief once she was half in the bottle.

I squeezed my eyes shut. The burning sensation finding relief but the darkness behind the lids more terrifying with what lurked inside of it.

The murk transported me back fifteen years. Back to the sidewalk. Back to the keys pinched between my fingers. Back to arms being wrapped around me, my body being lifted into the air, and the sudden meeting of the hard ground as I was thrown to it.

I stumbled backward like he was in my bathroom, pulling me. I released a quiet whimper as my back hit the wall. But instead of jumping away, I fell to the ground and wrapped my arms around my knees.

Knowing where I was present day didn’t stop the realism of the memory from playing out before me. It didn’t matter if my eyes were open or shut. If I was thirty-four instead of twenty. The heat from his body felt overpowering. His knuckles clear as day in my eye line. His weight like anvil set on top of me to prevent me from ever moving again.

I brought my hands to my cheeks, wiping the tears. But when I rested them back down, a sound of panic left my throat at the sight of blood.

It’s not real, The Voice said.

I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them moments later to see the blood had vanished.

You’re trying to find something wrong external to match what you’re feeling internally, it continued as goosebumps moved across my skin and my teeth began to chatter.

But it’s not there, The Voice said. They won’t see it. Leo, Ness—even Lizzy—they won’t understand. They won’t understand why you are reacting this way to good news. They won’t understand why you aren’t as healed as you said you were. But what they will understand is that you lied. That you will always spiral at bumps in the road. And then they will hate you for not being stronger.

The sound of a light tap on the door made my eyes shift.

Harper? Leo’s tone was hovering between concerned and alarmed.

I stared at the door as if I was able to see right through it to him. I’ll be out in a minute, I replied as my voice cracked.

Using the wall and counter for support, I got to my feet and turned off the shower. The absence of white noise making the bathroom even more haunted with the sounds of my past. And it wasn’t only the turmoil of that night so many years before, but the clinking of shot glasses for nearly a decade after. The stashing of glass bottles. The voices of the men I used to fill the silence. The voice of the man I once loved and then left. The wailing of the ambulance just after I had been brought back to life.

When I pulled open the bathroom door, I all but burst out to catch my breath from my suffocating past. I turned toward the living room as Leo stepped into view. He hadn’t seen my clumsy exit, but he was fixated on me with a piacular look as if he had.

Did you forget to do something? he asked as I took a few steps toward him.

My chest tightened as I glanced down yet saw that I was fully clothed. I hadn’t managed to get the clothes off—so it wasn’t that I had forgotten to put them back on.

My gaze met his while we both held furrowed brows.

To shower? he asked, his tone seeming to teeter on humor, but failing to find it wading in his concern.

I... threw up, I replied, swallowing the lump that I was sure would soon corroborate my story.

Leo walked toward me and reached his hand toward my forehead. And when he made contact, I flinched.

Does it hurt? he asked as he felt for a fever.

Uh, yeah. I have a headache too.

Maybe I should take you in... it could be food poisoning.

I’ll be fine, I said again, my lies coming back like the muscle memory of riding a bike.

I’m going to call Ness, see how they’re feeling.

Don’t, I replied. She’ll just feel bad... it’s probably just because it’s the first real food I’ve had in two weeks.

I attempted a smile but failed in a way that made Leo’s expression droop even more.

How about you go get in bed and I’ll get you some water and a trash can.

I nodded before turning and heading toward our room, climbing into bed with everything on except the shoes I now removed.

Two minutes had maybe passed by the time Leo entered our room, but I had already closed my eyes and faked rhythmic breathing to indicate my sleep. I listened as he set the small trash can and water on the nightstand and counted my breaths as he leaned over me to kiss my forehead.

But the steady breathing almost broke due to the heat radiating from his body and the feel of his skin on mine.

The darkness of my eyelids gave way to the shadows once more that lurked inside. Leo had already walked away, but the heaviness of someone else’s bodyweight covered mine and pinned me to my bed. The once comfortable pillow top mattress now felt like a prison with the blanket serving as the bars keeping me locked away. My heartbeat grew louder in my ears while I continued to struggle to move, to breath, to say anything that would pull me from the moment I had found myself in.

The trees surrounded me, the darkness terrified me, the pain covered me from head to toe.

I reminded myself that it was just a nightmare. That I had lived through that already. That I had come out the other side. That my world had changed.

And when my eyes opened, I was back in my room. I was on the bed that I shared with Leo. The bed that we had bought two years before together. In the house that we had picked out together. In the state that I had moved to when restarting my life—and leaving my past behind.

I grabbed the edge of the covers and tossed them aside, getting to my feet.

I walked to the door and turned the knob. But there was no give. It was locked.

Leo, I called out.

He can’t hear you, a woman’s voice said from behind me.

I turned around, coming face to face with myself.

Why not? Where is he? I asked.

He’s on the other side where he should be.

Why can’t I be?

You can, she replied.

No, it’s locked, I said, trying it again.

It won’t be once you’re ready.

Ready? Ready for what? I want to go out there.

Do you? someone asked from the corner of the room.

But before I could turn toward them, a pair of arms wrapped around my body and pulled me to the ground. The beige walls faded to black, and trees reappeared. My lungs constricted as I tried to scream.

Heat from his breath could be felt on my neck as he whispered, It didn’t have to be you. 

A deep inhale and jolt from my slumber made me take inventory of where and when I really was. I noted Leo asleep in our bed beside me. I noted the glow of the moon and the digital notice that it was around midnight.

But it was the sight of my fully clothed self and shoes in the bedroom that reminded me that while I had been dreaming, my reality was why those dreams had resurfaced. 

Shifting up slowly, I moved about my room, grabbing my laptop off the dresser on my way to the living room.

Once on the couch, I started a search for Charles Strickland, Michigan