Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun: An Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery, #1

By Lois Winston

When Anastasia Pollack's husband permanently cashes in his chips at a roulette table in Las Vegas, her comfortable middle-class life craps out. She's left with two teenage sons, a mountain of debt, and her hateful, cane-wielding Communist mother-in-law. Not to mention stunned disbelief over her late husband's secret gambling addiction, and the loan shark who's demanding fifty thousand dollars.

 

Anastasia's job as crafts editor at American Woman magazine proves no respite when she discovers a dead body glued to her desk chair. The victim, fashion editor Marlys Vandenburg, collected enemies and ex-lovers like Jimmy Choos on her ruthless climb to editor-in-chief. But when evidence surfaces of an illicit affair between Marlys and Anastasia's husband, Anastasia becomes the prime suspect.

 

Craft projects included.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lois Winston
• Release date: Apr 12, 2024
• ISBN: 9781940795041

Lois Winston

Lois Winston is both a critically acclaimed, award-winning author of fiction and non-fiction and a literary agent whose clients include authors of urban fantasy, young adult, mystery, women’s fiction, and romance. She currently writes the critically acclaimed Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries. Lois also writes romance, romantic suspense, and humorous women's fiction under both her own name and as Emma Carlyle. Visit Lois at http://www.loiswinston.com, visit Emma at http://www.emmacarlyle.com, and visit Anastasia at the Killer Crafts & Crafty Killers character blog, www.anastasiapollack.blogspot.com.

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Copyright

Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun copyright 2011 by Lois Winston. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, locations, or events is coincidental or fictionalized.

Cover design by L. Winston

About Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun

An Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery

by Lois Winston

When Anastasia Pollack’s husband permanently cashes in his chips at a roulette table in Vegas, her comfortable middle-class life craps out. She’s left with two teenage sons, a mountain of debt, and her hateful, cane-wielding Communist mother-in-law. Not to mention stunned disbelief over her late husband’s secret gambling addiction, and the loan shark who’s demanding fifty thousand dollars.

Anastasia’s job as crafts editor at American Woman magazine proves no respite when she discovers a dead body glued to her desk chair. The victim, fashion editor Marlys Vandenburg, collected enemies and ex-lovers like Jimmy Choos on her ruthless climb to editor-in-chief. But when evidence surfaces of an illicit affair between Marlys and Anastasia’s husband, Anastasia becomes the prime suspect.

Acclaim for the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries

Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun

Crafty cozies don’t get any better than this hilarious confection...Anastasia is as deadpan droll as Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, and readers can’t help cheering as she copes with caring for a host of colorful characters. – Publishers Weekly (starred review)

Winston has hit a homerun with this hilarious, laugh-until-your-sides-hurt tale. Oddball characters, uproariously funny situations, and a heroine with a strong sense of irony will delight fans of Janet Evanovich, Jess Lourey, and Kathleen Bacus. May this be the first of many in Winston’s Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series. – Booklist (starred review)

A comic tour de force...Lovers of funny mysteries, outrageous puns, self-deprecating humor, and light romance will all find something here. – ForeWord Magazine (Book-of-the-Year nominee)

North Jersey’s more mature answer to Stephanie Plum. Funny, gutsy, and determined, Anastasia has a bright future in the planned series. – Kirkus Reviews

...a delightful romp through the halls of who-done-it. – The Star-Ledger

Make way for Lois Winston’s promising new series...I’ll be eagerly awaiting the next installment in this thoroughly delightful series. – Mystery Scene Magazine

...once you read the first few pages of Lois Winston’s first-in-series whodunit, you’re hooked for the duration... – Bookpage

...madcap but tough-as-nails, no holds barred plot and main character...a step above the usual crafty cozy. – The Mystery Reader

...Anastasia is, above all, a JERSEY girl..., and never, ever mess with one of them. I can’t wait ‘til the next book in this series... – Suspense Magazine

Anastasia is as crafty as Martha Stewart, as feisty as Stephanie Plum, and as resourceful as Kinsey Millhone. – Mary Kennedy, author of the Talk Radio Mysteries

"Fans of Stephanie Plum will love Lois Winston’s cast of quirky, laughable, and loveable characters. Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun is clever and thoroughly entertaining—a must read!" – Brenda Novak, New York Times best-selling author

What a treat—I can’t stop laughing! Witty, wise, and delightfully clever, Anastasia is going to be your new best friend. Her mysterious adventures are irresistible—you’ll be glued to the page! – Hank Phillippi Ryan, Agatha, Anthony, and Macavity award-winning author

You think you’ve got trouble? Say hello to Anastasia Pollack, who also happens to be queen of the one-liners. Funny, funny, funny—this is a series you don’t want to miss! – Kasey Michaels, USA Today best-selling author

Death by Killer Mop Doll

Anastasia is a crafting Stephanie Plum, surrounded by characters sure to bring chuckles as she careens through the narrative, crossing paths with the detectives assigned to the case and snooping around to solve it. – Booklist

Several crafts projects, oodles of laughs and an older, more centered version of Stephanie Plum. – Kirkus Reviews

In Winston’s droll second cozy featuring crafts magazine editor Anastasia Pollack...readers who relish the offbeat will be rewarded. – Publishers Weekly

"...a 30 Rock vibe...Winston turns out another lighthearted amateur sleuth investigation. Laden with one-liners, Anastasia’s second outing (after Assault With a Deadly Glue Gun) points to another successful series in the works." – Library Journal

Winston...plays for plenty of laughs...while letting Anastasia shine as a risk-taking investigator who doesn’t always know when to quit. – Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine

Revenge of the Crafty Corpse

Winston peppers the twisty and slightly edgy plot with humor and plenty of craft patterns. Fans of craft mysteries will like this, of course, but so will those who enjoy the smart and snarky humor of Janet Evanovich, Laura Levine, and Laura DeSilverio. – Booklist

Winston’s entertaining third cozy plunges Anastasia into a surprisingly fraught stew of jealousy, greed, and sex... and a Sopranos-worthy lineup of eccentric character... – Publishers Weekly

Winston provides a long-suffering heroine, amusing characters, a...good mystery and a series of crafting projects featuring cloth yo-yos. – Kirkus Reviews

A fun addition to a series that keeps getting stronger. – Romantic Times Magazine

"Chuckles begin on page one and the steady humor sustains a comedic crafts cozy, the third (after Death by Killer Mop Doll)... Recommend for Chris Grabenstein (John Ceepak series) and Jess Lourey readers." – Library Journal

You'll be both surprised and entertained by this terrific mystery. I can't wait to see what happens in the Pollack household next. – Suspense Magazine

The book has what a mystery should...It moves along at a good pace...Like all good sleuths, Anastasia pieces together what others don’t...The book has a fun twist...and it’s clear that Anastasia, the everyday woman who loves crafts and desserts, and has a complete hottie in pursuit, will return to solve another murder and offer more crafts tips... – Star-Ledger

Decoupage Can Be Deadly

"Decoupage Can Be Deadly is the fourth in the Anastasia Pollock Crafting Mysteries by Lois Winston. And it’s the best one yet. More, please!" – Suspense Magazine

What a great cozy mystery series. One of the reasons this series stands out for me as a great one is the absolutely great cast of characters. Every single character in these books is awesomely quirky and downright hilarious. This series is a true laugh out loud read! – Books Are Life–Vita Libri

This is one of these series that no matter what, I’m going to be laughing my way through a comedy of errors as our reluctant heroine sets a course of action to find a killer while contending with her eccentrically dysfunctional family. This adventure grabs you immediately delivering a fast-paced and action-filled drama that doesn’t let up from the first page to the surprising conclusion. – Dru’s Book Musings

Lois Winston’s reluctant amateur sleuth Anastasia Pollack is back in another wild romp. – The Book Breeze

A Stitch to Die For

"A Stitch to Die For is the fifth in the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries by Lois Winston. If you’re a reader who enjoys a well-plotted mystery and loves to laugh, don’t miss this one!" – Suspense Magazine

Scrapbook of Murder

This is one of the best books in this delightfully entertaining whodunit and I hope there are more stories in the future. – Dru’s Book Musings

"Scrapbook of Murder is a perfect example of what mysteries are all about—deft plotting, believable characters, well-written dialogue, and a satisfying, logical ending. I loved it!" – Suspense Magazine

"I read an amazing book recently, y'all — Scrapbook of Murder by Lois Winston, #6 in the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mysteries. All six novels and three novellas in the series are Five Star reads." – Jane Reads

Well written, with interesting characters. – Laura’s Interests

…a quick read, with humour, a good mystery and very interesting characters! – Verietats

Drop Dead Ornaments

I always forget how much I love this series until I read the next one and I fall in love all over again... – Dru’s Book Musings

"Drop Dead Ornaments is a delightful addition to the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series. More, please!" – Suspense Magazine

"I love protagonist Anastasia Pollack. She’s witty and funny, and she can be sarcastic at times…A great whodunit, with riotous twists and turns, Drop Dead Ornaments was a fast, exciting read that really kept me on my toes." – Lisa Ks Book reviews

"Drop Dead Ornaments is such a fantastic book…I adore Anastasia! She's clever, likable, fun to read about, and easy to root for." – Jane Reads

"…readers will be laughing continually at the antics of Anastasia and clan in Drop Dead Ornaments." – The Avid Reader

I love this series! Not only is Anastasia a ‘crime magnet,’ she is hilarious and snarky, a delight to read about and a dedicated friend. – Mallory Heart’s Cozies

It is always a nice surprise when something I am reading has a tie in to actual news or events that are happening in the present moment. I don't want to spoil a major plot secret, but the timing could not have been better…Be prepared for a dysfunctional cast of quirky characters. – Laura’s Interests 

This is a Tour de Force of a Murder/Mystery. – A Wytch’s Book Review

"Lois Winston’s cozy craft mystery Drop Dead Ornaments is an enjoyable…roller-coaster ride, with secrets and clues tugging the reader this way and that, and gentle climbs and drops of suspense and revelation to keep them reading." – Here’s How It Happened

…a light-hearted cozy mystery with lots of energy and definitely lots of action and interaction between characters. – Curling Up By the Fire

Handmade Ho-Ho Homicide

Handmade Ho-Ho Homicide is a laugh-out-loud, well plotted mystery, from a real pro! A ho-ho hoot!" – Suspense Magazine

"Merry Crises! Lois Winston has brought back Anastasia’s delightful first-person narrative of family, friends, dysfunction, and murder, and made it again very entertaining! Anastasia’s clever quips, fun stories, and well-deserved digs kept me smiling, and reading the many funny parts to my husband…does that count as two thumbs up in one?" – Kings River Life Magazine

Once again, the author knows how to tell a story that immediately grabbed my attention and I couldn’t put this book down until the last page was read…. This was one of the best books in this delightfully lovable series and I can’t wait to see what exciting adventures await Anastasia and her friends. – Dru’s Book Musings

This was such a fun quick read. I can't wait to read more of this series. – A Chick Who Reads

The story had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. – 5 Stars, Baroness Book Trove

Christmas, cozy mystery, craft, how can I not love this book? Humor, twists and turns, adorable characters make this story truly engaging from the first to the last page. – LibriAmoriMiei

"Take a murder mystery, add some light-hearted humor and weird characters, sprinkle some snow and what you get is Handmade Ho-Ho Homicide—a perfect Christmas Cozy read." –5 stars, The Book Decoder

A Sew Deadly Cruise

"A Sew Deadly Cruise is absolutely delightful, and I was sorry when it was over. I devoured every word!" – Suspense Magazine

"Engaging Drama! Brilliant! A Sew Deadly Cruise earns 5/5 Upgraded Cabins. Winston’s witty first-person narrative and banter keeps me a fan. Loved it!" –Kings River Life Magazine

The author knows how to tell a story with great aplomb and when all was said and done, this was one fantastic whodunit that left me craving for more thrilling adventures. – Dru’s Book Musings

The combo of investigating and fun makes for a great read. The author does a good job of keeping the killer a secret. Overall a fun read that cozy fans are sure to enjoy. – Books a Plenty Book Reviews

Winston has a gift for writing complicated cozy mysteries while entertaining and educating. – Here’s How it Happened

Stitch, Bake, Die!

Lois Winston has crafted another clever tale…with a backdrop of cross stitching, buttercream, bribery, sabotage, rumors, and murder…with vivid descriptions, witty banter, and clever details leading to an exciting and shocking conclusion. All making for a page-turner experience to delight cozy fans. – Kings River Life magazine

…a crème de la crème of a cozy read. – Brianne’s Book Reviews

…a well-plotted mystery that takes the term ‘crafty old lady’ to new heights. – Mysteries with Character

This story is fast-paced with wacky characters, a fun resort setting, and a puzzling mystery to solve. – Nancy J. Cohen, author of the Bad Hair Day Mysteries

Lots of action, a bevy of quirky characters, and a treasure trove of secrets add up to another fine read from Lois Winston. – Maggie Toussaint, author of the Seafood Caper Mysteries, Lindsey & Ike Mysteries, and the Dreamwalker Mysteries

The mystery was nicely executed, with bits and pieces of clues here and there as well as humorous interludes that enhanced the telling of this tale. This is another great addition to this engagingly entertaining series and I’m patiently waiting for the wedding of the century. – Dru’s Book Musings

Dedication

In memory of Karen Davenport, amazing critique partner, friend, and Anastasia’s biggest fan.

Acknowledgments

My everlasting gratitude to the following people who played a part in making the Anastasia Pollack Crafting Mystery series a reality:

To Carolyn Grayson for suggesting I write a crafting mystery and Denise Dumars for finding Anastasia a home.

To authors Mary Kennedy, Kasey Michaels, Brenda Novak, and Hank Phillippi Ryan for taking time out of their busy lives to read Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun and provide such awesome praise.

To my fellow founders of Liberty States Fiction Writers: Gail Freeman, Melinda Leigh, Caridad Pineiro, Kathye Quick, Michele Richter, and Anne Walradt for their friendship and support through all those ups and downs. You ladies rock!

And finally, to Rob, Chris, Scott, Jen, Megan, Jack, Zoe, and Chase for filling my life with love.

ONE

I hate whiners. Always have. So I was doing my damnedest not to become one, in spite of the lollapalooza of a quadruple whammy that had broadsided me last week. Not an easy task, given that one of those lollapalooza whammies had barged into my bedroom and was presently hammering her cane against my bathroom door.

Damn it, Anastasia! Hot water doesn’t grow on trees, you know!

Some people can’t start the day without a cigarette. Lucille Pollack, Monster-in-Law from the Stygian Swamp, can’t start hers without a sludge load of complaints. As much as I detest cigarettes, I’d much prefer a nicotine-puffing mother-in-law, as long as she came with an occasional kind word and a semi-pleasant disposition. Unfortunately, marriage is a package deal. Husbands come with family. And mine came with a doozie to end all doozies.

My mother-in-law is a card-carrying, circa 1930s communist. When she met me, it was hate at first sight. I bear the name of a dead Russian princess, thanks to my mother’s unsubstantiated Romanov link—a great-grandmother with the maiden name of Romanoff. With Mama, the connection is more like sixty, not six, degrees of separation, and the links are coated with a thick layer of rust. But that’s never stopped Mama from bragging about our royal ancestry, and it set the tone for my relationship—or lack of it—with my mother-in-law from Day One.

I suppose I didn’t help the situation by naming one of my sons Nicholas and the other Alexander, even if they were named after my grandfathers—Alexander Periwinkle and Nicholas Sudberry.

My kingdom for a bedroom door lock, I muttered. Not that I had much of a kingdom left. So it would have to be a really cheap lock.

About time, said Lucille as I exited the bathroom amidst a cloud of warm steam. Some people have no consideration of others. Raising one of her Sequoia-like arms, she waved her cane in my face. Those boys of yours have been camped out in the other bathroom for half an hour doing what, I can’t imagine.

Lucille always referred to Nick and Alex as those boys, refusing to use their given names. Like it might corrupt her political sensibilities or something.

Three minutes, she continued ranting. "That’s all it takes me to shower and all it should take any of you. I’m the only person in this house who gives one iota of concern for the earth’s depleting resources."

She landed an elbow to my ribs to push me aside. Manifesto, her runt-of-the-litter French bulldog—or Mephisto, the Devil Dog, as the rest of the family had dubbed the Satan-incarnate canine—followed close on her heels. As he squeezed past me, he raised his wrinkled head and growled.

As soon as they’d both muscled their way into the bathroom, my mother-in-law slammed the door in my face and locked it. God only knows why she needs her dog in the bathroom with her. And if he does know, I hope he continues to spare the rest of us the knowledge.

My Grandma Periwinkle used to say that honeyed words conquered waspish dispositions. However, I doubted all the beehives in North America could produce enough honey to mollify the likes of Lucille. After eighteen years as her daughter-in-law, I still hadn’t succeeded in extracting a single pleasantry from her.

Of all the shocks I sustained over the past week, knowing I was now stuck with Lucille topped the list. Two months ago, she shattered her hip in a hit-and-run accident when an SUV mowed her down while she jaywalked across Queens Boulevard. Her apartment building burned to the ground while she was in the hospital.

Comrade Lucille put her political beliefs above everyone and everything, including common sense. Since she didn’t trust banks, her life savings, along with all her possessions, had gone up in flames. And of course, she didn’t have insurance.

Homeless and penniless, Lucille came to live with us. It won’t be for long, my husband Karl (Lucille had named him after Karl Marx) had assured me. Only until she gets back on her feet.

Literally or figuratively? I asked.

Literally. Karl liked his mother best when two rivers and an hour’s drive separated them. I promise, we’ll find somewhere for her to live, even if we have to pay for it ourselves.

Trusting person that I am—was—I believed him. We had a moderately sized nest egg set aside, and I would have been more than happy to tap into it to settle Lucille into a retirement community. Lucille had recovered from her injuries, although the chances of her now leaving any time soon were as nonexistent as the eggs in that same nest.

Unbeknownst to me—formerly known as Trusting Wife—Karl, who handled the family finances, had not only cracked open, fried, and devoured our nest egg, he’d maxed out our home equity line of credit, borrowed against his life insurance policy, cashed in his 401(k), and drained the kids’ college accounts.

I discovered this financial quagmire within twenty-four hours of learning that my husband, who was supposed to be at a sales meeting in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, had dropped dead on a roulette table at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. The love of my life was a closet gambling addict. He left me and his sons totally broke, up the yin-yang in debt, and saddled with his mother.

If he weren’t already dead, I’d kill him.

Without a doubt, a jury of my peers would rule it justifiable homicide.

With Ralph, our African Grey parrot, keeping a voyeuristic eye on me from his perch atop the armoire, I dried myself off and began to dress for work.

They say the wife is always the last to know. For the past week I’d wracked my brain for signs I might have missed, niggling doubts I may have brushed aside. Even in retrospect, I had no clue of impending cataclysm. Karl was that good. Or maybe I had played my role of Trusting Wife too well. Either way, the result was the same.

Karl and I hadn’t had the best of marriages, but we hadn’t had the worst, either. We might not have had the can’t-wait-to-jump-your-bones hots for each other after so many years, but how many couples did? That sort of love only exists in chick flicks and romance novels. Along with the myth of multiple orgasms. Or so I’d convinced myself years ago.

Besides, after working all day, plus taking care of the kids, the shopping, the carpooling, the cooking and the cleaning, who had the energy to put into even one orgasm most nights? Even for a drop-dead-gorgeous-although-balding-and-slightly-overweight-yet-still-a-hunk husband? Faking it was a lot quicker and easier. And gave me a few extra precious minutes of snooze time.

Still, I thought we’d had a pretty good marriage compared to most other couples we knew, a marriage built on trust and communication. In reality what we had was more like blind trust on my part and a whopping lack of communication on his. Most of all, though, I thought my husband loved me. Apparently he loved Roxie Roulette more.

Could I have been more clueless if I’d tried?

The theme from Rocky sang out from inside the armoire. Dead is dead only for the deceased. The widow, I’m learning, becomes a multitasking juggler of a thousand and one details. Our phone hadn’t stopped ringing since the call from the hotel in Las Vegas.

But this wasn’t the home phone. I opened the armoire and reached for the box of Karl’s personal items the funeral director had given me. No one had bothered to turn off his phone. The display read Private Call. Hello?

Put Karl on.

Excuse me?

Don’t play games with me, Sweet Cheeks. Hand the phone to that slippery weasel. Now.

I’m afraid that’s not possible.

"Make it possible. You tell him Ricardo’s run out of patience, and he’s run out of time."

As an auto parts salesman for a national wholesaler, Karl dealt with his share of lowlife Neanderthals, but Ricardo sounded lower than most of the run-of-the mill Neanderthals in the auto industry.

I wasn’t in the mood for any macho-posturing Soprano wannabe. "If this concerns an order you placed, you’ll have to get in touch

Reviews for Assault with a Deadly Glue Gun

[cubsfan3410 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Fun quick read!

[suefitz1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This looks like this could be a very cute series. I like the fact that there are crafts in general for a change.

Anastasia’s husband sets the ball rolling by falling in his chips. He then leaves behind 2 teenage sons his lovely Communist mother and debt for Anastasia to have to deal with. The debt wasn’t enough, there is a loan shark after her also. To make matters worse (as if they could get any worse) a co-worker Marlys Vanderburg is killed and glued gun to Anastasia’s office chair.

Anastasia becomes the first likely suspect, but their could be so many since Marlys does have her share of enemies. The antics that Anastasia has to go through to get to the killer keeps you reading to see what possibly could happen next.

[fiberfool · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

I gave it 20%, but I was feeling no love for any of the characters and it was requiring too much suspension on disbelief. Really, a mother & daughter both widowed

[applemcg · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A humorous insight into the life of the harried home-maker. I loved the interplay between Anastasia's mother and mother-in-law, and the three of their pets. Her sons fill the role of the oblivious teen. I'll be looking for more development there and the boys adulation of Zack, the "hunk" in the garage. Winston, having graduated from the romance form, knows how to create the necessary sexual tension. While she gets in her digs at our NJ precincts -- "they all use the same pencil stubs to write in the same notebooks" -- they are redeemed in the end. I enjoyed the side-trip to "Horse Thief Falls", MN. While not quite Kiellor-esque, it reminded this MN native of the real "Thief River Falls". I was able to pat myself on the back for having figured out "whodunnit" early, except ! ... the individual I had fingered was actually someone else. This clever plot ploy is not quite, but close to the operatic device of mistaken identity.