Mickey Carter

By Andrew Gilbert

Mickey Carter is dead! It seems he has been dead for over forty years but no one ever told him! Having lived a life of petty crime he died as a result of a burglar alarm electrocuting him. He now has to earn his angel wings by doing good things. Unfortunately Micks Idea of doing good things always seems to involve some of the habits he picked up in his former life.

Claire is another trainee Angel who gets lumbered with Mickey and between them they stumble forward while awaiting their appointment with the Angel review board. Yeah it gets messy and all the while they have to worry about Logan. It's a good yarn and worht your while to read!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andrew Gilbert
• Release date: Mar 26, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224383481

Andrew Gilbert

Andy has been writing for the last twenty years and has written a number of books over a wide variety of genre. His first book Sold over 5000 copies and he continues to write on whatever the mood takes him. Currently he  is finishing Books on the crime scene in Rotorua, New Zealand. As always his books are not meant to be taken seriously. If you haven't laughed today, read one of Andy's books!

Book preview

Chapter 1

What the hell happened there? Don’t tell me I fell asleep?

I’ll have to give myself a good talking to. Concentrate on the job, Mickey.

Oh. hello Readers. Do me a favour and keep it quiet, will you? I’m in the middle of a job and I’m finding it very hard to concentrate. Oh yeah. Let me introduce myself. If you’re here for the ride, you might as well know about me. I’m Mickey Carter. Entrepreneur and tealeaf. If you combine the two, I might come across as a bit of an opportunist, which wouldn’t be too far off the mark That’ll probably do for now. Now, where was I up to?

I’m turning this gaffe over and I’m working on cutting out the alarm. Then what happened? Right, yeah, now I remember. I was cutting the wiring on the alarm. First, it’s cut the red wire and then, no, not the red, it was cut the blue first and then pull the red over to the yellow wire, wasn’t it? That’s the ticket. I must have touched the wires and got a belt from them. It must have knocked me out for a second or two. Crikey I feel stiff. I wonder how long I was out for. It could have been bad that, the owners could have come home and found me, stretched out on their hall carpet, out for the count. Cripes, wouldn’t that have given the Old Bill a laugh.

It’s strange that is, the AH-18 alarm system only runs on 12-volt batteries. So, what gave me a belt to put me out then? I’ll give it another go.

Ah, that’s why I got a belt from the electric. It’s not the AH-18 system after all. I’ve never seen this one before. What’s this one called? The Millennium Guard 2008. I must be losing my touch here, if I never spotted the difference. It’s like I’m coming out of a dream, and everything’s changed since I went to sleep. Why is my torch on? I don’t need it if the hall lights are on. Get with the game. Oh cripes, if the lights are on, someone must be home! You idiot, Mick, you must have been knocked out by the electric and passed out. Now there’s someone home. For crying out loud, concentrate will you, and then calm down. Play it smart Mick, do this place another day. Grab your gear and ease on out of the front door, quietly. Then you can take it on your toes and get back to the pub with no one the wiser.

Is there anybody there? 

Who said that? Cripes they must have heard me! Soddit, if just one thing goes wrong, it all goes downhill!

We know you are there. Please join us and make yourself known to us.

Why don’t they just come into the Hallway and grab me?

Now what? Where are they? That voice is coming from the front room. That was the dining room, wasn’t it? Can I leg it out the front door before they grab me?

We know you are there. Come and join us. Be among your friends, now.

I won’t be among friends when they see what I’ve already got in the bag, there’s a bit of nice silver in the bag already. Worth a few bob, that is. I should clear a ton on that. It’s enough to keep us going for three weeks is a hundred quid.

Come and join us. We are waiting for you. Alan’s here and wants to speak to you.

Allan? Not Allan Mac. No, it’s not Alan. He’s not Alan, he’s an Alistair. Don’t say he was doing the same gaffe as well and got nicked. Oh hell. I hate working with amateurs. They can’t have let the Old Bill know or they’d be out here talking to me, wouldn’t they? What is happening here? Concentrate, Mick, or you’ll be up for some serious porridge if you get nicked.

Come and join us, Allan wants to ask you a question.

Allan? I don’t know any Allan. Ally Mac, if this is a set up, you are in big trouble, sunshine!

Anybody there?

I’d better let on that I heard them. Yeah, all right, missus, I’m on my way in. No trouble though or I’m off. Right!

I might as well grab that little picture frame. What are they worth now? Might be worth a five. It looks like silver.  Five quid divided by six bob a pint that’s, er, three and a bit into the quid, times five, that’s er, that’s a decent night in the boozer, that is. I’ll just drop it into the bag, then. Where’s the bag gone? Oh hell! Where’s my bloody bag gone? Don’t say they’ve got my bag.  This is turning out to be a real cockup. Right, that’s it! I’m going in then. I have to get my bag back. It’s got my name on it!

Join us, friend, we are all waiting.

Hold your hurry, woman. I’m on my way! Geez she’d be a pushy bitch, whoever it is.

Cripes, this is not on at all. You’re losing your touch, Mick. You’re getting too old for this caper. Fancy getting caught by the owner! Fancy kipping on the job! You’re definitely getting too old for this lark, Mick!

I walked on down the hallway into the dining room. I spotted a nice original on the wall; I hadn’t noticed that one, on the way in. What the hell’s that on the table? Looks like one of them new phones. I’ve not seen one of them before. It must be one of them new American jobbies. There’s no dial on it. It’s all push button numbers instead of dialling. I saw one just like that on the telly last week. I’d better leave it alone. It will be too easy to trace. There wouldn’t be that many of them around here with push buttons instead of a dial. That painting’s still on the list though if I make a return visit. Where the heck is my bloody bag? Is there anything in there that ties back to me? I’ll skin that Ally Mac if he’s set me up, the lying little Jock!

Join us, please?

Cripes! I’m on my way, missus! I’m coming, aren’t I?

I go into the dining room and it’s in half darkness. There are six of them sat round a table holding hands and a few more stood around behind them doing nothing. Hey, it must be one of those kinky sex parties and I’ve been invited to share in the goodies. Keys in the middle and we all take it from there. Speaking of keys, where are my keys? Where did I park my motor? Cripes, it’s half a mile away, same as usual.  I always park well away from the job. You never let the Old Bill tie you down to a job cos they spotted your motor. Okay, Ally Mac’s not here so what’s going down then?

The Old bird who’d been telling me to come in gave me a smile and spoke to the others. He’s here, everybody. Tell me, friend, what is your name?

Mick, the name’s Mick. Er, what’s yours, then?

I am called Madame June. And I am your host tonight. Everybody, our new visitor is called Mick and he just asked me what my name is. Mick, do you have anything for us, or do you have something you want to give to one of our groups?"

It looks like one of those wives swapping set ups so I might as well chance my luck.

Well, if I get a choice, I wouldn’t mind giving some time to the bird with the red tee shirt. That’s if we all get to choose, of course. And if she doesn’t mind.

The old bird gave me a funny look. Mick, her name is Anne. Go and stand behind Anne, please. The rest of the visitors may stand behind your partners now, please. Thank you, Mick. Now, people, you may speak to your visitors and try to communicate with them. Guests. Please listen carefully to see if you can hear our visitors when they try to make contact back to you.

Well, I’m not the shy type and if there’s a chance of a bit of a cheeky leg over, I don’t need to be asked twice. Um, Anne, is it? Hi Anne. Mick’s the name and I live round here. Well not exactly round here, but not that far away. Look love, I’m not used to what goes on at these kinds of parties. The truth is that I’ve not been to one before. What happens now, do we, er, just get down to it or do we have a few drinks first, and then get into it?

She didn’t reply. Maybe I was a bit too forward for her. I tried again.

Yeah, I’m sorry about that, Anne. Soon as I walked in I spotted your ti..., your tee shirt and I thought to myself that you looked like a really attractive young bird that I wouldn’t mind hopping into bed with. So, what happens now then, Anne?

She can’t hear you, you thicko. said a voice from the other side of the table. It was a bird’s voice, but I didn’t look up at her.

What, deaf is she, then? Should I speak up a bit or what? I don’t know any Braille.

This bird on the other side of the table is getting a bit cheeky for my liking. Now she gave me another few words of advice.

Braille is for blind people. Dummy. She can’t hear cos you aren’t speaking to her ear are you. It’s the inner spirit thing, isn’t it? Weren’t you listening when they taught you this stuff?

What? Chatting up birds? I taught the subject, love. How are you getting on with your boyfriend, then?

Now I looked across at the bird that was giving me the verbals, I noticed she was quite a tasty number as well. I wonder if I should try and jump in with her and let deaf Annie here go with the other bird’s partner. Holy cripes!! Her partner is the Old Bill. He’s wearing a bloody Old Bill shirt. This is a stitch up! What’s the Old Bill doing at a wife swapping party? Is he Old Bill or is it one of those fetish things? You know. Whips and nurse’s uniforms and stuff? This could turn out to be a fun evening if I don’t stuff it up.

You’re not really with the plot here, are you, Mick? said the Old Bill’s partner, First time, is it?

At one of these sex parties? Give over, it’s every weekend for me, this is. Thought it might be Anne’s first time, is why I was asking.

Sex party! It’s not a damn sex party. I wish it were! No, it’s a .... Omigod! You don’t know you’re dead, do you? Then the silly tart starts giggling.

I thought I’d better put the mouthy bird in her place and get back to working on Annie. Leave it out, lady. If I’m dead, then this Anne certainly looks heavenly all right. She plays her cards right and I’ll be showing her a bit of heaven tonight.

Mick, you’re dead, you silly sod! This is a séance and Madame June over there is a medium. No use copping a feel with your bird cos she can’t see you or hear you. Then she’s off giggling again. Silly tart!

I turned to Madame June who’s looking on with a smile on her face Will someone tell her to shut up. I’m trying to make some time with young Annie here.

I’m getting a bit iffy with this bird on the other side of the table. Dead? Me? Leave it out! I’d know if I was dead, wouldn’t I?

Mick, Claire is telling the truth! You’re a spirit and I summoned you tonight. Now this Madame June bird is getting in on the joke.

No bugger summoned me. I came here tonight to turn this gaffe over. Get some cash and head down to London to see Charles and whatsisname get married. Don’t give me your baloney, lady. Now, if you’ll give me some space, I’ll get back to young Anne here and show her what a real man, a real live man, can do for her.

Madame June is getting excited. I have got a new on, everybody. A first timer and he’s standing behind Anne. Stay calm, everybody. We don’t want to frighten him. Mick, do you have anything you want to say to us?

Yeah, you all belong in the bloody loony bin, I’m off. Nice knowing you! I know it wasn’t polite, but this Madame June and her mate have fair killed my romantic mood. I’m ready to leave and looking round for my bag. I still can’t see it so I decide to just make like the tree and leave.

One or two of the others, the ones that are standing up are trying to tell me to hang on. Claire runs in front of me to stop me and goes straight through the door without opening it, cripes; I followed her through, not thinking like, and smacked my beak on the door and bounced backwards and hit the deck.

Madame June is telling her guests to calm down, though they aren’t doing anything. Claire comes back through the door, and I’m sat on the floor trying not to drip blood on the carpet. I’d read somewhere that the Old Bill can trace you through your blood type.

Mick said Claire, You must be a mover; you can’t go through walls and stuff. How’s your nose? Yuk! It looks messy.

Thanks very much! You’re no oil painting yourself. Hang on, if I’m bloody dead, how come my nose hurts so much, then?

Search me, Pal. Ask Logan about that, he knows everything. How come you didn’t you know you were dead, Mick?

Cos I’m not bloody dead is why, Lady. My name is Mick and I’m turning this place over so I can get some cash and see Chas and his bird, Lady Di, get married on Saturday, so stop the ‘Mick is dead’ crap right!

What date is it, Mick?

I dunno, July something. July nineteenth, maybe?

No Mick, what year?

Persistent bitch isn’t she!

1981 of course!

Mick, it’s August 22nd, 2024.

Did he get married?

Madame June chipped in with I think so, Mick but that was, like, Forty odd years ago. No, make that 43 odd years ago.

I can’t be dead. I’m here. I’m here with your lot. Does that make all you lot dead?

We are, Madame June and the Beings at the table are still alive but we are.... er.... What are we guys? .... Ghosts?

That’s what he’ll understand Claire. said Madame June, who was now kneeling beside me. Don’t tell him you are all Andels yet.  You don’t want to worry him too soon.

You don’t want to worry me! Don’t you think being dead is spoiling my day enough? Was it good then, the wedding?

What’s happening here, then? It’s not a sex party. It does look like a séance thing, anyway. Crystal ball on the table. That Madame June looks like a space cowboy in her get up. Shawl and scarf and all the works. Hang on; when I heard her saying ‘is anybody there’, she was summoning the spirits. I’ve seen all that stuff on Whickers World once, didn’t I? It was something like that.

I can’t be dead! Someone would have told me, wouldn’t they? And anyway, what am I doing here then? This is the gaffe I was turning over when I got the belt from the Alarm. Now I look at it, it does look a bit different. It’s the same place and everything, but I don’t remember this carpet and stuff. I might have had a go at lifting this carpet. Nice quality. Holy hell, look at the size of the Telly! Must be at least 50 inches, that one. Worth a few bob is that if I can get it on the van.

Mick, has your nose stopped bleeding yet? Now the mouthy bird is doing the Florence Nightingale bit. To be fair, she does look a bit concerned about me.

Eh? Oh yeah, thanks. Hang on, it’s you again. Don’t tell me, it’s Claire, isn’t it! What’s your game then? What’s this dead thing all about?

Mick. Now the silly tart is giggling again, Mick, it’s not a joke, you’re dead and you’re a ghost, sort of, and Madame June summoned you here tonight. She’s very talented.

She only summoned me from the bloody hallway. That wouldn’t take a lot of talent, would it!

Good evening, Mick. My name is Logan and I’m afraid that Claire is correct. You are dead and have been for, let me see, just over 44 years now.

Now there’s a new player in the room with us. He’s a little guy. When I say little, he’s maybe a foot tall. No, he might be a bit bigger than that but not much. I’m sat on my backside on the floor and he’s standing up and doesn’t quite come up to my shoulders. Okay, now I’m at least ready to accept I’m having a bad dream.

This bloke’s maybe fourteen inches tall. He’s looking at a folder in his hand. He seems to have my details down on paper. That can’t be good, can it?

No disrespect intended, Claire, but who’s the Leprechaun?

If you prefer this, Mick, it’s fine with me. Then he just grows until he’s, my size. All in about two seconds. Now he’s my size and he’s helping me stand up. He just grew from, like, a foot tall to nearly six foot tall. I must have smoked something really strong or really cheap to get a trip like this one. Who sold me that last lot? Probably Ally Mac!

Michael John Carter. Now he’s reading from a clipboard,

Born 7 June 1960 to Mary and Allan Carter of Cambridge. Schooling was at ...

Ok. Anyone can lift my sheet from the Old Bill. Proves nothing, does that!

He flipped to the second page.

Your first girlfriend was Helen Ann Thomas from Wenderly Secondary High, and behind the Black Swan was your first....

Okay, you pulled my file. What is this, like? The file on me? Like the day of judgement file?

Pretty much, Mick, it says you prefer to be called Mick on your file, is that still fine?  Mick, your day of judgement was way back on, let me see, it says August 30, 1983. You didn’t pass, Mick. Where’ve you been since then?

I’ve been nowhere. I just got a smack from the electric when I cut the alarm cables. That was, what, a couple of hours ago maybe. Knocked me out it did.

Sorry Mick that was back in July 1981. Don’t tell me you’ve been in hospital ever since. Ah yes, here it is. Good heavens, tell me, Mick, does the name Nurse Angela mean anything to you?

Nurse Angela, oh yeah. OH! Oh yeah. That’s not on the file, is it?

Not in any detail, Mick, the file only covers your Physical life records. Nurse Angela was assigned to your recovery room, but you evidently, er, how should I put this Mick?

Not in front of the lady, is how you should put it. Last thing I remember from her was a smack on the hand for er...

I’m getting this sinking feeling that I might really be dead. I’m starting to remember things that don’t seem to have happened in my lifetime. Logan’s talking away and I‘m not really listening to him. If I’m really dead, this day is turning out to be a real downer. Logan has stopped talking when he realises, he hasn’t got my attention anymore. I turn to look at him to see if he is still as tall as me. Maybe it was just my imagination that he grew in front of my eyes.

Right, said Logan. Maybe he figured I was ready for more information. That’s enough details, Mick. So, you’ve been lost in the system since then. Amazing how you managed to get away with it for so long. Mick, you’ve been in the Andel state for over forty years and haven’t done a single thing about it. Now you’d better start making up some time, Mick, don’t you think?

Hang about, Bogan, What I reckon is ...

Logan, Mick, its Logan.

Whatever, Bogan, Logan. What are you on about? It’s not my fault if your files are up the spout is it!

It doesn’t work that way, Mick. Claire, perhaps you can help Mick on this one.

Claire is backing away. "It’s not my problem, Logan. But I’ll try. Mick, I’ll put it as simply as I can. When you were alive you were a ratbag. Probably a real Scumbag if you want to know the truth. When you croaked you didn’t measure up well enough to get up to the next plane, so you have to spend some time working as an Andel until you get some good marks and then they review your case again. You’ve been skiving off somewhere for the last forty odd