The Scatterings of Yesterday

By Chad Sexton

Chase Saxton has been living a lie. He is gay, and he wants to come out to his parents, at last. He hopes he'll have their support, but it is a chance that he feels like he must take--whatever way it may go. He does have the undying support and love from his adored aunt. Once Chase comes out to his parents, many things change in his life, and it

• Language: English
• Publisher: AMZ Kindle Direct Publications
• Release date: Mar 21, 2024
• ISBN: 9798869269010

Book preview

Chapter One

It was one of those days when the weather was so

Delightful; beautiful bright blue skies, unseasonably warm temperatures for mid-March, and it just felt like perfection, as if nothing could go wrong that day. As I admired the cerulean sky, I instinctively smiled. I only hoped that the seeming perfection of the day was a prelude to a positive outcome for something I had to do that day.

My initial thought that morning was to visit my Auntie Chrissy for support. I needed someone strong, and someone that loved and cared about me, and someone to embrace me, and to encourage me and tell me that I was doing the right thing. I knew that this person was Chrissy. Chrissy was my support angel. She was the person I leaned on more than anyone else.

An impromptu visit was the best, under the circumstances. To call and advise Chrissy I was on my way over, would be followed by questions:  Oh absolutely, come by, is there anything the matter? Are you okay? Yes, this would be all out of concern, but it may bring thoughts in my mind, and then I may find myself backing out of what needed to be done—as difficult as it was.

When I arrived at Chrissy’s apartment, she greeted me with a smile and a kiss to the cheek. She was obviously happy to see me, and this, too, made me smile. My aunt was so very special to me; our relationship was unbreakable.

Chrissy was a lovely lady. She had just recently turned forty, and she embraced it well. She looked like a younger version of my mother Monica, sandy blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, full lips, and without the help of lip filler injections; she was eloquently attractive—but in a wholesome 1960’s Laura Petrie sort of way. And I certainly had inherited the good looks that my mother and my aunt had. I was six-foot, lean physique, full lips, prominent eyebrows, handsome face, and a brilliant white smile, and I had a crop of dark brown hair, that had at one time been blonde. I felt lucky in this aspect of my life. I loved to be walking down the street, and turn heads—it happened—and I ate it up, and hoped it would never recede.

Chrissy had recently divorced her imperious, mentally abusive husband. The alluringly handsome and cavalier, Decker Bonhart. She had moved into this apartment because even though she was granted the house they had shared in the divorce proceedings, there were too many flawed memories there, and she could not stand the way it made her feel. She felt as if she had to escape those toxic reminders and find a new way of life—without Decker Bonhart—the man that stole her heart but riddled her soul with venom and discord.

Decker had also been a cheater, and this had rocked my auntie to the core. This made her feel unattractive and undesirable, which was the furthermost from the truth, nevertheless, this was how his deception made her feel, and it would take time to replenish anything positive from the divorce. But one day she would, and I was certain her tenacity would pave the way to resolve. And one day she would even date again, even though she had said that she would never date again. Ever! Decker had hurt her too badly, and she promised herself she would never let that happen again, and in her mind, this meant she could never date again.

It's time, Chrissy? I said to her, and she immediately knew what I meant.

She produced a heartwarming smile. She was my support angel. And I needed her every step of the way. I want to say I agree with you, but are you sure about this, Chase? The expression on her face was soft but riddled with concern.

This was a typical response from Chrissy. Truly she wanted me to do this, and truly she hoped that it would be met with encouraging results, but her qualms were that it would not be met encouragingly, and it would destroy my spirit. However, in any situation, this may be the outcome, it was merely a change that had to be taken. And I was dead-set in it.

Chrissy, I have to. I want to be me. I am sick and tired of living a lie. It hurts my soul, I told her enduringly.

She grasped my hand in hers and squeezed it lightly. I know, Babyboy. I want you to be happy, and I know this is scarring you—

—but…

Oh, honey, there isn’t a but, and you know that I support you one hundred percent.

But?

Chase, what if…well, what if they do not take it acceptingly. Then what? Will you be able to move on with that? Can you endure the hurt and anguish that it will bring to you?

I shrugged. I had thought about this. It had rolled around in my head for too long, but it was a chance I had to take. I did not want to live this lie any longer. I am gay. I have always been gay, and I want the world to know. Plain and simple. Period. End of story.

How would they not already know, Chrissy? This was a fair question. The signs were there. The signs had been there since I took my first steps.

And the question caught Chrissy off guard. It seemed to fluster her. She sighed, and said, Well, Chase, I have thought about this, and I think I know.

Please enlighten me, I said. However, I could tell that she didn’t want to tell me, but another part of her knew that she needed to.

I just cannot bear to see you hurting, Chase, she said evadingly.

I know. But you know something Chrissy, I am hurting now. Do you know how exhausting and how hurtful it is living a lie? I do not want to do this any longer. I can’t do this any longer.

She nodded. She didn’t know from my perspective, but she did understand. She knew the pain that this caused me, but her loving concern was that if my parents abandoned me, it may be more than I could take. But I didn’t feel this way. I was too strong for that. I know, Babyboy. There’s something that bothers me, though, and I may be wrong, but I know my sister very well.

And?

Well, to be quite candid, Chase, your mother has had conversations with me about you. She had always said that she knew that you were different from other little boys when you were growing up. As a child, you were quite effeminate; throughout school all your friends were always girls, you’d prefer to play with dolls instead of trucks and cars. You know little things like this. It never concerned her, though, she always said that it was a stage you were going through, and that you would grow out of it. During high school, she thought it was odd that you were not dating, and that you did not attend the prom with a lovely young lady. She’d say things like My god, Chase is so incredibly handsome, but he doesn’t date. It seems like he has no interest in girls whatsoever. Any girl would be gaga to have him as their boyfriend. But again, she made comments that you were just a late bloomer. Little things like this—little things that did not make sense, but somehow made perfect sense to her.

I had no idea where Chrissy was going with this. Everything that she had told me, I already knew. In fact, I remember the conversations with Mom as if we had them yesterday: Who are you taking to the prom, sweetheart? Any young lady would be lucky to go to the prom with you. Same conversation my junior and senior year of high school. I would merely shrug—uncomfortably and felt like I wanted to hide in a faraway cave. 

She continued, though, Your mother adores you, Chase. And I know you know this, right?

Yes, of course I knew this. Mother and I had always had a close-knit relationship. It’s just that I was living a secret life, and it was time for her to know the real me. I adore my mother too, I said. What is it that you’re not telling me Chrissy?

She sighed lightly. Chase, it is my belief that your mother knows that you’re gay. The issue is, though, that she just cannot bring herself to believe that it is true. I think she has known all along that you’ve been gay. This is my belief. It’s just that…well…

I read between the lines, and I knew what Chrissy was saying. I see, I said. So, if Mom is forced to know the truth about my sexuality, she will not be able to accept it because of her religious principles.

The look painted on Chrissy’s face was that of uncertainty. Chase, I don’t know. I want to say no, but it’s her religious convictions, like you said, which are so relentless and deep seeded.  So meshed in her psyche that it will never waiver, she paused, and then added affectively, she is brainwashed.

Her religious convictions are bullshit. You cannot pick and choose what is written in the Bible to condemn someone.

I know, Chase, and my hope is that she will not force these convictions on you, she said sucking back tears. I…I just do not know what I will do if she does.

I wasn’t certain how to respond, so I didn’t. I knew if I were to respond that I would say the wrong thing, and it would only affect Chrissy emotionally, and I did not want that to happen. I pushed back my own emotions that were building like an epic flood; I gnawed on the tip of my tongue to find resolution, it didn’t quite work, but I had to roll with the punches and hope it faded away.

She smiled at me. Her smile was weak, though. Do you want me to go with you? she asked with a whirl of emotion.

I shook my head. "No. I have to