Triage: Dispatches from Upstairs, #3

By Sara Ruch

Several months of self-imposed solitude and a steady diet of lentil soup has Naoma Bhatt ready for some closure on her past so she can finally start planning her future. She's mended her relationship with Revati, and even picked up a handful of friends along the way. But when Ram disappears under mysterious circumstances, she'll need every skill she's ever learned in order to save him. Again. Is she truly ready to leave the past aside and fight for her future? 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sara Ruch
• Release date: Mar 18, 2024
• ISBN: 9781735573151

Book preview

one

naoma

Ram, I half-whispered. My nose recognized his scent immediately—equal parts earthy and divine. My body relaxed into the feel of his strong hands—one was holding my hand, and the other lightly caressing my cheek. My eyes fluttered open and I began to take a visual inventory of his face where it hovered near mine. His hair had grown out. It was pulled back, revealing his gorgeous dark brown eyes with a hint of gold, heavily fringed with eyelashes. But in the soft light of the small bedside lamp, I could see tears gathering and glistening in them as he kneeled at my bedside. A few escapees glittered a path down his rounded cheeks and soft, smooth, stubble-free skin.

What's wrong? I tensed a bit in concern and squeezed his hand back, ready to fight whatever made him so sad.

Chuli, he said. His eyes went wide and his hands recoiled from me as if I had burned him. He stood up and backed a few feet away from me.

It's you, Girl. YOU made him so sad, Revati said, scorn in her voice.

What? I mentally asked her, but dread was beginning to take hold.

I was finally able to tell him the truth while you messed about in the stupid, boring Shadowlands! She said, triumph in her voice, the one that only I could hear. Except it seemed that Ram had somehow heard her this time too.

And just like that, everything came crashing down.

I can explain… I was going to tell you as soon as I saw you, I swear! I said as I sat up, swung my legs around the side and stood so I could approach him, I’m not sure what for. I guess I wanted to comfort him? Fat chance. He backed a few more steps away.

Don’t touch me, Chuli, DON’T⁠—

I’m so, so sorry! Really! I’m really, really sorry. This isn't how I wanted this to go. I started to cry. I couldn’t help it.

What did you say to him? I frantically asked Revati. If I knew what she had told him, maybe I could repair the damage somehow. But she didn't answer. Instead she fell entirely silent, willing to watch this conversation from the sidelines, I suppose.

WHY? HOW!? How could— I held a funeral for her! I shaved my head, I grieved! And she was right here. RIGHT HERE?

I know, I’m sorry! But she wasn’t always! She wasn’t, at first! I didn’t lie to you, back at the safe house. I didn't!

How long? His voice got quiet, with an edge.

What?

How long has she been awake, Chuli?

Um... I said, mentally calculating the math, since right after you left, the first time. It’s the end of April, so… a little over a year now, I guess?

It’s really been a whole year? I thought, amazed at how fast the time had gone by.

Yes, a whole year! You’ve been hiding me for a YEAR, Girl!

I’m sorry, please, gods, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I know! I know!

Is she—she’s talking to you right now? He asked.

I nodded.

Can she hear me? And see me? Always?

I nodded again.

Wh— he cut himself off and scoffed again. I⁠—

My brain bounced around in the sea of emotions that began racing around my head, landing on anger as a defense. You did it to me FIRST! I screamed. You never told me who I was to you! I had to figure it out myself! I didn’t fully realize how much I resented the secrets that cursed our relationship from the beginning until now.

I thought she was dead! I didn’t want you to think that was the only reason I— He stopped short, probably remembering that Revati was also listening to everything he said.

How could I explain anything to you when you weren't HERE?!

Now that my anger was out, there was no stopping it, but I tried anyway. Before he could interrupt, I tried to calm down and explain.

I couldn't tell you at first, I said, as my mind cataloged all the excuses, all the reasons I had for not telling him, because you were gone. For six whole months, you were nowhere!

I couldn't be here! We would have been killed! Or did you already forget about the injunction?

I didn't forget, I said, a trace of bitterness in my voice. I would never forget the warring emotions that took place inside me when I first saw him again in Vegas, only to have him completely ignore me, as if I was below his notice.

I would also never forget what it felt like to stare down the open end of the silencer attached to the gun Agent Webber pointed at me, the cold, hard metal pressed against my forehead as I screamed in pain and frustration, daring him to kill me, not having any understanding of why he'd turned on me too. I'd been trying to work through the physical violence, betrayal, and death that had swirled around me, especially on that final day in Vegas. But I was still in the earlier stages of my healing journey.

Afterwards, I was pretty messed up from, you know, everything that happened, I said.

You were too busy trying to get your next fix to tell me, I suppose, he said. His voice was measured and eerily calm now.

What? Now I was just confused.

No more denials, Chuli. Let's speak clearly. You had a drug problem. You were wasted all the time at the casino. And then you ran away from me and locked yourself in the bedroom and overdosed. Was it Intro? Did he get you hooked on them?

His tone changed to a slightly patronizing one, as if I was some dumb woman who got bamboozled and hooked on drugs like an actor in one of those cheesy anti-drug propaganda videos they played in high school health classes, betrayed by the first hot guy I stumbled across once he was gone.

I didn't—that's not what— I stopped talking and took a pause to absorb the blow of his words.

There was no point trying to convince him of the truth. I didn't know what stung more— the fact that Ram assumed I was a drug addict, or the fact that I WAS a dumb woman who got betrayed by the first man who showed an interest in me after he left. He just got the details wrong.

Had I done some drugs on my mission? Yes. Exactly two. Echidna's kiss, which was entirely accidental, and iboga, which was strictly an agent used to separate Revati and me. Yes, I had used alcohol as a crutch, but I hadn't had a drink since the casino, nearly six months ago. I certainly did not have a drug problem.

I decided to bring the conversation back to the topic at hand and continued as if he hadn't interrupted me.

"Afterwards, I was pretty messed up from my role as an undercover officer of the High Order, I emphasized, my words increasing in volume again. I didn't even have two weeks to figure it out before you left. AGAIN. After promising me you were there for me as long as I needed." I managed to make my voice stronger and calmer than I felt inside. Inside, I wanted to crumble.

Of course I left. You know I hate drugs. You didn't want me hovering, watching you deal with your shame and embarrassment over your reckless behavior and sexual exploits once you got the drugs out of your system. You needed time.

Sexual exploits? Wow. I shook my head. And do you judge yourself as harshly? If I recall, only one of us was there willingly selling drugs to the cartel.

He didn't try to deny it. He knew I saw him pass the Intro test, so he must have been fine with selling drugs. Soma doesn't count. It's just like Ritalin. Besides, I needed a way in so I could take them down.

I frantically wiped at my face. I did not want to cry anymore. In the dozens of letters and text messages we'd shared since he'd gone back to India, he hadn't once mentioned my shameful behaviors. This is so messed up. You don't know me at all, do you? Did you ever once think I might have felt differently about my time there?

Yes, it is MESSED UP, Chuli. Maybe I DON'T know you, or how you FEEL. After all, you hid MY WIFE from me. My beautiful, sweet, graceful, loyal— His voice cracked as he said this last part, and his earlier tears reappeared. —wife. How about we think about how SHE felt for a moment?

He held out his hand, and began to count on his fingers as he spoke. First, I disappeared on her for months, because I was high on Veruni, making an ass out of myself and a mockery of our marriage in the Yamuna. His voice recovered from crying enough to raise in anger once more, except this time, I suspected it was directed at himself for the way he acted, despite the fact that it wasn't his fault that Zahhak had drugged him at the river.

He held out a second finger. Next, she was betrayed by her official healer, who tricked her into taking the herbs of the Lost before he pushed her off a cliff, trapping her on Earth as a Lost for eternity, effectively murdering her.

The horror of what happened to her began to sink into my bones as he held his third finger up. Next, she was reunited with me here, only to have our Upstairs connection completely severed when you cut us with that knife and forced me to drink from that vile cup. He took a breath and squeezed his eyes shut, as if it greatly pained him to think about what happened in the mine. I understood that pain quite well. It was the stuff my nightmares were made of, quite literally.

He held up his fourth finger. "Afterwards, she awakened, and you say it was after I left. But she knows our history, right? She knows and sees everything you do? Everything that we… did… together?"

I nodded, attempting to tamp down the sick feeling turning in my stomach as I thought about the situation, and how Revati awakened immediately after our night of lovemaking, when he left his wedding ring on the nightstand, and I was still lying in bed, basking in our scents mingling on the sheets. I was tempted to fidget with his ring where it still hung around my neck with all the others. It was a nervous habit I had, but I forced my hands to stay at my sides.

He held out his whole hand, palm open, for number five. Once I was gone, she too went through everything you just went through in Vegas. Knowing my wife, she was probably appalled to be traipsing around in a scantily-clad body, getting wasted and making out with everyone in the vicinity.

I felt heat creep up in my cheeks at this even ruder assessment of my behavior, but he was right, Revati had been scandalized by all of it.

And finally, he said, holding his other thumb up, in the most mocking, scornful thumbs-up in the history of thumbs-ups, Since the injunction ended, she has been watching me court you, unable, until now, to tell me she is alive. She's been forced to watch me let her go while I fell in love with YOU! His voice escalated as he spoke, transforming the last statement into more of an accusation than a proclamation.

A fresh wave of horror and guilt slammed into me, especially when Revati finally broke her silence and started crying again. How could I have been so selfish and cruel to her after everything she had gone through? What kind of monster had I become?

Gods, Revati, I am so, so sorry. I'll make it up to you, I swear!

He began speaking again, this time in a language I didn't know, and didn't dare ask him to translate. These words were only for Revati. His voice carried so much care, so much tenderness. It was a tone I'd never heard him use before. He trembled and he occasionally stopped to cry as he spoke.

Finally, he closed his eyes to hide the pain showing there and wiped his face. When he opened his eyes again, his old, brusk demeanor was back.

I followed him as he walked the short distance to the door, desperation pushing to the surface. So you're just going to leave again? You just got here! Please, let's just figure this out, ok?

I have nothing left to say to you right now, Chuli. I can't even look at you. I need some time to process. He left, his actions following his words—he wouldn't even look at me. All of my hopes that this could be resolved left with him.

I paced for a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed, letting out a sob that was nearly primal in its anguish. I felt like the worst, shittiest person in the whole world.

Relax, Girl. He’ll be back tomorrow. We’ll figure it out. Revati's voice took a soothing, motherly tone.

You shouldn't comfort me. I deserve to suffer after how horrible I’ve been to you. Besides, why would he come back tomorrow? He hates me. He can't even look at me.

He told me he would. He can’t ignore you without ignoring me, so he’s not going to cut you out of his life. You and I, we’re a team. I don’t like it, and you don’t like it, but it’s true. Tomorrow, we will figure it out. But for now, go to the Shadowlands if you can’t stop crying. I tire of your hysterics.

MY hysterics!? You are the queen of dramatic episodes! I snapped at her, but then a fresh wave of guilt hit me for yelling at her. Gods, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!

No, you’re right. I AM the queen of hysterics. You're awful at it, so just stop.

I stood up again, and went to the small sink in my tiny cabin kitchen, and splashed water on my face to try to get my feelings under control enough to have a rational conversation with her.

What happened, anyway? How did he find out?

I finally had enough strength to use your voice to talk to him! I've been practicing taking over your body, but I only had a few minutes. It's hard to get you out of the bed—that mattress kind of sinks in, you know? So I got right to the point.

Wait- you take over my body while I'm in the Shadowlands!? I asked her as I hovered over the sink, my face still wet.

Suddenly, her cheerful demeanor after every trip I made to the Shadowlands made more sense. I'd assumed it was because my regular evening trips there gave us both the break we needed from each other. Revati claimed my body was in a sleep-like state during my spiritual travel, or whatever it was considered. She didn't mention she was using the opportunity to practice taking over my body, which was a whole other layer of disturbing.

I tried to recall how many times my body was in a different place on the bed when I got back, but it was hard to think back on something I hadn't known I should have been paying attention to.

Listen, Girl. I was going to tell you eventually. I wanted to make sure I could explain it properly, so you wouldn't panic at the thought of someone taking over your body like Zach did with the Veruni.

My senses at the moment were too overwhelmed by everything else to process this, but as if the feeling was only waiting to be named aloud before it made an entrance, panic did, indeed, threaten to consume me with this comparison.

Before you get yourself all worked up again, remember, I was waiting because I was considering your feelings, much like you were waiting to tell Ram about me for the same reasons.

Karma was not on my side today. I grabbed my hand towel from its place on the stove front and dabbed at my face, holding it over my eyes as if I was trying to dry up a stubborn leak.

Let me tell you what happened, ok? He knocked, and I just knew it was him! I'm still not strong enough to lift your whole body, but I could yell! And he came right in to help, and that’s when I told him I was here, and trapped, and you wouldn’t tell him even though you promised you would. And then you came back.

This was what I got for waiting to tell him. My heart hurt even further as I pictured Ram, knocking at the door, excited to see me, and instead, hearing his dead wife's voice come out of me, explaining she was trapped there and I hadn't told him. No wonder he couldn't look at me.

But yet, Revati was right. If he wanted to talk to her, he still had to go through me. We were a team. A horrible team who did terrible things to each other, but a team nonetheless.

I’m just so sorry, Revati. For all of it. I’m a terrible person! I felt the guilt and shame hit me all over again, nearly choking me.

Go. Please, just take your little rock and go. We need a break from each other.

But you take over my bod⁠—

I promise I won’t try again tonight. Besides, what would I do? He’s gone. I just want to be alone with my relief that he knows I’m here, not drowning in the self-pity of your selfish actions. GO!

And so I did the only gracious thing I could. I held my little black stone from Mebeghe in my hand while I envisioned traveling to the Shadowlands, until I felt the familiar falling feeling consume me.

Soft grass & other plant life