The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus: A Novel About Marriage, Motherhood, and Mayhem

By Sonya Sones

“Funny, fresh, and heartbreakingly poignant, this book had me laughing and crying at the same time.”
—Meg Cabot, author of The Princess Diaries series and Insatiable

“I read The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus and I saw the light and the mirror and fell under Sonya Sones’ spell.”
— Jacquelyn Mitchard, author of The Deep End of the Ocean

“Wallpaper a room with the pages of The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus. It will be your favorite place. The room you come back to again and again, year after year.”
—Ilene Beckerman, author of Love, Loss, and What I Wore

Celebrated YA novelist Sonya Sones makes a HUGE splash with her first adult novel, The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus, spinning a funny, fierce, and piercingly honest coming-of-middle-age story about falling apart and putting yourself back together. Nora Ephron’s I Feel Bad About My Neck meets Elizabeth Berg—boldly original and endlessly enthralling—The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus is a luminous, brilliantly told story of life, marriage, and parenthood that you will not soon forget.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Apr 5, 2011
• ISBN: 9780062079084

Sonya Sones

Sonya Sones has written seven novels in verse: The Opposite of Innocent, Stop Pretending: What Happened When My Big Sister Went Crazy; What My Mother Doesn’t Know and its companion, What My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know; One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies; To Be Perfectly Honest; and Saving Red. Sonya’s books have received many honors, but she was especially thrilled when she learned that she was on the American Library Association’s list of the Most Frequently Challenged Authors of the 21st Century. She lives near the beach in California. You can visit her at www.sonyasones.com or write her at [e-mail].

Book preview

The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus

A Novel about Marriage, Motherhood, and Mayhem

Sonya Sones

For my husband Bennett

and my daughter Ava—

who are not

the husband and the daughter in this book.

No.

Seriously.

And for my son Jeremy, too—

who’s glad to have dodged a bullet on this one.

BY THE FIRE

I’m curled up like a comma

on my couch,

swaddled in

my husband’s velvet arms,

watching sparks

play chase games up the flue,

breathing in

our pepper tree’s sweet scent,

listening to her hiss

and snap and purr,

savoring

her sizzling scarlet glow,

this heat of hers that flows

into my bones,

knowing

that our tree’s not really gone—

that even when her arms

have turned to ash

a part of her, the heart of her,

will live on in these lines.

THE POET’S DISCLAIMER

Oh no!

Due to reflow-

able text capability in e-books like this,

the pages might look somewhat amiss

when comprised of poems—

not at all like they do in paper tomes.

If you find that the font is too small to read

and you choose to adjust it to suit your need,

the stanzas might look a tad out of whack.

So feel free to switch it right back.

And there’s just one more thing

that I would like to bring to your attention:

I feel I must mention

that though some like to read

while they rub-a-dub-dub,

you’d be wise to keep this version out of the tub.

Contents

The Poet’s Disclaimer

Skidmarks

What I Learn from Cosmo While Waiting to See the Doctor

Ultrasound

Michael and I Don’t Want Any More Children

But Now–I’ll Never be Pregnant Again

Bad Timing

The Phone Rings–Snapping Me Back to the Present

As Soon As I Hang Up the Phone, It Rings Again

When I Get Home from the Beach

But Don’t Get Me Wrong

Then Suddenly–The Doorbell’s Ringing

Alice and I Drain the Bottle

When Michael Returns Home with Samantha

Half an Hour Later

When Wendy and Tess Come to Pick Up Sam

When Michael Returns from Driving Alice Home

When Sam Gets Home from Studying at Laura’s

Happy Birthday to Me

What I Am

Hmmmlet…

Thanksgiving

Cousin Alice Arrives for Thanksgiving Dinner

Though I Have to Admit

The True Meaning of Wistful

I Consider Myself a Pretty Darn Good Speller

Christmas in Cleveland

I Glance Over at My Mother

New Year’s Resolution

Which Is More Than I Can Say About Myself These Days

But What I Really Can’t Figure Out

Time Flies

Crying Jags

Because

What I Finally Figure Out is This

When Michael Returns from the Frame Shop

Moments Later

My Mother Has Been Admitted to the Hospital

I Hang Up and Call My Mother

The Kind of Girl Samantha Is

And When She Finally Finishes Baking

And Suddenly, A Memory Washes Over Me

April Fool’s Day

Our Baby’s Been in There for Ten Minutes

When Sam Finally Emerges

My Floodgates are Getting Ready to Burst

Writus Interruptus

I Mean, for Cryin’ Out Loud

Then, of Course, Things Spiraled Out of Control

After an Argument with Hubby

Is It a Bad Sign?

When I Finally Run Out of Old Boyfriends

I Don’t Answer My Daughter’s Rhetorical Question

Shift Happens

The Leaning Tower of Me

Chamber of Horrors

A Brief History of My Boobs

On the Way Out of Neiman’s

Cousin Alice Calls

Dr. Hack Finally Gets on the Line

I Tell Dr. Hack That Someone’s at the Door

But…

But Roxie’s Call Has Freaked Me Out

Even My Hair is Fifty…

My Knees are Fifty, Too

For Chrissake–

Maybe This is How It Will Happen

Is This How It Was For You?

How Do U No When Ur Old?

So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today

Kitchen Quarrel

But I Shudder to Think About Next Year

Where I Get My Ideas

And Speaking of Blood

But That’s Not How I Described It to My Daughter

It Can’t Be PMS

Rude Awakening

Is It a Bad Sign?

To the One-Pound Bag of Oreos I Just Bought

I am Not Addicted to Email

Pepto Abysmal

Saturday Morning

Later On, Back at the Helliday Inn

Damn!

I Hang Up and Punch in Michael’s Number

On Sunday Morning

Why Don’t I Ask Him This?

But, Really

In the Taxi on the Way Home from the Airport

It’s Past Midnight When I Finally Get Home

The Next Day

After Alice Leaves

On the Way to the Farmers’ Market

Is It a Bad Sign?

When I’m Writing a Poem

When I’m Writing a Poem

I am Tired of Being a Poet

And Come to Think of It

And You Know What?

Every Time My Mother Calls

When I Get Like This

Though, Let’s Face It

Anyone Could Have Moved into That House

Actually

I’m In a Huge Hurry

Michael Doesn’t Notice Me Coming

So I Ask Him for My Scissors, Instead

Our Pepper Tree is Failing Fast

On Mother’s Day

I Ask Dr. Hack About My Mother’s Memory Loss

In Praise of Popcorn

I Wish My Mother Were Doing Better

The Last Time

A Few Minutes Later

Before Prom

Hold On–Back Up a Couple of Stanzas!

Just Kidding

A Sentimental Silence Drifts Down Over Us

Oh, Well

A Few Days After Prom

Graduation Day Snapshot

Another Call from My Mother

I Pull Myself Together

But I Call Alice, Just to Make Sure

Weekend Update

Is It a Bad Sign?

Limbo Daze

I’ve Been Out All Morning Buying Presents for My Mother

So I Stomp Out of My Office

Omigod!

My Hand Creeps Out

Suddenly

Samantha Says She’s Craving an Omelet

Sam Hands Me a Stick of Butter

Two Mindless Hours, Three New Bras, Four New T-Shirts, and Five New Sweaters Later

Samantha Notices, Too

Enough is Enough

Here is What the Email Says

Michael’s Not Buying Art Supplies!

I Turn to Run Out the Door

At Which Point

Later

That Evening

It is Dr. Hack!

The Three of Us Do the Happy Benign Mass Dance

My Mother is Not a Married Woman

Is It a Bad Sign?

Trying to Reserve the Flight That Will Take Samantha to College

A Few Weeks Before Samantha Leaves for College

Trashed

In Just a Few More Days

But How Can That be Possible?

Samantha Was an Incredible Baby

And Michael Was Grateful, Too

One Day

I’m Cleaning Out Samantha’s Closet

I Close the Lid On the Box

A No-Brainer

Aftermath

I Close the Door Behind Them

Remembering the Day Samantha Learned to Ride

I Take a Few Deep Breaths

When My Mother Hears My Voice

I Just Weighed Myself

And I’ll Cry If I Want To

The Night Before Samantha Leaves

Alice Drove Us to the Airport at Noon

We’re the First to Arrive at Her Dorm

Everyone’s Unpacking

Making Up Her Bed

An Old Friend

The Unpacking is Done

After We Kiss Samantha Goodnight

Is It a Bad Sign?

In the Morning

When I Hug My Daughter Good-Bye

I Will Miss Her

The Captain Has Turned on the Seat Belt Sign

The Taxi Drops Us Off in front of Our House

Our Pepper Tree is Dead

Samantha’s Room

At the Grocery Store

So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today

The Phone Rings

We Say Good-Bye to Samantha and Hang Up

The Mothers of Daughters Who Have Gone Off to College

Michael Says We Need to Have Some Fun Together

At Spumoni’s

The Next Morning

How Does It Happen?

I Head to the Bedroom to Lie Down

A Minute Later

I’m Still in Mid-Weep When Alice Calls

The Phone Rings Again

Stopping to Admire a Baby at the Cleaners

And Speaking of My Mother…

I’m Really Not in the Mood to Go Out

On a Bad Day

It’s Strange…

A Match.Com Made in Heaven

Double Date

What to Expect When Your Husband Goes into Therapy

I Want a New Husband

I Want a New Husband

I Want a New Husband

Firewood

Our Backyard Looks So Barren Now

Then–Pinkie Starts Yapping

Another Call from Samantha

A Chat with Dr. Hack

United Flight #3534

The Visit

My Mother Finally Nods Off

That’s the Bad News

I’m Blushing in Places I’ve Never Blushed Before

I Have Got to Get a Grip

Griffin Presses the Button for the Fifth Floor

I Feel As If I’m in a Dream

I Gasp and Stifle a Scream

Someone is a Lot Claustrophobic!

And As Soon As I Hear It

So…

And That’s When I Notice It

Griffin’s Silhouette Glides Closer

But Then

The Lights Flicker Back On!

The Really Good News

Before I Can Answer Her Question

Dr. Gold Invites Me to His Office to Talk

All That Glitters is Dr. Gold

After My Mother’s Examination

Hospital Waiting Room Haiku

Aftershocks

My Mother Takes a Nap

The Sun Paints the Parking Lot Pink

The Next Morning

I Step Outside to Take the Call

As Soon As We Say Good-Bye

Turbulence

Isn’t It Strange?

I Splash Some Cold Water on My Face

When I Return to the Hospital

Time Does Not Fly When You are Waiting for Test Results

I’ve Never Been Much Good at Waiting

Thank God!

For the Next Few Days

Marriage is a Fire

You Know What I Love About Michael?

On a Good Day

Michael and I Go Over to Meet the New Baby

Sam’s Taking a Class Called Positive Psychology

I Don’t Feel Like Going to the Party

And That’s When It Dawns On Me

Safe and Sound?

Today, When I Call

During the Hell That Freezes Over

I’ve Been Working Day and Night

It Happens for the Zillionth Time On the Eve of My Fifty-First Birthday

I Shove Open the French Doors

On My Birthday

Later On

Culture Shock

Aw, Come On

In the Mail

Is It a Good Sign?

Nostalgia

What I Am Going to Do

Spanx?

It’s a Perfect California Fall Day

I Clear My Throat

A Week Later–Roxie Calls

By the Fire

A Recipe for Butterscotch Brownies

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Other Books by Sonya Sones

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

SKIDMARKS

The first one catches my eye

as I fly down the freeway rushing

to get to the doctor’s office on time

and pretty soon that’s all I can see—

streaming across the pavement

in blurred black streaks

as though

the road’s mascara

is running.

I don’t want to fixate

on these desperate claw marks,

these permanent records of calamity,

but I can’t seem

to stop myself

from staring at them

any more than I can stop myself

from careening toward

my fiftieth birthday—

the one that’s rushing at me

like a cinderblock wall while I try

in vain to slam on my brakes.

WHAT I LEARN FROM COSMO WHILE WAITING TO SEE THE DOCTOR

I learn that pumpkin pie

and lavender

are aphrodisiacs.

I learn that the French term for crabs

is papillons d’amour—

butterflies of love.

I learn that the average

speed of ejaculation

is twenty-eight miles per hour.

And I’m just about

to learn the identity

of the next awesome sex prop

(which

the magazine says

is probably in my purse!)

when,

much to my chagrin,

the nurse calls me in.

ULTRASOUND

Eighteen years ago, when Dr. Stone

squirted the icy gel across my stomach,

then turned to examine my