Carousel Horses

By Marina Wick-Eggen

... Or maybe we're all carousel horses...

In order to cope with the staleness of daily life, she thought she had found solace in a misguided pack of schoolmates... only to become enfolded in a life of violence, exploitation, and heroin-dependence.

Enter her deranged examination of reality, and submerge yourself into a world all too familiar for many.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookRix
• Release date: Mar 4, 2019
• ISBN: 9783743898707

Book preview

August

August 5

God, I thought the summer would never end! The parties were dull, weed has come to taste like nothing more than rotten parsley, and sadly, there seems to be nothing thrilling about being an adolescent anymore. Right now all I want to do is fall asleep and not wake up until I'm eighteen. That way, not only will I no longer have to deal with the insanities of high school, but I can also get away from this run-down, terracotta prison more commonly referred by normal people as home. I want more than anything to just pack a bag, get into my little junker car, and drive away without ever looking back... ever!

August 7

Donald said that he couldn't make the movie tonight because he's worn out from work. I told him it was alright, but he wasn't helping my disappointment by being overdramatic I told him he was upsetting me and wanted to hang up on him for being so inconsiderate. Instead of apologizing, he actually had the nerve to ask me why I don't say 'I love you' yet. Are you kidding me? He's only taken me out twice since we met over three months ago! He doesn't even call or text unless he's bored or when it's half past two in the morning! And when I don't answer him right away, he gets pissed off. But yet he wants me to pretend like he's my boyfriend when he's the one who's avoiding me?

At this point I don't care if the asshole ever talks to me again, it's not like I even got the chance to become emotionally attached. Maybe I should just stop caring about whether or not I could be good enough for someone, because it's probably never going to happen.

August 8

 Well, sure as shit I almost slipped up today. I tried to break up a physical altercation between Shelly and the Dick, and with one solid strike to the chops from that worthless sack of donkey jizz, I was tempted to run for the kitchen and come back at him with a tenderizing mallet... but I didn't and that infuriated me. So I had two options; cut or write. Reluctantly I have chosen to open up this notebook. Before my last suicide attempt, I never bothered to keep a written record of anything that has gone on this far in my life. In all honesty, I don't really want to remember any more than I already do. But I have made the decision to put myself through a kind of personal therapy in which I pick up a pen rather than a razor. And I think I've made progress in preparing to brace myself for anything. Stress has always been the one thing I'm not good at keeping hidden. You'll know when I'm truly angry, and it's not a pretty sight; usually, because it ends with someone's teeth getting smashed in. And you know what doesn't help that stress? Being forced to live with two of the worst people in the entire universe!

August 10

I am so fucking livid right now, it's a miracle I can write without breaking my pen in half. I have been beyond ecstatic to finally see Rising Ashes live, and even with only finding out three days in advance, there were still tickets available! We just had to get to the venue in Santa Barbara on time since they were only playing one night. And we were so close to going, but because Andrea had to get caught with a guy in her room... again... I had no choice but to scratch the entire trip since she was supposed to be getting the tickets in lieu of chipping in for gas money and food the whole weekend. I swear to God, if she keeps this shit up, we won't be able to do a damn thing during our final school year!

August 13

When I was fifteen, I met the one person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I even went so far as to envision myself walking down the aisle to him someday. Gerard was sweet, charming and he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. We would stay up late at night just to talk on the phone. There was usually a lot of silence, but just knowing that he was there was a comfort all its own. We went on a few dates, but as much as I wanted to be with him, the feeling didn't seem mutual. He told me he cared about me, but as time passed, we continued to spend time together, but as nothing more than friends. There wasn't even an official breakup; he just stopped holding me hand and kissing me and treating me like a girlfriend. But I couldn't just let what we had fade into the oblivion. I knew I still loved him, and I know that I always will. As long as he's in my life, that's all I can ask for, and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Of course, in the back of my mind, I wish it could be more. He says he doesn't understand how a girl like me can be so good to him, and many times I've had to remind him that he's my favorite person in the world. I love Gerard, now and forever. Even if it's only from a distance.

August 14

There are just not enough hours in the day to complain about how aggravatingly slow time is moving. It's like the clock is laughing at me while I lie here feeling nothing more than sluggish and dense. It's raining out and I'm stuck inside with nothing but a bottle of rum and what's left of the cigarettes I got off my next door neighbor's porch. Sounds like one hell of a party, doesn't it? Funny thing is, and I'm sure it was just the booze, but it almost felt like I was being watched. Could just be the friendly cockroaches though, they live inside of all the boxes full of useless shit I have to sleep around.

August 16

Even with the scars on my throat and wrists still clearly visible, a strong nagging urge to cut myself again has proven nearly impossible to ignore throughout this evening; especially after being publicly molested by the Dick's cousin. Leon is five years older than I am and isn't completely hideous, on the outside anyway. He has a tendency to drink too much, and when he does, he goes from verbal perversion to acting like a sex-deprived psycho in a matter of seconds! He tried sliding his hand up my shirt when I walked into the kitchen, and Shelly just laughed about it! The bitch said it was cute! So I've been sitting out here on the lawn for three and a half hours now, and I'm not going in until everyone is gone!... It's going to be a long night.

August 17

I spent the afternoon with Gerard and the girls lying outside the old mausoleum at Evergreen and smoking a few joints. We watched the clouds glide by in a stop-motion haze, while he told us how exciting it was to be on our last year before graduating. It's nice to know that Gerard has a future plan laid out, wish I could say the same for myself. I want to be out of school just as much, but I don't have anything set in stone for my life once I'm free of my educational imprisonment... Once the drowsiness started to kick in, we fell asleep for a few good hours before being woken up by the groundskeeper and being called 'little gouls' as he shoed us off the premise.

August 19

Wake up, study, drink, sleep...Wake up, study, drink, sleep...Wake up, study, drink, sleep...Every day it's the same events and the same routines; with enough accompanied drama to inspire the newest primetime soap opera... not that there aren't already enough of those. I don't know how the hell I'm going to survive with having school thrown into the mix. I really think I need a better outlet for my time.

August 20

Andrea was having a last-minute heart attack about what most recent fashion trend to follow, so she dragged me along with her and Nikki to the mall. I don't exactly look like a contender in my own wardrobe, but that's what happens when you've had to revert to lifting donations from the Salvation Army. That's why I usually just wear my jacket; no one can tell I'm wearing the same shirt for several days in a row if they can't see it. Am I sweating like a pig underneath? Quite. The summer heat hasn't been very kind to me.Like every other time we've gone to this three-story maze of overpriced and overrated retail traps, I eventually lost them and showed myself to the food court for a burger then waited in the stairwell of the parking structure with a flask full of whatever I managed to sneak out of Shelly's cabinet this morning.

August 21

Sitting outside Frost Street Liquor, waiting for Andrea, I noticed the playground across the street for the first time in a long time, watching a small girl being pushed on the swing by her father. Although I smiled for a moment, it made me fall deep into depressing thoughts about how a large portion of my life has been trashed and scattered ever since cancer took my dad from me. Shelly never seemed too devastated though, having moved on not two weeks after he was buried. She hooked up with Richard at one of her photo shoots while she was still beautiful and young and rich... it all went to hell in a handbasket from there. His name sure suits him because he's a total DICK! But she was obsessed with him in a matter of hours, so naturally, the next step was to uproot me to this shit-hole of a city on a tiny shred of hope to make a fortune!

Eventually Shelly started getting gigs, but although the Boulevard looks glamorous, growing up underneath the limelight of Hollywood really took a toll on me. I've seen enough to realize it's not everything people make it out to be. Sure we weren't in all the tabloids like every other celebrity, but Shelly was famous enough to gain a substantial fan base and rake in thousands from every fashion show, perfume ad, commercial, and TV appearance she did. Everything vanished by my thirteenth birthday.

Now the only modeling Shelly does is when she's hanging off a pole topless or when she's whoring herself out to Johns from the bars and clubs. Do you know how awful it is to be ridiculed by kids who see pictures of her on bus benches and in bathroom stalls barely dressed? Do you know how much heartache I have to deal with knowing my mom is a customer favorite at the Diamond Chateau off the 5 freeway? But God forbid that I denounce Shelly for her lack of morals! Then suddenly she's the victim and I end up with more cuts and bruises than an MMA fighter; only I don't get a chance to defend myself! And the fact that she won't even be a mother and a protector against the scum that lay their hands on me tears the wounds deeper.

August 23

It's half past five in the morning. An hour into pacing back and forth in the living room, I was threatened by the Dick to either get my stupid ass back in bed or be locked in the closet for a week. For some ridiculous reason, I actually pondered the thought of being cramped in a space more confined than a jail cell for seven days with no food or water! Once I finally convinced myself to go back into my room, I lied awake for what felt like ages, trying to think of