The Unquiet Gravy: Terse Perverse Verse for Kith and Kin

By Max Artusov

A collection of verse inspired by the style of John Cooper Clarke, the ‘Godfather of Punk Poetry.’ The verse is mostly commentary on current social issues, attitudes and mores addressed in a sardonic and hopefully amusing manner.

Ideally, the verse should be read to a club or pub audience in a rapid manner and in a Manchester accent. The author has a bash at establishment figures, ‘celebrities,’ and ‘political correctness,’ and other current topics.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jan 5, 2024
• ISBN: 9781398495333

Max Artusov

Max Artusov attended both Oxford and Cambridge (Borstals). He received unnoticed critical acclaim for putting the ‘Ding’ into Reading, the ‘Sex’ into Middlesex and something into Scunthorpe. His ambition is to take the ‘Woke’ out of Wokingham. Max drinks, eats and smokes too much, is overweight and is rather curmudgeonly. He has reached that point in life when everything annoys him. He does not support a football team and has no slippers. This book is an attempt to vent and donate his spleen to society.

Book preview

About the Author

Max Artusov attended both Oxford and Cambridge (Borstals). He received unnoticed critical acclaim for putting the ‘Ding’ into Reading, the ‘Sex’ into Middlesex and something into Scunthorpe. His ambition is to take the ‘Woke’ out of Wokingham. Max drinks, eats and smokes too much, is overweight and is rather curmudgeonly. He has reached that point in life when everything annoys him. He does not support a football team and has no slippers. This book is an attempt to vent and donate his spleen to society.

Dedication

This book was inspired by and is dedicated to

John Cooper Clarke

Copyright Information ©

Max Artusov 2024

The right of Max Artusov to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398495326 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398495333 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.co.uk

First Published 2024

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

An unauthorised anti-dote to The Unquiet Grave

by Cyril Connolly

WARNING

May contain politically incorrect attitudes and ‘Thoughtcrime’, hence being unsuitable for ‘Progressives’. Sexual innuendo and smut are deplorable and are therefore used quite extensively. Contains all the official ‘bad-isms’ (hopefully).

BOOK OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Open book: turn pages ­– start reading

To stop reading: close the book or put it down.

If the book fails to open, buy another one.

Helpline: Saint George is the patron saint of readers.

To be read aloud if allowed, briskly and with vim, brillo, and in a Mancunian accent.

DECLARATION

No animals were used in the production of this book (except me)

Contains no nuts

Any resemblance to anyone or anything is deliberate

Suitable for miners –­ I love coal­

Presumptuous and Shameless Product Placement Plugs

John Cooper Clarke, book and audio CDs:

Ten years in an open necked shirt – Punk Poetry-book

Snap, Crackle and Bop – Audio CD

Disguise in love – Audio CD

Also: The film Dr Strangelove, Peter Sellers plays three roles in this Cold War classic, with reference to ‘Precious Bodily Fluids, see page 64’

Other recommendations, mainly, but not exclusively, for Russophiles

The First Circle by Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Stalin by Edvard Radzhinsky

The Waist Land

(Diet for Your Country)

My county town offers some delights

It also presents some dreadful sights

Don’t be a chump, come view the plump

You must visit as I do

To see what junk food can do to you

Now I am fat, no doubt of that

But I was lithe in my time, in my prime

These people are so young, they must love eating dung

Schadenfreude is enjoyed, it makes me feel so thin

Tattoos and trainer shoes give me the blues

What training do they ever do?

Tattooed legs, tattooed necks, tracksuits that never see a track

Snack, snack, snack

Snack, snack, snack

People, you must lose your blubber

Or it will lead to double trouble and much bubble

’Tis sweet and fitting to diet for your country

(Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori, modified)

Stations of the Cross

Actually, stations of the VERY cross

Platforms of all of us

We’ve paid through the nose for tickets to hell

But constant, constant announcements as well

Sound advice, much too suffice

Spewing verbal diarrhoea about

‘Mind the platform edge, it’s a different surface’

‘The next train’ … is late

‘Signal failure’ …yet again

‘If you see something odd’…

‘Stand back’…

Actually, I’d considered laying on the track

Or using the train wheels to cut my toenails

Sunday night at a station, a one-hour connection

Only me on the platform but every two minutes they inform I’m not a dunce, just tell me ONCE

I ended up screaming at that speaker near the ceiling

I Have Measured Out My Life

with Coffee in the ‘Spoons’

The best thing of all, no ghastly background tunes

Though some of the venues do have a few loons

I often plump for a nice rump or fish and chips

A generous portion of