BEYOND MATTHEW 18: Understanding, Managing and Resolving Conflict in the Church

By William E. Buelow, D.Min., J.D.

CONFLICT, and the division, ill-will, and heartache it brings, seems to prevail all around us.  Regrettably, people of faith are not immune from the impact of conflict.  In fact, too often it seems that those who profess faith in Christ experience conflict in disproportionate measure.  Christian families, church leadership teams, Christian owned businesses, and even churches themselves, too frequently disintegrate under the heavy burdens of unresolved conflict. 

This book is presented as a resource for gaining a fuller understanding of conflict between Christ followers, and for increasing the effectiveness of conflict resolution efforts.  It uniquely draws from multiple conflict-resolution disciplines, combining and unifying each with a fuller and more complete understanding of Biblical guidance offered on the topic.  And it provides the effective strategies necessary to restore peace and unity among those entwined in conflict. 

Whether one is embroiled in a conflict or is seeking to help manage or resolve a conflict between others, this book is ultimately designed to help the readers’ efforts to promote and restore unity and peace between those within the community of Christ followers who are struggling in conflict, and to do so in a way that honors God and the guidance provided in His Word.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Dr. William (“Bill”) Buelow has been guiding others to the successful resolution of conflicts for more than 30 years. Uniquely qualified and experienced as a counselor/therapist, attorney, mediator, chaplain, pastor, and educator, Bill combines the best practices of each discipline as he works with church leaderships, families, business leaders, and others toward restoring Christian unity, trust, and common purpose in a manner that is consistent with and under the authority of biblical instruction. Bill has earned doctoral degrees in law and ministry and a master’s degree in counseling psychology, and has completed advanced training in Transformative Mediation.

The author of multiple legal publications, Bill now offers this book as a practical guide to understanding conflicts between Christ followers and to assist readers’ efforts to effectively promote and restore unity and peace between conflicting Christian brothers and sisters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Nov 29, 2023
• ISBN: 9781977271310

William E. Buelow, D.Min., J.D.

Dr. William (“Bill”) Buelow has been guiding others to the successful resolution of conflicts for more than 30 years. Uniquely qualified and experienced as a counselor/therapist, attorney, mediator, chaplain, pastor, and educator, Bill combines the best practices of each discipline as he works with church leaderships, families, business leaders, and others toward restoring Christian unity, trust, and common purpose in a manner that is consistent with and under the authority of biblical instruction. Bill has earned doctoral degrees in law and ministry and a master’s degree in counseling psychology, and has completed advanced training in Transformative Mediation.     The author of multiple legal publications, Bill now offers this book as a practical guide to understanding conflicts between Christ followers and to assist readers’ efforts to effectively promote and restore unity and peace between conflicting Christian brothers and sisters.     Bill resides in Collegeville, Pennsylvania, with his wife of 32 years, Jenny. Recreationally, Bill enjoys flying airplanes, teaching scuba diving, camping, and cruising the Caribbean with Jenny. 

Book preview

BEYOND MATTHEW 18

Understanding, Managing and Resolving Conflict in the Church

All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2024 William E. Buelow, D.Min., J.D.

v3.0

The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

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Visit the author’s website at: www.BillBuelow.com

To Jenny—

who demonstrates for me, every day, that living with true biblical humility, gentleness, patience, and love is possible.

PREFACE

I RECENTLY HAD the opportunity to work with a church leadership team that was wrestling with conflict within the team. Divisions on the team were stark, and resolution was, at best, elusive. That this church was in crisis was clear, and the leadership’s inability to resolve their differences flowed over to the church’s membership in general, as some leaders sought to undermine other leaders in the minds of the congregants.

As I began working with this team, one of the initial issues discussed was how a pastor, elder, or other church leader should best counsel a congregant who presents a complaint concerning the conduct or actions of another pastor or leader, or another congregant. One of the pastors at the meeting spoke genuinely concerning his desire to handle such situations consistent with scriptural guidance, saying, When this happens, the first thing I ask the complaining person is whether he has discussed the issue with the person he is complaining about—and if he hasn’t, then I direct him to follow Matthew 18, and first discuss the matter with him or her . . . and if that doesn’t work, to then bring along one or two witnesses, and if that doesn’t work, then take it to the elders of the church.

Regrettably, this pastor’s approach is too frequently the only understanding and counsel offered in such situations, which is unfortunate because the Bible has much to say to those seeking resolution of a conflict, particularly when that conflict arises among those who profess faith in Christ. While Matthew 18, indeed, highlights a procedural approach for managing a conflict, few seem to recognize that the offered approach is not presented in isolation from the rest of biblical guidance. And when the Matthew 18 procedure is implemented in isolation from the abundance of relevant guidance offered by the rest of scripture, it often is used, either intentionally or unwittingly, merely as a tool for a hardened heart to seek its own way and push its own agenda, rather than as an effective Spirit-led process for restoring unity or justice to and between those who profess Christ.

This book is presented as a resource not only for increasing the effectiveness of conflict resolution efforts, but also for gaining a fuller understanding of conflict itself—including its causes and origins and why conflict is often so prevalent among those who profess faith. It is designed to help those who are engaged in a conflict, and those who would seek to help manage or resolve a conflict involving others, gain a fuller understanding of the biblical guidance offered on the topic and the strategies necessary to restore peace and unity among those entwined in conflict.

The content presented is drawn not only from academic and scriptural understanding but also from many years of experience, and professional practice in multiple conflict-resolution disciplines. It brings together the knowledge, skills, insights, and observations acquired throughout my professional life as a counselor/therapist, attorney, mediator, chaplain, educator/curriculum developer, and pastor. While the materials presented herein are drawn from each of these disciplines, they are ultimately presented in a way that brings together and unifies the best practices of each. And for those who identify themselves as followers of Jesus Christ, this book offers the reader and practitioner the opportunity to draw from each of these disciplines in a manner consistent with and under the authority of biblical directives and guidance. It is, I believe, a unique presentation.

My prayer for this work is that it effectively helps the readers’ efforts to promote and restore unity and peace between those within the community of Christ followers who are struggling in conflict, and to do so in a way that honors God and the guidance provided in His Word.

Blessings,

Bill Buelow

June 15, 2023

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART ONE: UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

CHAPTER 1: DEFINING CONFLICT AND THE NEED FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

A. Conflict Defined

1. Discerning between Disagreement and Conflict

2. Illustration: Disagreement vs. Conflict

B. The Need for Effective Conflict Management

1. Effective Conflict Management Can Often Result in a Mutually Beneficial Outcome with All Parties Satisfied

2. Effective Conflict Management, Even When It Fails to Satisfy All Parties, Can Result in a Fair and Just Resolution of the Conflict

C. The Destructive Consequences of Unmanaged or Ineffectively Managed Conflict

D. Review and Look Ahead

CHAPTER 2: CONFLICT—A POWERFUL WEAPON FOR DIVIDING THE BODY OF CHRIST

A. The Original Kingdom Conflict—Between Satan and God

B. Satan Extends the Kingdom Conflict into the Realm of Mankind

1. Separating God and Man—Satan Introduces Conflict into Man’s Relationship with God

Satan’s Use of Doubt

Satan’s Use of Half-Truths

Satan’s Use of Absoute Lies

Satan’s Tactics Have Not Changed

2. Dividing the House of God—Satan Encourages Conflict Between God’s People

C. The Underlying Premise of Satan’s Promotion of Conflict: A Divided Kingdom Is a Beaten Kingdom

PART TWO: UNDERSTANDING THE WORLD’S APPROACH TO CONFLICT MANAGEMENT AND RESOLUTION

CHAPTER 3: THE WORLD’S APPROACH TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION

A. Litigation

1. The Advantages of Litigation

2. The Disadvantages of Litigation

3. Biblical Proscriptions Concerning Christians Suing Other Christians

B. Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR)

1. Why ADR?

2. Examples of the Use of ADR

3. Common ADR Models

Negotiation

Mediation

Arbitration

4. Recap of ADR’s Advantages Over Litigation

5. ADR for the Christian?

PART THREE: BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION—ITS PRINCIPLES AND PROCESSES

CHAPTER 4: AN INTRODUCTION TO BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION—ITS GUIDING PRINCIPLES AND PROCESSES

A. Biblical Conflict Resolution—Guiding Principles

1. Glorify God

2. Promote Unity and Peace within the Body of Christ

3. Consider the Interests of All Involved in the Conflict

4. Rely on Heavenly Wisdom, Not Earthly Wisdom

5. Pray

6. Maintain Biblical Principles and Directives

7. Forgive

B. Biblical Conflict Resolution—An Introduction to the Processes

1. The Three Processes Revealed in Matthew 18

2. The Precursory Process—Evaluating Threshold Considerations

CHAPTER 5: THE BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS STEP ONE—EVALUATE THRESHOLD CONSIDERATIONS AND PREPARE YOUR OWN HEART

A. Threshold Considerations­—Determining Whether the Matter Should Be Pursued

1. First Threshold Consideration: Is Pursuing a Remedy for My Grievance Likely to Harm Others or Bring Scorn Upon Christ or His Church?

2. Second Threshold Consideration: Does the Perceived Wrong Rise to the Level that Seeking Satisfaction Is Necessary or Advisable?

3. Third Threshold Consideration: What Does the Bible Say about the Situation?

4. Fourth Threshold Consideration: What Is My Objective in Pursuing Satisfaction?

B. Preparing One’s Heart and Mind for the Conflict Resolution Process

1. First Matter of Heart Preparation—How Have My Actions or Inactions Contributed to the Conflict?

2. Second Matter of Heart Preparation—Am I Ready to Proceed Humbly, Gently, Patiently, and with Love?

C. Summary of Step One of the Conflict Resolution Process

CHAPTER 6: THE BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS STEP TWO—APPROACH YOUR BROTHER ALONE (ADR PARALLEL: NEGOTIATION)

A. The Beginning of the Matthew 18 Resolution Procedure

1. The Circumstances That Give Rise to the Instruction’s Application

2. The Action Directed

3. The Outcome Hoped For

B. Correlation With ADR’s Negotiation

CHAPTER 7: THE BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS STEP THREE—APPROACH YOUR BROTHER WITH ONE OR TWO OTHERS (ADR PARALLEL: MEDIATION)

A. Who Are the Witnesses?

B. The Purpose and Role of the Witnesses

C. The Matters that the Witnesses Establish

D. Parallels with ADR’s Mediation

1. The Use of Mediation as a Strategy Separate from but Parallel with the Matthew 18 Procedure

2. Modifying Mediation Rules to Bring the Practice of Mediation into Uniformity with the Matthew 18 Procedure

E. How to Initiate and Proceed with Biblically Guided Mediation

CHAPTER 8: THE BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS STEP FOUR—BRING THE MATTER TO THE CHURCH (ADR PARALLEL: ARBITRATION)

A. What Does It Mean to Tell It to the Church?

B. Correlation with ADR’s Arbitration

CHAPTER 9: THE BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS—WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS

CHAPTER 10: FINAL THOUGHTS

PART ONE:

UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

CHAPTER 1:

DEFINING CONFLICT AND THE NEED FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.

—1 Corinthians 1:10 (NIV)¹

CONFLICT—THE WORD ITSELF is often enough to drive many into cold sweats, dry mouths, and trembling hands. It is clear to even the casual observer that for many, ignoring a conflict, suppressing it, or pretending it doesn’t exist is a far more comfortable course of action than attempting to resolve it meaningfully and productively.

More often than not, a conflict is perceived as a great negative, and the absence of conflict is almost universally embraced as a great positive. Many in the Church, in particular, are often left with the impression that no one should ever do or say anything that may result in another person becoming offended or uncomfortable.

However, consider the fact that if that were absolutely true, then one would necessarily have to view Jesus as falling short of Christian ideals since even a cursory study of the gospels reveals that he offended many during his earthly ministry. Moreover, many of those whom Jesus offended and came into conflict with comprised many of society’s most important figures of that day, including prestigious religious and political leaders, and many who saw their position, knowledge, or wisdom as being superior to those of their contemporaries.

But Jesus and His teachings have offended not only those who lived during the time when He walked the earth in the flesh, but also many of those living today. In fact, it is hard to imagine in today’s world that Jesus could say anything that at least some would not find offensive. Additionally, and of significance to the point, when one really considers Jesus and all his teachings, one finds that the very Gospel that Jesus presented, itself, is frequently divisive. As Jesus, Himself, said:

Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me (Matthew 10:34–38 (NIV)).

So, even for those who profess Jesus as Lord (and perhaps, especially for such persons), conflict would appear to be an inevitable part of living out our human existence in this world. We may not like conflict. We may seek to extricate ourselves from it. And we may try to ignore it and hope it will go away. But the fact is that conflict will, for most of us, infiltrate our lives, our relationships, our churches, our families, and even our very own internal decision-making processes. Conflict is an unavoidable part of our human existence. Therefore, we must learn how to recognize, manage, and resolve it effectively, if we are to sustain meaningful relationships with others.

One of the fundamental problems with viewing conflict as an avoid at all costs proposition is that such a view ignores that the outcome of conflict can often be beneficial. However, before discussing how and under what circumstances conflict may produce beneficial outcomes, we must first establish exactly what we refer to by the term conflict.

A. CONFLICT DEFINED

1. Discerning Between Disagreement and Conflict

Undoubtedly, numerous proffered definitions and explanations of the term conflict are offered by an abundance of sources. One need look no further than a quick internet search of the term to find how diversely it is understood. Most common to many of these definitions, however, is the idea that conflict involves, at some level, disagreement between parties, be those parties individuals, civic or religious groups,