THE LIFE OF BOB & JEAN

By Sivan Shriki

If you really wanna get to the meat a potatoz of the story, you want to understand and experience what it's like to be married to big powerful man? With more leaf letter and marijuana dollars then you could ever imagine? Well your in luck! Herez the knows and the hows, a man mobbed up, lotta money, lotta cars, cigars and knows bars. He is the guy, you will feel and live each moment at a time but no skipping, you're gonna wanna be patient, this book may take a while. The book is about a guy stuck in one spot, his shoe lace is wrapped around his other shoes which is tied to his foot so he can't move, he's also duck taped to a railroad track so he can't hurdle eizher, he is stuck in a real pickle of a situation and can't wiggle out since he's fat, this is the one situations it pays off to be a skinny supermodel. So he wakes up a changes are to be a made, he married, she's in love, he ain't, he told wat to do, she is to, by god I mean. Um, read garfield first cause it'll make much more sense since this guy is orange like an orange and hair like a cat so to understand his character read garfield and to understand her better, watch betty boop so you know how, when, and how she betty be boopin or else it's the bed!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350937565

Book preview

1: The Beginning Chap.

Two cat burglars break in through a bedroom window and kidnap a woman asleep in her bed. They throw her into a van, and for the rest of the night they waterboard her in a room they take her to.

She’s unconscious in a 40-foot-wide shark tank somewhere cold and quiet. It is cold and quiet where she is because she’s underwater. Or maybe the kidnappers have cut off her ears so she can’t hear either way she’s underwater.

She’s blindfolded, handcuffed, and hanging upside-down, just like Houdini. She feels water all around her while something is also weighing her down, so when she tries swimming up, something pulls her back down like a magnet - it’s a sperm whale. With each second that goes by, she drowns and swallows more moldy water that’s filled with bits of fecal matter (toxic as a swamp).

After, they take her out and tie her to a chair, (in chains that is) and they stick her in a safe. They stick c-4 onto her chest and stick dynamite in her stomach by shoving it…UP HER ASS! -(via the anal cavity). They lock her in and push her into a 50-foot pool of boiling acid. The pool is crawling with the jokers’ remains and some demons too. She hears the dial on the outside winding like a revolver from the alligator teeth gnawing on the safes’ wheel. She also hears/feels something pushing her to the far back wall of the pool. She’s cramped, cold and can’t see anything but the bursting fuse sparking in her stomach. She lays her hands forwards against the cool door and tries pushing it to try and open it so she can get out. She struggles to feel any sort of control of the situation.

After a while, she gives up and as she lets her hands slide down, she feels something… a hole with gears. As she gets jolted by this, she tries to figure them out. The gears hurt her fingers too much to keep them still, so she needs something stiff and strong like a rock or a crowbar or something close to it. She rips out her stitches and staples and reaches into her stomach. She uses the dynamite as a solid barrier to keep the gears locked in place so that they can properly open the door, but she must be in the proper position to get away before the alligator notices her, and the dynamite fully ignites.  Her body is now rising towards the surface, (like a floatie) and her skin is starting to burn and dissolve from the toxic chemicals in the pool. The water begins to sizzle, like something hot in a factory – a soda pop.

Because the tank is so large… so huge… the explosion doesn’t break the tank but shifts it shakes back and forth – the glass has a crack in it now. Then the front glass sheet of the tank shatters and water rushes out, and her body comes tumbling out of the tank and rolls onto the floor, landing on the broken glass - she’s in pain. She gushes blood from every orifice (her coochie, her woushie and her chatterbox) - she is choking on her own blood.

She escaped! Shoot her!

Ok.

Yes, will do. Glass shatters and 700 gallons flood the room and rushes out onto the street then they go for the door.

The warehouse fills with water from the tank and the cat burglars run away. The water fills so much that the wave of water raises her up off the ground and pushes her outside of the warehouse, landing her in the middle of the street.  An ambulance drives by, and a bunch of paramedics get out the back and start to pick her up and load her into the truck. While they attend to her, there is water all around the car and the harsh movement fucks with the car so as a result, the parked ambulance rolls down the hill and smashes into a fire hydrant. Water comes bursting out of it and the van gets launched 1000 miles and lands in Australia on top of an Outback Steakhouse.

What are we supposed to do now?

Yeah. How do we get her to the hospital now?

Well, we have to take the van over there. They cross the street and roll her down the hill on a gurney (bed on wheels) and get her into the van and onto the highway. 5 minutes later they’re into the highway:

"What’s wrong?

"She isn’t breathing.

Yeah, I see the problem, she seems to be choking on some hair, it’s blocking her air passageway.

But how?

All the bumps in the road.

So?

So… we cut. Nurse, give her a haircut. Pronto.

Yes doctor. They stick a helmet on her (salon like) and afterwards she looks just like a poodle.

They remove the gurney from the pickup truck, and she is almost dead-on arrival because her head is missing.

Uh-oh!

Where’d she go? With the helmet off her head, her head is now missing.

Turn this ship around, we must go back for some head. The medical team goes back to the scene of the crime to retrieve her head but in order to keep it alive, they have to stick it in one of those CVS coolers doctors use for official organ transplants since theirs were stolen by blacks.

At the same time the woman is being looked at by doctors, there is a man in the waiting room pacing around and crying like a baby. He gets so angry he smashes one of the vending machines with his fist and shatters the glass. A single doctor walks past him as he steals from the machine.

Hey doc, how is she?

I don’t know anything yet. Bob hands the Doctor a metal Scooby-Doo lunch box filled with money inside:

Here. This oughtta speed up the surgery.

Five minutes later, the doors fly open, and Jean is being pushed out into the hospital lobby on a gurney (in a gown). Bob smirks menacingly at the doctor, who moves at the same speed as the gurney towards the operating room.

Against the rules, Bob lights a marijuana cigar (a leira). The sprinklers get set off and everyone there is soaking wet from the rain. Bob has an umbrella, but the others in the waiting room have to cover themselves with books and magazines so they don’t get wet. Bob takes four batteries from the smoke detector and exits the hospital with a smug look on his face. A man in the waiting room becomes impatient and starts complaining to his wife:

This is ridiculous, where’s the fire department already?

Calm down honey, they’ll be here any minute.

A guy gets a step stool from the corner and reaches up and opens the lid to the smoke detector:

Oh, for God’s sake, there’s no batteries in it! Frustrated, he freaks out:

For god’s sake that just can’t be! He looks at his wife and she shrugs her shoulders at him. He gets down and scratches his head, while holding onto his belt. He chucks the stool down the hall, and it scatters like a squib kick. He then takes a seat on the couch (all frustrated) and looks like he’s given up.

In the surgery room, Jean is being woken up after surgery.

Wake up, Hon, you’re out of surgery. Please tell me who you are. He lowers his surgical mask from his mouth.

Ummmm…

Your name… please!

Shh, doctor. Let her think.

"My name is Jean, I’m married to Bob – he has 7 std’s, crap, crab, clap and worms… And… And? And!

Yes?

And.. I have a nine-year-old son, Evan.

Oh, is that so? Congratulations. Find her husband and tell him she’s going to be alright but also tell him that he’s lost the lottery with this one. He says sarcastically.

No one can seem to find him. Halfway out the the door he turns around and says to her he says:

Send her home then. And exits the room through the sliding doors then tosses his gloves and mask into the trash. The Nurse looks at Jean (the woman lying on the table) and shrugs one shoulder at her.

Jean is wheeled out of the hospital in a chair holding a cold Italian soda wearing a giant inflatable orange cast. By the time she gets home, she is all drugged up and passes out in the bathtub where Bob (her husband) finds her there while he’s taking a piss one morning before work. He splashes a glass of water in her face, but the glass slips and breaks all over her face:

Get up, you need to take Evan to school.

Grrer, right. Broken glass tumbles down her face and lands in her red and chubby Irish tits.

2: Her Dream

Jean wakes up from one of her dreams, and all of a sudden is quickly out of breath, breathing heavily and once she recalls her dream, starts to experience sulky emotions from it. She lies in pj’s next to Bob as he listens to her describe a dream she had.

"I remember being in a giant, empty room. It was one of those old school European type apartments and it reminds me of a dusty old art studio in a way. I was smoking a cigarette and I still remember the feeling, the taste of the paper in my mouth and I just recall inhaling it (the paper) and everything from then on was just intense and long lasting - it was an intense moment. The feeling of inhaling the smoke was like no other. I’m in that apartment, and I’m looking out the window. I hear honks and chatter coming from down below the balcony and as I lean over and look down with my arms wrapped around the railing, and as my body draped over the balcony, I notice that the traffic was really bad, and the sea of people moving past - everything is so completely choreographed like a military company is in a film.

"The next part I remember happening was my brother and sister kicked me out of the apartment for smoking - they were playing a board game on the floor, and I was distracting them. On my way down I remember something like bumping into a stray dog wandering down the hall and I was coughing because it was dusty and so was the dog. Then soon after, I start walking down the street with this joint and started walking faster and faster and inhaling too. I inhaled even more quickly and even more intensely then swallowed it, but this time held my breath in, so it would stay in my lungs. The dream felt so real, Bob- ‘the experience’. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. After that, I started sprinting for my life, and that’s when the high really set in and everything felt so completely different, even the feeling part of it. I felt something drastically change, it was like a forever moment, like in a movie. A second later, I opened my eyes and there I was, in bed just like a nightmare except I wasn’t afraid, I was calm and focused on something."

After that I’m in the city just walking around and came upon this old café and walked in for some coffee and sat inside at a small round table.

Bob (her husband) has turned his back on her halfway through her story and fallen asleep.

You fell asleep on me? Are you listening to my dream? She shakes him. Well?

She wakes him up: Well, what?

Do you agree?

"Um… yes.

Which part again do you agree with?

Okay, I wasn’t listening. He confesses after all.

Wait a minute guy! YOU WEREN’T LISTENING TO ME? She says in a high-pitched voice.

No, I am! I WAS! I mean. But boy Jean baby… that was some dream you had! Because Jean, you sound really drunk… (she looks at him and he feels bad) Sorry, it’s the truth.

Bob’s cell phone rings and he gets up out of bed to answer it (in his socks and underwear) and digs through his pant pockets on the back of the chair for his phone. He answers it and goes into the other room shutting the door behind him. For a while, Jean is sad and cries a little (to herself) her arms and legs are crossed.

But fine… Five minutes later, he comes back into the room and starts getting dressed (bare-footed):

What are you doing?

Well, I have to go now. (Points to his watch with his finger, she looks over with her eyes).

Oh. Where are you going? Not somewhere dangerous, I hope.

"No, to the office hon.

What now?!

Don’t worry Jean baby… (As he slips into his suit pants).

Bob! Why’s work so important to you that you gotta leave this early? It’s 7 a.m. after all and you don’t work till 9!

He thinks of something to say to excuse himself and bites his tongue:

Um… Bob finishes getting dressed instead.

Well, what then? (Waiting for him to answer her).

So… what? You’re not gonna tell me?

No, sorry. He tucks his shirt in and puts on his jacket