Straight Outta Darkness: A Story for God's Glory

By Faith Love

Straight Outta Darkness is a story for God’s glory.

One of the key principles of a successful addiction recovery is to bear witness of your own to give hope, encouragement and strategies to those in the trenches and battlefields of it. This book tells the story of Faith Love’s fall into the clutches of crack cocaine addiction and the miracle of her release from it. Being the product of a broken, dysfunctional family and often-times debilitating poverty, Faith sought love and acceptance on the streets of a tough Chicago neighborhood filled with an underbelly of crime and drug infestation. It was here that over the course of her young adulthood she became a violent gang member, had two babies, and got strung out on crack cocaine. She lost her home, her children to DCFS, and her dignity. This book is her redemption story, and it began when she became accountable to Jesus. His unexpected voice brought her to her knees and His love led her on the path to victory where she remains today (18 years and counting!) to tell this story for God’s glory.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 28, 2023
• ISBN: 9798369402740

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Copyright © 2023 by Faith Love.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 11/28/2023

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

851899

To every broken vessel who is sick and tired of being sick and tired.

To every heavy, darkened temple strung out on drugs, living a street life

with no hope in their bones and existing with no sense of direction.

This is para mi gente who needs a dose of encouragement,

a new beginning in life, and a way out of misery.

I devote this book to the destruction of every lie that navigates

souls straight into darkness. My prayer is that those conformed

to this world and walking incapacitated will never be the same

again by the time they finish reading this book. I pray they will

become fully motivated to put up a good fight of faith, pursue

life with a new purpose, and be led straight outta darkness.

May you become inspired to anchor your faith in Jesus because

His love works miracles, signs, and wonders, and "hope does

not disappoint, the love of God has been poured out in our hearts

by the Holy Spirit who was given to us all" (Rom. 5:5).

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1     In The Beginning

Chapter 2     Kickin’ The Bobos

Chapter 3     The Descent

Chapter 4     Serving Two Masters

Chapter 5     In The Mire

Chapter 6     The Transition

Chapter 7     Recovery

Chapter 8     No Backing Down

Chapter 9     Intentionally Determined

Chapter 10   Obedience

Chapter 11   Walking Righteously

Chapter 12   Transmogrified

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

F irst and foremost, I give praise, honor, and glorification to my Almighty Lord and Savior for blessing me with the strength, the courage, the knowledge, and the wisdom, along with the powerful gift of discernment, to endure my way through a complex maze. I thank Him for delivering me from the dark trenches, a place that only He was able to function in and deliver me from. I appreciate the Lord for picking me up, setting my feet on solid ground, and becoming my stronghold in life. I value my relationship with Him because He molded me into a mirror my children can look into, a tangible vessel of the Bible and an example for the world to see that greater is He that is in me.

I am forever indebted to the Lord for loving me beyond the days when I was a worthless, reckless wretch. He saw this diamond in the rough, made me tough, and now I stand here buff and bold in my infirmity for His honor and glory. I thank the Lord for being available 24/7/365. Now I live in the fruit of my labor because it all comes from Him.

I thank my children for giving me life, being my reason to fight, bearing this process with me, and understanding my loyalty and commitment to achieving my goal. For two and a half years, we all sacrificed our Sunday fun day together for a lifetime of love and happiness. I thank you for unselfishly giving me up to fulfill God’s will. Thus says the Lord now we may continue to rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is [our] reward in heaven (Matt. 5:12). I thank, love, and adore my first four grandsons for keeping me busy when I needed to get out of the room and giving me someone to smooch. I love you, boys, unconditionally.

There are not many people I can call a friend, but while writing this book, the Lord showed me there is a friend who sticks closer than a [sister] (Prov. 18:24). There are two special women in my life that I could not have fulfilled this journey without.

First and foremost, I would like to thank my writing coach for molding me into the writer that I am today. Through her, the Lord brought this book to full completion. Because of her assistance in editing, it is now an inspiration throughout the world. I could have never done this without you, Coach, and I appreciate you for seeing me past my imperfections and polishing up this diamante in the ruff. Thank you for believing in me when everyone else judged, abandoned, and rejected me. You saw my worth, believed in my work, encouraged me to keep going, and pushed me beyond my limited thinking, and restricted expectations. I thank you for being you. I thank you for never giving up on me and always sticking closer than a sister. I am forever indebted to you.

In my walk of salvation, I carefully picked and chose a few online leaders to follow, including Bishop T. D. Jakes, Dr. Tony Evan, Pastor John Hannah and Pastor Steven Furtick. Each and every one of you also played a key role in my recovery. I thank you for your obedience to lead, write, and facilitate sermons to those of us who walked in darkness.

When I sat in my bedroom for two years writing this book, DappyTKeys released a sound in the atmosphere through his gifted hands. He filled my room with a soft piano worship tune that allowed me to become tranquilized by the Holy Spirit and bring to you this story. Thank you, Mr. Keys, for being the music to my ears.

I also want to give a huge shout-out to the NBC 5 team. During the morning, noon, and night hours, you kept me up to date with what was going on locally and throughout the world. Thank you for always letting me know how to dress for the day and always giving me something or someone to pray about.

I want to send a special thank you to Chicago PD for always being my favorite date night and the best entertainment a girl could ask for while on lockdown. Let me not forget my other favorites Chicago Med and Fire, Law & Order: SVU, American Ninja Warrior, The Voice, and AGT. They played key roles in my amusement for many years, especially for the duration of writing this book. I had minimal time on my hands, and in my opinion, I found these TV shows worth watching.

I send an emotional thank you to every artist on my playlist. Thank you for pushing me through every workout I sweated through and every run I accomplished. I was pumped up and transmogrified through the following multiple artists: Kirk Franklin, Mary Mary, Yolanda Adams, Tasha Cobbs, Free Worship, Youdiel and Jeidimar Rijos, Bethel Music, Bebe & CeCe Winans, Donnie McClurkin, Cody Carnes, Maverick City Music, Kierra Sheard, Koryn Hawthorne, Dante Bowe, Smokie Norful, Natalie Grant, We the Kingdom, Blanca Callahan, Matthew West, Frontline Worship, Marvin Snapp, Kirk Whalum, Cory Asbury, Sinach, Elevation Worship, Puchi Colon, Brian Courtney, Travis Greene, Lauren Daigle, Tori Kelly, Kirk Franklin, Anthony Brown and group Therapy, Israel & New Breed, Lacrae, Sevin, Deitrick Haddon, Michelle Williams, Vickie Winans, Hezekiah Walker, VaShawn Mitchell, Israel Houghton, Pentatonix, Hillsong, James Fortune & FIYA, William McDowell, Martha Munizzi, Tamela Mann, Jekalyn Carr, Chris Tomlin, Planetshakers, Pastor Mike Jr., Fred Hammond, Cephas, DeWayne Woods, Maranda Curtis, Travis Malloy, William Murphy, Jonathan McReynolds, Bryann Trejo (featuring Moe Grant), Eddy James, Aaron Shust, Casting Crowns, Phillips, Craig and Dean, and Riley Clemmons. It is because of the sound that has come through each one of you that my life was rectified. The Lord manifested Himself to me and through me because of your hymns. Thank you for your obedience in writing and singing for the Lord. Music has always been my place of escape and comfort. But for the past eighteen years, I have been uplifted, inspired, and nourished through your moving music. I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To everyone who ever abandoned me, rejected me, turned their back on me, and talked and lied about me, I want to say thank you because yet indeed everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ (Phil. 3:8).

My last and final thank you goes out to you, the one reading. Thank you, mi gente, for taking the time to read my story. I pray this book will encourage you to work out your salvation and that you are inspired to draw nearer to the Lord as He draws nearer to you. "I implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God (2 Cor. 5:20). Do not grow weary of doing good (2 Thess. 3:13). The Lord searches the minds and hearts" (Rev. 2:23). Therefore, always seek to come approved before the Lord morning, noon, and night. Every day I set out to make the conscious decision to become a better person and stay away from wrongdoings. When you do, you will begin to see a better you unfold by the power of prayer.

INTRODUCTION

Rikki placed two bags of crack cocaine and a nickel bag of

weed in front of me and said, "This is what I do when I

get upset. It helps me, and I know it can help you."

T his was a real-life situation for me when I placed my confidence in a man with no reverence for the Lord and what he provided as head of our household were weapons of mass destruction. I was so blinded by his love. In this lifetime, all I aspired for was to love, be loved, and one day share that love. However, when I searched the world for that love, love is not what I found. What was presented to me was an unseen door, and behind that door was a multitude of dismantled paths of destruction that were not detectable; they were invisible. It was a wide door full of worldly love, the kind of love that makes you feel good. I searched the world for a genuine kind of love without knowing what love was all about––the true, bona fide love of Christ Jesus. Therefore, I searched for something I was never going to find. I eventually sowed wickedness and reaped iniquity. I ate the fruit of lies because I trusted in my ways, not knowing that " a man who wanders from the way of understanding will rest in the assembly of the dead " (Prov. 21:16).

To love from a pure heart, from a good conscience, and from sincere faith (1 Tim. 1:5) is how we are to love and teach love. As a child, that was the kind of love Papi, my earthly father, demonstrated, but he eliminated the faith part of that command. He stated that he never understood anything about that life; therefore, he couldn’t teach something he did not understand. Regardless, Papi always carried that special kind of love in his heart, while Mami just followed his lead.

Growing up, I was ignorant of the word of God and unaware of the mercy and grace found in Christ Jesus. That being so, I grew vulnerable in life and became overwhelmed by the manipulations of Satan. In my defenselessness, he covered and consumed me in his darkness as he drowned me in deep dark waters. I was devoured by his evildoings and became a well-known outcast among my familia. Surely, the intention of this thief was to steal, kill, and destroy me all the days of my life because I was designed with a purpose before I was formed in my mother’s womb. My life was predestined and sculptured by our mighty God, and surely, the outcome was to evolve in His victory.

It was only a matter of time before my heart, mind, body, and soul were scattered in dry places throughout the streets of Chicago with no sense of logical direction. Like Moses from the Bible, I wandered in the wilderness for forty years. I was a dead woman who walked enslaved to sin, utilized worldly wisdom, spoke according to my own opinion, and based my feelings on human emotions. Without having to, I went through a process that was not my purpose, searched the world to satisfy my desires, and walked in destruction because of the lack of knowledge in the word of God. I put together a million-piece puzzle before I was able to figure out that I could never give or receive enough from this world. Before I knew it, grief was the price I paid for worldly love, and I came to realize that my downward spiral in life was a set up by Satan himself. His goal was to take my soul, deceive me with his wicked ways of the world, and ultimately get me to curse the name of Jesus to separate me from the way, the truth, and the life.

When the familia strayed and disregarded Jesus, their failure to recognize His glory led to friction and generational curses that created a domino effect in my life and my children’s lives. I grew up a part of the minority and not the majority. No one in my upbringing ever enlightened me to the fact that the Lord brought me into a bountiful country to eat its fruit and its goodness or that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by His marvelous works. Therefore, when I searched the world for the love of my life, identity, and purpose, I continuously fell short of God’s glory. I was loyal to a loveless world, and the result was a darkened pit. It wasn’t until later in life I realized that Jesus was my down payment out of darkness. The Lord guides the humble in justice and teaches sinners His ways. All His paths are mercy and truth (inspired by Psalms 25:8–10). Like many, I had to learn the hard way that I was just existing while living life without the Lord. BUT GOD chased this rebel down with His relentless love, and now I present to you this story for God’s glory.

CHAPTER 1

IN THE BEGINNING

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O n December 18, 1977, at 1:27 p.m., I was born at the city hospital on a chilly forty-four-degree day in the windy city of Chicago. My parents were Boricua to the core with the blood of the Isla del Encanto running through their veins . Papi was a light-skinned extrovert while Mami was a dark-skinned introvert. I was a baby in 1978 when my parents moved my older sister, Melina, and me into the Puerto Rican community in West Humboldt Park. Growing up, I attended an inner-city public elementary school where I was taught the basic skills of reading, writing, and math and the essential life skills of empathy, kindness, and social justice.

We resided only three houses from the school in a spacious six-room, three-bedroom apartment. My parents created an ambiance of elegance with their decorative touches. The dining room featured a recessed wall encased with mirrors above which Papi proudly displayed a wooden shotgun, handguns, swords, and two small shields. Mami decked out the rest of the place with a more feminine style. Our dining room had a crystal chandelier that sparkled above a heavy maple wood table and sent slivers of multicolored lights onto its matching chinero where Mami kept her best china and figuras.

Our sala had the best sofas upholstered in silky brown fabric that Mami fiercely protected with plastic that stuck to the skin on hot summer days and was too cold to sit on during frigid winter mornings. My parents did it big with their floor-model RCA-colored television. It was in front of that TV where our familia gathered with our Jiffy Pop and created some of our fondest memories together while we watched the popular shows of the era: The Love Boat, Miami Vice, and my favorite Knight Rider. Mami and Papi would sit on the sofa with their tub of popcorn while Melina and I laid on the rug in our Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bags eating our popcorn straight from the foil tin. On weekends, Papi ordered Father & Son Pizza, we settled in for movie night, and watched our favorites like The Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, or Scarface.

Both Papi and Mami worked for a living. Mami was a quality control inspector while Papi worked as a butcher for a mercado. He was also a well-known DJ who worked on weekends as an MC and entertainer at local clubs and halls. Unlike Mami, Papi didn’t pay any attention to fashion or anything materialistic, fancy, or glamorous. He always said to give him seven pairs of underwear, seven pairs of socks, two pairs of jeans, two shirts and he would survive on that. He always wanted and enjoyed the simple things in life because his heart lined up with the instructions For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. With having food and clothing, we shall be content (1 Tim. 6:7–8). All Papi required in the house was a room of his own for his DJ equipment. It was here that he spent hours at a time jamming to his music while spinning vinyl records on his two turntables. He would have his headphones on and constantly rotated the music through his mixer as he smiled and danced to Celia Cruz and Tito Puente. He was a class of his own and always brought forth a joy that was captivating. On his simple days, he would play Fania All-stars on his 8-track and call it a day. He has always been that simple.

Because Papi needed his DJ room, Melina and I shared a bedroom. We loved our full-sized ivory-colored canopy bed covered with our favorite Strawberry Shortcake sheets and play dolls. We shared a matching juego de cuarto (bedroom set) and filled the shelves on the wall with our porcelain dolls and stuffed animals. Although Melina and I shared a room, where we slept in the same bed and watched hours of TV together, we never got along. We fought over our Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, argued over Garbage Pail Kids trading cards, and never agreed on a film reel to put inside our View-Master. If I had the Etch-a-Sketch, she would want it. We even fought over which color of Wela’s famous límber (freeze cup) we were going to have. She wanted red, so I wanted red. We never wanted to share clothes, much less space on the dresser. There was always tension between us. We never saw eye to eye and we grew up as different as night and day. Papi handled our discipline and was the man who taught us to bear the yoke in our youth (inspired by Lamen. 3:27). He gently corrected and encouraged us to love one another. Regardless of how unruly we became, at bedtime, he tucked us in, kissed us good night, and told us he loved us.

In school, Melina was an average student, while I maintained an honor-roll achievement. I worked with ambition––always smarter, not harder––just as Papi taught us. My grades qualified me to be a patrol guard before and after school. I loved the job of leading and guiding people in the right direction. In the morning, I was always anxious to get on the school grounds before my duty to play pinners with the boys; there was great fun in bouncing a ball off the wall and being the person to catch it. Fearless and flexible, I was adept at swinging on the monkey bars and taught others how to do flips. I was always a thrill seeker. Back in my days, our swings at the playground were not curved upright and tight. They were linked to a two-foot-long, six-inch-wide seat made strong enough for me to stand up on and challenge others to see who can go higher while standing up. I realize now that even back in those days, I had leadership skills and thrived on spontaneity. I was designed to become more than a conqueror (inspired by Rom. 8:37).

In those days, we were blessed to have dedicated teachers who volunteered their time to arrive before class to help students who had a special ambition and desire to go above and beyond their basic academic training. They would edify and sharpen us to become all we set out to be. My teachers provided me with unlimited support and encouragement. My favorite subject was English. In class, I learned the fundamentals of creative writing. I became innovative with the visions in my mind and created stories, plays, and poems. Outside of the classroom, I discovered writing to be an outlet for me to pour out my emotions. My least favorite teacher was sarcastic and conceited. We would all try to hold back our laughter when he pulled out his mirror in the middle of teaching to adjust his toupee. For one reason or the other, he always rejected me. If I asked to go to the washroom, he would say no. When I raised my hand to answer a question, he would ignore me. I was so hurt by his dismissal of me that I told Papi, and he decided to pay him a visit.

The next morning, Papi walked to school with me and requested to speak with him. The security guard gave us a hall pass and we walked upstairs to the classroom. Papi and my teacher were talking when I slipped away for a drink of water. When I bent over the fountain for a sip, I heard voices shouting in anger. I ran back to the room to find them pointing their fingers at each other then, to my horror, I watched Papi grab the teacher by the neck and shove him against the wall. I ran toward them, pulled on Papi’s shirt, and pleaded, "Stop, Papi, stop! With his hand still on his neck, he looked at me and then looked back at the teacher. Finally, letting go, he straightened out his blazer and said through his teeth, I am never to hear of another complaint from my daughter again. The next time, there won’t be no talking, CAPISCE?" Papi extended his hand out to me. I put my hand in his, and together, we walked out of the school. He assured me that the teacher would never bother me again!

Papi’s parents raised him and his other siblings as Pentecostals, but because Papi and his sister Lucia didn’t understand that life, they formed a get-along gang with Mami’s familia. For the first decade of my existence, we had a fun-filled life together. Melina and I were the only girls among ten cousins, and we all hung out outdoors for hours, playing old-school games like kick the can, freeze tag, hide-and-seek, hopscotch, and Chinese jump rope. We also played the famous Chicago-style sixteen-inch softball, volleyball, football, basketball, and kickball. Melina and I were the pro-roller skaters; we were always better than the boys. We would gather to watch WWF wrestling matches. Inspired by Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and Rick Flair, we formed wrestling matches of our own. We became tough and learned how to break out of rough situations. I loved them and together we learned a lot about life, but my favorite cousin of all was Spanky.

Born only ten months apart, Spanky and I shared a special bond and were inseparable. As kids, we played with Hot Wheels, GI Joes, and Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots. He would even play Barbies with me; of course, he was always Ken. He had a Big Wheel tricycle and would stand up in the back of it while I pedaled and took the wheel. Spanky was my partner in crime, and together, we were Batman and Robin all the days of our lives. At our family gatherings, we grew up watching our parents dance to salsa and merengue tunes while getting down and boogieing to some disco beats. With every move they made, Spanky and I were on the dance floor with them, copying them, trying to follow them, while getting down with them and having a great time. Spanky had an older brother by the name of Jason. Their father, Juan, was married to my Titi Janet. Although Tio Juan was not my blood relative, he was always my favorite uncle.

Just about every family gathering took place at Tio Juan and Titi Janet’s single-family home. The house was beautiful, but there were a few things missing. Tio Juan and Papi built a deck in the backyard, touched up the kitchen, and gutted the washroom. They built a kitchen and added a washroom to the basement where we created unforgettable memories as a familia. We celebrated every holiday together and enjoyed countless barbecues and quality time. Tio Juan never had a daughter, so I always received a special kind of love from him and he treated me as his own. He made me laugh when he would pull out his dentures to try to scare me. He taught me to ride Melina’s Pink Huffy bike in the back alley behind their home. He loved to interact with us and showed us how to become team players. A big kid at heart, he taught us how to play outdoor games like running bases and chapita, where he used the sidewalk, a bottle cap, and a basketball to create moments of childhood hysteria. One would be surprised at what my uncle made from nothing. Always the party entertainer, he would pull everyone out to dance and then later bring out the dominoes. The adults played until way after midnight, while us cousins ran around, having fun.

Ever since I can remember, summertime in Chicago has, and always will be our shortest season of the year. Papi and Tio Juan took advantage of every sunny hot weekend and planned fun outings. From time to time, we would pack up our cars and travel an hour north of the city and spend the day at a beach, but most of our summers were spent at a Chicago lakefront beach also known to me back in those days as The Rocks. As a familia, we would park our coolers, spread out the blankets, combine the food, set up the grill, and spend endless hours together. Tio Mario, his wife (at the time) Titi Margo, and their three boys would join us. I still smile when I remember crayfishing in between the rocks and how Tio Juan would hook the little creatures onto his ears when we caught them and chased us to make us laugh.

My favorite summer memory of all time was when I was six years old. Papi asked me Do you want to go for a swim? My fearless soul jumped with excitement. After all, this was an opportunity to do big things like my Papi! Together, we swam about a half mile offshore. He was always protective of me and thoroughly explained how vital it was to break the fear of water. With that said, he also ensured it would be done. He taught me how to never be afraid and float when I got tired, swim the breaststroke when I needed air, never stop kicking my feet so that I wouldn’t sink, and dogpaddle if I wanted to stay above the water. Papi explained to never panic and always keep my feet and arms moving. He guided me the entire way, giving me instructions on how to breathe while encouraging and inspiring me to keep pushing. When we returned, I felt I could accomplish anything and everything. Surely, a new seed had been planted. Thereafter, I swam like a fish because I was determined to perfect and incorporate all what Papi taught me during our swim.

Life growing up as a child was all I could have ever imagined it to be. Our familia outings were the best. There was never a dull moment with Papi and my Tios, who were funny and well-known pranksters. The weekend of Halloween we celebrated Papi’s thirtieth birthday at Titi Lucia’s house and it will be forever etched in my memory. We turned her basement into the spookiest place, and the entire familia came by to celebrate. With the disco lights twirling above, everyone was dressed up in their costumes and danced nonstop beneath it. Spanky was a scarecrow and I was a witch. We joined the adults and jammed with them to our favorite party song, The Conga by Gloria Estefan, as we danced down the Soul Train aisle. The music suddenly stopped when a huge, seven-foot person, draped in an orange blanket and wearing an ugly green monster mask, appeared out of nowhere. This person stood in the center of the kitchen, and we laughed for a few minutes, and then grew curious, wondering who this mysterious monster was. When asked, Who are you? The person just shook their head. No one knew what was going on or who was under the garment, and the atmosphere lost its revelry. Tio Mario demanded that this person reveal themself, but the monster remained silent and just shook it’s head. Papi told us all to stand back while he stepped protectively in front of us while wearing his Bruce Lee costume and armed with a baseball bat in his hands. It was only then that this monster pulled off the mask with laughter and told Papi, "TE DIJE QUE TE IBA ASUSTAR (I TOLD YOU I WOULD SCARE YOU)!" It was my Tio Juan, who was always up for a good laugh.

My familia supported every Chicago team that existed. From the Bears to the Cubs to the Chicago White Sox. Together, we were that loud rooting, happy familia, who loved to cheer on our home teams. My cousins and I were the first generation to play video games when Atari 2600 exploded in the eighties; Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, and Gallaga were my favorites. I became inspired to learn dance moves from movies like Footloose, Fast Forward, and Flashdance. I grew intrigued by the Karate Kid and aspired to do martial arts like him. We always had a scary story to tell, a song to dance or lip-sync to, a game of Operation to play or a face to design on the Lite Brite. However, my favorite of all time was playing Cops and Robbers. Spanky and I were always partners. We would act out an entire scene and bust my other cousins who played the bad guys. This was our kind of fun to have back in the day.

One morning during summer break, there was an unexpected shift in our cycle, and the atmosphere became filled with the unknown. Around the age of seven, Melina and I got dropped off in the morning at Papi’s parents house to be babysat while he and Mami went to work. We didn’t know this place or our grandparents very well. As the summer went on and we spent more time with them, I observed my abuela closely. Twice a day she would say in her Spanglish accent, "Ju sit right down aquí on the sofa y no te muevas. I go en el cuarto to pray para una hora." I was a curious little girl who had no understanding of what she was talking about and became determined to find out what she was going to do in her bedroom. So, I did the opposite of what she asked of us. As quietly as possible, I slid off the plastic covered red sofa, ignoring Melina who told me to stay sitting down. My inquiring mind wanted to know what my grandmother was doing. I tiptoed to the room, peeked in, and witnessed her on her knees, at her bedside, thanking God for health, food, goodness, mercy, and grace and then asking God to lead and guide others. This was new to my ears yet captivated my heart!

The season had changed and it was time to get back to school. Melina and I had to walk from our grandparents’ house to school and walk back there afterward to wait for Mami or Papi to pick us up. When we arrived from school, Abuela would tell us to lie down and rest while she prepared dinner. One day, while in the front bedroom alone, peacefully resting, Abuelo slipped in wearing his blue bathrobe and quietly closed the door behind him. He looked at me with different eyes as he walked toward me, touching his penis. I was lying in bed. I grew scared and confused, so I asked him, What are you doing?

He covered my mouth with his hand and told me to be quiet and then placed my hand on his penis. I didn’t want to touch him; I pulled my hand out of his. He put his hand between my legs and started to grope me. I pushed it away and told him to stop. Suddenly and aggressively, he leaned toward me and grabbed me by my shoulders. With his face in mine, he told me I was to do what I was told to do and when I was told to do it. He warned me to never speak of this to anyone because no one would believe me.

When he finally left the room, he left behind an affliction in my heart. For the first time in my life, I felt the spirit of sexual molestation and fear descended upon me; my life was now marked with a generational curse. I was violated and trespassed and had a feeling of burning hatred in my inner soul. I had never known such things existed. My heart was beating as fast as the tears that were coming down my face. I balled up, pulled my knees to my chest, and cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up, I heard Mami in the kitchen. I jumped up and joined her and Abuela in the kitchen, where they were finishing up a cup of café Bustelo. To my relief, Mami told Melina and me it was time to leave and to go grab our things. In the Latino culture and in Biblical tradition, it is habitual to greet and part with a kiss. When Mami told us to give Abuelo a kiss goodbye, my moment of relief quickly evaporated. I walked toward him while revulsion and fear settled in the pit of my stomach. He was sitting on the sofa in the sala, watching TV. Reluctantly, I bent over to kiss his cheek and without warning, he turned his head and shoved his tongue in my mouth. I ran to Mami, scared, grabbed her by the hand, and told her, Let’s go!

This season of abuse went on for a year or so. It turned out that I wasn’t the only one being aff licted by this Pentecostal predator; he was also violating others. I told Mami what was going on, which was hard. When she told Papi, his quick response was simply, My father would never do that! My disclosure was never believed and was swept under the rug as if it weren’t important and nothing had ever happened. They put on invisible blinders and chose to see no evil, hear no evil, and never protect me from evil. Papi, the man who would stand at the front lines for his children, didn’t do anything to shelter me from the wicked one. For the first time, I questioned his love. My safety and emotions were not taken into consideration. Even though I was being violated, disrespected, and taken advantage of, I was continuously dropped off there and the cycle continued just as Abuelo said. I had been exposed to indecent exposure, and now I had to hold my composure, and allow this fallen soldier of a grandfather to pursue me and spitefully use me. I couldn’t understand how this man who would walk around the house singing the hallelujah to God and saying Glory to you, Jesus could then turn around and walk in deceit and wickedness; surely, he was an impostor. I didn’t know who this God was that he was speaking to, but I unquestionably opened my mouth, looked up as he did, and asked God to deliver us from the enemy’s deadly hand.

My life during this time started to plummet. I would hear my parents argue often. Mostly about their finances. Papi would yell about the furniture bills she racked up while she would go at him about his late nights at the club DJing. When he tried to silently sneak in through the back door in the morning, Mami would be up waiting and they would fight for hours. Even though it seemed like things between them were not going so well, one day Mami discovered she was pregnant. I was eight and a half years old when my brother Elijah was born. We welcomed him home on a warm afternoon. Before he arrived, we decorated the front of the house with a huge blue sign that read It’s a Boy. The inside of the house was covered with blue balloons that floated down from the ceiling and a blue frosted cake from Roeser’s Bakery sat in the middle of the kitchen table to celebrate his birth and Melina’s birthday, since they were now a day apart. Together, we all smooched him, and my parents seemed to fall in love all over again. He was the vessel my parents hoped for to keep their marriage alive.

Shortly after the arrival of Elijah, a dramatic change took place. We packed up the entire apartment, put everything in storage, and went to live in Titi Lucia’s small box-style basement. Papi put up drywall and created two bedrooms for us so we could all have some privacy and he made the best of the rest of the room. He kept it very simple and laid out one sofa and the TV, where of course, Melina and I couldn’t miss Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. He filled the remaining small space with a table and four chairs, keeping the little kitchen open for movement. This was the place where we used to come to play and now it was our home. I didn’t understand the sudden change. I was a kid anyway and all I could say was okay.

Papi took Melina and me on a new adventure to learn our new route to school. As we walked to the nearest Chicago Transit Authority bus stop, he always shed light on the importance of remaining alert and advised, Every few minutes, it’s okay to peek over your shoulder to make sure no one is behind you. Make sure you stay on the big avenue. God forbid something happens. Someone is always on the busy streets. As the green limousine approached us he explained to us how to read the bus sign while he pointed to the number, 73, located at the top of the bus. He told us to remember that number because it would be this bus that we would take each day. Together we got on the bus. He showed us where to put our money and told us to sit near the front. "ALWAYS be aware of your surroundings," he said. He warned us to become familiar with the names of the streets to avoid ever getting lost. He advised us to never be afraid to ask questions, as no question was ever a dumb one. When we exited the bus, he pointed out the department store on the southwest corner as a landmark for us to remember our exit. I didn’t like that we had to do this, but at the same time, a wise [daughter] heeds her father’s instruction (Prov. 13:1). I was grateful that we didn’t have to go back to my grandparents’ house. I looked up to the heavens like my abuela always used to do and said, "Gracias Señor or Thank you, Jesus!" With gratitude in my heart and a smile on my face, I abided in what Papi instructed us to do as we continued this new walk of life.

We celebrated Elijah’s first birthday and Melina’s twelfth birthday in Titi Lucia’s basement. The smiles were big, the salsa music was loud, and the food was plentiful. The gift opening was the best part for Melina because she received beautiful new clothes straight from Big Bopper Magazine. I grew jealous when I saw her stone-washed jeans, jacket, and purse. My Titi Janet told me to hold on until my birthday and that I would receive the same, but I never did. With my birthday being seven days before Christmas, I never saw a celebration as good as my siblings. They got the best while my birthday was combined with our Christmas celebration.

In the early months of 1988, Papi and Mami finally found an apartment close to Tio Juan’s house. We moved back into a three-bedroom apartment, only this time because Elijah was the only boy, he got his own room. It was nice to be back in a regular apartment with all our furniture. I felt like I was back in mi casa. But at the same time, my parents’ relationship was only getting worse. One morning, I woke to the sound of my parents arguing over money and I tiptoed to the bedroom door to listen. Mami didn’t want to give Papi any money from their income tax refund. "NO TE LO VOY A DAR!" she screamed.

"ESTO ES PARA LA FAMILIA!" Papi yelled, GIVE ME SOME––

I suddenly heard shoving going on and I grew nervous and scared. The kitchen table ground against the floor and then banged into the wall. Their voices grew louder. Then Papi stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. That’s when the joy of [my] heart ceased; [my] dance had turned into mourning (Lam. 5:15), and [my] broken spirit dried [my] bones (Prov. 17:22).

At dinnertime later that evening, we gathered around the table to eat. Everything seemed normal except that Papi’s seat was empty. This didn’t seem to bother anyone except me. I looked around the table and saw Mami feeding Elijah and because Papi wasn’t sitting at the table, Melina was picking out her beans, being defiant to Papi’s rule of EAT ALL YOUR FOOD BECAUSE THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN THE WORLD THAT WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THIS MEAL. I had no appetite for the arroz con gandules that Mami had prepared. I couldn’t take my eyes off Papi’s empty seat. "Mami, where’s Papi?" I asked.

He’s gone, she said. Now, eat. I finished dinner and went to lay down. I cried myself to sleep when I discovered Papi wasn’t coming home.

After the separation, Mami grew upset and a spirit of bitterness descended upon her. Often, she would come home from work and talk about Papi and question how he could leave and abandon us. She would put him down and slander his name right in front of us. She became a creature of darkness who never absorbed the SON. We seldom did anything. Once summer came, we had beach outings, but they were not the same. Even the location was different. Although it was fun, Papi was still missing and I would take long swims to remember him. We could no longer crayfish because there were no stacks of rocks. Tio Juan would take off for a jog along the Chicago lakefront when I tried to join him, he was too fast and left me behind. Most of our time was now spent at Titi Janet’s house. Our familia was shifting and times were different without Papi. The vibes were no longer alive and bright but rather dark and lonely.

The pessimistic talk pierced my heart and my ears couldn’t take it anymore. It was eating away at my soul. Surely, I wasn’t like the rest of them who would or could sit around the table with coffee, crackers, and cheese para bochinchar without the knowledge that the Bible had a correction for them too as indicated in the book of Proverbs 11:13: A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is of a faithful spirit conceals a matter. It was then I discovered I was different from the rest. I was chosen and set aside. I couldn’t accept in my heart what was coming out of my familia’s mouths. All I ever heard out of Mami’s mouth reflected her broken heart. However, despite her devastation, she continued to work hard and press forward to support us financially. She maintained a roof over our heads and a hot meal on the table and ensured the bills were paid. But there was a void in her heart––and mine––and it endlessly drew us apart. Surely, all I ever heard was death descend upon me, around me, and in me. Though she kept it together one way, she detached from the emotional, compassionate aspect of parenting, not realizing that death and life are in the power of [her] tongue (Prov. 18:21).

Lucky for us, Wela, Mami’s mother, moved in to help us out. She had a humble heart and a spirit of hospitality. She would wake up before Mami to make her coffee and see her off to work. Then, she would wake up Melina and me, feed us, and assist with getting us ready for school. When we would get back home, she would have sopita’s con huevo, my favorite soup and eggs, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as a snack before she prepared dinner so Mami wouldn’t have to do it. She made our days brighter as she lightened the heavy loads of our lives.

One day, while I was washing the dishes in the kitchen, Mami and Wela were sitting down at the table, sipping on a cup of café con leche while munching on crackers and cheese. Mami expressed how she was worried about the finances. She explained that she had to find a cheaper place to live since she and Papi were getting a divorce. I heard Mami’s cry, so with a sigh, I looked up and asked the same God who helped us out of our situation before to now help Mami find an affordable place to live.

A few days later I got out of school, I was about to walk into the corner store when I saw a For Rent sign on the front door. I wrote down the number and I walked home super excited to tell Mami about this. When she called to inquire about the apartment, we discovered that it was in our old neighborhood, three houses away from the corner store, where I recovered the phone number. Upon arrival, the landlord met and took us to the second floor. The living room and the dining room were carpeted. At the rear of the apartment were a small bedroom, a washroom, and a kitchen. I opened the back door and stepped onto the enclosed back porch. As I looked out the window, I remembered a street vendor who sold helados de coco (homemade coconut ice cream). After our thorough walk-through and a closer look at the landlord, I recognized him. I asked him if he had a daughter named Margie. When he answered yes, it all came back to me. She and I attended elementary school together until the year she never returned. She had gone to Puerto Rico to be with her mother. As I hoped and prayed, he gave Mami the apartment and we were on our way to a new beginning.

In early 1989, we moved into our next season. Mami had her own bedroom, while Melina and I continued to share a room, and Wela and Elijah slept on a twin-size bed in the dining room because there wasn’t another bedroom. Mami accommodated us all to the best of her ability. Things got a lot easier for Melina and me because school was so close. By this time, Melina was in eighth grade and I was in sixth. Papi had left the state, far away from his responsibilities, and I missed him dearly. Nothing much had changed in Mami. Regardless of how much easier things got for us all, she still came home agitated and aggravated and would complain about everything, not realizing the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell (James 3:6). She held on to the fact that Papi had left her for another woman. She took it out on us and reminded us every day just how hurt she was. There was always something to complain about when she arrived home from work, or she would yell about something not being done to her satisfaction. There was never a time I could remember when she arrived home from work to embrace me, ask me about my day, or recognize my need for comfort as this separation and ongoing divorce were hard on me too. She was not the only one hurting.

I couldn’t handle her lack of enthusiasm for life. With her preference for negativity all around the house, the atmosphere shifted, the air became cold, and all the love once known and instilled in my heart seemed to evaporate. A battle with confusion, loneliness, and hatred began within me as Mami’s unconstructiveness as a parent drove me to the streets to escape her brokenness. Thank God we had a field house located on the school grounds. At this encouraging place of safety there were programs designed to bring children of the neighborhood under one roof. No matter the color, race, or culture, we came together for a great cause, to learn and exhibit STRUCTURE, UNITY, and PROSPERITY! I was able to get involved in sports, be around positive people, and do entertaining things. It was then and there that the athlete in me was activated. I brought forth my ability, knowledge, and skills in the sports my cousins had instilled in me while growing up. It was through this program that I shined as being different and it kept me from being home, isolated within Mami’s desolation.

There was a posting for flag football and I signed up to play. Of course, I was the only female among all boys but the coach never discriminated against me. He treated me as an equal and taught us the fundamentals of the sport. He diligently sharpened our athleticism and was highly impressed with my ability to accurately throw the football. He allowed me to practice and play as a quarterback or wide receiver, never doubting my ability. He told me I was as good as the boys and that he could see me doing great things in life. During this season, I established an extended friendship with others from both in and out of my school. I grew close to a girl named Jessica who attended the same school but was in the seventh grade. At the same time, I also established a bond with Animal, who was not your everyday kind of guy. He was our best player and the fastest runner. His skills were out of this world. He was untamed in his walk, hood in his talk, but phenomenal in athletics. He was great at every sport he played. He was a gifted gang banger who was simply trying to fit in. He became my close friend and together, we enjoyed hot chocolate with marshmallows after cold practice sessions on the field. Instead of going home, we would all team up to play ping-pong, practice wrestling, and just hang out. The friendship between Animal and I grew into a partnership and together, we competed in a citywide ping-pong competition where we won a third-place medal. This inspired me to come under Ms. Beltron’s wing and prepare for other competitions such as girls’ three-on-three basketball, bounce ball, and many more. These ultimately built my courage and stamina to participate and compete in a citywide track-and-field competition at Hanson Park Stadium. This multilevel competition was one of the greatest things I had ever trained for. Our coaches believed in us and worked hard to train us every day, and with great effort and commitment from the entire team, we brought home a first-place trophy and earned the experience of what it was like to take our proper place on that podium and become mini-Olympians.

The hard work I displayed and the positive output I demonstrated never caught Mami’s attention. Nothing I ever did was important to her. She was too busy nurturing her misery and letting out unwanted vibes. She couldn’t let go of the past to enable her to move forward to what could be. She forgot that she had three children who needed her to be an example of perseverance and a reflection of humility and forgiveness. What I sought was parental guidance, love, and inspiration, but what I received was the third degree as to why I loved Papi so much when he abandoned us. In return, I grew angry, bitter, and above all, rebellious.

As a child, I never understood why Papi left Mami or was able to comprehend how easy it was for him to walk away from his familia with no remorse. I wasn’t able to find logic in his simultaneous rejection. I remained unable to make sense of why Mami was so lost in her anger and couldn’t seem to love us. I wasn’t able to understand the emotional disturbance going on inside of me. I could not find a sound mind, a genuine face, or a warm embrace to shut down this complex maze. I wasn’t able to put up a genuine smile. Our old days became extinct, laughter no longer existed, and I became emotionally empty and grew desperate to fill in the gap. I went on to look for love in all the wrong places. Behold, while seeking pleasure in human treasure, what I found was a new desert.

For My people are foolish, they have not known Me. They are silly children, and they have no understanding. They are wise to do evil, but to do good they have no knowledge (Jer. 4:22).

CHAPTER 2

KICKIN’ THE BOBOS

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W hile growing up, I was never taught the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (Prov. 1:7) or that in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God (John 1:1). I wasn’t taught how or where to find wisdom, gain understanding, or follow B asic I nstructions B efore L eaving E arth: Our BIBLE. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all things will be added to you (Matt . 6:33). I didn’t know any of this. In fact, I did the total opposite of this order without knowing our " adversary, the devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking someone whom he may devour" as warned in 1 Peter 5:8. Therefore, Satan seeped into my life took advantage of my broken, delicate, vulnerable situation and filled my heart, mind, and ways with his master manipulations. He used the invisible feeling of worthlessness to his advantage to decompose me and ensure I would never achieve my true calling. I felt abandoned, neglected, and rejected. These stumbling blocks designed, inflicted, orchestrated, and executed by Satan, went straight into my dome, through my home and before I knew it, all around me was a dead-end zone. This emotional roller coaster and set of invisible negative feelings steered me into unpleasant circumstances because there was no spiritual foundation set under me. Therefore, [I was] led away with the error of the wicked (2 Pet. 3:17).

I had no warning that evil company corrupts good character (1 Cor. 15:33). While at the park, I found an outlet where I was able to do positive things and escape the land of misery to fill my emotional gap. But seeking love or a place to fit in without proper guidance is like living life in the darkness; you don’t know what makes you stumble. What I was not prepared for or understood anything about, was the power of choice. Hanging out at the park opened many worldly doors that consisted of choices. These choices would mold me and define me, make me, or break me. Life-changing decisions provided me with the ability to define my destiny and unfortunately for me, just trying to fit in, I made all the wrong choices and was led STRAIGHT INTO DARKNESS. In the spiritual realm, Satan shot me his best darts and pierced my path with a deadly draft.

I was seeking a place of love and compassion where there was no yelling or depressing talk. I had the desire to be in a surrounding where I could genuinely smile, laugh, and feel like familia again. Moving into the new apartment became an easy way for me to tell Mami one thing, then slip and do another as foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child (Prov.