Count Dracwolfenstein-tep

By George Kellogg

What is a soul, exactly? 
When 'Frankie,' the Frankenstein monster, discovers he lacks a soul, he becomes determined to acquire one so he can marry his girlfriend, Izzy. Frankie seeks help and returns to Castle Frankenstein, where he surprises Dr. Victor von Frankenstein and Igor. Although they are reluctant at first, they eventually offer their assistance. During their studies at Castle Frankenstein, they encounter Dr. Nabil Ur Thoth, who offers his help. At Nabil's request, they journey to Egypt, where they face numerous dangers and have life-altering adventures. Back in Transylvania, after a series of mishaps on a midnight walk in the woods, Count Dracula, The Wolfman, and Imhotep the Mummy all end up trapped in Frankie's body, leading to hilarious but potentially disastrous results. Can 'the boys' learn to get along despite being natural enemies? Can they grasp the science behind this mishap? Most importantly, can they save the world from a madman and help Frankie find a soul?

• Language: English
• Publisher: BooxAi
• Release date: Oct 23, 2023
• ISBN: 9789655785449

Book preview

Chapter

One

IGOR stared in fascination as the massive Tesla coils sparked, pushing their bolts of electricity from top to bottom, buzzing and crackling, depositing their high voltage into Leyden jars for storage. The distinct odor of ozone permeated the air, threatening to choke anyone who breathed too deeply. Tubes glowed orange and went dark again as some gauges danced crazily while others held steadily. Nameless machines screamed and whirred, pounded, and popped! Smoke filled parts of the lab and chaos reigned! Overhead, through the skylights, Igor could see that his kites were tied off securely as they successfully harnessed the lightning that ripped through the rain-soaked midnight sky. It then traveled down the long, thick black cables and into the lab where it was captured and made to serve the Master of Castle Frankenstein.

This was the birthplace of the Frankenstein Monster. The rack that once held the Monster’s form was secured this night, for it was not needed. No, tonight this was a completely different experiment. No revivifications were to be performed. That business was over, by order of His Honor, the Magistrate, and the Burgermeister Schicklegrüber himself.

Instead of a revivified being, a special red fluid was of concern to the good doctor and his assistant. The bloody-looking substance was drawn into a sealed beaker of clear, invisible gas. It flowed steadily through glass piping that led from a copper vat, which was heated to the perfect temperature. The uniform flow of crimson substance was caused by a vacuum that drew it unerringly into the gas. The deep red liquid began to effervesce, forming a light crown of foam on its surface. The doctor was busily turning dials on his machines, as he carefully watched the white crown form inside the beaker.

The lightning arcs flashed off the walls, pale blue and bright. Doctor Victor von Frankenstein and his loyal hunchbacked assistant Igor wore dark goggles to prevent blindness, despite the patch that Igor wore over his left eye. He needed to protect his one good eye, having gone blind in the other long ago. Igor laughed out loud in delight as the fluid behaved according to plan, doing exactly what they expected it to do. The doctor worked furiously at spinning dials, adjusting machines, taking readings, and all else that a mad scientist is expected to do during the crescendo of his creative effort. Lightning power was being fed into strangely intricate and indescribable, mysterious machines, as he darted about, making sure that all was happening precisely as intended.

The lab was filled with noise, confusion, and smoke. Igor manned his switches, pouring on the power at the urging of the doctor. Another popping sound, another shower of sparks, more whirring and screeching. Then, as abruptly as the lighting had brought the laboratory to life, all went inky black and silent.

Out of the darkness, an impatient voice was heard: Well, Igor, what are you waiting for? Light the torches! Let there be light!

Yes, Master! shouted the steadfast assistant.

Igor took the striker out from under the rope he kept around his waist and made sparks to strike a torch. Soon, he had several torches lit. Then he went and stood by the switch near the Leyden jars that held electricity. When the doctor checked all that he needed to verify the safety and stability of the power storage, Igor hit the large power switch and brought the laboratory lights fully on. The blue spark snapped the air, creating a colorful aura which buzzed through the lab. The effect was dazzling!

The instant the doctor had his indispensable light, he ran to his priceless fluid, which was still bubbling away. He observed the perfection of the reactions taking place within the fluid, how the tiny bubbles rose to the top, still creating the perfect top layer of white within the beaker.

Very good, Igor! Very good… Now let us take this elixir of life, this fluid of mystery to the dining room table. Excellent, my worthy servant! Excellent!

Yes, Master Frankenstein!

Igor carefully removed the rubber hose and glass tubing from the beaker. It emitted a gentle hiss and Igor jumped back.

No need to fear, Igor. There is nothing noxious about that gaseous vapor. See how the bubbles went faster and made more of a white cap at the top? That is as I expected.

Yes, Master! replied the hunchback.

Then the doctor took a second look at his assistant. "Wait! Igor, wasn’t your eyepatch on the other eye a moment ago?"

Yes, Master.

But why?

Why?

Yes, why?

Not eye?

Why the eye?

The eye of I?

What?

Why?

Yes, why the eye?

My eye?

Yes, thy eye!

Well… the blindness is in one eye.

Why?

It changes the eye.

Your blindness changes the eye?

Yes. The eye is blind.

The same eye?

No, the other eye.

So… you have blindness that changes eyes?

Yes. It wanders back and forth, Master.

Oh.

Doctor Frankenstein simply shook his head to clear it of that exchange. Igor could be a little challenging at times. Now, hold on, said the doctor. Before you move anything, show me under the patch. Igor lifted the patch and indeed, he was blind in that eye. But how can that be…?

Life’s little mystery perhaps, Master? Medically, is there such a thing as ‘roving blindness?’

"There’s no such thing… Bah! Never mind. Proceed with the fluid, please."

Yes, Master.

The misshapen servant with roving blindness limped over to the table and carefully removed the glass and rubber tubing that led to and from the beaker. Then, with delicate and well-coordinated movements that betrayed his appearance, Igor moved the beaker with such care that it hardly sloshed at all. He moved with the deftness of an expert French waiter. Once the red fluid was safely on the table, the doctor walked to the table and carefully observed what happened inside that sealed glass container. All conditions of the fluid appeared perfect! The mad scientist was pleased with both his newest creation and his servant.

Bring the test tubes, Igor.

Yes, Master.

Igor retrieved a rack of test tubes and set it on the table. Upon the doctor’s nod, he uncorked the beaker and then poured equal amounts of the mysterious fluid into two of the test tubes. He looked up at his Master with great admiration. He awaited the next set of instructions.

"Now… we each take a test tube of red fluid and drink!"

Igor and the doctor picked up their test tubes, toasted with Cheers, and then drank the fluid.

Then, quick as lightning, Igor snatched up a beetle that was crawling across the table to gobble along with his beverage. They both tipped their heads back and emptied their test tubes. Then they smashed the tubes on the stone floor and belched loudly: Braaaaap! They laughed out loud.

Igor smiled and said, This is the best batch of strawberry soda we have ever made, Master.

Yes, Igor! That was the best-tasting batch and those were our best burps yet!

Indeed, Master! The flavor will nicely offset my midnight snacks of rodents and roaches! Igor smiled with beetle legs between his teeth.

"You, my loyal servant -and dare I say friend-, are a true connoisseur!"

They laughed some more and sat down at the table already set with cheese and snack crackers for the doctor and a plate of bugs for Igor. He loved to snack on bugs by his own choice but would eat regular food for dinner. He had something very nice planned for tonight: Pot roast, potatoes, and carrots. Igor had proven skillful in the culinary arts. Victor’s beloved Elizabeth had taught the hunchback how to cook very well before her passing.

Then the tone of the conversation turned thoughtful. Doc began with How could we have fallen so far, Igor? You know there was a day when the red fluid was not pop. It was instead a potion of a life-giving mineral, vitamins, and amino acids fluid mixed with human blood. We created first a living man from dead tissue. Then alongside Doctor Pretorius, we created a living woman. How could we have been reduced to existing alone and burping our days away creating new soda pops and sarsaparillas?

Well, for one thing Master, you promised your original creation, the ‘Frankenstein Monster’ as people called him, that you would stop doing such things if he helped you rebuild the castle. How he survived that explosion is anyone’s guess. You also promised Elizabeth the same thing. Then there is the village court and how they were willing to forgive you if you never did that again and turned over all your research and notes to the medical school. They have been advancing medicine by light years with your work. I don’t think you want to break your word, now do you? Particularly since they threatened to hang us both if we do experiments like that again.

Yes, sighed the doctor. I know, I know. They keep doing weekly tests on the gallows at the crest of the hill just to remind us. We were lucky they showed mercy. Two beings died in that explosion. We lost Doctor Pretorius… who had it coming, by the way, and the female bride for the monster was also destroyed. Both were blown to bits. You were blinded in the… one eye… He paused, thought, and then decided not to address that eyepatch business. For the record, Igor, I thought it to be a poor idea to install a tower self-destruct lever that was unguarded and right out in the open. But Pretorius insisted.

Yes, Master, said Igor as he poured them each another tube of pop. The servant watched his bubble away and then wistfully stated, I almost wish the Frankenstein Monster would return just to liven things up a bit. He laughed and said, Pitchforks and torches might be just what we need. He munched on another bug. They drank another belching toast To the old days, not that either of them truly wanted such chaos ever again.

Seriously, though, Master… what would we do if the ‘Frankenstein Monster’ did come back? He was pretty upset with us when he left last time. A rapping sound rang through the air. Oh, wait, what was that? Master, someone is knocking at the door!

Then stop acting like a fool and open the door. After all, if it were angry villagers or an axe murderer, they certainly would not bother knocking, now would they?

Who wants to murder an axe?

Stop it, Igor, smiled the doctor. Open the door.

But what if they see the lab?

So, what? All we do these days is make pop and burp!

Oh yes. That is true. Very well, Master. Igor hobbled over to the huge door, grabbed the big iron ring, and pulled it open. When he opened the door, he received a shock! His good eye went blind and his blind eye saw again, so he switched the patch. Master! Master! Look! he shouted.

Silhouetted in the doorway was the unmistakable form of ‘the Monster’! The Frankenstein Monster had returned to Castle Frankenstein, the home of his birth! A dramatic interlude filled the air with tension making Doc and Igor glance up, wondering where it came from—Da! Da! Daa! Ta-dum! Igor immediately panicked and grabbed a torch. He waved it at the Monster’s face. The creature did not flee, and hardly even flinched. He roughly snatched the torch from Igor’s hand and waved it back at him.

There… see… how… like… it! the Frankenstein Monster said.

Doctor Victor von Frankenstein, Ph.D., MD and expert re-animator, slowly rose from his seat and approached his creation. He was shocked and amazed. He was shocked to see his creation standing there and he was amazed to see it playing with fire.

Well, monster, he started but was rudely cut off.

Me… have… name… Herr… Döktor! roared Frankie. Name be… Frank… or… name… be… Frankie! he announced, still holding the burning torch.

Sorry, mon-uh-Frank, said the doctor, still trying to shake off his surprise. I am glad that you have chosen a name. Did you pick it yourself?

It wasn’t very creative, mumbled Igor under his breath. Frank, hearing the remark just scowled, grunted, and thrust the burning torch back into Igor’s hand. The faithful assistant and his master just stood helpless as Frank brushed past them and entered the castle.

Everything was just as he left it. He headed straight for the lab and Doctor Frankenstein allowed it, signaling Igor to not make any attempt to block him. After all, he did help rebuild the place. Besides, there was precious little they could do to stop him. They certainly did not put a self-destruct lever in the new design. Besides, the lab could be repaired, even if the monster went on a rampage. They had plenty of time and money was not a problem.

They never did figure out how Frank survived the explosion of the castle. It should have destroyed him with the others. But maybe some things were best left unknown.

After looking around a bit, Frank thumped his chest and glared directly at Igor. I… choose… name. Woman… call… me… that… and… I… like… it! Me… like… her… too.

The doctor was amazed. You have a girlfriend? Congratulations, Frank!

Igor stood by, also amazed. No fear of fire? A girlfriend? Things were certainly different, now! What other surprises await? Igor let the torch get too close to himself and lit his own clothes on fire. Owoo-ooo woohoo! Ow! Ohhh! he shouted.

Igor threw the torch, Frank expertly caught it by the handle. The doctor doused Igor with one of the buckets of water they kept in hand for such emergencies. The hunchbacked servant was not burned, fortunately. His thick wool and leather clothing protected him.

Bwah! Rawl! Rawl! laughed Frank. Now… who… ’fraid… of… fire! Rawhl! Rawhl! Rawhl!

Igor! You have been warned about such carelessness! Must I restrict you from torches again? hollered the doctor.

Sorry, Master Frankenstein… no, master… no restrictions necessary, master!

"Very well, then, Igor. Pick up the extinguished torch and carefully place it back in the holding scabbard."

On his way to pick up the torch, still stinging from his rebuke, Igor muttered, just out of earshot If I was a member of the Lab Assistants Local 36, you wouldn’t talk to me that way.

Did you say something, Igor? asked the doctor.

Just complaining about my own clumsiness, Master Frankenstein.

Very good, then, Igor. Sorry I was so hard on you. Frank could not believe his ears. The doctor used to regularly cuff Igor along the head for such indiscretions.

You… nice… guy… Doc-tor… Frank-en-stein? asked the Monster in earnest.

I… have changed my mind about some things since Elizabeth died, Frank.

Oh… so… Why… you… no… make… her… live?

She forbade it. She knew she was dying and made me promise to not try to revivify her. She was afraid she would lose her soul.

Oh… yes… soul.

What about souls? asked the doctor.

That… what…bring… I… here… No… have… soul… need… soul… You…give… me… soul!

But…I don’t have such power, Frank. I am so sorry.

Girl… no… marry… me… with-out…soul… Doc-tor…Franken-stein. You… make… me… a… body… You… make… me… alive…Now… you… make… me… soul.

Frank, you have free will. Isn’t that enough?

Girl… say… no.

How can you not have a soul?

You… smar-ter… than… me… You… fig-ure… out…

Are you sure it was not your looks? You appear, well, differently… than most men.

Girl… name… Izzy… She… like… Frank… have… different… looks… Her… coven… like… different… looks… They… say… no… light… in… my… eyes… mean… no… soul… High priestess… say… no… can…marry.

"Oh, my poor mons—uh, friend. My poor friend. Well, what can I do about that? If witches won’t accept you as you are…"

You… smart… enough… make… me… Now… you… make… soul! said Frank with irritation in his voice. He started looking around the lab like he was trying to spot something on the wall.

"Frank, don’t bother. There is no lever to blow the place up… again."

Oh, said Frank, disappointed.

You don’t want to do that anyway, do you? Remember how badly you felt? How much work it took to put the place back together?

Yes… remember… Rawl! Rawl! Rawl! he laughed.

What’s so funny?

Find… Pretorius… head… make…it… fun-ny… Rawl!

Dr. Frankenstein thought for a moment, then recalled how the Monster, as he was known then, did find Pretorius’ head. He held it by the hair, pulled the tongue all the way out, and crossed its eyes. Then he worked the mouth and said Me… smart… me… make… wom-an… Me… dead… now…Ha!... Ha!... Ha! As gruesome as that was, it was a bit of comic genius. The doctor had to talk the Monster out of finding the rest of Pretorius and building a marionette. Igor laughed out loud because he remembered that, too. Ah, such memories! That head drew many flies… so juicy they were!

Yes, Frank…We remember. That was very funny, you doing that, my friend.

You… say… friend. You…me… Igor… friends?

Yes. We are friends, and friends help each other.

Igor was amazed at what he was seeing. This was the most kindness the good doctor had shown since the passing of his beloved Elizabeth. Perhaps grief had softened his heart.

But… Frank, you need to understand something. I am not a priest or a philosopher. I learned how to restore the bio-processes, even from death. My discoveries have surpassed what some of our greatest minds would call ‘impossible boundaries’.

You… not… know… soul? Frank could not let go of this. He could not believe that his very maker did not understand the concept of a soul.

I am truly sorry, Frank, said Doctor Frankenstein with regret.

No… help… me?

No, I cannot help you. I would if I could. I truly wish I could.

Oh… Frank’s head hung low. There was nothing more to say. I… leave… now… not… bother… you.

Frank then shuffled out the door and into the night. Igor closed it gently after him and bolted it tightly, not that it would do any good. If Frank wanted in… well…

So, Master, what do you intend to do now?

Do?

You certainly cannot believe that he is gone for good. Remember what happened the last time his love was not requited?

Igor, did you notice how he was looking for another self-destruct lever? Maybe you are right. Maybe he won’t go away, the doctor said to his assistant. I certainly don’t want to live through all that again.

Yes, everyone remembered the night that the revivified woman rejected her would-be suitor, even though they were made for each other… literally! That whole nastiness of the doctor, Elizabeth and Igor barely escaping with their lives from the exploding tower was bad enough. But add in the courts, the trial by public opinion in the press, and the demand of the people for Doctor Frankenstein’s execution and it became a long, horrendous ordeal.

The legal minds of Romania finally decided that the doctor had advanced medical science in unprecedented ways. For that, all the people should be grateful. Not only that, but his creations were destroyed, or so they thought. The courts decided that Dr. Frankenstein should live.

As for Dr. Pretorius, they had wanted to get rid of him for a long time anyway. He was known to be truly mad and loved violating the Laws of Nature. Plus, it was known that Pretorius used threats against Elizabeth to force Frankenstein to help him. So, in the balance, everyone decided that if Doctor Victor von Frankenstein would settle down, get married, and live a quiet life, they would spare him the noose. His castle more or less served as a prison, anyway, since the Frankensteins were not really welcome in town.

When it was finally discovered that the Frankenstein Monster was still alive, they allowed him to live. They understood that he was, no matter how he came to exist, a citizen of Transylvania. So, if he would repair Castle Frankenstein and leave the villagers alone, he would not be imprisoned or hanged. The Frankenstein Monster agreed to the conditions. Ever since, it remained a matter of ‘live and let live’.

The legal terms and conditions still did not stop the local Citizens Requiring Amenable Processes (CRAP) from building the gallows within sight of the castle, just in case. That did not really bother the doctor or Igor much. They figured it served as a good deterrent to the Frankenstein Monster, which it did. He was spotted in town, yes, but everyone left him alone and he bothered no one. He kept company with the gypsy witches, so they really left him alone.

The doctor had dismissed the few rumors that reached him as mere peasant hysterics. He did not believe that the Frankenstein Monster was back… until tonight.

Chapter

Two

The pounding at the door was relentless.

Igor! The pounding at the door is relentless! shouted Doctor Frankenstein.

What, Master?

Igor, the pounding is relentless!

What, Master?

The pounding is relentless!

Dr. Frankenstein turned around and saw that Igor was wearing a headset that covered cotton-stuffed ears. He got Igor’s attention and pointed to his ears.

Oh, yes, Master! My ears are full of cotton!

Why, Igor?

Because the pounding is relentless.

He reached over and removed Igor’s hearing protection. Now can you hear me? he asked.

"Yes, and now I can hear that the pounding is relentless! Ay! Yi! Yi!"

Well, do something about it, then! Stop him!

Yes, Master!

Igor climbed the stairs to the roof to get a better vantage point of the situation and prepared to repel the Frankenstein Monster, now called ‘Frank’. They had warned him enough and it was time to take action. Igor donned his thick elbow-length gloves and rolled the vat of hot oil from over the glowing coals and put it in position. Then he carefully peered over the parapet. No one was there.

But to Igor’s surprise, he saw someone approaching the front entrance. It was a ragged old woman carrying a picnic basket full of flowers. Well, he thought, a trespasser is a trespasser! He switched his eye patch. He set the oil on the edge of the wall and tried to line it up.

As it turned out, she was a moving target, swaying and staggering, hunched over and struggling with the basket in one hand and a walking stick in the other. She appeared so wretched and pathetic that Igor pulled back on the oil. She began beating on the door with her walking stick with surprising strength born of desperation. The doctor heard the banging again and yelled for Igor.

Yes, Master! I am coming! That is not Frank! It appears to be an old woman trying to sell flowers!

I see. Well, then, open the door and let us buy flowers. She must be truly desperate to make the trek all the way from the village to the Frankenstein Castle on foot. I think some flowers would spruce up the place a bit, would they not?

Igor looked around. It would take a lot more than a few flowers. Nonetheless, he followed his Master’s wishes and opened the door. Before they stood a pathetic sight: A ragged old woman, soaked to the bone, her head covered, and shivering and sobbing with exhaustion. Doctor Frankenstein beckoned her to enter, but when she stepped forward, Igor looked down and then got the doctor’s attention.

Master! Look at her footwear!

When the old woman stepped forward, they saw a very familiar hobnail boot. With a lightning move, the doctor snatched away the old woman’s babushka. Now exposed, Frank reared his head back and stared at them both, quite dangerously.

Rawl! he laughed. "Me…trick… you… into… leav-ing… hot… oil… on… roof!... Now… give… me… soul!... Right… now!"

The doctor stepped back quickly, pulling Igor with him and they both slammed the door with Frank on the outside. Igor ran back up the stairs to the oil vat as Frank continued pounding on the door. He was alert to their old tricks and spotted Igor on the roof. He dodged the hot oil and ran off, living to claim his soul another day. Next time, he would need a more foolproof disguise.

On the inside of the castle, they were holding a strategy session just like they did in the old days. They remembered how they repelled the peasants brandishing torches and pitchforks, staves, and stones! From inside the castle, they used the moat, the traps, and hot oil. Ah, the good old days!

Once again, they would have to dust off their old traps and tricks. They came up with some battle plans and determined that they should first secure the perimeter of the castle. They lifted their drawbridge, even though it had been a while and the moving parts needed some grease.

Igor went outside and opened the water gate to allow the creek water to fill the moat. While it filled, he and his master pulled open the trap doors to the tiger pits. Igor set up several deadfall traps of railroad ties and boulders. They even decided to rig some explosive traps, something they did not do to the villagers. They alternated between setting traps, filling the moat, and working in the lab on a new sarsaparilla/vanilla-licorice recipe.

They took turns on a standing watch, but needed help around the clock. They put the word out that they could use some paid help at good wages. It seemed that good help was hard to find in Transylvania. The villagers tolerated their presence and allowed the Frankenstein Monster to roam free, but no one was interested in helping to guard the castle.

Igor’s recruiting efforts in town were met with rejection and moderate disgust. The occasional rotten vegetable was cast in his direction, with halfhearted effort. The overripe garden products were a casual reminder of their general distaste for the history of Castle Frankenstein. No one was overtly cruel, but the message was clear: Leave us alone and we will leave you alone.

Frank stayed away for some time, but the castle residents were not lured into a false sense of security. They knew better than to think that Frank would surrender. Igor suggested that since Frank had thought of creating a more than passable disguise, he might have developed some advanced battle strategizing skills. The doctor agreed, and so between the two of them, they worked out a 24-hour security schedule. They had to allow for adequate sleep, breaks, and meals around the clock with just the two of them.

Then, one day around noon, they were preparing lunch when they realized that they were running low on supplies. They realized that now, like in the old days, they needed to be set up for an extended siege. They were discussing the best way to get into town and come back with a large haul of food and goods when suddenly, the air was pierced with a blood-curdling scream.

Igor scurried up the stairs to see what happened. He hoped it was Frank, because boy, they were ready! He looked down and to his horror, a pair of peasants were pulling their comrade out of a tiger pit! The town sawbones was present and worked on him as soon as they pulled him clear. From what Igor could see, the injured peasant was moving around well enough. The wounds were probably superficial. What were they doing out there, anyway?

There were several men, including the constable, who shouted Helloooo the Castle! We need to talk to Doctor Victor von Frankenstein! Don’t make me get a warrant and raise a posse! We have a hurt man here, already, but we are willing to keep quiet about it if you will let us in!

Wait! Wait! shouted Igor from the parapet. Let me go get Doctor Frankenstein for you! I will be down very quickly! There is no need for mobs and violence! Please wait just a moment! He ran down the steps as quickly as his misshapen form could carry him, switching his eye patch as he went. Master! Master! he cried out in near panic. Da mob! Da mob! We must open the⁠—

Yes, Igor! I am not deaf! I heard the noise, replied the doctor. Quickly! Drop the drawbridge!

Igor did as he was commanded. They heard chains rattle, gears turn, and then a distinct thump and yet another bloodcurdling scream. Then they heard My foot! My foot! and You fool! We told you to stand clear! Bring the doctor, somebody!

Igor turned the wheel to raise the bridge, to the relief of the constable. They pulled their man free and shouted Thank you! Our man is pulled clear! You may drop the bridge. Igor did as he was asked and this time, there was no scream. Phew!

Doctor Frankenstein opened the door and saw unarmed townspeople, carrying torches sufficient to light their way through shadier parts of the forest, and no more. This was much different than it was in the olden times. A villager was having his foot worked on by the town doctor. Another man had his bum thickly patched in gauze. He was lying on his side. The town physician was having a busy night, already!

We are so sorry for that! exclaimed Doctor Frankenstein. Did you not see the yellow-colored stakes marking the ground where the drawbridge would land?

Yes, stated the constable kindly. But, Jovan here, is not very bright. We tried to warn him, but he did not listen to us. Now, what was with the tiger pit? That was a bit much, wouldn’t you say?

Constable, we have our reasons, and those pits are off the main road. He would have to have wandered into our glade to fall in. We have the right to defend our property from wolves and such, said Doctor Frankenstein.

Well, yes, I am sure you do have problems with wolves… that aside, now, how are you, doctor?

Busy! I am working on Jovan’s foot! replied the town sawbones with some irritation.

No! No! You are the wrong doctor! I was addressing Doctor Frankenstein!

Oh. I see. Well proceed, then, replied the doctor. Then he said under his breath, Go ahead and talk to your bloody quack, as he opened a jar of leeches and prepared a mercury tonic.

Doctor Frankenstein, we have made our peace, have we not? asked the constable.

Yes, Constable… Wienerschnitzel, correct?

"Yes, Herr Döktor."

We have made our peace, Constable Wienerschnitzel.

A tiger pit is a strange way to show that.

It was not meant for you. I am sorry your man was hurt.

We are lucky he was not killed.

You know that the tiger pit was dug off of the marked path. Your man should have not tried to take a hidden route. He had nothing to fear from us.

Is your drawbridge booby-trapped? asked Wienerschnitzel.

You are starting to insult me, constable. Of course, it is not.

May I come in, then? With two guards? We are all unarmed, aren’t we, boys? The guards looked at each other. "We are not armed… am I right?" asked the constable.

Umm… perhaps we need a moment, sir.

Yes… you should, perhaps, take a moment, said the constable with some annoyance.

The two men opened up their tunics. They removed several knives, pistols, tomahawks, garrotes, a noose, and parts for a portable guillotine from under their clothing. One guard had to help the other with getting the guillotine blade out of the back of his shorts. No wonder they made so much noise on the way here, thought Wienerschnitzel.

"Well? Is that all? Asked the constable. Janos? You look guilty. Janos then pulled a slingshot out of his back pocket and dropped it on the ground. The constable turned back to Doctor Frankenstein and said, I am so very sorry, doctor."

It is all right. The leeches are taking, said the wrong doctor again.

Fool! I meant Doctor Frankenstein!

Oh, sorry, continue your conversation, said the doctor. He continued to say things under his breath about quacks and charlatans as he had the patient lay on his side and bring his knees to his chest. Then he filled a bellows with smoke from a small metal smudge pot.

As I was saying, Herr Döktor, we are unarmed, Wienerschnitzel spoke with a sidelong glance at his guards. They both looked at the ground and nudged one another, each blaming the other for getting caught.

Very well, then, constable. You know that you are welcome here if you have peaceful intentions. You do not need to threaten me with warrants. I hope you are not here to provoke us?

Igor locked the drawbridge wheel in place and switched his eye patch. He was worried about how this meeting might go. These villagers, armed or not, seem scared. And he knew how dangerous frightened people could be if they become angry.

The two guards gingerly made their way across the bridge, as though they were avoiding land mines. The constable tailed them by about thirty feet.

Don’t you trust me, Constable Wienerschnitzel? Doctor Frankenstein asked with a raised eyebrow.

The constable, clearly embarrassed by his foolish trepidation, squared his shoulders and marched boldly past his men, almost knocking one into the moat. He led them the rest of the way. They entered the castle and the law official looked down upon Igor. He sneered just a bit, but Igor detected it. He smiled in return until the officer said "I see you have your slave… Igor, I believe?" he greeted the hunchback with a slight bow.

"Igor is no man’s slave, Constable Wienerschnitzel. Igor is my assistant."

Igor, said the constable directly to the assistant, are you free to leave Doctor Frankenstein’s employ?

Yes, if I wish. But where would I go? To your village? To sleep in the street with the dogs? And fight with them over the scraps the villagers throw out their back doors? No, thank you.

I think I understand, Igor, said the constable. You are safer and more comfortable here than you would be anywhere else. Very well, then, if the good doctor is treating you well, then I am happy for you.

Suddenly, Janos pointed at the lab and saw bubbly red fluid flowing through the test tubes. Igor had started the machine up again when he saw that the men were just coming to talk. Blood! Constable! They are cooking blood! Such activity was forbidden by the town council! They created a law against it.

Yes, said Wienerschnitzel, it appears, Herr Döktor, that my man is right! What is the meaning of this?

Igor, perhaps these men would like to examine the mystery fluid closer? Fetch a rack of test tubes, please. Pour five of them full and bring them here, said the doctor.

The master of the castle and the three men stood in uncomfortable silence by Doctor Frankenstein’s design. Soon, Igor returned with the test tubes, bubbling and foaming. Igor offered a tube from the rack to each man. They refused it completely.

"I assure you