The Turdinator

By Dick Midnight

Author Dick Midnight has taken familiar sci-fi themes and created poop parodies. In The Turdinator, he utilizes his scatire mastery to tackle The Terminator franchise.

“True creative genius occurs from one of two sources. While you’re in the shower, or on the shitter," Midnight explained. "They say write what you know. I know I’ve had a lot of apricots in my lifetime.”

The Turdinator tells the tale of Lana Colahna, a typical young woman in her prime just looking to let loose and have some fun on a Friday night. But a menacing killing machine from the future has been instructed to eliminate her and bring an end to a human rebellion decades in the making. Oh sure, time travel is confusing, but this is what those machines are doing, and what Lana has to try to survive. But she has battles on two fronts. That's inaccurate. She has a battle with the machine in front of her, and digestive implications on her backside.

The following is an excerpt from The Turdinator:

"The colossal creation made a dramatic plunge into the massive sewage vestibule. It splashed furiously in an effort to maintain some hold. Onto anything. But the weight was too great, and it slowly slid deeper.

It transported to this place for the purposes of eliminating human inefficiency. Instead, that human inefficiency had efficiently become the expressway to its own elimination.

As it strained and struggled, Lana’s mind wandered to a perplexing image. For a moment, the creature looked human. Not in an artificial skin coating sort of way, but in a briefly human way. The fighting for survival way. And with that image, Lana imagined a bizarre future, where a beast that was bent on her destruction could somehow be reconfigured to act as a savior. A savior for her as yet born son, perhaps as they joined forces to fend off an updated model of the human killing machine.

Nah. That would be insanity, she thought. Something like that could never happen.

And then...as victor and vanquished made eye contact one final time...she wasn’t so sure.

“I’ll be backed...up,” the failed pursuer defiantly quipped before succumbing to its murky fate at the bottom of the tank..."

Is this retelling as crappy and inconsistently incontinent as some of the movies? You be the judge.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dick Midnight
• Release date: Oct 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215091890

Dick Midnight

Dick Midnight is a badass.He is also the master of pseudo-biographical mythological erotica, or mytherotica, for short. His stories have been must reads among an established cult following that discovered the works in the recesses of the deep internet. Now, for the first time, the extensive Dick Midnight catalog is gradually being made available in more accessible online venues.For centuries, eons even, artists like Dick Midnight have warned of the dangers of the creatures of our mythology, looming in the shadows, on the fringes of civilization. But as science and academia have taken hold and proclaimed Gods and beasts as little more than figments of our active imaginations, we have let down our guard. When an unexplained abduction occurs, and Dick Midnight's services are requested, his double duty begins. He is at once monster slayer, damsel rescuer, and entertaining, engrossing, erotica wordsmith.A complex personality with his own inner demons, Dick Midnight can be aloof and distant, intense and quippy, and often seemingly on the verge of spinning out of control.But damn, can he write.

Book preview

The Turdinator

By Dick Midnight

©2023

Friday night! For Lana Colona and her entourage, that meant it was time to let loose and party. They were young. They were free. Well, free other than the annoyance of the work week. Retail is brutal. On their feet all day.

As far as one of her friends was concerned, if things went well at the club, maybe they could give the feet a rest and workout the back a bit.

Ellie! You slut!

Lana snapped a couple group selfies. Social media now knew they were on the weekend prowl.

Oh Lana, a girl’s gotta get what a girl can get. And the way we’re dressed, we’re gonna get our get on! Woo!

Lana had lost the logic of the thread a few gets ago, but still understood the gist. They had been friends since she started the job, and this was the onset of their weekend celebration.

And, she reasoned, since they were young and free and out to party, get the getting if the getting looked good.

Because they looked good. And good begets good. It helped they were attractive, and that Ellie was flirty—hell, flirty was an understatement—and she got preferential treatment from every security guard at every trendy club in the city. This meant all access for the three musketeers, a term they often used to describe their budding friendship, even though it was likely none of them had ever watched any cinematic incarnation of the classic Dumas yarn, or even knew what a classic Dumas yarn was.

Not that it mattered. It was Friday night. Party night! And they were well on their way to enjoying everything the night had in store.

As per the usual, the club was hopping. A DJ played an EDM mix through speakers that caused the floor to rumble. So even if there was a rumble beyond the club, nobody noticed. Lana had her share of libations, so it was easy to discard the brief, bright light that emanated for a moment from the outside, and off rhythm with the precision of the computer-laden, instrument-absent musical performance in their presence. For a moment, Lana thought there might have been a second light, similar to the first, with the same brief arhythmic rumble, but she was many drinks in and paid it no additional