Hello Baby: Building an Oasis in a Play Desert

By Debbie Frisch and Isaac Stone Simonelli

Child's play is serious business. Experts know that the games babies and toddlers play, from make-believe and block-building to rough-and-tumble horseplay, are crucial to their physical, social, and emotional development.

No one knows this better than Debbie Frisch. Raised in an abusive home, she never experienced the joy of ca

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rivertowns Books
• Release date: Oct 17, 2023
• ISBN: 9781953943262

Debbie Frisch

Debbie Frisch is a mother, foster mother, spiritual director, volunteer, community activist, and philanthropist.  In 2017, she opened HelloBaby, our nation's first free-standing, free-of-charge drop-in play space for babies, toddlers and their caregivers. In 2022, Debbie was awarded Champion for Children Award from the Bright Promises Foundation.Prior to opening HelloBaby, Debbie was actively involved with many not-for-profit organizations that serve economically disadvantaged families and children.  She has a bachelor's degree from the University of Michigan and a Master's degree from the Institute of Pastoral Studies at Loyola University, Chicago.  Her first volunteer experience was at Christopher House in the daycare and Head Start programs.  She was named their Volunteer of the Year in 2005.  Debbie's first board service was for On Your Feet Foundation, an organization that serves birth mothers who have placed children for adoption.  She has served as Board President for Adoption Center of Illinois, Chicago Lights, and Geography of Hope. She has also been a Deacon and Elder at Fourth Presbyterian Church in Chicago.  She was a foster care mother for Adoption Center of Illinois and a respite care provider for Safe Families for Children.  Through these two organizations she has had 56 babies and toddlers in care.  One of these children, Jayce, came to her for respite care at 6 months old. Since then, he became her godson, and 10 years later they still see each other regularly.Debbie lives in Chicago, where she enjoys long lake front walks with her dog Teddy.  She loves crafting, knitting, reading, exercise and time outdoors.

Book preview

Advance Praise for Hello Baby

"As you read this remarkable book, I know you will find hope emerging and resolve that we—all of us and each of us individually—have the capacity to heal the world. Tikkun olam ."— From the Foreword by the Rev. John M. Buchanan, Pastor Emeritus of the Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago and Former Editor/Publisher, The Christian Century

From the first time I heard about HelloBaby, I knew it was a breakthrough approach to helping children and families in low-income communities. In this book, Debbie Frisch and Isaac Simonelli explain the magic behind this organization. It offers essential lessons for anyone working for a just society where all people can thrive.—Alex Counts, Founder, Grameen Foundation and author, Changing the World Without Losing Your Mind

It has been such an honor working with and getting to know HelloBaby. Now Debbie Frisch has told the story of this remarkable organization in a vivid, compelling book. It makes wonderful reading for anyone who cares about babies, families, and what communities can do to nurture them.— Bud Porter, President, Porter Pipe & Supply Company

"Debbie Frisch shows us that what is necessary is also possible: creating loving spaces that solidify the foundations of empathy and compassion within babies and toddlers that will last them a lifetime. Her delightful book Hello Baby explains how." —Alderman Raymond Lopez, 15th Ward, Chicago

This readable, provocative narrative is a practical, effective, and exciting guide to implementing a visionary approach to the needs of our most vulnerable children and families. Whether you are working at the household, neighborhood, or community level, this essential book will inspire and guide you. HelloBaby is the spark of magic that can rescue generations of at-risk babies and families.— Edward L. Quevedo, Head of Practice and Director, Regenerative Design, The Foresight Lab, and President’s Professor of Practice, The College of Global Futures, Arizona State University

Debbie Frisch’s passion for helping young children and their families is truly inspiring. Her book offers more than a real-life story—it’s a fairy tale come true, complete with a fairy garden (and a happy ending)!—Barry Klassy, President & CEO, Kroeschell Inc.

Copyright © 2024 by Debbie Frisch. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Printed in the United States of America • October 2023 • I

Paperback edition ISBN-13: 978-1-953943-25-5

Ebook edition ISBN-13: 978-1-953943-26-2

LCCN Imprint Name: Rivertowns Books

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023942728

Cover design by Krishna Mohan.

Photos on pages 18 and 30 courtesy of Debbie Frisch.

Photos on cover and on pages 8, 42, 54, 68, 80, 96, 112, 125, 140, and 148 by Andrews + Braddy Photography.

Rivertowns Books are available from all bookstores, other stores that carry books, and online retailers. Visit our website at

www.rivertownsbooks.com. Requests for information and other correspondence may be addressed to:

Rivertowns Books

240 Locust Lane

Irvington NY 10533

Email: [e-mail]

Contents

Foreword by Rev. Dr. John M. Buchanan

Preface: The Call To Love

Introduction: Gabriel, Me, and HelloBaby

PART ONE: FINDING A PURPOSE

1. Dreaming of a Safe Space

2. Becoming a Mom

3. Kids 3 to 58

PART TWO: BUILDING THE DREAM

4. The Most Obvious Idea in the World

5. Finding a Home

6. Designing for Yes

7. They Will Come

8. The Science of Play

9. Growing Up Fast: Programming and Community Listening

10. Why It Works

11. What Would Debbie Do?

Afterword: Another Baby on the Way

Acknowledgments

Additional Resources

Source Notes

Index

About the Authors

Foreword

Rev. Dr. John M. Buchanan

The Rev. John M. Buchanan is Pastor Emeritus of the Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago. He was Moderator, the 208th General Assembly, The Presbyterian Church (USA), and is Former Editor/ Publisher, The Christian Century.

One of my fondest memories from my years as pastor in a downtown Chicago church is this. In Sunday morning worship, when the time for the sermon arrives, the minister walks up several steps into the pulpit and looks out at the gathered congregation. With regularity, something caught my eye so consistently that I began to look for it. Sitting in a pew near an aisle, a woman cradled an infant in her arms. That alone was not unusual. But I couldn’t help notice, amidst a tiny coat and blanket, that it wasn’t the same baby every Sunday. It was Debbie Frisch, holding one of the infants in her care.

As she explains in her book, for several years, Debbie welcomed children into her care, her home, and her life—often newborn infants who needed a safe, warm, clean, loving place to be until a suitable home could be located by state welfare officials. That is what Debbie Frisch provided. The reasons for the babies’ predicament were as varied as the babies themselves, mostly related to poverty and all the social dysfunctions that poverty brings. Alcohol and drugs were often part of it, but sometimes, as Debbie explains, the mothers simply, desperately needed a break.

Every time I saw Debbie Frisch in her pew with an infant in her arms, I could not help but think about a much-loved incident in the Bible:

People were bringing little children to Jesus in order that he might touch them. He said: Let the little children come to me, do not stop them, for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. And he took them in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them. (Matthew 10:13-16)

Most of the world’s religions agree that a universal moral imperative is expressed in what we know as the Golden Rule: Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Most of the world’s religions also teach that there is a moral imperative along with a theology, a belief system, a creed. It is certainly a central part of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. It is there in the creation story that the Abrahamic religions share. God places human beings in a garden paradise and commissions them to tend the garden, using their dominion over the creation to take responsibility for the whole project.

Today, even a cursory look at how that project is going suggests that, in term of the environment alone, human beings have not only shirked their responsibility but are the primary cause of what is now an existential crisis.

Things seem to be broken in creation. Climate change and the resultant floods, wildfires, melting glaciers, and life-threatening heat waves are now normal. At the same time, political authoritarianism is on the rise, and an epidemic of gang violence plagues our cities. Brokenness seems to be everywhere.

And yet hope refuses to die precisely because human beings continue to exercise their responsibility and the capacity to change—to bring healing on a broad social, political scale but also, just as important, on a small, personal scale.

There is a beautiful concept that Judaism has given the world and which is now an essential imperative for all of us: tikkun olam—to repair the world, to heal the brokenness, to fix what has gone wrong. Everyone can do something. If we can’t heal all the brokenness ourselves, we can do a bit of it in our own lives. We can and must do more than wring our hands.

One woman among many has shown how is it done. Debbie Frisch decided to do something, to heal and repair the brokenness she experienced holding those babies in her arms. The result is HelloBaby.

As you read this remarkable book, I know you will find hope emerging and resolve that we—all of us and each of us individually— have the capacity to heal the world. Tikkun olam.

A curious toddler peers through a space in a climbing structure at HelloBaby

Preface: The Call to Love

First, a word about love. After reading this book, I hope you’ll understand that love alone is not enough. However, it is a great launching point and foundation for those of us who want to do something real and tangible to help make our world a better place.

There is a lot of brokenness around us right now. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, throw up our hands, and surrender to despair. It’s true that we can’t do everything—that the problems we face as a society and a species demand huge combined efforts by millions of people. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn’t each do something.

My call to you is to pick the thing you know how to do, that you love to do, and share it. Even a little good can ripple out in ways you will likely never see. Go forward in love and faith, believing that whatever you can contribute will make a difference.

When you do this, you will be following the call some of our greatest leaders have issued.

Mother Teresa expressed it like this: Do little things with great love.

Pablo Picasso said it this way: The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

And Hillel the Elder said it in words that countless others have echoed over the ages: If not us, who? If not now, when?

Let your answer be me and now. And may you find great joy in following the call.

Debbie Frisch

Chicago, Illinois

October 2023

Introduction:

Gabriel, Me, and HelloBaby

by Debbie Frisch

Asocial worker brought Gabriel to me on one of those April days in Chicago when it’s warm in the sun and cool in the shade. He was a few days shy of being seven months old. I’d been waiting for Gabriel to arrive since getting a call the previous afternoon informing me that he’d been removed from his family and would be temporarily placed with me. I had his basket of clothes and diapers ready, along with a play mat on the floor in the family room loaded with fun, age-appropriate toys and books. The baby bath was set up, his crib was freshly made, and baby food and formula were stocked in the kitchen.

When I saw Gabriel, it was love at first sight. I have a soft spot for all babies, but the babies that obviously need me most are the ones that instantly melt my heart. And I could tell Gabriel needed me. He was shut down and scared, his brow furrowed from stress. Murmuring sweet nothings to him, I gently took him out of his car seat and gave him a bath, which was always my practice when a new child arrived. It’s a good way to assess a baby’s condition. Is his skin in good condition, or are there any rashes, bruises, or strange marks to take note of? Is the diaper area well cared for? Does his weight appear to be in the normal range? I knew Gabriel would visit our agency pediatrician in a few days, but I liked to hit the ground running.

Clean and gently dried, Gabriel downed a bottle, then took a short snooze while I held him, letting him absorb my scent and feel. When he woke, we had some further cuddle time, then I placed him on his stomach on the play mat and got on the ground with him.

Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream pierced the air. Not only did Gabriel not enjoy the play area, but he was absolutely miserable. He was struggling to lift his head, which was flat and bald in the back. He couldn’t roll over, and he was nowhere close to being able to sit up on his own. At the age of seven months, he was already slipping behind physically and developmentally. It was obvious that he was unused to having the chance to enjoy play time on his own. I understood what had happened. Based on the report from the social worker and my own hunch, I suspected that Gabriel had most likely spent much of his early life strapped in a baby seat in front of a screen. The result: a condition known as container syndrome.

That night, Gabriel slept fitfully. No set schedule or activity had defined his day or caused him to expend energy, preparing him for a deep and restful night of sleep. I also suspected that he’d been fed whenever he fussed, which is a habit many parents get into. It’s an understandable but self-defeating practice. While a bottle might shush a baby for a moment, they’re often crying for reasons that have nothing to do with food: because they’re tired, overstimulated, want to be held, or don’t want to be held. Unfortunately, constant small feedings mean that the baby never gets the full belly he needs to fall into a sound sleep. So the first step with Gabriel would getting him into a schedule that looked something like this: sleep, wake, diaper change, eat, play and socialize, sleep.

Within two days, this soothing, healthy routine had begun to work its magic. Gabriel was easily lifting his head and enjoying his tummy time on the play mat. The extra level of activity meant that he was also starting to sleep through the night. Within a week, he was rolling over and reaching for toys. He learned to signal to me what he wanted and needed, and I was happy to oblige.

By the time Gabriel left me five weeks later, he was sitting unassisted, playing indoors and outdoors on a blanket on the grass, eating full meals, and genuinely connecting with those around him— especially me. He’d learned to tune into the people in front of him and enjoy our big, beautiful world outside the confines of his car seat.

It wasn’t hard to catch Gabriel up to the appropriate developmental level for a child of his age, but I’d had the good fortune to reach him in time. It’s just as easy to imagine Gabriel’s life going in a different direction. Without the chance to enjoy a babyhood tailored to nurture his psychological and physical needs, he might have fallen further and further behind in numerous ways. By the time he enrolled in school, no teacher would be able to compete for his attention with the visuals and sounds of a video playing on repeat.

Gabriel was a child I could help. But it’s disheartening to reflect how badly he needed the simple forms of help I was able to provide. Parents like Gabriel’s do everything in their power to raise happy, healthy children. Yet they also need access to the type of support system I enjoyed on the north side of Chicago. Sadly, too many families in neighborhoods impacted by poverty lack such a system.

For years, I cared for kids like Gabriel in my home, meeting each baby who came into my care where they were and gently nudging them to where I thought they needed to be.