Kittens, Cupcakes & Kerfuffles

By Amity Allen

When corporate secrets meet country charm, murder becomes the ultimate business plan.

Kelsie's idyllic farm is falling apart. The need for a serious injection of cash leads her to invite the higher ups from a multi-level marketing company to her place for their annual retreat.

Unfortunately, the company founder is allergic to the kittens. To make peace, Kelsie moves them to the barn, but on her way back, she trips over the body of the company hype man.

His murder sets off a chain of shocking revelations, and a family’s dark secrets are uncovered in the deadliest way possible.

As suspects abound, Kelsie reprises the role of amateur detective to protect her friends and felines. With time running out and danger lurking around every corner, she must unmask the killer before her loved ones become the next casualties, and her farm’s fate is sealed forever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bad Baby Press
• Release date: Sep 26, 2023
• ISBN: 9781958649138

Amity Allen

Amity grew up reading every mystery she could get her hands on, burning through everything by Agatha Christie in record time and wanting to be Nancy Drew when she grew up. After writing books in other genres for the past few years, she's finally come home to her true love - cozy mysteries. Amity and her husband live in L.A. (lower Alabama) with a houseful of teenagers and a half dozen pets. Besides books, Amity's favorite things are football, needlepoint, fried shrimp, and sweet tea.

Book preview

Chapter 1

I can’t believe you talked me into this. My words were muffled because my face was buried deep in my hands, and also because I was groaning as I pushed the words out.

My friend Trudy—I knew it was her because I could smell her signature cinnamon-sugar blend float through the air around us—rubbed my upper back in a slow, soothing circle. It’s going to be fine. We’ve got everything ready. Actually, it’ll be better than fine. This is going to be loads of fun, Kelsie. I still can’t believe we booked the founders and topline sellers of Monogram Me to come here for their retreat! She gave a little squeal of delight and stopped rubbing my back long enough to clap her hands with excitement. I can’t wait to see if Derek and Gina Smothers are really like they seem on social media.

Nobody is what they seem like on social media. My cousin Stephanie’s voice filtered over from across the big farmhouse kitchen. I’m sure it’s all a carefully built persona.

In that case, it’ll be fun to be in the know about who they really are. Trudy’s excitement couldn’t be dampened, but it only served to make me groan harder.

I don’t know how I’m going to deal with all those people in the house. I can’t believe you talked me into this, I repeated.

Outside, a rumble of thunder made us all stiffen. I sank lower, letting my head fall on my arms, nose right on the kitchen table.

Um, that’s one of the reasons, Stephanie said. You need a new roof on the farmhand’s cottage, and the business can’t afford it, remember? Also, you needed new plumbing in the house and took out a loan to have it done. You need dough, girlie, and not the kind Trudy whips up for the bakery.

Of course, I remembered all that. I hadn’t thought of much else since I’d signed the papers for the plumbing overhaul. Only a month later, Luke had delivered the bad news about the roof when he’d found a wet spot in the corner of the cabin after the last big rainfall.

I’d used as much of my savings as I was comfortable parting with on this wedding venue thing already. And we’d had some great events that made us money, but in general, the business wasn’t stable enough yet to be bringing in consistently decent money. I couldn’t afford a new roof and the plumbing loan payments.

Luke had patched the roof up as much as possible, though he’d found the problem was a lot more extensive than he’d originally thought. He said he figured it would hold through the season, as long as it didn’t get too windy, and delivered an apologetic smile which was also adorable and made my heart rate kick up.

Yeah, I had it bad for Luke. But even our budding relationship hadn’t been enough to keep me from obsessing about money for the past few months.

So, I was ripe for being cajoled into a new addition to the business—offering rooms in my actual house—where I lived—as a B&B service and for bigger events like this weekend’s retreat.

The house was huge. Along with my bedroom, there were three others upstairs and one on the main floor. There was also the upstairs den where my grandmother had done some of her magical stuff. We’d cleaned all the rooms out and thrift-shopped some great antique furniture for them. My grandmother’s old friends had donated handmade quilts to the cause.

Luke also had the idea to clear out the attic. It was a great space—more of a half-story, really, and even had a small, old-fashioned bathroom in it. With my friends’ help, we’d transformed it into a wonderful studio apartment that could be rented short or long term.

And that was how we’d gotten to today, when a bunch of people would arrive to stay in the big farmhouse rooms.

With me.

In my house.

When I’d first had the idea to make the old sheep farm into a wedding venue, putting people up in the house was a subject broached with my business partner, Trudy, my cousin Stephanie, and Luke. Luke and Trudy had always pushed for it, saying there was so much charm in staying in the old rooms and people would love it. Stephanie and I had dragged our feet, not super comfortable with the idea of having strangers tromping through the place, which had been my grandmother’s pride and joy.

Now, the house was my sanctuary. And in a few minutes, it would be invaded by a troop of MLM-ers on a rewards retreat for the topline sellers.

Ugh.

A tiny meow made me lift my head and look at the floor, where Ruffles rubbed his head against my calf. I smiled and reached to scratch his ears. All the kittens were up and at ’em, playing with each other or attacking my friends’ feet. This little one seemed to have noticed my mood and made it his mission to make me feel better.

My smile morphed into a frown. Besides me having to keep my game face on at all times and be pleasant, even in the morning—ugh—while people were in my house, the kittens were one of the main reasons I was worried about folks staying with me.

It was hard enough keeping the five kittens’ magical abilities under wraps on a normal day, when people filtered in and out of the farmhouse for only a few minutes at a time. How would I do it when people were in the house basically twenty-four hours a day?

Maybe you should take the kittens for a few days, Steph, I said. She was a witch, like me, so I knew she could handle the familiars. Luke could too, but even though he’d done a one-eighty on his feeling about the kittens and now found them completely adorable instead of kind of annoying, his place was pretty small and would be easily overrun by the little critters.

Stephanie arched a brow, and tiny lines etched themselves around her lips. She gave her head a tiny shake. I’m not dealing with those hellions at my house. They’ll get hair all over everything and knock down every knick-knack I own.

Stephanie wouldn’t strike you as a knick-knack person, just meeting her on the street. She seemed too buttoned-up, like her house would be all clear spaces and minimalistic charm. But it was actually pretty cozy. She collected giraffe stuff, and there were figurines all over the place.

Aw, poor babies. Trudy kneeled to play with a couple of the kittens. I’d take them if my Eli wasn’t allergic. As it is, I already have to strip down and wash my clothes after I’ve been here to keep him from having an attack of misery.

Thanks for the thought, anyway, I said. It was convenient for me that Trudy had a reason not to take the kittens because it meant I didn’t have to come up with an excuse for not allowing her to take them. The kittens were familiars, and though they’d come a long way with controlling their magic over the past few months—just like I had—they still had a tendency to make crazy magical stuff happen from time to time. Trudy didn’t know anything about magic or witches, and I wanted to keep it that way. Which meant no kittens staying at her house where she’d see them every day.

I was already surprised she was buying my lie about them having a form of dwarfism that meant they never grew at all. But I wouldn’t borrow trouble. She believed it, and that was good.

I heard tires on gravel a moment before Stephanie pushed off from where she’d been leaning on the counter and said, Show time!

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There were six extra people in my kitchen. Together with me and Trudy—because Stephanie had disappeared, or rather escaped, somewhere—and five kittens, that was too many.

Luckily, it was a huge kitchen, but still.

I fixed a smile on my face. I’m Kelsie Walsh. Welcome.

A dark-haired man with a thin mustache who appeared to be the oldest of the bunch but who held his muscular body with suave, confident poise, stepped forward, hand out to shake. I’m Derek Smothers. This is my wife, Gina. He drew her forward. She was platinum blonde with dangling earrings and skin-tight clothes showing off an hourglass shape. Her lips were crimson red, and false eyelashes fluttered like butterfly wings in a breeze as she smiled and took her turn shaking my hand.

Derek turned to the side. These are our top executives. He grinned and winked. And also our kids.

The four nodded and gave small waves at the mention of their names.

We’re a Brady bunch, Gina said in a sing-song voice. Then she sneezed three times. Her voice sounded slightly stuffy when she continued, gesturing to each person she named with a hand flourish just like Vanna White’s. Derek’s son, Simon, my daughter, Brianna, and our together twins, Mary and Larry. She sneezed again.

Bless you, I said. And welcome, all of you.

Have the others arrived yet? Simon said, stepping forward. He looked a lot like his dad but was a couple inches taller and sans mustache. He also had a different air about him—haughtier, maybe? I wasn’t sure yet. But I recognized the tone. This man was used to being in charge. He expected everyone to jump exactly as high as he told them to.

No, the diamonds haven’t arrived yet, I said, using the term this MLM had for its topline sellers. But we’ve got all your rooms ready for you. This is my partner, Trudy. She and I can show you where you’ll be staying.

Not for the first time, I was glad Trudy had decided to close up the bakery for the long weekend, so we could both focus on the retreat. I was nervous about making sure all these people had a nice time here, and she was a natural-born caretaker.

Gina sneezed three more times, and when I refocused on her face, I was alarmed to see a river of tears shoving aside some of the long bottom lashes as they dove their way out of her eyes. Are you okay?

A … a … allergies! she shot out on the wings of another triplet of sneezes.

You have allergies? Oh, dear.

Simon’s face stony, he pointed at Annie, who was rubbing on my ankle. You have a cat! My stepmother is highly allergic to cats.

Not just a cat, Mary said with a smirk. There’s a whole litter of kittens here.

What? Simon’s face reddened. You have animals living in the house you expect us to stay in for the weekend? What kind of backwoods place is this?

You didn’t know about the cats, son? Derek said gently.

Simon whirled on his father. I’m in charge of setting up events. I did my due diligence on this place, like I always do. Of course, you’re the one who wanted something out in the boondocks, not me. But this place had nothing on their website about kittens. He twisted back toward me. I demand our money back, this instant!

The door opened and closed, and Luke, my handsome as sin carpenter boyfriend, strode in. He took one look at Simon’s red face and threatening posture and made his way to me. Throwing an arm over my shoulders, he growled, What’s going on?

Even though I didn’t need to be saved by a man, I had to admit it felt nice to have Luke’s solid presence next to me, with Simon acting all furious about the kittens. These are some of our guests for the weekend. I smiled and kept my tone light. There’s been a misunderstanding about the kittens, though. Poor Gina is allergic. I gestured to the blonde woman, who had fished a gold cloth handkerchief out of her purse and was dabbing at her eyes.

Trudy stepped forward and laid a hand on Gina’s arm. I’ll go get you some antihistamines.

Gina managed a smile. Thank you. This is really nothing. I’m fine. She erupted into another bout of sneezing.

Simon rolled his eyes, then refocused on me. You misrepresented the situation. There was no mention of kittens on your site or when we spoke.

I opened my mouth to respond, but it was Luke, who’d done most of the work on our website, who spoke. Actually, the kittens have their own page on the business’ website, and they’re mentioned, with a photo, on the homepage too. We made the information prominent for such a reason. His tone was kind but firm.

Simon scoffed. Then you must have added all that since I made the reservations.

We’ll put the kittens in the barn, I offered quickly. The situation was devolving, and I needed to save it. It’s heated and very nice, and they’ll be fine. Oh, wait. You need to use the barn for some retreat events, don’t you. I drummed a finger on my lips. We’ll put the kittens in the farmhand’s cottage. Will you be okay if they’re are out of the house, Gina?

She waved a hand, sneezed, then said, Yes, I’m sure I will.

Okay, we’ll do that, then. And I’ll re-vacuum everything in the house after we take them out. I turned to start catching the kittens just as Trudy returned to the room with a bottle of pills, which she handed to Gina before getting her a glass of water. Once Gina had swallowed the pills, Trudy led everyone away to show them their rooms.

I collapsed into Luke’s arms and let him hug me for a minute before resuming the job of getting the kittens out of the house. As we were returning from the farmhand’s cottage, another car pulled into the drive, and three women got out. I fixed a cheerful smile on my face—though I was deeply regretting allowing this retreat to go forward—and introduced myself.

The tallest woman, a brunette with a smooth, unmoving bob, smiled at me. Hey, Kelsie. I’m Rachel. This is Ashley and Linda.

Ashley’s blonde hair had some dark roots showing, but it didn’t look bad, all done in ringlets that fell to her shoulders. She reached back into the car, and when she straightened again, she held a dachshund wearing a bright blue harness.

Oh! You brought a dog. I glanced at Luke, trying to telegraph a question to him. Had we agreed to this?

His eyes widened ever-so-slightly in response. He didn’t know anything about this.

This is Lulu, Ashley said. I don’t go anywhere without her. Don’t worry, she’s a good girl. You won’t hear a peep out of her.

Lulu suddenly erupted into noise and fury, barking and squirming so hard that Ashley had to drop to one knee to set her down so she didn’t fall. The dog took