Complicated Minds: (Including Mine)

By Dianne Haaland

About the Book
There is a saying: If you know one Alzheimer’s case, you know only one Alzheimer’s case. Each experience with Alzheimer’s, for both the patient and their caregiver, is filled with unique struggles and complications, though one thing is always certain: Dealing with Alzheimer’s is never easy. In this memoir, Dianne Haaland recalls her ordeal as a wife and caregiver of someone whose mental state was in swift decline, chronicling the nightmares that came with it regarding for-profit care facilities, unethical lawyers, greedy children, and constant medical scares.

About the Author
Dianne Haaland is a former English and business teacher in South Dakota and Colorado high schools. She received an MBA from Colorado State University and spent fourteen years as a financial analyst with a Fortune 500 company. Both her husband and she earned several real estate certifications.
In an effort to give her children and families some peace of mind, Dianne is looking forward to moving to an independent living facility for herself and her husband, where she will continue to write, read, exercise, and enjoy visits from friends and family.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dorrance Publishing Company
• Release date: Aug 8, 2023
• ISBN: 9798888128312

Book preview

Layout_1_Page_1.eps

The contents of this work, including, but not limited to, the accuracy of events, people, and places depicted; opinions expressed; permission to use previously published materials included; and any advice given or actions advocated are solely the responsibility of the author, who assumes all liability for said work and indemnifies the publisher against any claims stemming from publication of the work.

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2023 by Dianne Haaland

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted, downloaded, distributed, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, including photocopying and recording, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented without permission in writing from the publisher.

Dorrance Publishing Co

585 Alpha Drive

Pittsburgh, PA 15238

Visit our website at www.dorrancebookstore.com

ISBN: 979-8-88812-331-7

eISBN: 979-8-88812-831-2

Dedication

Clarice Marie Johnson (nee Haaland)

June 15,1944 - September 19, 2012

Acknowledgements

Harriet from across the street

Wanda and Carl, Bismarck

Denise, Sierra Vista

Scot and Laura, Lakewood

Jennifer Cody, Pueblo

CHS Class of 1960

Dr. David, Albuquerque

  Dr. Kathy, Albuquerque

My neighbors who have been like a loving family

Grandchildren and their significant others

Friends we vacationed with in Mexico, Canada,

and the USA

Stella, Abby Lane, Daisy Mae, Willow

Introduction

Caretakers watch my property when I’m away. Caregivers work with people. Unknown Source

When does the author end her book? What is the ending? The death of the subject, or is it the death of the author? These are appropriate questions for people in their eighth decade.

My initial goal, informing caregivers of another dementia and mental illness story, has been superseded by how to recognize and hold the evil ones accountable. Maybe one other 24/7 caregiver will find helpful information from my experiences. I know they are facing a plethora of challenges with complicated minds and confusing choices. Hang on and realize that no one knows the best answer for you, not even you will have complete information for the correct decision, if such a thing even exists. Make that decision, readjust if necessary, and continue to love and trust yourself.

I’ve known my husband for 40+ years and have been married since 1984. Clues of mental aberrations existed, but I missed them, thought I could handle some, and took advice from well-meaning and not so well-meaning individuals.

This is one female spouse and caregiver’s story. As I’ve heard, If you know one Alzheimer’s case, you know one Alzheimer’s case. There may be similarities, but it is the unique characteristics of this disease that make it so difficult. As one doctor stated, Science will only learn the cause of some brain diseases in the autopsy.

MadsenE_001.png

Clarice, me, Mom, Dad, Harriet, Wanda

Thanksgiving in Hawaii 1983

Life with our parents was not normal. It was exceptional. Our parents loved each other, and we knew it.

If one of our friends had a sleepover with us, she learned about our parents’ love for each other as Dad would often come up behind Mom to caress and kiss her when she stood at the kitchen counter. We were embarrassed in front of our friends, but it was Mom and Dad’s home. They never showed such expressions of love outside the home. Such behavior was not a North Dakota-approved practice!

Unfortunately, the lives of my sisters and me as adults did not follow in our parents’ footsteps. An ideal beginning did not portend success for at least three of us. Our parents thought we could do anything and everything. But they didn’t prepare us for dysfunctional marriages.

Our youngest sister, Wanda, remarried twenty-one years after her first husband died from cancer. As she said, She kissed a lot of frogs, but found her prince. Everyone thought her second husband, Carl, was an even better match than her first husband. We believe Mom refused to die until she saw Wanda securely married to Carl, and then she died ten days later.

MadsenE_002.png

Wanda’s marriage to Carl was celebrated ten days before Mom died. Marge, on Wanda’s left side, and Kermit on Peter’s right side, died from Alzheimer’s at the beginning of the Pandemic, and Carl, the youngest sibling mourned their deaths at home online.

Clarice, second sister, suffered mentally through verbal abuse and physically to the point Jerry almost broke her left arm during their marriage. She divorced Jerry and died single in 2006 from metastatic brain and lung cancer. We didn’t give Clarice enough accolades when she was alive nor compliments about her strength to go life alone. She died without a spouse, but her children were by her bedside as Wanda, my youngest sister, and I attempted to be with her in the end.

MadsenE_003.jpgMadsenE_004.jpg

 Becky in top left; Clarice, Jerry, David in the front right

Clarice’s favorite picture on the right that was used at her memorial

Our third sister, Harriet, moved from Hawaii to Arizona in 2017 after she and I decided we needed each other in our old age. But like any relationship that is separated by 2,500 miles of ocean, as sisters, we really didn’t know each other, and we were nearly estranged. But every day since she arrived, we learned something new that has brought the three remaining sisters closer together.

Harriet moved to Hawaii when Bob (my ex-husband), the children, and I moved into a temporary apartment above a bar in Wagner, SD. We saw bar patrons, mostly drunk Native Americans, tossed out on the sidewalk. Bob quipped, Those are probably my future clients. It felt like providence smiled on Harriet as she basked in the Hawaii weather and culture, and I got Wagner, a town of mostly whites on the Yankton Sioux Reservation.

Harriet and Richard had a challenging marriage, chose to divorce, remarry, and divorce again when Richard was diagnosed with cancer. After a maximum number of radiation and chemo treatments, Richard divorced Harriet so she would not be left with humongous medical bills.

MadsenE_005.jpg

Richard died in May 1998.

Harriet met Noel in March of 1999 when Peter left a couple weeks before me for a vacation. I joined Peter during spring break, and the four of us had dinner at Harriet’s condo. Noel looked like Richard’s brother, and they were married in January 2000. Almost immediately, Harriet knew Noel was the wrong choice. His story deserves a book, too. But I’ll only discuss the parts that involved Peter and me after they moved to Arizona.

MadsenE_006.jpg

In Arizona, Noel became Peter’s marijuana supplier as Peter qualified for an Arizona Medical Marijuana card for blindness. I didn’t like walking into dingy joints and passing a test to get to the back room. Noel willingly bought and introduced Peter to the newest concoctions. In this picture, we have a Wyndham Resort apartment in Las Vegas, courtesy of Wanda and Carl. Noel is showing Peter how to hold the smoke in his lungs.

MadsenE_007.jpg

Noel smoked marijuana constantly, and I never knew him to be without his purse of goodies. But Peter had one bad spell when he overdosed on his legal stash. He lost his mobility, fell to the floor, and I struggled to get him upright and into bed where he slept it off for sixteen hours. I warned him that I’d have to call 911 if I couldn’t get him off the floor, and at 250 pounds, that day may be arriving soon.

Bob and I married on May 7, 1964. Bob, the father of my children, died September 2021, as my stepdaughters were divorcing me from their father.

MadsenE_008.jpgMadsenE_009.jpg

Peter and I married on March 3, 1984, after seven years of enjoyable single life for me. I could never justify marriage to Peter’s mom who warned me of her concern for her son’s drinking.

We each brought two children to the marriage. We had his and hers but no ours. Peter called himself a capon and I would say, I didn’t have the oven, and he didn’t have the basting juice.

MADSENS

MadsenE_010.jpgMadsenE_011.jpg

Rachel, Petrea, Bruce, David, Matthew, Viggo, and Brenda

MadsenE_012.jpgMadsenE_013.jpg

Brenda and Peter on top of Seattle Space

MadsenE_014.jpg

Petrea and Peter in Homer, AK, a few days before his sister

VIKINGS

Peter is 100% Dane, and I am 100% Norwegian. DNA tests show small percentages of other northern tribes, so more correctly we are both Vikings.

But I have a family tree that dates to the ninth century when King Harald I united the kingdoms of Norway into a central government. Since I am the oldest of the oldest through the years, I like to refer to myself as Queen Dianne, but no one is bowing, curtseying, or kissing my ring. In fact, Peter responds to my bragging with the comments that Denmark had to put their Danish king on the throne to keep the Norwegians in line. Today, that Danish king is King Harald V. The Netflix series The Vikings is somewhat true.

Today, both the Madsens and the Haalands have relatives in these countries and can stay in touch more easily than our parents because of Facebook and other social media. But my family has spent much more time with our Norge relatives than Peter’s family members with his Danish relatives.

For example, he was lucky enough to have my mother pay the way for Wanda, Peter, Mom, and me to visit Norway. While Mom and Wanda stayed in Norway, Peter and I spent time in Denmark researching his father’s home and visiting cousins and other relatives. Peter was so excited the whole trip and promised his Danish relatives that we would keep the communications between generations active. But he has not been able to convince his sister, who is now dead, or any of Peter and his sister’s, Petrea’s, families to make the trip. In fact, Peter is only connected through my efforts to keep them up to date.

I’m sure Peter was not that disappointed that they haven’t gone as he knows his American family would want to convert their Danish relatives. Sometimes, Peter is embarrassed by their religious and political thinking. I’m always embarrassed.

Brenda, Peter’s youngest daughter, had a chance to meet the Danish relatives and chose not to when she and her husband stopped in Copenhagen for a few days on one of their many cruises. My thinking is that they didn’t care to visit Danish relatives who like their social democracy.

Brenda and Bob are known for all the world tours and cruises they have taken over the years. It was 2017 when they took a five-month cruise of the Southern Hemisphere. To share her wonderful experiences with the peons back home, we were given daily blogs with pictures and brochures explaining every island and sight they visited.

After a couple days of this, Peter said, Enough. It isn’t that interesting. Half of the blogs were devoted to their daily Bible studies. Initially, I thought this cruise was sponsored by a church, but no, they organized their Bible studies with friends who traveled with them and passengers they convinced to join them. I still thought it was an expensive religious tour, as did Brenda’s older sister, Petrea.

Petrea Bailey

I sent the following email to Petrea, Peter’s oldest daughter, on December 6, 2020:

Before this day gets away from me, I need to get a note written to you. I don’t know how much you hear from Brenda, but I need to be more frequent in my messages, too.

I’m no different than anyone else in my dislike of this pandemic and the hardships it imposes on everyone in varying degrees and severity. I’m confident there will be a vaccine in 2021, but I don’t look for things to be normal for another decade, and then we will know a new definition of normal. This year has also given us new opportunities, and I’m always trying to grab onto those choices and make lemonade. I’ve enjoyed reading and rereading classics that I enjoyed in college years ago and others that I didn’t get to until this year. I just finished watching Queen’s Gambit that Cameron, my grandson, recommended. He seems to know what spins his grandma’s spurs in cinema and music. He also urged me to watch Ozarks when it first came out. So with plenty of books, TV dramas, writing, puppy needs, housekeeping, bookkeeping for tax preparation, playing my piano to keep up with Cameron’s questions, and caregiving, my days are filled. Even as recently as the preceding decade, I’d never have guessed what was in store for me. But above all, I am adaptable—most of the time.

Your Dad cannot follow a drama and has difficulty with sports. He continues to watch cable news, but I see him falling asleep during most broadcasts. Excessive sleeping is common with dementia and Alzheimer’s. He woke at 9:30 this morning; I gave him a hair and beard cut; he returned to bed and hasn’t been up since, four hours later. Whenever he chooses to arise, he will retire for the night by 7 pm. Tomorrow I will get him up in time to get to a meeting with his lawyer that he wanted several weeks ago because he needed to know what I was doing with all his money. At that meeting, the lawyer looked at me and said the next meeting should be with Brenda (POA). Peter showed the worst side of his disease at that first meeting. Mr. Compton, our probate lawyer, said he could do some things to help, so I’m anxious to hear about that and have your dad hear it from his lawyer. We’ll let you know the outcome.

I’d be the last one to tell your dad that I haven’t spent more money than I would have guessed in January. With the lawyer’s help, I want to show Peter that most big purchases have gone back into real estate that will eventually benefit all four of our children. Not only do I have things to do that take decisions, but we will also get a few years of enjoyment.

I had solar panels installed on this house and the rental on Signal