Too Small For a Gate

By Kowanda Stroud

When Janiece felt the familiar thump of the railroad tracks under her car she knew she was back home. She looked at the forbidding funeral home as she passed and prayed she would be strong enough to handle the new challenges in her life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wings ePress, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 14, 2023
• ISBN: 9781590884706

Book preview

What They Are Saying About

Too Small For A Gate

Too Small For A Gate is a heart-warming story. There were so many moments that I could actually relate.  At times I began to wonder if some members of my family had entered the scene, especially the part about the cake. My heart could only go out to Janiece. When she walked to the open casket, I got teary-eyed; it reminded me of so many close-knit things that have happened in my life. The way Janiece had to decide what course to take in life, while living with so many personal issues, makes this story genuine. All the characters in the story are well rounded and the dialogue flows smoothly, making this an excellent book to read. Ms. Stroud writes a gripping story that touches the heart, that recalls memories, and makes the reader sometimes want to jump through the pages and shake a few people to their senses. Her writing is so original with every turn of the page. This is my first book by Ms. Stroud and it promises not to be my last.

—Linda

Fallen Angel Reviews

Too Small For A Gate

Kowanda Stroud

A Wings ePress, Inc.

General Fiction Novel

Edited by: Dianne Hamilton

Copy Edited by: Leslie Hodges

Senior Editor: Dianne Hamilton

Executive Editor: Lorraine Stephens

Cover Artist: mpmann

All rights reserved

NAMES, CHARACTERS AND incidents depicted in this book are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of the author or the publisher.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Copyright © 2005 by Kowanda Stroud

ISBN  1-59088-470-1

Published by Wings ePress, Inc.

Published In the United States Of America

Wings ePress Inc.

3000 N. Rock Road

Newton, KS  67114

Dedication

To the memory of my wonderful parents. My mama, Faye Sherrill Alderson, I will always miss her easy smile and quick wit, and my father, Nick Alderson, the light man. I wish I had paid closer attention to the stories he told.

Prologue

Love, Oklahoma, 1955

Mr. Black liked the winter best. Since it got darker earlier, it gave him more time to window peek. He was standing next to an elm tree, hidden by the darkness in the Addison’s back yard and he watched the family through their kitchen window.

Nick Addison’s home was a favorite place of his. Most of the homes he looked in didn’t have nearly as much food on the table as Nick’s did and the other families didn’t sit all together and talk like they did either. From the looks of all the food, Faye, Nick’s wife, was a damn good cook—good looking woman, too. The gossips in Love said she was a fast number but he sure couldn’t see any signs of it. Besides, he couldn’t imagine when she had time since she was always working in that house of theirs and taking care of those two kids.

Nick’s two little kids were regular little pistols, too. He didn’t know Donna, the oldest girl. She’d been gone a while when he and his wife moved to Love from Taylor—but he’d heard about her up and running off and getting married when she was just sixteen years old. Now the little girl, Janiece, was a strange kid. She claimed she could see ghosts and such. Mr. Black shook himself and looked around—just to make sure there weren’t ghosts in sight on this cold night. The little boy, a couple years younger than Janiece, was named Nick, too, for his daddy but everyone called him Nickie. Those two fought like cats and dogs and were everyone’s pet, mainly because that Janiece would talk to anyone—even him!

He wondered if she would be so friendly if she knew he stood outside and watched her family doing everything from eating and watching television in their living room to getting ready for bed? He smiled, knowing that they didn’t know he was there watching them.

When Nick stood up screaming, Mr. Black hid behind the tree. His heart sounded so loud he was sure anyone could hear it—if there had been anyone around. He was afraid Nick had spotted him but when he sneaked a peek around the tree he couldn’t believe his eyes.

Nick threw one of Faye’s biscuits right at that little Janiece sitting at the opposite end of the table. She tried to duck but it hit her right up beside her head. Faye jumped up and began hitting Nick on his shoulder—that was as far as she could reach Nick being so tall and her so short. Then the little boy started crying and tried to hide under the table, almost turning it over. Mr. Black could tell Janiece was trying to get herself under control and he was relieved when Nick sat back down and Faye did, too. Nickie crawled back up into his chair and Janiece just wiped her tears on the back of her hand. They all started eating like nothing had happened.

Well, I’ll be damned, he whispered to the darkness. Who would have thought that Nick Addison would carry on like that and him the light man and all and a Mason to boot! He shook his head in disappointment and walked around the side of the house to the dark side of the street, then stopped and looked back at the Addison house. Huh, he said, I guess nobody really knows what goes on in somebody else’s house. Unless you’re a window peeker like me! He smiled and walked away knowing he knew a secret about the Addisons that no one else knew.

One

Colorado, Twenty-Five-Years Later

The rumble of thunder seemed ominous and it mirrored Janiece’s gloomy thoughts. She rubbed the goose bumps on her arms.

Someone just walked on your grave, Fran said from the doorway and she laughed when Janiece jumped at the sound of her voice.

Janiece shuddered and rubbed her arms harder. Mama always said that. I’ve had this feeling all morning that something’s going to happen.

Shoot, everyone gets those feelings every now and then, Fran said glancing at Janiece’s cluttered desk. Even though the two were friends, she was still the office manager. You’re probably a little worried leaving the girls alone for the first time. But they’ll be okay—after all, that neighbor lady of yours will be right there in case of trouble.

You’re right but it just feels different today, Janiece answered thoughtfully. Okay, back to work. What do you need? By the way, are you still waiting for Steve the Dream to call?

You know, sometimes I wish I hadn’t brought you with me from Chandler, she said, smiling back at Janiece, and yes, I’m still waiting for him to call. He’s due back sometime today, so I’ll see him then. Even though Steve Raulston was their boss he was also the love of Fran’s life. She hoped she hadn’t let him slip through her fingers after that silly quarrel they’d had.

When Janiece and Doug were married, they moved to his hometown of Chandler, about two hours from Love. Fran and Doug were classmates and soon Fran became her best friend. Fran had helped her get a job in the local insurance company there and when Fran was offered this job in Colorado Springs, Janiece transferred, too. She tried not to think about Fran’s affair with their boss even though the attraction was easy to understand. Not only was he handsome, he was very rich. Steve Raulston was friendly enough; but ever since that morning she’d caught him giving Fran hell about something, she hadn’t been able to trust his easy-going attitude.

When the phone rang, they both jumped and then laughed.

Well, I guess it’s back to work, Fran said, turning to leave Janiece’s small office but stopped in the doorway when she saw the expression on Janiece’s face with the phone to her ear.

Although Janiece hadn’t heard her brother’s voice in almost a year she recognized it immediately.

Daddy’s had a heart attack, Nickie told her. The doctor doesn’t think he’s going to make it and if you want to see him alive you’d better come home now!

He sounded angry with her and she shook her head trying to let his statement sink in. Nickie was always good at exaggerating, some would say lying, and she never knew when to believe him.

What are you talking about? Is Mama all right? She grabbed the edge of the desk and sat down. The little clock on her desk read 9:00 a.m. and when she looked out her window she saw it was still raining.

Daddy’s had a heart attack, she whispered to Fran and motioned her back into the office.

Mama called me last night, screaming that Daddy couldn’t breathe and I had her call the ambulance and now he’s in intensive care. This morning when the doctor came by, he told me plain out, ‘If you have brothers or sisters get them here quick.’ So don’t say I didn’t tell you how bad it is. Donna’s on her way. Can you come, too? I need your help with Mama.

He was crying and it hurt her when she imagined the scared little boy she’d once protected and comforted. I’ll be there as soon as I can make the arrangements, she told him hanging up the phone.

She started to cry when she felt Fran’s arm around her shoulder.

I have to go home, Fran. They all need me now. She tucked her hair behind her ear the way she always did when she was afraid or worried. Daddy’s had a heart attack? It was a question because she couldn’t comprehend the enormity of life without her father.

Maybe he’s lying again. You know how he is. Fran told her knowing how Janiece’s brother could exaggerate. Why don’t you call the hospital and check, just to make sure?

After a speaking with the hospital receptionist, Janiece took her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk and Fran took her umbrella from the coat rack near the door. Handing it to Janiece she said, Wouldn’t you know this time he’d be telling the truth?

Janiece took the offered umbrella in her free hand and tried to smile at her friend. I don’t know when I’ll be back. But I’ll call you as soon as I know anything for sure. I’m sorry about all this. She looked at her desk piled with work.

Aw, don’t worry about it, Fran said looking at the desk, too. I know! We’ll just let Terry take care of it! Serves her right, being from Texas and all.

It was a feeble joke but at least it got a smile from Janiece. Hugging Fran one last time she asked, What would I do without you?

FLYING ABOVE THE DARK rain clouds, Janiece looked out the plane window and prayed that she’d make it home before her father died. She knew her mother would need her since Donna had never been close to their mother and she knew they couldn’t count on Nickie for anything, even though her mother favored him. She knew she would be the one expected to make decisions. It had always been so.

A smile played on her face when she remembered her family seeing her off at the airport. Her two daughters had tried to be brave and still they fought over petty things. Her husband had tried to be supportive and optimistic about her father’s condition. But Janiece knew in her heart how this would end. After all, she’d had this feeling since early morning.

Two

Oklahoma

When the plane landed in Oklahoma City, Janiece called Memorial Hospital from the airport lobby. She was told her father’s condition was still listed as critical. After renting a car, she was on her way. During the drive to Lawton from Will Rogers Airport, Janiece prayed she would make it to the hospital in time to see him alive.

She was thankful for the H.E. Bailey Turnpike. It made the trip from Oklahoma City to Lawton a lot faster than it once was and, in spite of her worries, she smiled when she passed the field near Love where the sign protesting the turnpike once stood. The turnpike authority originally thought Love was too small for an entrance and exit tollbooth. It was irritating to the locals to drive to Taylor, four miles south of them, to enter the turnpike and go either south to Lawton or north to Oklahoma City. The oversight of the turnpike authority angered the city leaders and they erected a huge sign in a field near the busy highway. The sign read: LOVE—TOO SMALL FOR A GATE (but big enough not to like it!). That sign made Love famous in Oklahoma. Travelers watched for it because they knew when they saw it they were almost to Lawton. Everyone, outside of the turnpike authority, was disappointed when a storm blew it down and it wasn’t replaced.

She made her way quickly to Lawton and the hospital. It didn’t take long to find a parking place in the hospital parking lot. When she saw her reflection in the glass doors of the hospital entrance she shook her head sadly. She looked a mess but Janiece didn’t really care about her appearance today. She took a deep breath, dreading what lay ahead of her.

As soon as she stepped out of the hospital elevator on the second floor she heard crying. Donna stood in the hallway her body shaking from her sobs. Arvle, her brother-in-law had his arms around Donna trying to comfort her. They were so absorbed in their grief they didn’t notice her watching them. She heard other loud cries coming from the family waiting room. There was a horrible roaring in her head and she made herself go into the room. The first thing she saw was her mother surrounded by several of her cousins.

I didn’t make it in time, she thought. Someone saw her and then all attention turned in her direction.

Faye looked at her and sobbed, Why didn’t you come? What took you so long? He kept asking for you! He said he wanted to tell you something important.

Once again her mother asked louder this time, Why did it take you so long? I needed you and you weren’t here!

The resentment in her mother’s eyes backed Janiece up a few steps. The anger and resentment hurled at Janiece hurt but it also embarrassed her. To have this display in front of their family was bad enough, but there were strangers in the waiting room listening to her mother’s accusations. After her mother’s tirade ended everyone seemed to talk at once.

Now, Aunt Faye, a cousin said, you know you don’t mean that. Janiece came as soon as she could, I’m sure. The cousin stood by her mother’s chair and had her arm extended to Janiece, trying to pull her closer to them.

For the first time Janiece saw Nickie in the chair next to their mother.

He stood and offered his hand to their mother. Come on, Mama, let’s go on downstairs and have a Coke or something. Then his cold blue eyes looked in her direction and he said, I told you not to fart around and to come on but you wouldn’t listen. You can’t blame me this time! Defiantly he turned his back to Janiece and took their mother’s arm. Come on, Mama, let’s wait for Robert’s Funeral Home downstairs. They’ll be here in just a little while.

When they walked past Janiece his arm was wrapped protectively around their mother’s shoulder as if shielding her from Janiece’s sight. Neither of them looked in her direction.

Daddy’s dead and he didn’t wait on me, she whispered feeling betrayed. It’s like he didn’t want to see me before he died. She looked around the nearly empty room and once again felt excluded from the family she loved. Why didn’t he wait to tell me goodbye, too?

Donna stepped out of Arvle’s embrace and came to her, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. Her lips trembled when she asked, How are we going to make it without Daddy, Janiece? Oh my Daddy, my Daddy, she moaned pitifully. She looked around the room and asked, Are you alone?

When Janiece nodded she tried to stop crying. Don’t be mad at Mama. She didn’t realize how that sounded. That’s all—she just wasn’t thinking.

The anger Janiece felt at her mother and brother seemed to drain away in the reality of her father’s death and at the sight of her sister’s deep grief.

Daddy’s dead and that’s all that matters now, she told Donna. All she could think about was her father, his looks, and the pats from his crippled fingers, the laughs they shared, and his cheek offered for a kiss.

When they regained control of themselves they joined the rest of the family downstairs. They all stood near the door of the hospital watching as the hearse backed up to the door. The door opened and they separated, making room for the stretcher to pass. Janiece didn’t think she could bear to look at the awful thing that would carry her father’s body away. But she did and her pain increased when it returned a few minutes later with a blanket covering the body. She watched solemnly while two men loaded the stretcher in the back of the hearse.

Dan Roberts’s soft voice startled her when he spoke near her ear and he patted her shoulder. You need to come on up to the funeral home in a few hours and we’ll get the arrangements made. Could you do that, Janiece? he asked.

For just a moment she was aggravated and wondered why he chose to tell her this, after all, Nickie was the one taking charge and Donna was the oldest.

Sure, she answered him, we’ll be there in a little while.

Dan patted her arm and walked through the door to join the two men in the hearse.

She couldn’t stand to be this close to her mother without holding her and she needed to be held, too. Mama, she said putting her arm around her mothers shoulder, ride home with me.

I’ll just ride home with Nickie, Faye said tugging at her blouse making sure her hips were covered.

Janiece dropped her arm from her mother’s shoulder after she saw the angry look in her eyes. She turned to Joe, Donna’s son-in-law, standing beside her and said in a low voice, Mama never was one to give up a good mad easily.

Joe snickered and looked away.

Nickie frowned. Mama, I can’t come right now, he told her. I have to take care of some business stuff and then I’ll be there.

What business could be more important than his father’s death? Janiece whispered to her niece Rhonda standing beside Joe.

But Janiece saw her opportunity and spoke up quickly, See, Mama! Nickie can’t come and he wants you to ride with me, too, don’t you Nickie? She didn’t give her brother a chance to respond before she added, Besides, this will give us a good chance to talk. Please, Mama, ride back to Love with me.

You aren’t driving anywhere, Joe said taking the keys from Janiece’s hand, you’re too upset to drive. ’Sides we’re going there anyway. Where’s the car?

Rhonda chuckled and told Janiece, Case closed I guess.

After thinking about it briefly, Janiece described the rental car to Joe. Grinning she whispered to Rhonda, It will be better with Joe along. She’ll be on her best behavior that way. Even though Joe was family, her mother still wanted to impress him. Are you riding with us too? Janiece asked hopefully.

No, Rhonda said patting Janiece’s back. I’ll drive our car to Grandma’s, don’t worry I’ll be right behind you.

This niece had always been special to Janiece and after a light kiss to Rhonda’s cheek she turned to her mother and cried looking at the sadness on her face.

When Joe pulled up in front of hospital doors he got out and helped Faye inside the backseat of the car.

Janiece slid in beside her mother and smiled at him. Thank you for offering to do this for us. I do have a lot on my mind right now and it’ll be good not to have to try and concentrate on driving.

No problem, he said with an easy smile. This is sure a pretty car. He rubbed its gray velour seat. I like this new velour stuff. It doesn’t get so hot and burn your butt in the summer, or freeze it in the winter like that leather stuff does.

Joe’s chatter helped calm Janiece’s nerves and kept her from sinking down in that dark pit of self-pity. They were getting into heavy traffic now but Joe handled it like a professional. Used car lots still seem the most prosperous business in Lawton. They almost run together there are so many of them, she said as she looked out the side window.

Faye sat drawn up in the corner of the car as if she was afraid she would touch her daughter and when Janiece took her wrinkled hand, she flinched and tried to pull it away.

Joe caught up with the hearse and pulled in behind it to follow it the rest of the way home. The sight of the white hearse made Janiece want to cry but when her mother saw the hearse she began to sob loudly.

Now, Mama, Janiece said looking at the pitiful bundle in the corner, try to stop crying. Do you want to have a heart attack, too? Then what would we do? As soon as we get home you can take some of your medicine and it will help you feel calmer.

Janiece rubbed her temples, trying to push her threatening migraine away. I’ll do everything I can, but you have to help too Mama.

Joe ignored them both, as he was busy watching the road and the hearse in front of them in the busy Ft. Sill traffic.

When her mother’s sobbing quieted some she added, Dan wants us to come to the funeral home in a couple of hours. When would be a good time for the service? I think as soon as possible, don’t you? She hoped her voice didn’t sound unkind but her head was starting to really hurt.

Faye jerked her hand free of her daughter’s grasp. "Oh, for God’s sake, Janiece! I can’t think about that! You’ll have to decide. I can’t do it! I just cannot do it. Don’t ask me to make those decisions. You do it." She blew her nose and dabbed at the tears flowing down her face.

Janiece saw Joe looking at her in the mirror and they shrugged their shoulders at the same time.

All right, Mama, she answered, but Donna and Nickie will have to help. Then she added firmly, And no fussing about our selections.

Sniffing Faye answered, I don’t care who goes to the funeral home, but not me. I still remember going up there when my mother died. She shook her head sadly with the memory and looked vacantly out the window. All those caskets in that room. It made me so scared!

Then her anger returned and she looked at Janiece across from her. I’m not going up there. I don’t care what Dan Roberts or anybody else thinks. I did my part when I helped with Mother’s funeral. Now it’s your turn to do for your daddy just like I did for my mother.

Faye’s voice turned childish and whiney when she asked, Why didn’t you come when your brother called you? He said you were fussing at him when he told you to come on but you thought you had all day to mess around. You just had to find out for yourself. Well, I guess you found out. She snorted and turned her attention back to the window.

Janiece’s hands trembled and she heard the hateful words spew from her mouth. Mama, how far do you think Colorado is from here?

Faye replied quietly, I didn’t make you move all the way to Colorado.

"Let me tell you it’s a long way, Janiece said taking a deep breath. I had to go home and pack and get to the airport. I left ninety minutes after Nickie’s call and that was as soon as I could get a flight. Did you want me to charter a plane or what? Hell! You aren’t ever satisfied with anything I do, so why should this be any different?" Janiece slumped back into the seat ready to give up the conversation as a lost cause. Then she thought, Poor Mama has lost her husband and here I sit, yelling at her.

Janiece hoped her voice sounded softer when she asked, Don’t you know my heart is breaking? He was my daddy and I didn’t even get to tell him goodbye. I wanted to be at the hospital with both of you but God just didn’t mean for it to be or it would have been. The guilt she felt was almost as exhausting as her anger. Then she cried softly, I need comforting too, Mama. I loved him too and it hurts me that he died, and I wasn’t there. Can’t you understand that? Her look begged her mother to stop her childish behavior. She longed to be held and comforted by her mother like she was when she was a child.

Huh, Faye said. How do you think I feel? He was my husband. Oh, I know you thought your daddy couldn’t do anything wrong. Her crying now stopped she continued in a stern voice, You kids don’t know what I put up with all these years—the way he embarrassed me half to death. She straightened her shoulders. Well, let me tell you this, I put up with plenty! Him going around those old heifers, some of them old enough to be his mother and always saying he was kin to that outlaw Frank James. I couldn’t hold my head up in town. He acted like that was something to be proud of! I can say I never did a thing to hurt him and I was good to Nick and you’d better believe it.

The sun coming through the back glass was more than Janiece’s growing headache could tolerate and her mother’s hateful words snapped her last nerve.

This little game of her being the perfect wife has become a ritual between us. Keeping the secret I know has became harder and harder as the years pass.

Trying not to sound bitter Janiece said patiently, "If you want to bad mouth Daddy, do it to your cronies and if you want to bad mouth me, go ahead. I’ve heard it before and so has Joe. Make an