The Wine and Dudes Diet

By Anna Snowflake

Did you ever get to start your life all over again?

After leaving her half-a-lifetime marriage, Ava did just that. Setting out on a journey of self-discovery, happiness and wholeness, shaping her new lease on life, finding her way to self-compassion and courage.

Always accompanied by her miraculously loyal friend - the wine bottle - she embraces the opportunity of building new experiences. For she is young. And she is free.

Dancing in her living room, online dating, traveling solo, kissing a man and oversharing with friends, all is fair game in post-divorce territory.

Continuously reflecting, she cycles through hope, kindness, despair, anger and every emotion in between. With many mishaps, learnings and revelations along the way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 14, 2023
• ISBN: 9781447618799

Book preview

Prologue

What is life but a series of experiences, an opportunity to learn and grow, a journey into the unknown, for an undetermined length of time…

Life has many ups and downs. And we are here to live through all the days. The good ones that bring happiness. The bad ones that gives us experiences. The worst days that give us lessons. And the best days that give us memories.

This story is an ode to everyone on a learning curve, on a mission to find what makes them happy, on a quest to self-love and compassion.

And it is especially for those of us who have ended a long relationship, or lived through a divorce, who went through it all, and have a new lease on life, as it comes, with all its ups and downs.

And who can look at their journeys with a sense of wonder, reflection, and also lightheartedness.

Your past does not define you, your actions today do. And who you are today, is good enough. Always.

For all we have is today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come.

And life is too short to drink bad wine.

Drink the good stuff.

Seek out the people who encourage you.

The people who help you reflect.

Those who are kind to you.

And add value on your journey.

The ones who encourage your courage.

Hug your friends close.

Live.

Love.

Learn.

And don’t let anyone dare stop you.

Ever.

Montepulciano d’Abruzzo. Ulisse. 62 kgs.

swipe.

No smile. Swipe left.

24 years old? Seriously? Swipe left.

Military? Nope. Swipe left.

Too short. Swipe left.

Cute beard. Ok. Maybe. Swipe right.

What gorgeous dark eyes! Swipe right quickly.

Too short.

Too short.

Swipe, swipe.

What is this dude even doing on a dating site?

Swipe.

His name is Dick?

Nope. That’s unforgivable.

Sorry dude, I know that’s not your bag.

Swipe.

Oh, sporty and interesting!

And a Chilean.

Swipe right.

A professional basketball player?

Definitely swipe right.

Phew, this is a handsome selfie for sure.

Those strong arms.

Imagine being wrapped in those.

Sigh… Drool.

But, who needs attention like that?

Insecurity much?

Nope, swipe left.

Nice dude this.

Why are all the people he is with blacked out though?

That’s seriously weird.

Nope, swipe.

Aw, this one looks nice.

History has proven that small kids and I don’t gel well

Ok… Dude, you know you’ve got issues right?

That’s your very own problem, not of the one you may or may not date.

Let’s resist the temptation to psycho-analyse you.

And drop you a kind, educational note.

Moving on.

Swipe.

Wow, sand dunes, tropical skies, exploring.

You speak to my adventurous heart.

I like you.

Swipe right!

Hi, cute French dude, bonjour to you.

Swipe right!

He likes watching Netflix and napping on the couch?

Uhm, nope. Swipe. Life is too short for that.

Relaxing back onto her own couch, Ava sighed and lifted her glass of ruby red wine. It never failed to warm and relax her. This was definitely a good one, a keeper. It was full and rich and embracing. Just what she needed, cocooned in her apartment on this dark, cold night.

She still marvelled in the newness of being completely alone. For whole evenings or whole days even. Just her. Doing whatever she wanted to do. With no one to answer to. No one asking her what her plan was.  No one to comment that she was still in her pyjamas. That she was not being productive.

Was it weird that she liked to be alone? Did she care if it was or wasn’t normal? There was nothing normal about this situation. Nor about her life for that matter. She decided that if she liked to be alone after all this time of not being alone, she would be ok with that, enjoy it even. In her pyjamas. Screw convention and other people’s expectations.

After many months of relishing her newfound aloneness, she had finally succumbed. Ava’s girlfriends had goaded her into this world of online dating. And there were so many stories. Most of them funny, some heartbreaking or even sad. She had heard them all. About the not-so-self-aware-types. The inappropriate selfies shared.  The pure entitlement of people wanting or expecting something. The desperation. The ulterior motives. The insecurities. The passive aggressive behaviour. The cannot-be-alone-types. The desperate types. The apps for hookups only. The dick pics. The I am looking for something on the side stories. Or the we are looking for an extra rhetoric. Hell, people are complicated. And apparently dating in the 21st century was equally so. Yet, she was throwing herself into it anyway. She wasn’t looking for love. She wasn’t looking for someone to marry or move in with her. She didn’t need anything. She wasn’t actually looking for anything at all, but an experience. And whatever she could learn along the way about being Ava. And she was convinced that, if it is not borne out of a need, any experience can be interesting and serve as a learning experience. About yourself. About life. About love. About expectations.

Simon and Garfunkel were singing hey, I’ve got nothing to do today but smile. That was a truth if ever there was one. Smiling solved most of the world’s problems. For sure. It is scientifically proven that lifting even the corners of your lips into a smile, produces endorphins that make you feel good. So smiling definitely helped. And this tune just filled her with nothing but bliss. Another advantage of living alone. No one was around to complain about her singing out loud or listening to the same song on repeat. It is so liberating not to have to be considerate, to figure out how to behave, how someone else likes things. It was just her, her choice of music. The wine that she chose. Well, that she let the wine store dude choose. Her couch, in soft grey tones, just the way she liked it. Her plants. Her view. Her life.

And why did she love Simon and Garfunkel this much? How come it felt like they just got her, completely, in a way that no one else ever did? How come these words spoke to her this much? It probably also wasn’t conventional, her love of this type of music. Yet, it had the propensity to make her smile, no matter what life was throwing at her. It was something about their lyrics that spoke to her, the American accents, the variety of songs, the throwback in time to a few ages ago, to long car rides, sharing the backseat with her sisters. And right now, her life was not slip sliding away. She was heading into it, eyes wide open.

Back to the dating app.

When seen as a social experiment, it was really quite a lot of fun. Here there are all these people, from their early twenties until well into their fifties or sixties looking for something. What were they looking for? A connection? Sex? Attention? Deep conversations? Well, if there was anything Ava knew she was good at, it was connecting with people. It came naturally to her. It was completely immersive to learn about people, to interact with this variety of experiences, backgrounds, lives lived. That was what she had gotten out of living in and traveling to all corners of the earth. She was curious about all these people, their experiences, their lives, even if she had no clue about this dating stuff. What were they like? What was their life’s story? What experiences had they lived?

How is it possible though to have 924 likes in an evening on this app? How could she ever keep up with this? She had a day job, people! Too many unread emails in her work inbox to count. Too little time to read them. Where was the smart algorithm to filter all of these dudes? How can you even know about chemistry digitally? This was totally new territory for her.

Her agreement with her girlfriends was simple: she would look for someone to kiss. Just a kiss. That was it. After half a lifetime of being married, she would do that, she could do that.

Folding her legs underneath her, she made herself comfortable. Her pyjama bottoms fit her loosely after the intense period behind her, the turbulent waters she navigated, after the many meals she skipped due to stress or that she simply forgot about. Her blonde hair was tied in a springy ponytail. Her nails were painted in the ‘tropical water’ shade she recently bought in one of her optimistic whims.

Maybe the best place to start was the messages. She took another sip of wine and settled in. Remember, Ava, this is supposed to be fun. It is an exploration. It is a new chapter. Do not fret. Do not pout. Just lean in.

Dude message 1: Hey, I wrote to Spotify to complain. They released this week’s hottest singles and you weren’t on the list.

On. My. Word. This is both entirely cheesy and totally inauthentic. And even if I were inclined to respond, what would I even say? Park that one.

Dude message 2: Well, it looks like you traveled a lot in your life. And now, are you back here for good? Are you looking to settle down? Are you staying?

No, dude. Just no. That is not a good opening question. Nothing exciting can come from that. Ever. And also, I haven’t a clue what to answer to that. Park that one.

Dude message 3: You look amazing. You certainly cannot be a day over 32.

Ok. Thanks for the compliment. And what would I say to this…? How is that the start of a conversation? Park that one too.

Dude message 4: Hello sexy, message me and I will show you a good time. Here is my phone number.

Yeah, you are cute looking, dark-eyed Italian dude. That’s for sure. But I am new at this and maybe I prefer a conversation or at least some sharing before a hook up?

Park that one too.

Dude message 5: Hey, I bet your middle name is Gillette. Because you are the best a man can get.

That made Ava laugh out loud. Where do these dudes come up with this stuff? This is hilarious. She secretly kind of liked this, as it was super cheesy but also original in its own way? Yet, it also made her eyes roll slightly. Park that one for now.

Dude message 6: Hi Ava, I really like your about you description. Up for a chat?

Ok. That was kind of a nice, decent opening. Ava could reply to that, be interested. He was good looking and exotic and he seemed worldly. Judging from his profile and pictures at least.

So, she started: hey, you, thanks for your message. What are you up to this evening?

The response came fairly quickly: Not much, just watching Netflix on the couch.

Right, that wasn’t really a conversation opener now was it?

Let’s try again: Tired after a day’s work? What do you do during working hours? You are an engineer?

Again, a quick response: Yes. I work in process development for the government.

Hmmm. Nice. Ave reckoned the dating platform could earn a decent living if they did a side hustle in conversation skills 101. She had never done this before, but she presumed conversing online was just like in real life? You show an interest, you ask a question, you respond, you share…. Maybe these dudes didn’t yet get the memo on that? It’s really not that hard. She realised her ‘be kind to people and help’ gene definitely did not serve her in this online dating game, as she suppressed the urge to respond, to guide them into the right direction, to carry the weight of all the conversation. 

Ok, that was enough sharing with dudes for one evening. She did have a day job after all. Her special people to connect with. Friends who would respond to her with real conversation skills, understanding and advice.

Ava’s daily

WhatsApp podcast with BFF.

Edition 84.

7 minutes, 34 seconds.

"Hello, my sweet friend. How are you? How was your day? Did you have a fabulous champagne evening? I can’t believe you are being wined and dined so much. It is a beef up between Moet and your lover, as to who will come out on top. For now, I vote for the combination, and the gorgeous trips he is taking you on. A getaway to the Maldives, in one of those amazing resorts where all you wear all day and all night is your bikini and a sarong sounds absolutely amazing, the experience of a lifetime, and very romantic indeed.

And thank you for sharing all your words. They helped me frame this week properly. It is so hard to navigate all of this. Sometimes it feels like the divorce will carry on forever. And I have to do so many things I don’t want to do at all, for which I am not sure I have the courage. And I am not eating much at all. And drinking maybe a few glasses of wine too many to calm my nerves. But your words gave me strength this week and I did take that next step with my lawyer. It’s been dragging on for so long and I am worried about that, about not being able to move forward at all, ever, about the control he still exerts through this process. He was screaming and shouting at me again today. The same old messages about the terrible person I am, about me being selfish. The usual. I know it shouldn’t affect me, I know it’s all just words out of anger and control. But I still have to receive them. Each and every day. And I am doubting myself. A lot. Did I do the right thing? Can I stand on my own two feet? At times it feels completely right, and at other times, all the negativity and ugly words really get to me and I drown in self-doubt, uncertainty about whether I possess the strength to see this through, and utter exhaustion at