The Mar-a-Lago Files: Box #34

By Barry Robbins

The FBI seized 33 boxes during their search of Mar-a-Lago. But, oops, they missed one. Box #34, with its 50 documents ranging from the absurd to Top Secret, is now available for your reading pleasure. A satire not to be missed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barry Robbins
• Release date: Jun 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223241157

Barry Robbins

Two-time award-winning humor author Barry Robbins is a former accountant, but he hopes you’d never guess. He combined his interest in politics with his disdain for a certain current politician whose name rhymes with Dump, and an unfettered imagination, to produce the satirical world of Oh Daddy Chronicles, now consisting of four books. He spent his time in exile in the accounting world at a large, international accounting firm. It lasted 26 years. Then he quit. He moved to balmy Finland with his two beautiful daughters and Finnish wife. Not knowing the language, he followed in the footsteps of most expats and became adept at taking out the trash. But he also developed another pair of eyes – seeing the world and the U.S. differently. He now resides principally in Florida. With two first-place awards for Humor under his belt, Robbins wonders if he has put a dent in the accountant stereotype

Book preview

Also by Barry Robbins

The Trump Satires

The Trump Satires Box Set

Standalone

Scales of Justice: The Trump Trials

The Trump Diaries 2024

The Mar-a-Lago Files: Box #34 (Coming Soon)

The Mar-a-Lago Files

Box #34

An Oh Daddy Chronicles Satire

Barry Robbins

©2023 All rights reserved.

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Paperback ISBN: 9798397657907

Praise for the Oh Daddy Chronicles Satires

Author Barry Robbins beautifully lampoons the iconic characterization of Donald Trump as he struggles to navigate a turbulent year in American politics whilst also figuring out this whole ‘Wordle’ thing.

– K.C. Finn for Readers’ Favorite (The Trump Diaries 2024)

The Trump Diaries 2024 is a hilarious rendition of a diary written in a fictional future where Donald Trump expresses his innermost feelings and desires through a series of short everyday snippets that feel so very Trump.

– Pikasho Deka for Readers’ Favorite (The Trump Diaries 2024)

The Democrat that runs against Trump in 2024 is someone I would never have guessed… Overall, this book will tickle everyone’s funny bone. Barry is a master at inventive humor and political satire.

– Philip Van Heusen for Readers’ Favorite (The Trump Diaries 2024)

Well-written. Entertaining. Excellent political satire.

– former U.S. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (Oh Daddy Chronicles)

If you are looking for a political satire that comes across as Dave Barry meets Douglas Adams, have I got a book for you!– Artisan Book Reviews (Oh Daddy Chronicles)

Perhaps we have in author Barry Robbins a new and more direct version of Douglas C. Kenney, co-founder of the National Lampoon magazine and the National Lampoon Radio Hour, or even the great writers who collaborated to produce the famous and hilarious British movie, The Life of Brian...This is Saturday Night Live, in written form, on steroids! – Lex Allen for Readers’ Favorite (Oh Daddy Chronicles)

The author has a superb, quirky sense of humor. Think of the Far Side comics and you won’t be far from Barry Robbins’ type of comedy. – Joe Wisinksi for Readers’ Favorite (Oh Daddy Chronicles 2: Return of Covfefe)

I found it therapeutic to step outside of my reality and look at politics through the talented eyes and ‘voice’ of Barry Robbins. His sarcasm and wit will have most readers laughing out loud.

– Paige Lovitt for Reader Views (Oh Daddy Chronicles 2: Return of Covfefe)

…This collection of 27 courtroom scenes will have the non-Trump fans in stitches… You’ll find it all in this cleverly written book. And if you’re like me, you’ll enjoy this satire immensely.

– Viga Boland for Readers’ Favorite (Scales of Justice: The Trump Trials)

Cleverly written, often hilarious, the perfect present for a Democrat’s birthday.

– The Wishing Shelf (Scales of Justice: The Trump Trials)

Robbins sees the funny everywhere, and thanks to him, so do we.

– Chanticleer Book Reviews (Oh Daddy Chronicles: The Tasting)

Also by Barry Robbins

Oh Daddy Chronicles

Oh Daddy Chronicles 2: Return of Covfefe

Scales of Justice: The Trump Trials

The Trump Diaries 2024

Dedication

To my family, without whose wisdom, unwavering support and encouragement, and occasional answering of the phone when I call, this work would not be possible.

Here’s to you – K, S, and S. That stands for kiss.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Under the Pillow

Introduction

Box #34

Look What I Found

Document #1: Read the Darn Manual

Document #2: Taking Notes

Document #3: Love Letter from Vladimir

Document #4: At Least There’s No Striped Tie

Document #5: Concession Speech

Document #6: Judge Judy

Document #7: Abraham Trump

Document #8: Shreds of Evidence

Document #9: Love Letter from Kim

Document #10: Wordle

Document #11: Waiter, My Soup is Cold

Document #12: January 6 Committee

Document #13: Oh Lolli Lollipop

Document #14: Never Surrender

Document #15: Love Letter from Xi

Document #16: Not What You Think

Document #17: Gilligan’s Island

Document #18: I am Bolton

Document #19: A Perplexing Call

Document #20: All for a Pair of Slacks

Document #21: The Stalwart Chicken

Document #22: Love Letter from Bibi

Document #23: Tabula Rasa

Document #24: The Quark Affair

Document #25: Iambic Pentameter

Document #26: From Russia with Love

Document #27: The Report Card

Document #28: Confucius Say

Document #29: A Highly Unusual Patient

Document #30: Love Letter from Emmanuel

Document #31: Give My Regards to Broadway

Document #32: Checking Out

Document #33: Mr. Fix It

Document #34: The Deed is Done

Document #35: A Fairy Tale

Document #36: No Translation Needed

Document #37: Love Letter from George R.R. Martin

Document #38: Where’s the Beef

Document #39: Covfefe Revealed

Document #40: Who Needs 600

Document #41: Art of the Deal 2

Document #42: Wacky Weekend

Document #43: The Grilled Cheese Affair

Document #44: Love Letter from Pope Francis

Document #45: Das Letter

Document #46: Four More Years

Document #47: Sharpie Hall of Fame

Document #48: Anderson Cooper Does Gazpacho

Document #49: Blood Sweat and Tears

Document #50: Jim Morrison

Denouement

A Note from the Publisher

Appendix I: Commentaries on The Documents

Appendix II: Media Interviews

Appendix III: What Became of Them

About Barry Robbins

Under the Pillow

To be found, every night, under the pillow of Special Prosecutor Jack Smith.

********

Section 793 of the Espionage Act. Gathering, transmitting or losing defense information

(b) Whoever, for the purpose of obtaining information respecting the national defense with intent or reason to believe that the information is to be used to the injury of the United States, or to the advantage of any foreign nation, copies, takes, makes, or obtains, or attempts to copy, take, make or obtain, any sketch, photograph, photographic negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, instrument, appliance, document, writing, or note of anything connected with the national defense…

Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both.

********

PUBLIC LAW 95-591 – NOV. 4, 1978

THE PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS ACT OF 1978

(2) The term Presidential records means documentary materials… created or received by the President…in the course of conducting activities which relate to or have an effect upon the carrying out of the constitutional, statutory, or other official or ceremonial duties of the President…

§ 2202. Ownership of Presidential records

The United States shall reserve and retain complete ownership, possession, and control of Presidential records…

§ 2203. Management and custody of Presidential records

(f) (1) Upon the conclusion of a President’s term of office, the Archivist of the United States shall assume responsibility for the custody, control, and preservation of, and access to, the Presidential records of that President.

********

Jack Smith:

"Now I lay me down to sleep

I have the strength to nail this creep.

With these statutes he will weep

What he sows he will reap."

Introduction

What you are about to read is highly confidential. It concerns a box and the documents contained therein. They were a closely guarded secret until that sudden gust of wind caused them to land in the basket of my unicycle. I am fully prepared to provide them to the relevant authorities at the appropriate time. But I wanted you to have the opportunity to see them first. I wish you pleasant reading.

B.R.

Box #34

Inventory of boxes taken from Mar-a-Lago on August 8, 2022.

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT

SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF FLORIDA

WEST PALM BEACH DIVISION

CASE NO. 22-CV-81294-CANNON

DONALD J. TRUMP

Plaintiff

v                              UNDER SEAL AND EX PARTE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Defendant

DETAILED PROPERTY INVENTORY

PURSUANT TO COURT’S PRELIMINARY ORDER

Item #1 – Documents from Office

1 US Government Document with SECRET Classification Markings

2 US Government Documents/Photographs without Classification Markings

.

.

.

.

.

Item #33 – Box/Container from Storage Room

2 Empty Folders Labeled Return to Staff Secretary/Military Aide

Looks like we have them all, Agent Cooper.

I’m not so sure, Agent Keen. I could have sworn I saw Box #34…

Look What I Found

Donald Trump is seated behind his desk in his Mar-a-Lago office. Ricardo, the head butler at Mar-a-Lago, approaches somewhat hesitantly.

Yes, Ricardo, what is it?

It seems, sir, that the FBI missed one of your boxes when they conducted their search on August 8.

Really? Where was it?

In the crawl space above the floor-to-ceiling pole in Melania’s now vacant bedroom.

(Editor’s note: Following their respective divorces from Donald and Jared, Melania and Ivanka moved to San Francisco where they were betrothed in a same-sex marriage.)

How did anyone find it?

Well, it seems that Miss Ivanka, when she was visiting here last week, scampered up the pole so fast that her head broke through the ceiling and the box of documents fell to the floor.

Why was she in such a hurry?

One of your invited guests - Matt Gaetz - was chasing her.

Gaetz? No way. She’s way too old for him.

Yes, sir. But he was after her daughter’s phone number. What shall I do with the box, sir? Shall I call the Department of Justice?

Hell, no. I need to go through all those documents first. I’d like you to stay here and help me, Ricardo.

Of course, sir. But I don’t have any security clearance.

Clearance, schmearance. I just declared you fully classified. Let’s get started.

Ricardo retrieves the box, brings it to Donald Trump’s office, locks the door, pulls up a chair, and off they go!

Document #1

Read the Darn Manual

Owner’s Manual for Model 4TYE28OI91783gcRt2 Olfactory GPS Walker – Pink

— Beginning of Document —

Dear User,

Thank you for choosing our product. You have now joined the elite group of suckers and losers. We truly hope you will experience many pleasant moments and enjoy your Model 4TYE28O191783gcRt2 Olfactory GPS Walker – Pink. The pink color which you have chosen is especially popular with our cherished LGBTQ community of users. Here is their Facebook page should you wish to join. facebook.com/olfactorygpspink.com.

Assembly

Put all four wheels in the appropriate wheel slots. Tighten securely.

Adjust the height of the handlebar as desired. Tighten securely.

Attach basket to handlebars.

Test all components, including brakes, before proceeding to next step.

Calibrating the olfactory GPS

Turn the olfactory GPS switch to Sniff.

Stand within two feet of the sensor for 10 minutes. Try not to scratch your butt as this can cause anomalies down the road. Also, avoid the use of hair or face dyes, particularly orange.

Service and support

This section purposely left blank. We did say suckers and losers, remember? Good luck with your walker.

— End of Document —

So that’s where the Owner’s Manual got to. I sure had quite an adventure with that walker. Shall I tell the story, Ricardo?

Please do, sir. I never tire of hearing it.

"OK. Two things had been building up. 1) Jared kept making fun of how low-tech I was. How was I supposed to know that URL doesn’t stand for Utah Republican League? 2) I was having more and more difficulty walking and keeping my balance.

"So I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I bought myself one of those new fancy, high-tech walkers. It had the usual features - handlebars, four wheels, a storage compartment, brakes, and a seat if needed. But, and this was the cool part, it came equipped with olfactory GPS.

"Here’s how it was supposed to work. Once the walker was assembled, you stood next to the olfactory sensor, push a button, and let it smell you for ten minutes. Then, whenever you needed your walker, you pressed the button on your cell phone app and the walker was supposed to walk itself to you, stopping eight inches away, handles towards you.

"I couldn’t wait to try it out and brag to that smarty-pants, Jared. So I let it sniff, then moved it to a different part of Mar-a-Lago, and returned to my bedroom. Then I pressed the magic button. I waited. And waited some more. No walker. Finally, I heard Miguel, who was taking out the garbage, yell, ‘Anyone know who this walker belongs to?’

I figured it was just a bug. I retrained the olfactory GPS and tried the same thing again. And it worked, except for one minor issue. Instead of stopping eight inches in front of me, it never stopped. I was pinned against the wall by that sucker for three hours before you finally found me.

That sure was quite a day, sir. I’d never before seen you go so long without a cheeseburger.

You know, Ricardo, being President didn’t even have an instruction manual.

Would you have read it if there had been one, sir?

Are you kidding?

Document #2

Taking Notes

— Beginning of Document —

FULTON COUNTY SUPERIOR COURT

FULTON COUNTY, GEORGIA

STATE OF GEORGIA

PLAINTIFF

VS.                                           No. HC763981

DONALD J. TRUMP

DEFENDANT

SUPERIOR COURT OF FULTON COUNTY, GEORGIA

CASE NO. HC763981 STATE OF GEORGIA VS. DONALD J. TRUMP

HONORABLE URAL GLANVILLE, CHIEF JUDGE PRESIDING

COURT REPORTER’S TRANSCRIPT

JANUARY 8, 2023

APPEARANCES:

FOR PLAINTIFFS:

FANI T. WILLIS, ESQ., FULTON COUNTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY

FOR DEFENDANTS:

NAME WITHHELD UPON REQUEST

EXHIBITS

FOR PLAINTIFFS:

ONE SMALL MOBILE DEVICE WITH A TAPE RECORDING

FOR DEFENDANTS:

ONE LARGE BOOMBOX WITH VOLUME TURNED UP

Court proceedings

Citizen Trump and his lawyer enter the tightly packed courtroom. Citizen Trump makes his way to the chair reserved for Defendant.

Judge: The clerk will please read the charges.

Clerk: In the matter of The State of Georgia vs. Donald John Trump, the prosecution alleges that Defendant unlawfully attempted to interfere with the proper counting and reporting of votes in the State of Georgia in the November 3, 2020 election for President of the United States.

Judge: How pleads Defendant?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

Howls of laughter in the courtroom.

Judge: Prosecution may call its first witness.

Prosecution counsel calls Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger.

Raffensperger: "Rather than take too much of the Court’s time, Your Honor, I’d