Icons in the Oval

By Barry Robbins

Welcome to 'Icons in the Oval,' where the grandeur of America's most iconic residence meets a vibrant tapestry of tour guides. Envision the wise Yoda bringing tranquility to the Rose Garden, or Nelson Mandela sharing his profound insights in the Oval Office. Picture Ben & Jerry spinning tales in the State Dining Room, serving scoops of fun and fascination in equal measure. With a cast ranging from beloved fictional characters to pivotal historical figures, every guide breathes unique life into their tour. 110 unforgettable journeys await you, each offering a fresh, captivating take on the White House. Get ready for an adventure that transforms the traditional guided tour into something truly extraordinary.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barry Robbins
• Release date: Oct 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223382683

Barry Robbins

Two-time award-winning humor author Barry Robbins is a former accountant, but he hopes you’d never guess. He combined his interest in politics with his disdain for a certain current politician whose name rhymes with Dump, and an unfettered imagination, to produce the satirical world of Oh Daddy Chronicles, now consisting of four books. He spent his time in exile in the accounting world at a large, international accounting firm. It lasted 26 years. Then he quit. He moved to balmy Finland with his two beautiful daughters and Finnish wife. Not knowing the language, he followed in the footsteps of most expats and became adept at taking out the trash. But he also developed another pair of eyes – seeing the world and the U.S. differently. He now resides principally in Florida. With two first-place awards for Humor under his belt, Robbins wonders if he has put a dent in the accountant stereotype

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©2023 All rights reserved.

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Paperback ISBN: 9798862129939

Also by Barry Robbins

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Dive into the whirlwind tour of the iconic White House as never before! In Icons in the Oval, author Barry Robbins takes readers on an immersive, playful, and profoundly entertaining journey through the hallowed halls of America's Executive Mansion.

Witness history, humor, and the unexpected intertwine as illustrious figures from history, science, pop culture, and beyond serve as your personal tour guides. From the grand Entrance Hall to the majestic South Lawn, each character imparts their unique perspective, making history come alive in ways that are amusing, insightful, and occasionally hair-raising.

From the transcendent mind of Albert Einstein to the cinematic presence of Darth Vader, from luminaries like Abraham Lincoln and Nelson Mandela to legendary figures such as Ramses II and Socrates, this collection of tours is as diverse and intriguing as it is delightful.

Packed with stories that will make you laugh, gasp, and learn, this book is a joyous celebration of the White House's rich history and the larger-than-life personalities who have shaped our world. A must-read for history enthusiasts, culture vultures, and anyone who loves a good tale well told.

Prepare to embark on a tour like no other. Welcome to the White House as you've never seen it before.

Dedication

To Pam, my caregiver extraordinaire, without whom this work would not have been possible. Words cannot express my gratitude. Please read Tour 35.

Foreword

Welcome to Icons in the Oval.

What if you could tour the White House, not just with a conventional guide, but alongside a mix of historical figures, literary characters, and whimsical personalities? That’s exactly what this book offers you. It’s a unique, imaginative journey through the most famous house in America, and perhaps the world.

From the State Dining Room’s opulent grandeur to the Oval Office’s power epicenter, we will traverse spaces infused with centuries of history, guided by a motley crew of personalities. Some of these figures have indeed walked these hallways and shaped world events. Others spring from the fertile ground of history, fiction, and fantasy, their perspectives lending a fresh and often humorous twist to our exploration.

Each tour presents a different perspective. There’s the scientific curiosity of Albert Einstein, the eye for abstraction of Pablo Picasso, the adventurous spirit of Captain Jack Sparrow, and even the youthful exuberance of Peter Pan. Each guide imbues their tour with their unique charm, making for an engaging blend of fact and fun, history and whimsy.

Icons in the Oval isn’t just another history book. It’s a colorful tapestry where factual history and imaginative storytelling intermingle, providing both an informative and entertaining experience. Whether you’re a history aficionado, a lover of intriguing trivia, or just a fan of a good yarn, you’ll find something to tickle your fancy here.

One final note. No book is born in isolation. The making of this book has been a unique collaborative process. I, as the author, owe a debt of gratitude to the creative prowess of OpenAI’s language model, GPT-4, my faithful and ingenious writing partner. Its computational creativity has played an invaluable role in bringing these tours to life. Yet, while its contribution is significant, the soul of the book—the creative seed, the joy, the whimsy, and the human touch—stems from my own imagination. The blend, we hope, is something unique and entertaining.

Now, get ready for a White House tour unlike any other. Whether it’s the measured wisdom of Nelson Mandela or the mirthful antics of P.T. Barnum, our guides are eager to share their unique takes on this storied house’s hallowed halls. So, step inside, join the journey, and let’s see the White House as we’ve never seen it before.

Enjoy the ride!

Barry Robbins and GPT-4

The Tours

Let the Tours Begin

Tour 1: Buddha

Tour 2: Peter Pan

Tour 3: J. Edgar Hoover

Tour 4: Mata Hari

Tour 5: David Ben Gurion

Tour 6: Hulk Hogan

Tour 7: Captain Jack Sparrow

Tour 8: Albert Einstein

Tour 9: Yoda

Tour 10: Lassie

Tour 11: Charlemagne

Tour 12: The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

Tour 13: Jack the Ripper

Tour 14: Barack Obama

Tour 15: Dr. Seuss

Tour 16: Simon and Garfunkel

Tour 17: Fidel Castro

Tour 18: Judas Iscariot

Tour 18: Raymond Babbitt

Tour 20: Dorothy

Tour 21: Xi Jinping

Tour 22: Monica Lewinsky

Tour 23: Snoopy

Tour 24: Immanuel Kant

Tour 25: Vladimir Lenin

Tour 26: Maya Angelou

Tour 27: Tomás de Torquemada

Tour 28: Forrest Gump

Tour 29: Pope Francis

Tour 30: Dobby, the House Elf

Tour 31: Willie Mays

Tour 32: Phantom of the Opera

Tour 33: William Shakespeare

Tour 34: Robin Williams

Tour 35: Pam, the Caregiver

Tour 26: Mary Poppins

Tour 37: Socrates

Tour 38: Mahatma Gandhi

Tour 39: Bill Clinton

Tour 40: Merlin

Tour 41: Charles Darwin

Tour 42: Voldemort

Tour 43: Casanova

Tour 44: Charlie Chaplin

Tour 45: Lieutenant Worf

Tour 46: Pablo Picasso

Tour 47: Satchel Paige

Tour 48: Abraham Lincoln

Tour 49: Satan

Tour 50: Tyrion Lannister

Tour 51: Senia, Ballet Dancer

Tour 52: Alan Turing

Tour 53: James Bond

Tour 54: Mr. Carson

Tour 55: Flying Spaghetti Monster

Tour 56: Alice in Wonderland

Tour 57: Franz Kafka

Tour 58: Mona Lisa

Tour 59: Mao Zedong

Tour 60: Julius Caesar

Tour 61: Darth Vader

Tour 62: Florence Nightingale

Tour 63: Muhammad

Tour 64: E.E. Cummings

Tour 65: Life Form Zero

Tour 66: Laurence Olivier

Tour 67: Erwin Schrödinger

Tour 68: Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl

Tour 69: Willy Wonka

Tour 70: Ben & Jerry

Tour 71: Thomas Jefferson

Tour 72: Moses

Tour 73: Yate, the Retired Medical Worker

Tour 74: Winston Churchill

Tour 75: E.T.

Tour 76: Attila the Hun

Tour 77: Agatha Christie

Tour 78: Dr. Anthony Fauci

Tour 79: Al Capone

Tour 80: Kramer, From Seinfeld

Tour 81: Fred Flintstone

Tour 82: Cirque du Soleil

Tour 83: Emeril Lagasse

Tour 84: Nelson Mandela

Tour 85: Silva, University Student

Tour 86: Santa Claus

Tour 87: Deadpool

Tour 88: David and Goliath

Tour 89: Ayatollah Khomeini

Tour 90: Chewbacca

Tour 91: P.T. Barnum

Tour 92: Tenzing Norgay

Tour 93: J.R.R. Tolkien

Tour 94: Kurt Gödel

Tour 95: The Sorting Hat

Tour 96: Sherlock Holmes

Tour 97: Count Dracula

Tour 98: Robin Hood

Tour 99: Ramses II

Tour 100: George Washington

The Special Artistic Tours

Special Artistic Tour 1: Impressionism

Special Artistic Tour 2: Improvisational Jazz

Special Artistic Tour 3: Cubism

Special Artistic Tour 4: Poetic Metaphor

Special Artistic Tour 5: Gothic Architecture

Special Artistic Tour 6: Starry Night

Special Artistic Tour 7: Hip Hop

Special Artistic Tour 8: Lyric Epic

Special Artistic Tour 9: Surrealism

Special Artistic Tour 10: Candid Street Photography: A Farewell Tour

The Chat Rooms

Echoes in Cyberspace: Internet Chat Rooms

J. Edgar Hoover’s Chat Room

Hulk Hogan’s Chat Room

Einstein’s Chat Room

Jack the Ripper’s Chat Room

Fidel Castro’s Chat Room

Monica Lewinsky’s Chat Room

Pope Francis’ Chat Room

Dobby, the House Elf’s Chat Room

Phantom of the Opera’s Chat Room

Pam, the Caregiver’s Chat Room

Pablo Picasso’s Chat Room

Abraham Lincoln’s Chat Room

Mao Zedong’s Chat Room

Florence Nightingale’s Chat Room

Kurt Gödel’s Chat Room

The White House

A White House Deep Dive

The White House

Grand Entrance Hall

State Dining Room

Blue Room

Green Room

Vermeil Room

East Room

Lincoln Bedroom

Situation Room

Oval Office

Rose Garden

South Lawn

The Others

The Rooms

The Party

Oh What a Night

The Biographies

Meet the Tour Guides

About the Author

Let the Tours Begin

Timeless halls await,

In history’s hallowed steps,

Let the tours begin.

Editor’s note: Throughout this book, you’ll find instances of a unique form of poetry called a ‘haiku.’ Traditionally Japanese, haikus are known for their brevity and power, often using just 17 syllables, distributed over three lines in a 5-7-5 pattern, to evoke emotions, capture a moment, or paint a vivid image. In ‘Icons in the Oval,’ these haikus are used at key transition points to encapsulate the essence of the upcoming sections, acting as doorways into new stages of our journey. They offer a chance to pause and reflect on the richness of the White House’s history before delving deeper into its stories. We hope you enjoy these little nuggets of poetic contemplation as you embark on this unprecedented tour.

Tour 1

Buddha

Stepping into the grandeur of the Entrance Hall, an air of tranquility surrounds you. Standing serene amidst the grandiosity is Buddha, his gentle eyes reflecting timeless wisdom. He inclines his head in warm greeting, Welcome, fellow travelers of life. Let this journey not just be through these majestic corridors, but through the corridors of your understanding.

As you move into the State Dining Room, his gaze sweeps over the grand setting, the opulent table, the dazzling chandeliers. His voice, like a gentle stream, flows, Here, where lavish feasts are served, it is an embodiment of our world. As we nourish our bodies, let us not forget to feed our minds with wisdom. Balance, my friends, is the key.

In the Blue Room, Buddha’s calm gaze rests on the portraits adorning the walls. His voice takes on a reflective tone, Observe these portraits, they tell stories of impermanence, of the ebb and flow of power. Even as empires rise and fall, the wheel of life continues to turn, carrying its burden of suffering. Seek liberation not through power, but through understanding.

The Lincoln Bedroom houses the grand bed that draws Buddha’s attention. Rest, he begins, a smile touching his serene features, is vital. As we rest, we heal, rejuvenate, we prepare for another cycle of life. Just as President Lincoln found comfort in this room, find solace within your mind.

In the Situation Room, the mood changes. The room, with its screens and technology, is filled with a sense of urgency and tension. Buddha, however, remains unperturbed. In every situation, there is a path to peace. Remember, no external condition can bring you lasting happiness. It must be found within.

The Oval Office receives a nod of acknowledgment. Here, decisions are made, paths are chosen. The wheel of karma turns, shaped by actions taken in rooms such as these. Each choice, a ripple in the pond of existence.

The tranquility of the Rose Garden seems to deepen as Buddha leads you into it. He pauses by a blooming rose, inviting a guest to come closer. Observe this rose. Amidst the sharp thorns, it blooms, a testament to resilience. Happiness, too, can be found amidst suffering. It’s not about avoiding the thorns but understanding their purpose.

An added stop takes you to the White House Library. The room is quiet, filled with the rustling whispers of countless pages. Buddha’s serene gaze sweeps over the books lining the shelves. This room, filled with thoughts, ideas, and knowledge, is much like our minds. And just as we should strive to fill these shelves with wisdom, so should we aim to fill our minds with understanding and compassion.

As the tour concludes on the South Lawn, the scent of the fresh-cut grass permeating the air, Buddha turns to his guests, a serene expression on his face. Just as this lawn stretches open and inviting before us, he gestures with a broad sweep of his hand, so too are the possibilities of your inner journey. Seek not the monuments of stone, but the monument of inner peace, the nirvana within.

His voice softens as he imparts his final words. My friends, remember, peace comes not from the external world, but from within. May you carry this lesson within you, and may it illuminate your path with the radiant glow of enlightenment. The last rays of the setting sun bathe his figure in an ethereal light, a living embodiment of his tranquil wisdom, forever etched in the minds of those fortunate to partake in this extraordinary tour.

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Tour 2

Peter Pan

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, brace yourselves for an adventure like no other! A sudden gust of wind ruffles the air, tinged with a salty sea scent as the boy who never grew up, Peter Pan, flutters into the grand Entrance Hall. Sprinkling pixie dust, he somersaults midair, laughing, Welcome, fellow adventurers, to the start of a fantastic journey!

In the State Dining Room, Peter leaps onto the table, his eyes sparkling with mischief, This grand room is a perfect rival to the opulence of Captain Hook’s ship! He ducks and weaves, dodging invisible flying custard pies in an epic food fight with Hook’s pirate crew.

Entering the Blue Room, a wave of calm washes over the group. Peter, pausing his high-energy antics, invites everyone to imagine they’re underwater. Hear the siren’s song, spot a flicker of a mermaid’s tail in these blue depths, he whispers, his eyes twinkling with unspoken tales.

The Lincoln Bedroom inspires a certain reverence even in Peter. Once upon a time, he begins, spinning a grand tall tale about Lincoln, the valiant warrior, filled with enchanted hats and echoing laughter, transforming the solemn room into a storytelling haven.

As the group steps into the Situation Room, Peter’s eyes gleam with a newfound excitement. Imagine this room as a treasure map, he exclaims, where every decision uncovers a hidden trove, the biggest adventures are always within your grasp!

In the Oval Office, Peter hops onto the President’s desk, gripping its edges, he pretends to steer it like a ship navigating through the treacherous Neverland seas. Ahoy, mates! Look out for Hook’s ship in the horizon, he calls, darting towards the window with a hearty laugh.

The Rose Garden becomes a magical forest under Peter’s guidance. As he and Tinker Bell engage in a race among the roses, he encourages the visitors to see the flowers as exotic plants from Neverland and imagine hiding from Hook’s pirate crew behind the rose bushes.

Finally, on the South Lawn, with the towering Washington Monument in the background, Peter exclaims, That! The highest peak of Neverland! He challenges himself, Watch me fly to the top, touch the sky!

The echo of a familiar pirate’s roar halts the laughter. Captain Hook strides forward, shaking his fist at Peter. This isn’t over, Pan! Unfazed, Peter winks at the group, Well, that’s my cue. Off to another adventure! Remember, he calls over his shoulder, darting off towards Hook, never grow up! The tour ends in an uproar of laughter, marking an unforgettable White House adventure, sprinkled with a generous dose of Neverland magic.

Tour 3

J. Edgar Hoover

In the bustling Entrance Hall, a gruff voice rang out over the din. Towering over the group was none other than the formidable former FBI Director, J. Edgar Hoover. Alright, listen up, he barked, his stern gaze keeping the guests at attention. This may be a tour, but I expect the discipline and attention I demanded from my agents. We’re not here just to admire the decor; we’re here to understand the weight of history within these walls.

Guiding the group into the State Dining Room, Hoover assessed the grand space with a critical eye. This room has seen countless meals, countless negotiations, he stated, a hint of nostalgia in his gruff tone. And remember, like in the field of law enforcement, it’s not just about the meal. It’s about the alliances forged, the information gathered. Each dinner could be a stepping stone for major decisions.

The tranquil oasis of the Blue Room offered a stark contrast to Hoover’s stern demeanor. However, his gruff exterior didn’t soften. Don’t let the fancy furnishings fool you, he cautioned. In my experience, even the most beautiful settings can be a façade for darker dealings. Always be prepared to look beyond the surface, that’s an essential lesson in law enforcement.

The tour then entered the Lincoln Bedroom. Hoover’s stern gaze softened slightly as he studied the replica of the Emancipation Proclamation. A true game changer, he said, his usual harsh tone slightly mellowed. Just as we, in the Bureau, aim to be in our pursuit of justice.

Moving on to the Situation Room, the guests felt a palpable shift in Hoover’s demeanor. He surveyed the room with a hardened gaze. This is where the rubber meets the road. The nation’s toughest decisions are made here, he shared. Much like in my old office, every piece of intelligence, every decision, could mean the difference between safety and catastrophe.

In the Oval Office, Hoover’s stern demeanor seemed to amplify the room’s gravitas. This room and the FBI, he stated, are similar in more ways than you’d think. Both deal with immense power, both require unshakeable resolve, and both attract their share of friends and foes.

Upon entering the Rose Garden, Hoover seemed slightly taken aback by the serene beauty of the blooms. However, he swiftly masked his surprise with a gruff comment, In our line of work, moments of peace are rare, but they remind us of what we’re fighting to protect. This garden represents the peace and order we strive for.

Finally, stepping onto the South Lawn with a view of the Washington Monument, Hoover compared the towering structure to his enduring legacy in law enforcement. Just as the monument stands tall and steadfast, so did the Bureau under my tenure. We were, and continue to be, a permanent fixture in the fabric of this nation.

As the tour concluded, Hoover issued a parting challenge to the group. Remember this tour, not for the beautiful rooms or the iconic artifacts, but for the enduring symbol of authority and responsibility that the White House, and institutions like the FBI, represent.

Tour 4

Mata Hari

Welcome, mesdames et messieurs, a husky voice resonates through the grand Entrance Hall, causing an immediate hush over the tour group. Enigma personified, she stands before them—Mata Hari—the infamous courtesan, the seductive siren of espionage, her eyes lined heavily with kohl, her body adorned with jangling jewels that sparkle in the chandelier light.

Guiding them into the hall, Mata Hari moves with the grace of a dancer. She gestures towards the grand staircase, the glinting chandeliers, and the stately portrait of George Washington. An entrance should be breathtaking, she notes, her voice wrapping around each word like velvet. A lasting impression, that’s the secret of enchantment, the whispered memory that remains long after you’ve disappeared.

When they enter the State Dining Room, Mata Hari moves to the 1829 mahogany dining table. Ah, the meals served here, she muses, trailing her fingers across the glossy surface. The shared laughs, the clinking glasses... alliances formed, secrets exchanged—each meal a clandestine dance of diplomacy, a feast of secrets on a platter.

The Blue Room is next. The grandeur of the Federal-style furniture, the luscious blue drapes, the circular room—it all seems to enrapture her. A room for receptions, yet it seems designed for a private waltz, don’t you think? she asks, her eyes glinting with hidden stories. I can almost hear the rhythm of a private waltz, can’t you?

Upon reaching the Lincoln Bedroom, she gestures to the rosewood Lincoln bed. A place of respite shadowed by history. The heavy curtains whisper stories of the past, of significant decisions made in sleepless nights. History, my friends, can be a relentless, unforgiving bedfellow.

As they descend into the Situation Room, she sweeps an arm around the space. A room designed for the shadow dance of power and secrets. I have moved in such shadowy halls myself, traded whispers in the echo of power, her voice drops to a conspiratorial whisper, reverberating off the high-tech walls of the room.

In the Oval Office, her gaze sweeps over the room—the President’s desk, the twin flags, the circular layout. A place of decision, where one person can alter the course of history. She pauses, a wistful note in her voice. One might even taste the whispers of power in the air, laced with promises and peril.

Outside, in the beautiful Rose Garden, she seems to find solace. A touch of beauty amidst the stern games of power, she comments, bending down to inhale the scent of a rose. Even in a garden, secrets lie dormant, waiting for their moment to bloom.

On the South Lawn, under the gaze of the towering Washington Monument, Mata Hari shares her concluding thoughts. The game of power, the dance of diplomacy, it never truly ends. The board changes, the players evolve, but the dance of intrigue, it weaves on.

Her gaze sweeps over the group, the twinkle in her eyes reflecting the soft glow of the setting sun. She gestures with her bejeweled hands, inviting the group to inquire. Now, mesdames et messieurs, I’m sure you have questions. Don’t be shy, ask away.

A young woman in a classic Chanel suit raises her hand and ventures the first question. Mata Hari, you’re known for your dances. Which dance is your favorite, and why?

With a nostalgic smile, Mata Hari responds, Ah, the dance of the seven veils is closest to my heart. It embodies mystery and seduction, just as my life does.

A scholarly man, his glasses perched precariously on the edge of his nose, then asks, You’ve lived through remarkable times and had brushes with powerful people. How did it shape you?

The infamous spy tilts her head thoughtfully. It taught me that power is an intoxicating dance, and I became adept at leading and following. I learned the language of intrigue, a language of whispers and glances.

Next, a bubbly teenager, clutching a vintage spy novel, asks excitedly, What’s your most daring adventure as a spy?

Mata Hari’s eyes twinkle with mischief as she answers, Well, dear, some stories are best left cloaked in mystery, but I can say that every day was a thrilling dance on the edge of danger.

A gentleman in a dapper suit, holding an old, yellowed newspaper, then queries, You were executed as a spy, yet some still debate your guilt. If given a chance, would you change your choices?

She looks at him directly, her gaze piercing yet unfathomable. Life is a performance, monsieur. I chose to dance, even when the music turned somber. Regrets are not in my repertoire.

Finally, a lady in a chic, floral dress asks, Mata Hari, if you could steal any famous gem or artifact, what would it be?

With a laugh that echoes across the lawn, Mata Hari replies, Why, the Hope Diamond, ma chérie. Its illustrious history and legendary curse seem a fitting match for my own dramatic tale!

As the Q&A draws to a close, Mata Hari gestures towards the majestic White House. Behind us is a monument of power and history, a stage where the dance of diplomacy and intrigue never ends. Just remember, whether you’re in the grandeur of a palace or the shadowy corridors of espionage, always dance with passion and fearlessness. Thank you for sharing this dance with me today.

Tour 5

David Ben Gurion

David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s founding father, with his iconic wild, white hair, begins the tour in the grandeur of the Entrance Hall. Alongside him: his childhood idol, Theodor Herzl. As they admire the scenic murals, Ben-Gurion recounts how the sweeping views of the Negev desert from his Sde Boker home always inspired him. He mentions Herzl’s love of scenic beauty too, to which Herzl chuckles in agreement.

Moving to the State Dining Room, Ben-Gurion touches on the elegant design while humorously imagining Herzl’s preferred dish, pea soup, served amid a state dinner. The thought elicits a round of laughter from the group. He doesn’t forget to mention the room’s capacity: a whopping 140 guests, enough to host a small kibbutz gathering.

In the Blue Room, while appreciating the French-inspired decor, Ben-Gurion soberly reminds the group of the hard-fought journey to establishing Israel. However, he lifts the mood by adding that these trials taught Israelis resilience, a quality as strong as the robust Blue Room furnishings.

Entering the Lincoln