Ireland vs the Devil

By Harry Chong

In a land down under, Ireland, a quaint, little island holds the family known as the O'Gradys. There's: Finnegan O' Grady, his wife Gail (who seems to believe everyone is going to burn in Hell), their bookworm son Flynn, and the boy's grandfather, Grady O'Grady, a man of the cloth.

 

One day, when Flynn is made to go into their chicken coop to clean out all the poop, he meets a giant, big, black snake with glowing, red eyes. Father Grady concludes that this creature is in reality the Devil, and he, the O'Gradys, and two volunteers, Mike O'Shea, and 95 year old Mrs. Mullarkey, must head out to the forest to find "the Beast."

 

On their journey, filled with banter, rants, comical violence, and a potato monster, they discover that the Devil is an Englishman (of course), and he wants to bring Hell to Earth by opening the Jaws of Hell. But to open them he must beat a human being in a contest of their choosing.

 

The Devil, using his tricks, tricks Flynn into agreeing to a fiddle contest, and thus begins a race to master this musical instrument. His grandfather, Grady O'Grady, teaches him how to play the fiddle, and through this journey, Flynn must dry his tears, miss much needed sleep, avoid temptation, and try to not be killed by a bloodthirsty mob, and worse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Harry Chong
• Release date: Jun 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223037187

Book preview

CHARACTERS

MAIN CHARACTERS

Flynn O'Grady - A wise-cracking, curious child, with a heart of gold, and perfect head of red hair. He is the chosen one in this story, and the son of Finnegan O'Grady. He's only 10 years old!

Finnegan C. O'Grady - The middle-aged owner of O'Grady Farm. He looks like an older version of his son, having perfect red hair, and freckles to match. Though he takes life a bit more seriously. He is your typical Irish father, trying to instill discipline, and a hardwork ethic on his child.

Gail O'Grady - A lover of Jesus Christ, and all things Jesus. She is a lot more serious than her husband Finnegan. Her main concern in life is getting into Heaven, and making sure her family avoids the pits of a burning Hell, too. She has a peculiar look to her, having dark hair, but very green eyes.

Grady O'Grady - Father to Finnegan O'Grady, and Father to his church. He devoted himself to God after his attractive wife, Fiona, died in an accident involving a Canadian goose. His parents named him Grady because they lacked the creative abilities to come up with a better name. Also, they thought it was amusing that a person could have their last name as a first name.

The Devil - Has a strong desire to destroy mankind. He is a collector of souls, and a collector of blood, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is 100% a hedonist, and he is attracted to pain, and suffering. He is also a well dressed Englishman. Suits only!

Mike O'Shea - A middle-aged member of Doubting Thomas Church. He's not a main character but he made a good argument for why he should be.

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OTHER CHARACTERS

Mrs. Mullarkey - A 95 year old Catholic, and ardent lover of Jesus. She is as wrinkly as a Chinese Shar-Pei, but her bite is like that of a young shark. She protects herself at all times with a cane that is also a sword.

Liam Legend - One of two Liam Legends living on Inishmore Island. He is a big, fat, greasy man that owns, and operates Liam's Butcher Shoppe. Obviously, he is a butcher.

Jimothy - Fella with a big nose who wants to sell dragon hats.

Sean Watts - Englishman who runs a pawnshop with his Irish wife 'Sive.'

Mangonio Banderas - A hag of a woman that lives in Romania. But don't call her that because she will punch you in the gut.

Lord Bloodshed - He's a vampire that has a badass name.

Wee, Little Boy - A boy who is looking for some well water.

Gruffudd - A Welshman, and jockey who hates fiddles.

Peaches & Cream - A Horseman of the Apocalypse. White as snow, he carries around arrows, and a bow.

Duffy the Snake Slayer - A very religious man who murdered all the snakes in Ireland. 'Good!' they thought at first; however, Duffy's anti-snake rampage backfired, and caused a notable explosion in Ireland's rat population.

Sheila - An extraordinary, Irish writer! She enjoys silence very much, so shut yer mouth!

Tilly, Jilly, and Vanilly - Three female leprechauns. Female leprechauns, as you may know, are typically both fat, and sassy. The majority of them are born in Louth.

Seamus Christ - A cousin of Jesus Christ. Blasphemy, you say? Nope. Lots of things happened after Jesus Christ left Earth. If you want to know what happened, please purchase a copy of his autobiography titled 'The First Crucifixion Is The Deepest.'

CHAPTER 1: RED EYES

INISHMORE ISLAND

In the early 1900s, there was a small, little farm on an island called Inishmore Island. It was not a very large island but it was said that it had a very large heart. Here on Inishmore were only several hundred people, and each person knew one another.

It was a cozy community, where moss grew on each, and every stone. They were rather proud of their accomplishments, and they spat on anyone who would disagree with them. But since few people visited Inishmore there was very little spitting to do.

Yes, for the old folks, Inishmore was a great place to retire, simple, yet beautiful. It was a beautiful island west of Ireland (also known as the Emerald Isle). Now, here we could see the locally famous O'Grady Farm.

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O'GRADY FARM

O'Grady Farm was the largest farm on Inishmore. It looked a tad rundown, but they were productive, and they grew all sorts of things. What they grew depended on market demand. Last year, they only grew potatoes. Now, they grew potatoes, and carrots, and raised animals.

The farming business was a thankless job, so the owner of O'Grady Farm, Finnegan O'Grady, made his son do many of the things he didn't want to do.

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O'GRADY FARMHOUSE

In the O'Grady Farmhouse, a house painted entirely green, sat a 10 year old at the kitchen table reading a new book called 'The Crock of Gold.' This child was named Flynn O'Grady. He had freckles, and red hair, and the energy of pink bunny.

This morning, his mother, who had black hair, and green eyes, Gail O'Grady, urged him to eat his breakfast of hot porridge.

GAIL: Will you stop reading, and eat your breakfast?

FLYNN: Why?

GAIL: Not eating your food, and wasting it is a sin. And you know where sin leads.

FLYNN: Straight to Hell?

GAIL: That's right, my son. I wouldn't want you to burn in Hell for all eternity.

FLYNN: Hell isn't real. It's just a fake thing adults made up to frighten people into being obedient.

GAIL: No, Hell is real. It's as real as the Devil.

FLYNN: I don't believe in that. The Devil is fake, too.

Gail grabbed Flynn's book, and hid it under her very large dress in a way that didn't even show her covered ankles.

FLYNN: Ma, I was reading that.

GAIL: No reading at the breakfast table, which is also the lunch, and dinner table.

FLYNN: Why do you always put things up your dress? What else are you hiding in there?

GAIL: A Bible. Would you like to read it?

FLYNN: I thought I wasn't allowed to read at the breakfast-lunch-dinner table.

GAIL: Anything that helps you avoid Hell is fine by me.

FLYNN: I'll eat my breakfast.

GAIL: Thank you.

At that moment, Finnegan O'Grady appeared. He looked like an older version of his son. He sat down, and was given his breakfast. He began eating without saying anything. Flynn stared at him. He noticed.

FINNEGAN: Son, why are you staring at me?

FLYNN: Why do you hate me?

FINNEGAN: What? Are you mad? I don't hate you.

FLYNN: I want to go to school. I don't want to work on a farm. Why are you making me work on a farm?

FINNEGAN: Son, let me tell you something about school. School is a waste of time, and money. School is designed to make obedient, little pawns. But farming! You learn a lot more on a farm, and you learn to think for yourself! Also, if you can't grow food, how are you going to survive? Where is your food going to come from?

FLYNN: Erm, don't you sell your vegetables?

FINNEGAN: What are you saying?

FLYNN: Those people that buy your vegetables don't have to know how to farm. But they survive, don't they?

FINNEGAN: I'm gettin' real sick of this talk. You should have more respect for your father. I gave birth to you!

Gail O'Grady stared at Finnegan.

FINNEGAN: Okay, I didn't give birth to you, but I did trick your mother into marrying me.

FLYNN: You tricked her?

FINNEGAN: It's the only way to getting married. If I were totally honest, she'd have dumped me after hearing that I was the one who ate her whole apple pie, and not the raccoon which I blamed.

GAIL: I knew it!

FINNEGAN: Ah, but you still married me. See, son, this is true love.

GAIL: I put my blood, and sweat into that pie. I saved all my money to buy the best apples they had. To say I'm infuriated would be an understatement.

FINNEGAN: True love, son. Now, I want you to go outside, and clean up the chicken coop.

FLYNN: Do I have to?

FINNEGAN: No, but if you want to continue living you'll do as a I say.

GAIL: Are you threatening our son?

FINNEGAN: No, the chickens provide us with a good source of food. If they get sick, and die, we may go hungry. I wouldn't wish that upon our family.

FLYNN: I don't like chickens.

FINNEGAN: What's all this about not liking chickens? Who doesn't like chickens?

FLYNN: They scare me.

FINNEGAN: Why?

FLYNN: They're little dinosaurs.

FINNEGAN: What? Little dinosaurs? They look nothing like lizards.

FLYNN: No, dinosaurs are not related to lizards. They're related to birds.

FINNEGAN: Son, I've had enough of this anti-chicken talk. Stand up, we're going outside. I'm going to teach you some manners!

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JUST OUTSIDE THE O'GRADY FARMHOUSE

Finnegan, and Flynn stepped outside the farmhouse. Finnegan stared down at him, and pointed his finger.

FINNEGAN: Now, son, when you go to dinner at a fancy restaurant it is considered rude to put your elbows tables on the table.

FLYNN: Why's that?

FINNEGAN: If an extremely fat person put his weight on the table, it would break the table. But since we live in a society, we tell everyone to keep their elbows off the table to avoid insulting the fatties. Nothing wrong with being fat though. Being fat is good nine times out of ten. All the fatties survived the Great Famine, including your great-grandfather. He was fat as they came. When he walked into a room, people would pray to Jesus for help, or tell fat jokes. It was mostly fat jokes.

FLYNN: Tell me one of these fat jokes, please.

FINNEGAN: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Flynn shrugged.

FINNEGAN: To escape the fat man trying to eat him. In this case it's your great-grandfather.

FLYNN: That's not very funny.

FINNEGAN: It was a different time back then. Jokes were scarce due to the very religious nature of early Ireland. They'd take what they could get.

FLYNN: You're making that up, aren't you?

FINNEGAN: Yes, and now it's time for your to clean. I want you to get all the poop out of the chicken coop.

FLYNN: Aw, do I have to?

FINNEGAN: If you don't do it baby Jesus will cry.

FLYNN: That sounds like something ma would say.

FINNEGAN: She's been rubbin' off on me.

FLYNN: Is that good?

FINNEGAN: If you don't want to burn in Hell, yes, I suppose.

FLYNN: Great.

FINNEGAN: Now, get your little bottom to the chicken coop, young man. I want that place to be so spotless that I could eat off the floor.

FLYNN: How many times have you done that?

FINNEGAN: Once or twice.

FLYNN: Why would you do that?

FINNEGAN: Well, your mother said the floor was so clean I could eat off it, and I decided to see if that was true. Got real sick after. I lost my lunch. Made for a good fertilizer though.

FLYNN:  Alright, I'm off to the chicken coop.

FINNEGAN: Take your time. Those little dinosaurs can be dangerous!

Finnegan patted his son on his head, and Flynn carried a broom to the ol' chicken coop.

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CHICKEN COOP

Flynn entered the chicken coop. The chickens were immediately startled, and they started jumping, and flapping their wings, and making noise. Not the usual behavior of these chickens.

FLYNN: Oh, boy. Settle down, girls. It's just me. I'm not here to eat you—today.

Flynn scratched his head.

FLYNN: Wonder what's gotten into them? Maybe living inside a small space for extended periods of time isn't good for the mind.

Flynn began sweeping all the crud on the floor to one side. After only a minute, he sighed.

FLYNN: Ah, I hate cleaning up. This is almost as boring as church... Almost. But ma always tells me church is good for the soul. Is it? Is it, ma?! That weird, old lady down the road goes to church all the time, and she punched a sheep in the head. Not sure if the sheep was innocent because she did say it was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I don't think it was.

As Flynn got on with his sweeping, he made his way to the darkest, corner of the chicken coop where no light fell, and there he saw two, glowing, red eyes. He jumped back in fright, and headed for the exit. But the door to leave was locked. He couldn't pull it open.

FLYNN: Oh, Lord Jesus! Lord Jesus! Help me!

A voice told Flynn to turn around, and that he wouldn't hurt him. Flynn, not knowing what to do, decided to do it. He turned around, and there in front of him was a giant, black snake with red, glowing eyes.

FLYNN: A s-s-snake? I thought Saint Paddy drove all the snakes out of Ireland.

SNAKE: It's a lie. He drove all the worms out of Ireland.

FLYNN: But I saw a worm just yesterday.

SNAKE: Oh... Um, those are pink snakes that look like worms. But they aren't worms!

FLYNN: I find that hard to believe.

The snake hissed.

SNAKE: Listen to me, boy. I am quickly losing my patience. I only need to ask you a favor.

FLYNN: No, I'm sorry, I don't have any change to give to you. I'm just a child.

SNAKE: What!? I'm not homeless.

FLYNN: Then why are you sleeping in our chicken coop? This isn't a hotel, you know.

SNAKE: Shut up, and listen to me. I want you to gather your friends, and bring them out to the middle of the forest. If you do this for me, I shall handsomely reward you.

FLYNN: Oh, and what is the reward?

SNAKE: Gold. Lots of gold. I can give you a whole pot of gold.

FLYNN: What? A pot of gold? Do I look like a leprechaun?

SNAKE: Yes.

FLYNN: Well, I don't need your pot of gold, Mister Snake.

SNAKE: Fine, then I can give you what most men desire most in life.

FLYNN: And what is that?

SNAKE: Women. Beautiful women. I can give you a potion that will make you absolutely irresistible to the opposite sex.

FLYNN: Ah, no thanks. My ma's still alive, and I think that's enough. Why be greedy? I don't need more than one mother. Maybe if she kicks the bucket, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

The snake thought to himself.

SNAKE: Hmm, I think I know what you want. You're a well educated boy, aren't you, despite not being in school?

FLYNN: I like to read very much, yes.

SNAKE: Then you will appreciate this item I obtained from the future.

FLYNN: The future?

There was a bluish glow at the end of the snake's tail, and in his grasp was a silver, rectangular device with buttons, and a screen. He gave the Nintendo Game Boy Light, which was on, to Flynn. Flynn's curiosity made him immediately inspect it.

FLYNN: What is this? Super Mario Land? Who is this Super Mario?

SNAKE: Press the start button.

Flynn pressed the start button, and began the video game.

FLYNN: Wow! There's music, and a little man on the glowing window.

SNAKE: It's not a window. It's a screen. Press the cross-shaped pad, and the circular buttons to move.

Flynn did as instructed, and started playing Super Mario Land.

FLYNN: Hoo-hoo! Look at him go! He's running, and jumping, and everything!

SNAKE: Amazing, isn't it? I got it from the future.

FLYNN: Impossible.

SNAKE: It's not impossible. I have power like you could never imagine.

FLYNN: Oh, but I can imagine pretty good.

SNAKE: You are a frustrating, little boy.

FLYNN: Hmm, you, and my da' seem to think alike. Have you met him?

SNAKE: Just bring your friends to the forest, and you can have that Game Boy.

FLYNN: This is called a Game Boy?

SNAKE: Yes.

Flynn looked at Game Boy logo, which was near the bottom left of the glowing screen.

FLYNN: So, it is! Game Boy Light!

SNAKE: It's yours, if you help me out.

FLYNN: I can't.

SNAKE: Why not?

FLYNN: My da told me not to take gifts from strangers.

SNAKE: A boy of your age obedient to his father? I don't believe it.

FLYNN: Well, I think that he's been on this Earth much longer than me, so I'm sure he knows what's going on.

SNAKE: But I'm no stranger. How long have we been talking for? I'm your friend... Aren't I? I let you play with my Game Boy. Look at us, the best of chums!

FLYNN: Nah, I'd never be friends with a big, black snake.

SNAKE: Are you a racist?

FLYNN: Eh, no. I don't like racing much. It's rather two-dimensional as a sport. They just go forward, and sometimes turn. I need more than that to enjoy myself.

SNAKE: Ugh, never mind.

Flynn returned the Game Boy to the snake.

FLYNN: Here, I don't want it. I'd rather run, and jump in real life. It's healthier, and more fun.

SNAKE: What do you know about fun?

FLYNN: The best type of fun is approved of by God, and won't send your soul straight to Hell. My ma's words, you know.

SNAKE: Good news, you won't go to Hell by helping me! Because I only want to have a chat with some of your friends.

FLYNN: I don't have any friends. My granda says it's because I'm precocious. What the bloody Hell does the word 'precocious' mean?

SNAKE: Liar, bring me your friends. And bring me the stupidest friends that you have.

FLYNN: Why'd you want me to bring you my stupidest friends?

SNAKE: I don't like smart people. They just get in the way.

FLYNN: Of what?

SNAKE: Don't ask. Don't tell.

FLYNN: Huh?

SNAKE: Just bring me your stupid friends to the middle of the forest. Obviously, that's where I'll be.

FLYNN: Are you going to eat them?

SNAKE: I only eat small, cute, innocent animals. Children, they are disgusting.

FLYNN: So, you want me to bring you a few of my stupid friends to the middle of the forest?

SNAKE: What don't you understand about this?

FLYNN: Nah, why can't I bring you my smart friends? I like the stupid ones, they're a lot more fun to hang out with.

SNAKE: I don't like smart people, I told you. I don't want to speak to anyone with an IQ over 99, okay? No, no, no! No smart people. A smart person has always got a smart-mouth. Nobody likes a smart-mouth.

FLYNN: Nobody likes a stupid-mouth either.

SNAKE: Hmm, so you're one of them?

FLYNN: One of them what?

The snake hissed.

SNAKE: Listen to me, you freckle-faced, country boy—I am about to lose it!

FLYNN: Lose what?

SNAKE: My temper!

FLYNN: Oh, well, I think you should keep it.

SNAKE: You son of a...

The snake became so infuriated that it rose up, even higher than before, and all of a sudden lunged towards one of the chickens, swallowing it whole in a single gulp.

FLYNN: Agh! You ate Margaret!

SNAKE: You're next if you don't start cooperating!

FLYNN: I don't take kindly to anyone killing my chickens.

The snake hissed in anger, and then opened its mouth as wide as possible, showing its fangs. At that moment, Flynn decided it was time to run, and run he did. He left his broom behind, and went back to the coop door.

Still, it wouldn't open with any amount of pulling or pushing, so he banged on it with his fists, and cried for help.

FLYNN: Help! Help! Someone open this bloody door!

The chickens began frantically squawking, and flapping their wings, feeling the fright in the air.

SNAKE: Nobody's coming, Flynn. You're all alone with me, and these delicious, non-fried chickens.

FLYNN: Jesus! Lord Jesus! Oh, Sweet, Lord Jesus! Help me!

The snake laughed, and then the door to the chicken coop opened. Finnegan stood in front of Flynn, looking confused.

FINNEGAN: Flynn, what's the matter? Did you finish cleaning the chicken coop?

Flynn glanced behind, and saw the snake was gone.

FLYNN: There was a...

FINNEGAN: A what?

FLYNN: Forget it.

Flynn sighed.

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O'GRADY FARMHOUSE, UPSTAIRS

When the night came, Flynn's eyes were wide open. The night was extra cold, and extra dark. Rain fell from the skies as well as lightning, and thunder. He was in his bed, covering his head, shivering from fright. He couldn't get the images of the snake out of his head. (Yes, his eyes were wide open while his blanket was covering his head. It's not weird, is it?)

FLYNN: Come on, Flynn. Don't be a coward. Be a man! How do you be a man? Drinking, fighting, and spitting, right? Bah, that all sounds rather stupid.

Flynn got out of bed, and left his bedroom. He quietly went into the hallway, and knocked on the door of his parents' bedroom.

FLYNN: Ma! Maaa!

The door to the master bedroom opened. Gail rubbed her bleary eyes.

GAIL: My son, do you know what hour it is?

FLYNN: I'm sorry, ma, but I need some protection.

GAIL: You're too young for that, and who do you have in your bedroom? Save yourself for marriage!

FLYNN: What? There's nobody in my bedroom. I said I need protection.

GAIL: Ah, my mistake. Understood. Knives're downstairs in the kitchen. Take any one you like.

FLYNN: No, I need divine protection. Do you have a Bible?

GAIL: Do I have a Bible? Does the pope have a big hat that's been causing him neck problems?

Flynn gave Gail a blank stare.

GAIL: The answer is yes.

FLYNN: Okay then. So, can I have a Bible?

GAIL: Yes, but to be honest with yah, I'm in short supply of Bibles. So, you'll have to promise me you'll take good care of the one I give to you.

FLYNN: Rest assured, ma, I will treat her like a baby because I always respect books.

GAIL: