Calder's Last Gasp

By Kirk Alex

Birdman of Tucson
 

Calder, reclusive by nature, gives his color tv set away (to break free of his addiction to it). In an effort to fill the void in his humble digs he decides to pick up a parrot at the local pet store. Instead of the bonding that he was receptive to and expected to take place, this bird-lover's life is turned into a certified nightmare.

Following a month's worth of assaults by this evil freaking "lovebird," he takes it back to the shop. But then inexplicably risks life and limb to recover it.

 

Will he or won't he? And should he get it back, will the protagonist find himself emitting his last gasp as a result? No matter which way it goes, the heartbreaking denouement is one you'll soon not forget.

 

For readers who appreciate Jean Rhys, Lucia Berlin, Horace McCoy, Nathanael West, Charles Bukowski, et al., and prefer their reading material raw and gritty.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tucumcari Press
• Release date: Jun 2, 2023
• ISBN: 9780939122707

Kirk Alex

Instead of boring you with a bunch of dull background info, how about if I mention a few films/singers/musicians and books/authors I have enjoyed over the years.Am an Elvis Presley fan from way back. Always liked James Brown, Motown, Carmen McRae, Eva Cassidy, Meat Loaf, Booker T. & the MGs, CCR. Doors are also a favorite.Some novels that rate high on my list: A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole; Hunger by Knut Hamsun; Street Players by Donald Goines (a street noir masterpiece, a work of art, & other novels by the late awesome Goines); If He Hollers Let Him Go by the incredible Chester Himes. (Note: Himes at his best was as good as Hemingway at his best. But of course, due to racism in the great US of A, he was given short-shrift. Had to move to France to be treated with respect. Kind of sad.Am white by the way, but injustice is injustice & I feel a need to point it out. There were so many geniuses of color who were mistreated and taken advantage of. Breaks your effing heart. I have done what I have been able to support talent (no matter what the artists skin color was/is) over the years by purchasing records & books by talented folks, be they white/black/Hispanic/Asian, whatever. Like I said: Talent is talent, is the way I have always felt. The arts (in all their forms) keep us as humans civilized, hopefully). Anyway, I need to get off the soap box.Most of the novels by Mark SaFranko (like Lounge Lizard and Hating Olivia; his God Bless America is one of the best memoirs I have ever read, up there with Ham on Rye by Buk);The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway; A Farewell to Arms also by Ernie; Mooch by Dan Fante (& other novels of his); Post Office by Charles Bukowski; The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath; the great plays of Eugene O., like Iceman Cometh, Long Days––this system has a problem with the apostrophe, so will leave it out––Journey Into Night, Touch of the Poet; Journey to the End of the Night by Ferdinand Celine (not to be confused by the Eugene O. play); Postman Only Rings Twice by James M. Cain; the factory crime novels of Derek Raymond (superior to the overrated Raymond Chandler & his tiresome similes & metaphors any day of the week; Jack Ketchum; Edgar Allan Poe; The Reader by Bernhard Schlink; Nobody/s Angel by Jack Clark; The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester, et al.Filmmakers: Akira Kurosawa (Ihiru; Yojimbo); John Ford (almost anything by him); horror flicks: Maniac by William Lustig and Joe Spinnell; original Night of the Living Dead; original Texas Chainsaw Massacre; original When a Stranger Calls; The 400 Blows by Francois T.; the thrillers of Claude Chabrol; A Man Escaped by Bresson; the Japanese Zatoichi films;Tokyo Story by Ozu . . . and many other books, films and jazz musicians like the amazing tenor sax player Gene Ammons; Sonny Rollins, Chet Baker, Jack Sheldon, Stan Getz, Paul Desmond; singers like the incomparable Sarah Vaughan, Shirley Horn, Dion Warwick; Al Green, Elmore James, Lightnin Hopkins . . . to give you some idea.However, these days though, tv does not exist at all for me, nor do I care for most movies, in that I would much rather pick up a well-written book. I get more of a kick from reading than I do watching some actor pretend to be something he is not.Having said that, I confess that as a young man I did my share of wasting time watching the idiot box and spent my share of money going to the flicks. But those days are long gone, in that there is no interest in movies (be they cranked out by the Hollywood machine, or elsewhere).Final conclusion when it comes to celluloid? Movies are nothing more than a big waste of time (no matter who makes them). Reading feeds the brain, while movies puts the brain to sleep. There it is.

Book preview

Birdman of Tucson

Too often (professionally-written) back cover blurbs are annoyingly deceptive. The peeps who are paid to compose these bait & switch gems (that’s exactly what they are), have no qualms about offending the potential reader’s intelligence (so long as said blurb sells books). You won’t find that here. Boiled down, this is what the tale entails.

Calder, a middle-aged man living by himself, gives his new tv set away (to break free of his addiction to it). In an effort to fill the void in his humble digs he decides to pick up a parrot at the local pet store. Instead of the bonding that he was receptive to and expected to take place, his life is turned into a certified nightmare.

Following a month’s worth of assaults by this evil freaking lovebird, he takes it back to the shop. But then inexplicably risks life and limb to recover it.

Will he or won’t he? And should he get it back, will the protagonist find himself emitting his last gasp as a result? The heartbreaking denouement awaits between the covers.

There it is. Short, sweet, to the point. It will pique your interest, or it won’t. Your call, dear reader. K.A.

A Few Positive Responses From Some Awesome Critics!

Praise For:

nonentity

You can digest this book in two hours — it will stay with you forever.

—Steve Rosen, Curled Up With A Good Book

Angry, funny, and sometimes provocative and quirky.

—NetGalley

Praise for:

Hard Noir Holiday

Edgar Doc Holiday Thriller #4

Living up to its title, this hard-edged P.I. epic dives into desert darkness and action.

—Publishers Weekly/BookLife

This is a terribly violent, disgusting, vile read. I am not into long books. I lose interest easily. But this one is well written and kept my attention all throughout. My husband is glad it is over. I couldn’t keep from telling him what happened next. So disgusting, so entertaining.

—BookBub

Murder, mayhem, organ theft,

illegal dog fights and more …

"Hard Noir Holiday by Kirk Alex is the 4th installment of the Edgar Doc Holiday Private Investigator Mystery series. This time Doc and his friends are in Arizona when they are faced with the murder of a family member. It takes everything in their arsenal to find out who is behind it. Not for the faint of heart."

—Denim*n*Diamonds

Praise for:

Love is the Coldest Whore of All

Selected Free Verse for Peeps Like Me

(Who Hate Poetry)

1976 — 1996

Reading Kirk Alex is like listening to your best friend, your oldest friend, confide in you after you haven’t seen him in a long, long time. It’s that honest; it’s that intimate. And from the Nam to Sunset Boulevard, he knows a lot about the world and life. All you have to do is sit back and take it all in.

—Mark SaFranko, author: Nowhere Near Hollywood

Praise for:

Throwback & Backlash

(Two-Part Love, Lust & Murder Series)

… if you want a raw, dark in-your-face good read … go for it.

—Hidden Gems Book Review

Praise for:

Lustmord: Anatomy of a Serial Butcher

Great book. Dark—yes. Grotesque—certainly. Sexually explicit—without a doubt. And the writing is excellent. Character & dialogue, is as real as it gets. A terrifying, non-putdownable horror.

—Jeff Bennington, Kindle Book Review

Praise for:

Zook

"Zook was a zoo ride! All of the characters were well written and you find yourself unable to put the book down! You might even find it a little sad. ***** out of 5 stars."

—NetGalley

Praise for:

Ziggy Popper at Large:

14 Tales of General Degeneracy, of Mayhem &

Debauchery – for the Morally Conflicted

& Borderline Criminal

Gruesome, violent, awesome! I absolutely LOOOVEEE Kirk Alex. I am always ready for his next book!! Extremely entertaining. A whole lot of violent, and just what I was looking for. Private detective Felix Choo-Choo Buschitsky and Ziggy Popper are now my two favorite characters. ***** out of 5 stars.

—NetGalley

Praise for:

BLOOD, SWEAT and CHUMP CHANGE —

Taxi Tales & Vignettes

"After reading BLOOD, SWEAT AND CHUMP CHANGE— Taxi Tales & Vignettes by Kirk Alex you understand why the American Dream needs liposuction. It’s all here: Hate, poetry, sadness, hope and the ache of an aloneness that never goes away. Belly up!"

—Dan Fante, author of Point Doom

This is another well done, honest and heartfelt piece of writing from Kirk Alex. It’s short, easy to read, and well worth the reader’s time.

—Paul Lappen, DEAD TREES REVIEW

by Kirk Alex

Crime Fiction:

Throwback: Love, Lust & Murder – Book One

Backlash: Love, Lust & Murder – Book Two

Ziggy Popper at Large – 14 Tales of General Degeneracy, of Mayhem & Debauchery – for the Morally Conflicted & Borderline Criminal

Horror:

Lustmord: Anatomy of a Serial Butcher

Chance Cash Register Working Stiff Series:

Paycheck to Paycheck — #1

Loopy Soupy’s Motley Crew — #2

Journey to the End of the Week — #3

A Confederacy of Mooks — #4

nonentity — #5

You’re Gonna Have Trouble — #6

False Eyelashes & Tight Jeans Got Me

Shit-Canned at the Bean Cannery #7

Confessions of a Time-Clock Puncher #8

Whacky Tales:

Zook

Troubled Diva with a Tote Bag — 8 Stories

Last Tango in the Old Pueblo & Pushin’ da Pushbroom — 2 Long-Shorts

Calder’s Last Gasp

L.A. Taxicab Exploits:

Working the Hard Side of the Street – Selected Stories/Poems/Screams

Blood, Sweat & Chump Change – L.A. Taxi Tales & Vignettes

Big Ben Butkiewitz is in Deep Doo-Doo

Eddie Doc Holiday Contemporary Mystery Series:

Hush-Hush Holiday #1

Hubba-Hubba Holiday #2

Hollow-Point Holiday #3

Hard Noir Holiday #4

Hammer-Slammer Holiday #5

Cold Gun, Holiday #6

Time is Tight, Holiday #7

Free Verse:

Ballad of the Red Bag Man

Love is the Coldest Whore of All

Overlapping Contradictions

Other:

Baby, Love Me Forever

CALDER’S LAST GASP

A Novel

BY KIRK ALEX

Tucumcari Press

Image1

Tucson – 2023

Copyright © 2012, 2017, 2023 Calder’s Last Gasp by Kirk Alex

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this novel, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this material via Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized editions, and do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials. For information address Tucumcari Press, PO Box 40998, Tucson, Arizona 85717-0998

Calder’s Last Gasp is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental.

ISBN: 978-0-939122-69-1 (6x9 pbk)

ISBN: 978-0-939122-70-7 (ePUB)

Every day you amass knowledge in a frantic race against death that death must win. You want to find out everything in the time you have; yet in the end you wonder why you bothered, it’ll all be lost. I keep trying to explain this to anyone who will listen.

—Derek Raymond, I Was Dora Suarez

The greatest crime writer ever. Everyone else is a wannabe. That goes for the creator of the Phillip Marlowe PI series and his tiresome similes and metaphors. The late U.K. genius author Derek Raymond (aka Robin Arthur Cook) keeps it lean, mean. No frills and no BS. The above thriller will knock the wind out of you like it did me—should you have the balls to read it.

—K.A.

Doors

a door

can be

a window

of opportunity

unless

said window

happens to be

5 stories

above ground

inviting you

to spread

your wings

& soar.

K.A.

Book I

Chapter 1

Withdrawal, in Calder’s case, had nothing remotely to do with drugs, booze, cigarettes—or even love. No, it was far worse. He was quitting tv. Again. Cold turkey. All those other withdrawals were child’s play compared to attempting to go on without the idiot box. Didn’t matter how often he’d suffered through the process in the past, either. Never mind that he spent the greater part of his life loathing tv; better yet, hating the effing thing. Still, there was no denying the void. Something was missing, and something else ought to be replaced with whatever that something was.

He’d given a practically brand new, 24-inch color set away—because he wanted to return to reading. He read, but not enough. Not like he used to. Do something for the intellect, as opposed to dummy it down, which is what the boob tube was quite good at; about the only thing it excelled at, actually: turning the brain to mush. Just as most flicks did. Waste of that most precious commodity of all: time. Especially now that he was no longer young. Besides, reading relaxed him, helped to keep him sane and civilized. Had saved his life on so many occasions. Got him through the worst of it. The great scribes: Céline, Nelson Algren, Knut Hamsun, Jean Rhys, Lucia Berlin, Tove Ditlevsen, Odie Hawkins, Chester Himes, George V. Higgins, Donald Goines, Nathanael West, Poe, et al. There for him, when most everything else failed. Reading, running, riding his bicycle is what he enjoyed. Although running was getting to be a bit tough to engage in these days.

And the tv was out. Gone. Out of his life. For good. This time. And so, in trying to adjust to the silence in his modest one-bedroom cribby, he thought he’d buy a bird.

Calder had always liked birds, any kind: large, small. Would’ve been nice if he could’ve afforded a cockatoo, something along those lines, only his station in life, money he earned as a warehouse shipping clerk, dictated that he go for something within his means. He had a chow mix in the small front yard in this duplex that he lived in, but the dog was an outdoor dog and he had been meaning to get a bird for a while now.

Timing was right this time, for a chirping birdie in place of the