Peaceful Breeze

By Mark Carrington

Caring for someone you love who is suffering from a terminal illness can be one of the greatest honours in life. Helping a loved one to die with peace, grace and dignity is their human right and a privilege for their carer to enable. It can be a truly transformative experience.

In Peaceful Breeze Mark Carrington shares his searingly honest account of nursing his much-loved mother after she was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2014.

As his mum's son, carer and advocate, Mark felt alone and under tremendous pressure to look after her the best he could; at the time, he wished that there was a practical guide to support him as he was supporting his mum.

Peaceful Breeze is Mark's profound journey through terminal illness; from his mum's initial diagnoses, through her valiant fight, to her ultimate passing. He charts the emotional turmoil - from complete despair to moments of joy with his mum that will live on forever - the stress, the difficult decisions he had to make and finally the all-consuming grief he experienced at her loss.

Mark Carrington story is one of bravery, devotion, love and hope, one which he hopes will support and inform other carers as they nurse and cherish their own family and friends.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Clink Street Publishing
• Release date: Mar 14, 2017
• ISBN: 9781911110316

Mark Carrington

Mark Carrington nursed his mother after she was diagnosed with cancer. This is his first book.

Book preview

About the author

I have always been a goal-oriented person. Achieving just about anything I really set my mind to. This includes securing three master’s degrees over my life.

Then in early 2014, my entire world turned upside down. My mother was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer. She passed away in June 2015.

Through the daily challenges of caring and nursing for Mum, I discovered a wellspring of inner strength that I never knew I possessed. As a result of my personal brokenness, paradoxically, today I am a much stronger person. The quote from the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche is so true. He said That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. Not only have I discovered who I am. I now have a clearer sense of my purpose in this world.

Throughout her illness, I witnessed something truly wonderful, Mum’s humanity. Caring for Mum has profoundly changed my life. I now know what it means to be human. I am even more determined to love and cherish my family and friends. Above all, I am going to try to live the best life I can. I am now planning to study towards a Doctorate of Philosophy (PhD) in Palliative Care. I have this insatiable desire within me, as long as I live, I will learn.

In my wildest imagination I could have never envisaged writing a book on this topic. In some small way, I hope my story will help other carers who are looking after a loved one with a terminal illness.

All the events and conversations contained in the book are true.

Introduction

Witnessing Mum’s sheer vulnerability and the purity of her love as she succumbed to her cancer was a truly humbling and profound experience.

Everyone diagnosed with a terminal illness has a different story, a different experience, and a different way of approaching the end of their life.

For family members caring for those loved ones, it can be an equally traumatic time. They too have their story to tell.

This book chronicles my story, both as a son and as Mum’s carer. In particular, as strange as it may sound, it gave me the opportunity to understand myself better and more importantly, grow as an individual.

In 2014, Mum was diagnosed with advanced colorectal cancer, also known as colon, bowel, or rectal cancer.

This book records our journey and experiences as we navigated through the healthcare sector. In particular, how doctors, nurses, and healthcare professionals treated Mum at every stage throughout her illness.

Overall, Mum was treated well as a cancer patient. As she neared the end of her life, however, the coordination, delivery and quality of the palliative care, was on occasions, sub-standard. Often, the lack of compassion and tenderness she received was woeful.

The harsh reality is that if you are frail, elderly, vulnerable, and seriously ill, you simply do not have the strength to complain or stand up against how you are being treated by the healthcare professionals. If it had not been for me standing beside her as her advocate throughout her illness, Mum would have suffered in silence, like many thousands of elderly people.

As Mum was a gentle woman, she did not want any fuss to be made over her. She did not wish to place a burden on anyone dealing with her illness, whether it be the doctors, nurses, or the care team looking after her. She repeatedly apologised to them for actually being ill. As you read through this book, you will see the emotional rollercoaster ride I went through and the tensions I had to face while constantly fighting on Mum’s behalf to ensure she was given the best medical treatment and care possible.

In my opinion, at any point during Mum’s diagnosis, she could have so easily fallen through the gaps in the healthcare system. She could have so easily died a premature, terrible, and tragic death. As it happened, she passed away with dignity in a hospice.

I hope this book serves as more than just a grief memoir, and instead encourages a wider debate about our society’s view of caring for our loved ones when they are reaching the end of their life.

The need for both social and end-of-life care is going to rise exponentially. The biggest challenge for our society is how we look after the elderly in the context of fiscal and budgetary restraints within the National Health Service (NHS) against the backdrop of finite resources.

The facts are shocking. For example, you might be startled to know that:

The population over 75 is projected to double in the next 30 years.

There are over a million carers over 65, an increase of a quarter in the last ten years.

Two-thirds of hospital patients are now over 65.

While we have a strong hospice movement, just over five percent of us will pass away in a hospice with world-class care. The reality is that the majority of us will pass away in a hospital.

The core principles of the NHS are focused on early detection, treatment, and survivorship of our illnesses. I strongly believe that palliative and end-of-life care must be included as a further core principle. Without it, many of us will continue to die without dignity.

With the advances in medicine and the longevity of life, the ethical choices of end-of-life care are not so simple.

The right to die discussion is not what this book is about. There are plenty of books that cover this subject area. The law in the UK as it stands is clear: assisting someone to die is illegal. The rights of the person to determine and exercise how and when they wish to die, and the counter-argument that such a decision essentially undermines religious, philosophical, and ethical principles, will continue to be debated by society for decades to come.

Who this book is for

I believe there is something very precious and life-transforming about caring for a loved one.

So, before I outline who this book is for, I need to tell you who this book isn’t for.

When you care for a loved one, you do things not out of a sense of duty, but out of pure selfless love.

If you are caring for someone you do not love or have no empathy for, then this book is probably not for you. You will not understand the heartache and, at times, the sheer indescribable joy of caring for a loved one.

No one who hasn’t been the primary carer of someone with a chronic or terminal illness for an extended period can begin to imagine what it is like. You can read book after book about caring for a loved one. But it is only when it happens to you that you truly understand the impact it has on your life.

For me, caring for Mum was like second nature, as natural as breathing.

It was that unconditional love that sustained me through the difficult and unexpected journey we faced.

I trust that this book, somehow, gives you an idea of what it is like.

If you are caring for a loved one, I hope this book will provide comfort and reassurance that you are not alone. Millions of other people, including myself, have trodden this path before you.

Why I wrote this book

I have thought long and hard about writing about my experience of caring for Mum. It has been an incredibly hard decision to make. But in the end, I boiled it down to four reasons.

First, to honour my Mum, her memory, and her humanity.

Second, I hope this book will help other carers going through the same experience.

After reading this book, you will see how, as a carer, I navigated through the depths of unmanageable emotional pain as I accompanied Mum to the end of her life. I believe you cannot go through an experience of caring for a loved one with a terminal illness and remain unchanged as a person.

If even just one person going through the heartache of caring for a loved one with a terminal illness reads this book and it helps them, then that’s enough for me; I’ll have done my job.

And thirdly, through deep emotional writing I have been able to gain perspective over my loss, and to gain power over my grief.

Finally, I believe we should protect the vulnerable and preserve their dignity not only while they are living, but also as they reach the end of their life.

In this respect, the book is dedicated to the many thousands of carers who selflessly look after their terminally ill loved ones.

Key lessons

There are four key lessons that I have learnt caring for Mum, which I hope you can take away from reading this book.

First, I just simply kept on digging deeper into my emotional reserves. And when I thought I had reached the bottom, I managed, as a carer, to somehow dig deeper. And day after day, I continually dug deeper.

Believe me when I say you are emotionally stronger and more resilient than you think. You just need to know how to tap into your hidden strengths to pull you through. For me, it was my faith and the power of prayer.

I hope you will see, as you read about my personal journey as a carer, how I managed to draw on my emotional reserves.

The second key lesson is one of forgiveness. By which I mean forgiveness not only of others, but more importantly of myself. Let me explain. There were times when I was caring for Mum, I would become angry, frustrated, and annoyed. I might have said things to her in the wrong tone or in a raised voice. I now regret that. I have regrets for things I should have done differently or not done at all when caring for her.

I wish I could take back my anger and not have raised my voice or been consumed