The Sister

By Lenny Smith

My name is Ella; I'm the other Berkeley girl.

I say this to be ironic, as my sister, Karla, claimed her space in the spotlight whether she welcomed it or not, and I simply accepted that my place was in her shadow.

She was beautiful, talented, and adored by everyone. She was everything I felt I was not.

It wasn't until completin

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lenny Smith
• Release date: May 5, 2023
• ISBN: 9781915889874

Book preview

Prologue

These are the things I have learnt in life; I have learnt that there will always be choices and the right choice is often the hardest one to make and that sacrifices will often be made. I’ve learnt that it is up to you to decide how to live with the consequences and how you will let it define you.

I’ve learnt that if something gets broken you might be able to fix it temporarily, but it will only be a matter of time before it breaks again. I’ve learnt that just because something is broken does not mean that it is any less precious.

I have learnt that time is limited. You may never have time to tie up all the loose ends or to say everything you need to say, to do everything you want to do. You will always think that there will be a chance to give an apology or to accept one. You will think that there will be another chance to tell someone that you love them, but what if there isn't? 

Never take for granted that there will be a tomorrow, or even that there will be a rest of today.

I’ve learnt that when you go, it will be down to someone else to clear up the mess and fill in the gaps of your story left untold. I guess in this instance that someone is me!

My name is Ella; I’m the other Berkeley girl. I say this just to be ironic, likening myself to the lesser-known sister of Anne Boleyn. Everyone knows of Anne, but few know the story of Mary. 

I’m not actually comparing myself to ancestral royalty, I’m merely stating that my sister claimed her space in the spotlight regardless of whether she welcomed it or not, and I simply accepted that my place was in her shadow. It wasn’t until completing her story that I realised that I was more than the supporting role in her story, I had a story to tell too.

Chapter 1

Are you going out again? I asked Karla, as I watched her ruffle her honey blonde curls into place and apply a layer of lipstick.

She was out most nights lately.

    It is just a house party; you can join me if you want to?

I shook my head and opted out as I wasn’t entirely sure if the invitation was genuine or said out of politeness, and I didn’t want to be in her way. She shrugged at my decline, clearly not bothered either way.

How do I look? she asked, turning to face me with a smile on her face.

You look gorgeous, I assured her. She always looked gorgeous with very minimal effort; it was annoying.

Are you sure you won't come. It will be fun! 

I hesitated, and she smiled at me again. She was being genuine. 

Get yourself ready and meet me downstairs in ten minutes, she said, her smile broadening, how could I resist?

There was no point explaining to her that I could not be ready in ten minutes if I was to look anything close to acceptable, we were not all born with her natural beauty. I still wasn’t sure that I really wanted to go to the party, but I could tell she was not going to take no for an answer now that she had extended the invitation to me. So, I wriggled into my favourite jeans, buttoned up a blouse, then applied some mascara and her lipstick to my face in the same carefree way that she had just done, hoping for the same results. The lipstick colour did not suit me, and the mascara looked a little clumpy on my lashes, but I did not have the time to fix it. I doubted anyone would take much notice of me anyway!

You look beautiful, Karla told me. That's sisterly loyalty for you. 

I smiled uncertainly as she came a bit closer.

But this does not need to be buttoned up to your chin, she grinned as she reached towards me, unhooking the top two buttons of my blouse to expose a bit of my newly developing cleavage. 

Ready?

I nodded and followed her out to the waiting taxi, sneakily fastening one of the buttons back up.

Music was pumping loudly from the house when we arrived, and people were already spilling out onto the lawn. I suspected that Karla had already enjoyed a pre-party drink whilst I had been getting ready, because she confidently strutted through the crowd with me in tow instead of hiding behind me nervously like she usually would if she were not under the influence of alcohol. 

Karla, someone shouted out as soon as we were in the house. She was gathered into their arms and lifted off the floor as they embraced her. What are you drinking?

Anything, she laughed as she was put down. She then turned to offer me her hand so that I was not left behind as she followed her friend to the kitchen.

Who's your friend? he asked her, giving a cursory smile in my direction.

This is my baby sister, Ella, she replied with a big smile, hugging me to her protectively. I did not catch his name because at that moment a group of three or four guys came into the kitchen laughing loudly over something. One of them knocked a drink over as he shoved his mate away from him playfully. I immediately reached for a cloth and started to clean it up. When I turned around Karla and her friend were gone.

Did you see where my sister went? I asked one of the guys. Who's your sister?

Karla! The curly blonde girl that was here a few seconds ago?

She's your sister? Really?

I nodded. I was used to this reaction as we were not very alike; she was fair, and I was dark. She was beautiful and I was, well I was just me. Our eyes were the same though, or so people often said! We had our mother’s eyes.

So, do you know where she went? I asked again.

He leaned in close to me so that I could smell his beery breath.

Yeah, she went upstairs with Jason for a private party, he said with a smirk and his mates sniggered childishly. We can have one too if you like? He brushed his knuckles across my cheek bones, but I shoved his hand away.

Are you sure you're her sister? he laughed spitefully at me.

I threw the damp tea towel down and stormed out of the kitchen. I scanned the other rooms trying to see her, but I guess they were right, she had gone upstairs with her friend. I wasn’t going to check, I just sat at the bottom of the stairs and waited for her to come back down, not caring that I was in the way of those going up or coming down from the bathroom.

Hey El, a familiar voice greeted. I looked up to see Karla's boyfriend Gary smiling down at me.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm just waiting for Karla, she went up to use the bathroom, I lied.

Okay! You want to come to the kitchen with me to get a drink. She'll find us.

I nodded and accepted his hand as he pulled me up off the step. 

Karla appeared a while later with messed up hair and her lipstick freshly reapplied. She had clearly taken something; She was all over the place and her eyes were unfocused.

Hey, she greeted Gary cheerfully, throwing her arms around him exuberantly and kissing him on the cheek.

Was there a queue for the toilet? he asked her, and she nodded with a vague smile. For a split second I hated her. How could she lie so easily to his face? He knew she was lying too; it was obvious what she had really been doing. Gary looked devastated. 

We both watched her as she poured a large amount of vodka into a plastic cup and knocked it back in one gulp.

Let's dance, she suggested, trying to pull us both to the living room.

I did not want to dance; I did not want to be at that party at all, bearing witness to her cheating on her boyfriend who was a real sweetheart. She did not deserve him! Regardless, we both followed her into the other room where everyone gravitated towards her as though she was some sort of goddess, not understanding how much drugs and/or alcohol it took for her to become this exuberant social butterfly. In the sober light of day, she was not like that at all. In fact, she was the total opposite!

Reserved, introverted, anxious.

I'm going home, I told her.

Now?

No, next week, I replied sarcastically. She did her best to look disappointed, but she was too high to genuinely care.

Do you want me to see that she gets back okay? Gary asked my sister. I would have preferred that he made sure that she got back okay instead, and I insisted that I could take a taxi by myself.

Go with her, Karla said, thanking him and telling him she would see him in a while. She kissed him stoically and was already dancing with someone else before we even reached the door. I have no idea how Gary could not see that her new dance partner was rubbing his hands all over her body. I felt sick.

My father was coming out of his study as I made my way down the stairs the following morning. At this exact moment, Karla stumbled through the front door with bleary eyes, wearing one shoe, carrying the other in her hand, and looking a pathetic sight.

I watched our father look her up and down, dismay flashed across his face so briefly I nearly missed it.

If she makes a mess, she clears it up. I do not pay our staff to deal with that! He told me flatly.

Oh, good morning, Ella, how are you? I am very well Father, thank you for asking. Have a wonderful day at the office, I muttered under my breath. Maybe I should come home wasted every day so that he took notice of me!

Did you say something? he asked me.

I said I will take care of her, Father.

I rubbed her back as she puked, cleaned her face, then helped her into bed, stripping off her soiled clothes and tucking the duvet tight around her. She was shivering, though her brow was burning to the touch.

I am sorry Ella, she mumbled. I am not too sure what she was apologising for. Was it for deserting me, for cheating on her boyfriend or just for generally being shit? I hushed her as I lay down beside her, wrapping my arm about her to keep her warm until she settled into sleep.

She hadn't always been so reckless. At school she had been quiet and focussed, all the teachers favourite due to her consistent top grades and hunger for knowledge. But when she left school, her best friend Lori had warned me to keep a close eye on her. There had been numerous times during their last year at school when Karla had been so drunk that Lori had to sneak her back onto the premises, praying that they wouldn't get caught because they would both be expelled.

Karla always shrugged off her behaviour as just a bit of fun, but was it really fun if your heart was pounding erratically and you were sweating and babbling incoherently? Was it really fun if you had no control over your limbs? Was it really fun if you spent the following day throwing your guts up and suffering a headache whilst having little to no memory of your actions the night before?

She emerged from her bedroom a few hours later looking amazing.

I am meeting a few friends at the pub; would you like to join us?

Was she for real? I had not long finished scrubbing her vomit from her toilet seat and she was ready to party again? I shook my head at her, trying not to look too disapproving. I wished she would have a night off. I was only home from school for the Easter break, and she had been out drinking every night. I had been hoping to spend some quality time alone with her, not observing her from the side lines of wherever she happened to be drinking. In a way I was looking forward to getting back to school where I would not have to see her daily and worry myself sick about what state she was in.

When I returned home a few months later after finishing school myself, Karla was no longer dating Gary. I have no idea if she broke up with him or vice versa. When I asked her, she just smiled vaguely at me and shrugged, asking me what difference it made! She was just so emotionally void at times it made me want to scream in frustration.

She had a new crowd of friends, and I did not like them at all. They hung out on the beach every night drinking and getting up to God knows what! Karla always invited me to join them, but I did not want to go, it wasn't my scene. However, seeing the state she returned in most nights started to scare me, so I gave in and went with her just to see that she got home safely.

I sat away from them all, reading a book until it was too dark to see, and I tried to tune out the sound of them all shrieking as they ran drunkenly into the sea, I mean how careless could you be? Karla was a strong swimmer but not in the sea whilst heavily under the influence of alcohol and drugs!

Sometimes one of them would shout over at me and try to persuade me to join them but I never did.

You couldn't be more different, could you? I heard one of them say to Karla and she just laughed in response before allowing herself to be led a little way from the rest of the group by a guy whose legs she had been sat between moments before. He had been petting her hair like he would a dog as they passed around a strange looking cigarette that was so pungent, the smell of it wafted over to me. 

I turned to watch her to make sure she did not stray too far, scared to lose sight of her in case something bad should happen. I wished I hadn't looked. I saw her drop to her knees in front of her friend and unzip his jeans. It took me a minute to realise what she was doing! It made me feel sick and tears began to well in my eyes. Why did she feel the need to degrade herself so much? She wasn't even being discreet; the rest of her crowd were cheering them on as the boy grabbed her head and began to thrust into her mouth before shouting out victoriously. I threw up in my mouth and rapidly swallowed it back down. 

I should have gone over to her and insisted that she stop but she would probably just laugh at me and tell me to stop being such a prude; or tell me that I was embarrassing her. She was embarrassing herself, when would she see that? I couldn’t wait to go home.

I begged her night after night not to go back out with them and tried to suggest other things that we could do together instead, but she would shrug me off and tell me that she was having a good time and there was nothing wrong with that. She told me I ought to chill out and should try to enjoy myself a bit. There was no point trying to explain to her that you did not have to turn into the local bike to have a good time!

I still followed her to the beach. She had long since asked me to join her, I just went anyway and waited to carry her home. A few of her friends still greeted me and politely asked if I would join them for a drink, knowing full well I would decline, but it was nice that they at least asked!

They were getting quite loud and boisterous, it was hard to focus on the book I was reading so I put it down and closed my eyes for a while, praying that Karla would be ready to leave soon because I was tired and cold.

Karla and Jack, sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G, they started to chant, laughing hysterically at themselves. I opened my eyes and turned to see where Karla was. I couldn't see her amongst the group anymore, but a few minutes later there was suddenly a lot of commotion on the beach, and someone started shouting over to me to call an ambulance. I thought they were messing about at first but then I saw someone carrying Karla in their arms like a baby and laying her body down on the sand.

Call an ambulance, they shouted again urgently. I have never run so fast in my life; my throat was burning, and my chest ached. I located a telephone box and punched in 999. I had no idea what had happened to her, and I was absolutely terrified. I gave the person on the phone directions as to where we were and told them to hurry before I raced back down to the beach where one of the girls was piling all their jackets over my sister to keep her warm. She was not shivering from the cold; she was having convulsions and her eyes were wide like she had been possessed.

What did you do to her? I demanded. Half of them seemed to be in shock as Karla continued thrashing about on the ground.

What did you give her? I swear if she dies, you will all pay for this.

One of the boys started laughing hysterically, not because it was funny but because he was high as a kite. He was led away by one of the girls before I could kill him. The girl with the jackets was crying. Half the guys had run off whilst I had been getting help, including the one called Jack who had been with her just moments ago.

Karla was rushed to A&E where her stomach was pumped. It turned out she had taken Ecstasy.

I have taken it lots of times, she confessed once they had her stabilised. It was not something she should really be bragging about in hospital. But I have never had a reaction like this before.

Please promise me you won't take it again, I begged her. I had been so scared that she was going to die. She gave me a feeble promise, so I didn’t believe her.

She appeared to keep to her word though. In fact, she was very subdued for quite some time after that incident and even bailed on going to university, saying she would defer for a year and would get a job for a while instead. I thought she was nuts if I am being honest, I mean who turns down Oxford? I could understand her reasoning about not wanting to get hooked back on the party scene etcetera, but I was worried that by staying in Dover she would fall back in with that horrible crowd of friends. My fears were unfounded, she never went back to the beach with them, I am not even sure she heard from any of them again after that night. I think it had scared them all a little. It was such a relief!

I started college that September, there was not a chance in hell that I would ever be smart enough to consider Cambridge or Oxford (Karla had been accepted at both), but I pretended that was my goal for a while. I didn't really have a goal. I hoped to get married and have children one day but was not bothered about having a career in the slightest. Feminists must hate me!

I was enjoying college, until some of the elder boys discovered that I was Karla's sister. Once word got out, they started to taunt me and say vile things about her under their breath as they walked by. I tried defending her at first, but there was no point really, everything they were saying was true even if she had been virtuous recently.

I hated going in and had to force myself every day to get up and put on a brave face. Surely, they would get bored if I ignored them for long enough. The ones that knew her or knew of her would be gone within a year, I just had to suffer it for a few more months!

You and me, lunch time Baby. Meet me in the toilets, one boy said, stopping me in the corridor and pressing me against the wall.

Stop it. Get off!

He laughed at me and told me I was frigid as I pushed him forcefully away. I had no idea what that meant but I guessed it wasn't a compliment.

How about a blowy then, or a hand job? he suggested, persistently, thrusting against again me in an exaggerated manner. His circle of friends started to howl with laughter.

Please, leave me alone, I begged tearfully.

Are you actually going to fucking cry? Grow up Ella, we're just messing with you.

Hey Aaron, cut it out, a new voice shouted.

You're probably a shit lay anyway, he said to me, stepping back and going down the hall with his mates, still laughing and mocking me.

Are you all right? asked the boy that had told Aaron to back off as he approached me.

I was trembling a little, but I nodded at him.

Are you sure?

Yes. He was just getting in my face a bit but it's nothing I can't handle; he always does it.

You know you can report him for harassment, right? He is such an arsehole!

I smiled at him appreciatively. He was cute. He had thick blonde hair and a cheeky smile. I liked him instantly.

I'm Ella, I told him.

I know, he smiled, and his cheeks flushed a little. Craig, he said, offering me his hand as he introduced himself.

I've got to get to class but would you like to meet me for lunch later? he asked, and I gave him a shy nod. I had made a few friends at college but mostly I kept myself to myself to try and avoid confrontations like the one I had just experienced. It would be nice not to lunch alone.

We had lunch. We went to the cinema together that weekend and a week later we were officially a couple. He was so adorable.

Everything was better when he was around.

After a month of holding hands, I finally let Craig kiss me. I was so nervous, I expected it to be all gross and slobbery, but it was quite nice really! He was so sweet and considerate, kissing me slowly at first and asking if that was okay before he continued. I stifled the urge to laugh when his tongue first appeared in my mouth. I tried to concentrate, replicating what he was doing, and I think I was doing it right, he didn't pull away from me or laugh in my face, so it couldn't have been all that bad!

I love kissing you, he later declared. We had been doing it for about an hour and I was feeling so giddy.

I love kissing you too, I replied, giggling a little. It was so surreal, but I loved how it made me feel. It was nice to feel special, chosen!

Ella, am I horrible? Karla asked me one evening. She was getting ready to go out with her new boyfriend, Danny.

Where had this come from? Why would she think she was horrible? She was a bit reckless and selfish, but she was not horrible!

Am I horrible to Danny? she asked more specifically when I did not answer her first question.

Why don't you ask him; I'm pretty sure he just thinks you're hot, I laughed at her, giving her a nudge with my elbow whilst winking at her, trying to act blasé about the way she was with men instead of being priggish like I normally was.

Karla blushed and smiled shyly at me. El, we have not actually reached that stage yet.

I grinned foolishly at her, making it clear that I thought she was lying. She had been dating him for two months, as if they hadn't had sex yet? She'd had sex with everybody else after knowing them for two minutes!

You don't believe me? she said with a frown in my direction.

If you say you haven't, then you haven't. Why would you lie to me about it? I told her. Maybe she was being serious. How come? I asked her curiously.

She sat on the edge of her bed and looked so vulnerable for a moment that it made me want to cry for her. Everyone saw Karla as a confident, sexual, party animal but this was the real Karla, vulnerable, guarded, full of self-doubt.

I want to do things right this time, she stated simply. I don't want to be like I was before. I want to be with someone who loves me and who I love in return.

Gary loved you, I reminded her, and I saw annoyance flickering in her icy blue eyes.

But I didn’t love him, she stated factually. "Or anyone else.

I don't know if I can!"

You don't know if you can love someone? That's absurd!

She shrugged.

Maybe, but what if it is true? What if I never fall in love? What if I am not that kind of person?

She looked so genuinely worried that this may be the case but surely everybody falls in love at some stage of their life, right?

It will happen, I tried to assure her. You are trying too hard. Just relax and let it grow naturally. Being the younger sister, I didn’t really feel qualified to give advice, especially about relationships but Karla smiled at me in a way that made me think I had said exactly the right thing.

So, have you and Craig done it yet? she asked, trying to change the subject as she stood up and began ruffling her curls with some product.

I shook my head at her. I had let him touch a boob a few days ago but that is as far as we had gone. I had definitely not touched him, though he wanted me to. Knowing that he had an erection had really grossed me out, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it. I had a flash back of Karla on the beach on her knees and I shuddered. It was an image that was hard to shake off. Why would anyone do that? Just the idea of it made me gag.

Karla came home late that Christmas eve but was surprisingly sober. I heard her come through the door and go into the drawing room where she sat at our mother’s piano. I had just made myself a mug of hot chocolate and I went into the drawing room to join her.

Would you like one? I asked her. I don't mind going to make it for you.

She shook her head at me and started to play a classical piece. I have no idea what it was or who it was by, that sort of thing was lost on me, but it was very pretty, and I watched her get lost in the music as her fingers danced across the keys. She was an exceptionally talented pianist.

Did you have a good night? I asked when she paused, and she turned to smile at me.

I had a great night, thank you.

So, where did he take you? She was useless at divulging information, it always had to be dragged from her unless she was drunk, then she generally divulged far too much. Danny had arranged a romantic evening for them, but I have no idea what that entailed.

We had dinner; it was lovely. I am tired. I will see you in the morning, she said, standing up and kissing my forehead. Not too early please El, she added before she left the room.

I watched her go then took her place on the piano stool. I placed my mug of chocolate on the floor and pressed my fingers to the keys like she had done, waiting for the magic of music to fill my body and make me play the way she had. The noise that came from the piano was nothing like what Karla had created.

I turned to the sound of laughter in the doorway and saw my brother Eddie watching me with sarcastic mirth.

Wow Ella, you are so talented. Who knew? he said critically.

Dickhead! I muttered under my breath.

I had tried to learn the piano in the past and the violin too. I had even tried the recorder in a last desperate bid to be musical, but it was a wasted effort. I could not read music. I was not good at maths. I loved to read but was rubbish at writing. I was beyond useless at science, not having one experiment at school even close to successful. I was not academic at all, unlike Karla who was one of those annoying people that excelled at everything she tried with usually very little effort. Edward was quite brainy too, but he was still a dickhead!

Eddie and I got on well together when we were little, we always played together, and our nanny tried desperately to get Karla to join in, but she never did. Karla did not know how to play and showed no interest in trying. I don't recall her ever picking up a single toy or getting involved in a game of let's pretend. So, whilst Eddie and I played at being pirates, kings and queens, or astronauts, she would sit at the piano playing what sounded like the same melancholic tune over and over until it was perfect.

Our nanny gave Eddie and I a lot of love and nurturing, but it was still Karla that she favoured; maybe because she was such a project, I don't know. She was just such a withdrawn child which made everyone around her want to love her that little bit more, with exception of our father who remained completely loveless. They all wanted to protect her, to help her, and she seemed totally oblivious to it. 

One time, I overheard our nanny discussing possible traits of Autism with our father. Obviously at the time I did not know what Autism was, but my father had dismissed the idea anyway and told her that it was her job to shake Karla out of it, saying that she was just being difficult, but I later had to wonder if our nanny was on to something! Karla was so detached, existing in her own little bubble that she could only exit under the consumption of alcohol and or other substances.

Eddie had been really close to our nanny but seeing all the extra attention that Karla received over the years by being so detached provoked him to play up too, refusing to toe the line and join in; choosing to read instead, or play alone, hoping that she would then spend all her time on him, pandering to his needs buts she didn’t, and Eddie turned into an arrogant, spiteful brat, and we grew apart. I missed him as my play mate at first, then I resented him.

Wake up. It's Christmas!

Big deal, Karla grumbled as I gently tried to shake her awake the following morning. It was quite early, still dark outside but there was no way I could go back to sleep now that I was up. I had never believed in Santa, and I knew that our father sent a member of the staff to buy gifts for us instead of choosing them himself but who cared about the details, they knew us better than him anyway, and a gift was a gift, it was still exciting!

Get up, I begged, nudging my sister again.

Grow up! she responded and tried to bury herself beneath the duvet.

Oh, Karla please, I whined. Can't you just pretend to be excited? 

Why?

For me, I pleaded but she didn’t move, so I slipped beneath the duvet beside her.

Tell me more about your romantic date, I urged, snuggling up to her. Did he get you a gift? Dinner was his gift, she yawned.

Did you give him a gift then? I asked.

Yes, I gave him a gift, she told me and smiled for the first time that morning.

What was it . . . Oh! I exclaimed as it dawned on me what she meant.

Does that mean you are in love with him now? I asked excitedly.

No Ella, she said dryly and rolled her eyes in amusement. It means I am tired of waiting. I am only eighteen, I have lots of time to fall in love. I could not think of anything else to give him that he would like even half as much.

I had no idea if she was referring to full blown sex or the thing she had done to her friend whilst on her knees. I shook the image away again. I didn’t want to hear the details and fortunately she didn’t share them.

What about you? Are you going to give Craig a special gift? She asked me, stifling a yawn, and appearing disinterested.

I have bought him a sweatshirt, I replied. It had not been hugely expensive, but he had pointed it out in a shop one afternoon and I wanted to buy it for him. I was looking forward to giving it to him when I next saw him.

You are so adorable, Karla laughed and hugged me to her in a rare show of affection. So adorable and naïve. El, you know that is not what I meant.

Yes, I know. I was glad that her bedroom was still dark enough that she could not see me blushing though she must have felt the burning of my skin as I cringed.

Shall I go and make you a coffee? I offered, still trying to change the subject.

Thank you.

I took that as a yes, so I clambered out of her bed.

That does not mean you can go back to sleep, I warned as she curled her body back into a tight ball beneath the duvet.

I went down to the kitchen where I was greeted by Mary, our wonderful housekeeper who was already busy preparing our Christmas dinner.

Good morning, Miss Ella, she said, smiling over at me.

Here, let me do that, she offered as I busied myself tipping some beans into the coffee grinder. You don't normally drink coffee.

It is for Karla, I told her, and she pulled a face.

Oh dear, is she a little worse for wear again? she asked with a concerned smile.

I shrugged and watched as she ground the beans to make the coffee just how Karla liked it.

What can I get for you? Freshly squeezed orange, tea, hot chocolate? she offered, saving the best for last.

I opted for hot chocolate and thanked her before carrying both the drinks through to the drawing room. A fire had already been lit and our bulging stockings were hanging from the mantel. It looked so beautiful. I grinned excitedly to myself. I should really run upstairs to wake Eddie, but his sour face would only ruin my morning. 

I set the drinks down and waited patiently for Karla to appear, watching the lights twinkling on the tree. I was close to giving up. It took her a good fifteen to twenty minutes to roll out of bed to finally join me. I moved out of the chair closest to the fire so that she could sit there, and she sank into it wordlessly, taking the now cold cup of coffee from me that I passed it to her.

Can we open our stockings now? I begged her, itching to reach for mine.

Knock yourself out!

It would be nice to see her as excited as me about it, just once. I passed her the blue velvet stocking that had her name embroidered on it. Eddie's was bottle green with his name on it.

Mine was silver, nameless. Read into that what you will!

I started to pull the gifts out and unwrap them, tossing the bunched-up gift wrap into the fire and watching it dissolve into ash. Karla did not move. She was staring into the fire; its glow made her eyes sparkle like diamonds. She looked so beautiful, lost in her impenetrable thoughts. I wondered what she was thinking about.

Can I get you ladies anything for breakfast? Mary asked us as she came into the room to retrieve our empty cups.

I put in an order for eggs and bacon.

Will our father be joining us for breakfast? Karla asked her hopefully. I don't know why she tortured herself, forever vying for his attention that he was never going to give her. I didn't understand why she wanted to spend Christmas with him, he was a miserable bastard, and I honestly couldn't care less where he was. 

He left early this morning Miss Karla, but he may return in time for dinner.

I shall not hold my breath, she muttered, unable to hide her disappointment. 

Can I get you another coffee, Miss Karla?

Karla nodded and smiled sweetly at Mary. A smile that clearly made Mary’s day as her face lit up in response.

Are you going to open those? I asked, glancing towards the stocking at the foot of Karla’s chair.

Maybe later. I have a bit of a headache, she complained, using it as an excuse. She decided to go back to bed for a while. She returned a few hours later and was clearly drunk. I exchanged glances with Mary, who gave a sympathetic shake of her head.

Our father did not return for dinner. We didn't see him at all that Christmas. I wasn't overly concerned, our father had never shown us love or wanted to spend time with us, so I don’t know why Karla expected him to suddenly change but I did wonder if that was the reason she had got into such a state? He was the only person that ever penetrated the barrier she threw up around her emotions. It suddenly occurred to me how alike they were; maybe he had a barrier around his emotions too. Losing our mother must have been hard on him! 

Mary and I carried Karla back up to bed, which was not the easiest of feats when her arms and legs insisted on going in every direction but where we needed them to.

She sagged onto her bed and groaned. I thought she was going to be sick, but she settled quickly.

Let me know if you need anything, Mary offered kindly, gazing at Karla with sadness. I nodded at her, she was amazing, and made living in that house so much more bearable.

Why do you get like this? I asked Karla, sitting beside her, stroking her hair. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? So it all goes away, she mumbled.

What does? Karla? What goes away? I was wasting my breath. She had passed out.

I sighed and placed my head upon her shoulder. This had been a sucky Christmas.

I was surprised when Karla announced that we had been invited to a party for New Year’s Eve on one of our father’s ships, although it was no surprise that I hadn’t received the invite personally. Regardless of that, I was so excited. We finally got to board one of our father’s ships, he owned a freight ferry company that provided crossings between Dover and Calais. He had also launched a few cruise liners in the early eighties that sailed around the Caribbean. It was crazy to think that we never been on them before but better late than never. What I was most excited about was that this party would allow us a warranted shopping trip to London. Our father sent us with his driver who parked on Bond Street so that Karla and I could dash in and out of the shops like super stars. She had decided what she was wearing in the first shop, but I was planning on milking this, we had been let loose with our father’s credit accounts and I was going to enjoy it. Would he really notice if I went home with more than one dress? A girl needs options!

Wouldn't it be amazing if we could live in London and do this every day.

I am sure the novelty would soon wear off.

I don't think so. I would love it. There are so many things to do here. Dover is so boring!

Karla gave me a placating smile and sat down to try on a shoe. The shop assistant was fawning over her, running back and forth with alternative options, albeit pointlessly as Karla bought the first shoes she tried on. I sat down and waited for someone to run around after me, bringing me shoes to try. I was mostly ignored, perhaps because they saw me as a child or perhaps because it was generally what happened when Karla was in the same room. I tried not to let it bother me and just asked another assistant to fetch me a few pairs of shoes in a size five.

This is mad, I squealed, checking out my reflection for the billionth time. By my own admission, I looked like a movie star. Although I don't really understand why he wants us there! He never wants us anywhere near him! I added. 

Whilst I was still surprised by the invite, I was super psyched about going to his fancy party on a ship. Karla was mostly thrilled by the prospect of spending time with our father. She looked genuinely excited, and I didn’t want to be the one to tell her that it was not going to be what she envisioned. It was unlikely that our father was going to have us seated at his table whilst he gave a speech about how much all his children meant to him.

So how do I look? Karla asked me as she twirled around in a beautiful pale blue evening dress that matched her eyes perfectly.

Wow, you look like Mummy, it's uncanny. I did not really remember our mother; I had only been five when she died, but I had seen plenty of pictures of her and Karla was the image of her. You look amazing, I assured her. What about me? Absolutely beautiful, she smiled. 

I thought so too, and I grinned at her as I took in my reflection again. I wore a deep red taffeta gown, full length, very grown up and sophisticated. I wanted to turn heads when I walked into a room.

Ready? she asked me.

Yes, let's rock the boat! I replied, making her laugh, a rare but joyful sound that made me so happy.

Edward was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for us and smirked at the sight of us.

Bit over-dressed aren't you girls? You do realise you are waiting on tables tonight?

Piss off Eddie, I said and brushed past him. He was not going to ruin this night for us.

The three of us rode in the limousine together, our father was already on the ship. It was not our first time in a limousine, but it was the first time we would be stepping out of one onto a red carpet. I felt like a star, and I was buzzing. Even my Dickhead brother seemed a in brighter mood than normal.

Karla had gone incredibly quiet suddenly and I wondered if she was about to have a panic attack, she had been prone to them in the past when feeling under pressure. She was very socially anxious and hadn’t had a drink to steady her nerves before leaving the house. 

I waited for Eddie to get out of the car before I asked her if she was okay. I did not want him teasing her about her anxiety issues as that made them worse.

Do you feel panicky? We can go together if you want, I said, and she nodded gratefully.

I stepped out first, beaming towards the photographers and taking a few seconds to shine before Karla got out and any interest in me would inevitably die. I reached my hand through the door and helped her out. She was trembling, and I wasn't even sure at that point if she would make it onto the ship, which meant I would probably have to stay behind too.

You can do this, I willed her, grasping her hand tightly as I took a few steps forward.

She graciously suffered a few photos of the three of us together as was requested by the local media, but I could feel her still trembling beside me and my hand was still firmly in her grasp.

As soon as we were on board, we were greeted by a member of staff who informed us that our father wanted to speak with us in private before we joined the party. 

We were led to an office where we waited silently for him. He entered the room as though in a rush and we were a massive inconvenience. His eyes flickered over the three of us and settled on Karla for a split second. He looked like he had been punched in the gut and would not look at her at all after that. I hoped that she had not noticed, he always hurt her so easily.

There are some very important people here tonight, he stressed to us. Do not embarrass me. I need you two to behave like perfect ladies, he added, prompting me to give Karla a playful dig in the ribs with my elbow whilst I held in my smirk.

There will be no alcohol for any of you, do I make myself clear? He was looking at me, but he was aiming this mostly at Karla.

As day! I saluted him, and he gave me a withered look. I was past caring. It was New Year’s Eve. We were at a fabulous party. Who cared what he thought of us?

We went up to the top deck as it got closer to midnight so that we could watch the fireworks. There were a small group of girls around my age who were huddled together to keep warm, and I smiled over at them. They smiled back.

Isn't this amazing, one of them said to me and I nodded in agreement.

I drew Karla closer and introduced us both to them.

You both look so glamorous, one of them told us and it made my day to be included in the compliments that were normally reserved just for my sister. I beamed at them and repaid the compliment.

The fireworks were impressive, and we all oohed in unison as they exploded over the channel. I turned to say Happy New Year to Karla, but she was nowhere to be seen.

I glanced around nervously.

I think she was cold, one of the girls explained. She went back inside.

We're all going to the disco, would you like to join us, we may find your sister there, another suggested. That was a highly likely scenario, so I followed them back into the warmth of the ship.

I smuggled in a bottle of Bacardi; would you like some? one of the girls offered. I hadn't ever tasted alcohol before but for just one night I wanted to know what the appeal was, to understand why Karla was so drawn to it, to feel for just a short while how she felt when intoxicated. 

It was like the world slipped away and I was the best and most important being that had ever existed. My aura was glowing, and everyone was drawn to me and my fabulousness. Well, no wonder she loved it, who did not want to feel this fabulous all the time?

Unfortunately, feeling fabulous was short lived. I felt so sick. The motion of the ferry heaving over the waves was doing some very strange things to my sense of balance and my stomach.

I was shocked as the bile rose and spilled out of my mouth, and I reacted too slowly to prevent it going everywhere. My dress was ruined, and I stared in horror at the puddle of vomit on the floor before me. I was immediately escorted out of the disco by a member of the crew who took me back to the office we had been in earlier so that I could sleep it off.

I slumped over the desk and groaned. Oh, this feeling was not fabulous at all! Why would anyone choose to drink if they knew this was going to happen? I thought I was going to die, and I wished the sea would just stop still for a bit so that I could focus on my death.

A short while later the door opened, and my father exploded through it, dragging Karla by her arm. He threw her into a chair so hard that she made a small yelp as she landed.

"Are you pished too?" I asked, raising my head from the desk a fraction to look at her, it hurt to do so!

You will both wait here until we dock. I have never been so humiliated in all my life.

The door slammed shut behind him and I winced.

I really need to go to the bathroom, Karla said urgently.

Waste bin? I offered but then decided I needed it myself. I took hold of it and started to throw up again. Oh God, how much more vomit could there be?

I told him I was seasick. I don't think he believes me, I explained, still retching over the bin. God, I feel so ill. I am never going to drink again, ever.

So, what happened? she asked me, watching me as I retched.

I threw up on the dance floor.

Oops, she stated with a slight disinterested laugh.

Yeah, the jailer was not happy, I added. What did you do? You could say I was caught in a rather compromising position with one of his colleagues.

She laughed hard, but I was not sure if it was supposed to be funny.

How compromising? I asked.

She responded with a look that explained everything and I opened my mouth wide in shock. She had only slept with Danny for the first time a week ago. How could she disregard him so easily?

She gave me a semi-apologetic shrug when I mentioned Danny, which irritated me. What happened to being different this time? To not treating Danny like she had Gary. I was so angry with her!

Why do you do it? I asked her. she looked at me vaguely as if not understanding the question but before I could repeat it, I started vomiting again. A deep and meaningful about why she felt the need to degrade herself to get attention would have to wait.

Not to be dramatic, but I actually died that night, and I was hoping that Karla would come to my aid like I had for her a billion times before, but she was nowhere to be seen. In fact, I did not see her until the following day when she came hurtling past me on the stairs and nearly knocked me over.

Hey, where are you going in such a hurry? Escaping the wrath of God, I teased, despite feeling like death. It was then that I noticed that she was crying.

I do not have time to explain El, I have to go! Go? Go where? I asked. 

I have to get away from here and I will not be coming back ever again! she announced.

I had no idea what was going on, but I let her pull me into her arms and squeeze me tightly as she said goodbye.

  I sat on the stairs in stunned silence after watching her leave. It was unlike her to be so dramatic, so something big had definitely happened, this fact was highlighted by the sound of my father yelling at someone on the phone in his study, but I could not work out what he was saying.

You both made a right mess, Eddie remarked as he came out of the kitchen.

I scowled at him.

You must be feeling really proud of yourselves.

Shut up Eddie!

He laughed at me and wandered off smugly.

I sat there for a while longer, until it went silent in the study. My father then suddenly appeared in the doorway.

You are here by the skin of your teeth. I have never been so ashamed as I was of the two of you last night. You both behaved abhorrently. Your sister . . . he paused for a split second, looking momentarily pained. Your sister is no longer a part of this family. Am I understood?

I bit back a sarcastic comment and nodded.

I remembered through my drunken haze that Karla said she had been caught out last night, but had she reallyy been caught having sex by our father? Oh God, how disgusting! No wonder he did not want to look at her! She would be back once he got over the shock, I was sure of it!

I spent the day in my room, keeping out of my father’s way who had decided to spend the whole day at home for the first time ever in my recollection. He was in a foul temper so there was no way I was risking bumping into him to use the telephone. I wanted to call Craig and I wanted to call our school friend, Lori to see if Karla had turned up at her house in Wales, but it would all have to wait until morning.

Karla called a couple of days later to tell me that she had found a flat to rent. It was in one of those suspect looking tower blocks close to the centre of town. 

She is going to die in this place, I told Craig as we stepped into the lift, it was so grotty. I wrinkled my nose in disgust at the over-powering smell of urine. I thought I was going to be sick, and I was convinced the guy that had just stepped out of it had been shooting up.

She will be fine, Craig assured me, clutching onto a box of her belongings.

We brought some of your things. I put in the teddy that mummy gave to you and all your cassettes. I didn't know what else to bring, I told Karla as she opened the door to us. I had no idea if she had any sentimental attachment to the bear, I’d never seen her cuddle it, but it had been on her bed when I was gathering her stuff together, so I had tossed it into the box.

She gave a strangled laugh as she rummaged through the box before she thanked me.

So, this is my palace, she said, inviting us in and giving me a quick tour. It was horrid; smelly, dirty, and dated, but I smiled at her and tried to remain positive.

You will come home eventually though, won’t you? This is just to prove a point, isn't it? I asked as I sat on the rickety bed. She turned away from me, avoiding looking me in the eye.

No, El, I will not be coming back. Father made himself quite clear. This is home now. You must visit me all the time, do you promise? she begged earnestly, reaching for my hands. It was the first time I had seen her so genuinely needy of me. I nodded at her tearfully and promised her I would. 

I wouldn’t have described us as particularly close prior to her moving out, she made it difficult for anyone to be close to her. But I cared about her, naturally, and there had been times when she let her guard down that we bonded and acted like real sisters, laughing together over silly things. I longed for that closeness between us.

Did you tell Danny what happened?

Yes of course. I told him that I got really drunk and embarrassed our father!

That's not exactly what happened. You . . .

It is a minor detail Ella, she said sharply, not letting me finish. He does not need to know the details. But . . .

I am done talking about it.

The lid was placed firmly on the conversation. It was hard to tell if she was ashamed about how she had acted, she was just making out it was one of those things, but it wasn't. I pulled a lock of my hair forward and nibbled on the ends.

Danny is here, she said with a smile, hearing the door open and indicated for me to follow her back out to the living room where Craig was trying to level out the legs of her coffee table.

I give up. I can't tell if the legs are wonky or if your floor is wonky!

Probably both, she replied flatly, making him laugh.

I have pizza, Danny declared, kicking the door shut with his foot.

And that is why you are the best boyfriend ever, she told him, going up to him and pressing her body to his as she kissed him full on the lips. He beamed at her and dropped the pizza boxes and crate of beer on the table that Craig had just tried to fix. It collapsed under the weight, and we all fell about laughing. I'll fix it properly, I promise, Craig told her.

Karla gave a dismissive shrug and opened the lid on a pizza box.

We could fix a lot of things up around here and make it nice for you. It's a decent size, he pointed out positively and looked to Danny for support.

Yeah, a lick of paint and this place will look amazing.

I am impressed by your extensive imagination, she teased as she nibbled around the crust of the pizza and leant towards Danny, dropping her head upon his shoulder.

We'll do it for you. Craig promised, and she thanked him.

We polished off the pizza then Craig offered to drive me home. I was more than ready to go but I wished I could take Karla with me. I felt like I was abandoning her by leaving her there.

I'll be back as soon as I can. I assured her. "And I will bring some more of your stuff. Just let