The Modern Divine Comedy Book 6: Purgatorio 2 Departure

By Andrew J. Farrara

The Purgatorio is the celestial afterworld where all people who die on Earth first immediately arrive to be purged and processed in their after-life by the Angels and Wise Prophets.
The Journalist Romano as Adam & the ancient Prophet Zarathustra arrive to attend the Annual Lantern Parade in the attached Paradiso but will experience all the aspects of the Purgatorio before moving onto the Paradiso.
The Café Graeco-Roman is the largest public café in the Celestial Kingdom where souls gather to discuss their personal, recreational and theological concerns amidst conspiratorial undercurrents led by the diabolical Devil and his tough-talking Three Crown Princes arriving as both undercover comedians and Garcons.

The World’s main religions of Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Judaism, Shintoism, Zoroastrianism, Jainism, Sikhism, Christianity and Islam and the Primitive Religions as well are explored by both the Young French Professeur and the Extraordinary School Children.
The Conspiracy Theorists are introduced while Celestial Tour Announcements about Guided Trips to Earth are permitted to those who qualify are given all day.
A Literary Intermezzo is offered to display the literature greats forming their Literary Collective which include souls like Chaucer, Charles Dickens, the Grimm Brothers, Christopher Marlowe, Mary Shelley, Lady Murasaki, Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Louis Stevenson, Shakespeare, the Russian existentialists & others.

Theological and Intellectual debates are also offered with the ancient Greek philosophers of Socrates & Plato & Aristotle to the modern thinkers Darwin, Richard Wagner, Friedrich Nietzsche, George Bernard Shaw, Voltaire, Rabelais & others.
Ideologies and Faiths are also explored in Chapters with the subjects of the True Authorship of the Christian New Testament & the Higher Criticism of the Bible.
GOD also has approved an Interstellar Scientific Project designed to explore the Universe with celestial physicists, mathematicians, bio-chemists, bio-technologists, behavioral scientists, political economists, philosophers, existentialists, theologians etc. all assisted by Albert Einstein among others.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 13, 2022
• ISBN: 9781663245175

Andrew J. Farrara

World traveler, writer, adventurer, entrepreneur, artist, romantic poet, Italian opera affezionato, ex-rugby player, and political animal! Andrew J. Farrara was born in Reading, Pa. in September 1950 and educated in the Reading School District. Coming-of-age in then-industrial Pennsylvania gave him an insatiable wanderlust. Since 1967 the author has traveled to over 135 countries and territories as determined by the Travelers’ Century Club lastly on a cruise from Genoa through the Suez Canal to the island of Mauritius and a flight to Madagascar, Ethiopia and England in 2019. He has visited all Seven Continents, including Antarctica, every State of the United States except North Dakota, and has conducted three around-the-world backpacking expeditions; for 8 weeks in 1983; 220 days in 1987-88; and 5 weeks in 2018. The second trip was the subject of his book entitled Around the World in 220 Days: Notes of an American Traveler Abroad published by Infinity Press in 2004. The author holds a BA in History and Political Science (1972) and an MA in Modern European History (1975) from Kutztown University, Pa. He taught social studies and history part-time in the Reading School District and at the Reading Area Community College before serving as an elected Reading School Board member from 1975 to 1977. Farrara served honorably in the Pennsylvania Air and Army National Guard from 1972 to 1978 as a Telecommunications Center Specialist in the 193rd Tactical Electronic Warfare Group at Middletown, Pa and as a Tank Crewman, Machine Gunner & Loader in the 103rd Armor & as an Infantry Soldier & Radio Operator in the 111th Infantry at the Kutztown Armory, Pa. from 1973 to 1978. The author held the positions of Supervisor then Superintendent of Recreation for the City of Reading from 1978 to 1987 resigning his later position to conduct his nine-month Around the World trip from Dec 1987 to Aug 1988. The author was also trained, certified and graduated from the 160-hour residential District Magistrate Program of the Minor Judiciary Education Board at Wilson College in Chambersburg Pennsylvania in 1982 and as a Pennsylvania Police Officer completing the 480-hour Reading Police Academy in 1983-4. He also completed a Para-Legal Certificate Program in 1976-77 at Penn State Berks Campus. Andrew J. Farrara currently operates an independent insurance agency in Reading since 1988 and spends his free time writing, observing, traveling, painting, and learning. In attempting to keep in shape intellectually and physically his personal motto has always been the well-known Chinese proverb: “Civilize the mind but make savage the body.” The author is presently working on an additional novel entitled Bonfire of the Gods about a group of world travelers taking a Grand Tour of Italia in 1896 starting in Rome Italy moving down to the mysterious Mezzogiorno of Napoli and Sicilia.

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ISBN: 978-1-6632-4519-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-4517-5 (e)

iUniverse rev. date:  10/12/2022

THE

MODERN

DIVINE

COMEDY

8-PART SERIES

BOOK 1   INFERNO 1 DESCENDING

BOOK 2   INFERNO 2 ASCENDING

BOOK 3   LIMBOLAND 1 ENTRANCE

BOOK 4   LIMBOLAND 2 DEPARTURE

BOOK 5   PURGATORIO 1 ENTRY

BOOK 6   PURGATORIO 2 DEPARTURE

BOOK 7   PARADISO 1 ENTRY

BOOK 8   PARADISO 2 DEPARTURE

TRIAL OF THE AGES OF

DOUBLE MILLENNIUMS

TRUTH & JUSTICE

CONTENTS

TIME:

GREAT HEROIC PAST, SOME PRESENT & STILL A BIT OF FUTURE.

Our Hero thinks it’s Christmas Day December 25, 1895

but it is really the early 21st Century.

STAGE SUB-TIME:

HOLY LANDS FROZEN in 1st CENTURY A.D.

PLACE:

PARADISO, PURGATORIO, & INFERNO & LIMBOLAND

& in the Celestial Supreme Court

MENTAL SUB-PLACE:

HEAVENLY SUBCONSCIOUS

CLIMATE:

PERFECT SUB TROPICAL COOLING HAWAIIAN TRADE WINDS

but GETTING HOTTER & HOTTER all the time

THEMES:

MORTALITY & IMMORTALITY

in all its contradictions & imperfections

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

(Cast of Characters)

JOURNALIST

The First Man ADAM & Himself

being Investigative Foreign Correspondent

as Andrew Romano on a Divine Odyssey

ZARATHUSTRA

Celestial Tour Guide, Chariot Driver & Divine friend for Journalist,

Prophet-Philosopher & founder of Zoroastrianism

WISE PROPHETS

Unnamed Daily Leaders in the Kingdom

ARCHANGELS

Administrators of the Celestial Kingdom

HOLY ANGELS VEZY & SARA

Special Narrators

& An Occasional

MYSTERIOUS SUBSTITUTE NARRATOR

DIVINE CHORUS

Conservative & Reactionary souls/consciences of Mankind/ Many Humanities

PEANUT GALLERY

Liberal & Radical souls/consciences of Mankind/Many Humanities

OTHER HOLY ANGELS

Monitors of Mortals on Earth, pure, chaste, innocent but some could be

mischievous with underestimated intelligence

THE TREACHEROUS DEVIL

He is still up to his devious & diabolical tricks plotting

the Takeover of the Limboland & eventually the Celestial Kingdom

MEPHISTOPHELES, LUCIFER & SATAN

Three Crown Princes of Evilness & Evil Clones of the Devil

hidden somewhere, everywhere & anywhere & masked

as expected trying to conquer the Kingdom again & again.

Oops, we wanted to forget

THE ALMIGHTY GOD HIMSELF

The Most Powerful, the Big Guy, Omnipotent, Omnipresent,

Omnibenevolent & Omniscient. He wants you to think that

He’s in the front & back of everything.

Called the Big Dog by the Devil

INFERNAL WICKED INTERRUPTUS

Occasional private episode Scene exposing

the Devil’s & his Three Crown Princes’

Furtive attempt to Conspire & Control

the Limboland Arenas & Celestial Kingdom

GOD’S THREE CAPABLE BUT FRUSTRATED

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS

HOLIEST WARRIOR

GRAND PONTIFEX MAXIMUS

AIDE-DE-CAMP ANTONIO

HUNCHBACK HOLY MAN

aka

OLD HOLY MAN OF THE MOUNTAIN

Mysterious seeker of the Divine Truths &

Wisest of all Wise philosophers &

Real Subconscious of Mankind

OTHER CHARACTERS INCLUDE:

DENIZENS OF PURGATORIO, LIMBOLAND & INFERNO

Concerned about mortality & immortality

some petitioning for entrance to Paradiso

PROFANITY WORDS

Bleeped

VIENNESE PSYCHOANALYST & SWISS PSYCHOANALYST

Roaming & Analyzing everyone & everything except themselves

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS

Roaming & criticizing everyone & everything

EXTRAORDINARY SCHOOL CHILDREN

Wandering students of burgeoning earthly & divine wisdom

YOUNG FRENCH PROFESSEUR

Their Itinerant Teacher

BARRISTER DARRYL BUCHANAN

A brilliant visiting Mortal American lawyer defending clients

Rockyfello & Court Jester

before God’s Celestial Supreme Court of the Kingdom

& defending Flavius Josephus in the

CELESTIAL TRIAL OF JOSEPHUS

FLAVIUS JOSEPHUS

Jewish General and ancient Roman writer on Trial

as traitor, turncoat, collaborationist & propagandist

for Emperors Vespasian and Titus

in discovering the real Spiritual Truths

ABRAHAM, NOAH & MOSES

Celestial Supreme Court Judges of the Kingdom

OTHER ACTORS

HEAVENLY CABINET…………………………………………….. of Archangels

DIVINE PARLIAMENT……………………….of Angels and Saints and Martyrs

ROCKYFELLO………….American industrialist, Oil Titan, richest mortal in world, age 56 in 1895

COURT JESTER……….Rockyfello’s untrustworthy & treacherous aide-de-camp

SECRET AGENTS OF THE INFERNO……agents of the Devil in many manifestations

MANY PAGAN, BIBLICAL, & HISTORICAL CHARACTERS being historical & mythological….TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION

GRAND BUREAUCRAT……………………………..Inferno’s Top Administrator

COLLECTIVE SUBCONSCIOUS…lurking in the jungles of the mind and soul of man

ECHO OF THE BIG BANG………………………………epistemological concept

QUIETI…Quest for INTRA-TERRESTRIAL and EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL Intelligence

BOOK 6

CONTINUES

WITH SCENE 61

CONTENTS

CHAPTER

61-4INTERLUDE SOLVING THE GREATEST CRIME OF THE AGES WITH NOVELIST AGATHA CHRISTIE LEADING THE PACK

61-5ENTERTAINERS AMONG OTHERS CONTINUE THEIR SPEECHES

61-6BACK TO THE OTHER SPEAKERS

61-7NAZI LEADER ADOLF HITLER TO SPEAK

61-8HITLER’S TEAM DEPARTS & SPEAKERS CONTINUE

61-9KARL MARX & FREDDY ENGELS PUTTING ON POLITIKAL SIDE SHOW & COMMENTARY

61-10A HOLY SECRETS SECRET INTERLUDE BY BUONARROTI

61-11BACK TO THE SPEAKERS IN ORDER

61-12CELESTIAL PEDAGOGICAL THEO-POLITIKAL SATIRIST PERFORMANCE IS GOD REAL?

61-13BACK TO THE SPEAKERS IN ORDER

61-14JFK ASSASSINATION REARS ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN EVEN HERE

61-15BACK TO THE SPEAKERS IN ORDER

61-16MARRIAGE BANNS

61-17LIMBOLAND DISNEY THEME PARK TO BE DONE SECRETLY

61-18CELESTIAL POLITICAL WORDS MUMBLING CONTEST

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 62

THE DEVIL RAMBLES ON AND ON AND ON…

SCENE 62

CONTORNO-SIDE DISH

DRAMATIC SALAD

THEATRE OF DIONYSUS

CHAPTER

62-1CELESTIAL DRAMA COMPETITION

62-2PRELIMINARY ENTERTAINMENT

62-3GREEK, JAPANESE & ELIZABETHAN ACTION

62-4FIVE GREEK HEROES

62-5MODERN YOUNG ATHEISTIC EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHER & ANCIENT OLDEST STUDENT

62-6PERICLES & HIS FAMOUS FUNERAL ORATION

62-7HISTORY BARREL TO REWRITE HISTORY PERFORMANCE

62-8SEVEN TRAGIC WOMEN OF ANCIENT GREECE ON LOVE & HATE PERFORMANCE

62-9GREAT FROG HOMER & BARBARIAN SOPHOS SCORPION TRAGI-COMEDY

62-10EURIPIDES MEETS NIETZSCHE & AUSTRIAN BUTCHER BOY COMEDY INTERLUDE

62-11AESCHYLUS, SOPHOCLES, EURIPIDES & ARISTOPHANES PERFORM

62-12INTERMISSION COMMENTARIES FROM SPECTATORS

62-13BULLFROGS MEET PIGS IS MAIN PERFORMANCE

62-14APOLLO ARRIVES IN MAIN PERFORMANCE

62-15APOLLONIAN INTELLECTUALS APPEAR IN MAIN PERFORMANCE

62-16DIONYSUS AND XANTHIAS RETURN IN MAIN PERFORMANCE

62-17BACK TO THE THEATRE DISCUSSION ON BUILDING A NEW MASSIVE MULTI-CULTURAL PERFORMANCE INCLUDING EVERY CULTURE POSSIBLE

62-18CHOREOGRAPHY DESIGNS BY HELLSWORTH HOOEY

62-19AMERICAN SQUARE DANCERS TAKE OVER

62-20DIVINE ODYSSEY IN THREE SECTIONS

62-21NEW LITERARY DEVELOPMENT & CHALLENGE

62-22TO BE OR NOT TO BE BY RENEGADE ACTOR

62-22NAILS MAN OF BIBLICAL COMEDY

62-24ELIZABETHANS ON THE LITERARY ATTACK

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 63

MEPHISTOPHELES, SATAN AND LUCIFER ARE DISCUSSING

THINGS PRIVATELY WITHOUT THE DEVIL.

SCENE 63

LITERARY INTERMEZZO

FORMING A LITERARY COLLECTIVE

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

SATIRE PLUS

CHAPTERS

63-1ROAD FROM INFERNAL CONSPIRACY TO LITERARY ENLIGHTENMENT

63-2LITERATURE GREATS ANALYZE ALICE IN WONDERLAND SATIRE

63-3CHAUCER’S CANTERBURY TALES DISSECTED

63-4BACK TO THE LITERARY GROUP

63-5CHARLES DICKENS DISSECTED WITHOUT MERCY

63-6GRIMM BROTHERS PERFORMING

63-7DOSTOEVSKY ON EXISTENTIAL REBOUND & THE GHOST OF TOLSTOY ARRIVES TO PERFORM

63-8ALEXANDER POPE DOING POPERY PERFORMANCE

63-9JONATHAN SWIFT GETTING SATIRED SWIFTLY

63-10BACK TO CORRESPONDENCE RECEIVED

63-11CHARLES DICKENS FINALLY AWAKENS FROM SLUMBER

63-12ALICE’S WONDERLAND LITERARY ANARCHY

63-13CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE’S ON OFFENSIVE WITH DOCTOR FAUSTUS MINI-PLAY

63-14FRENCH BOURGEOIS CULTURE DISSECTED BY FLAUBERT

63-15MARY SHELLEY GETTING FRANKENSTEINED

63-16LADY MURASAKI SHIKIBU DOING A COMIC MINI-OPERA

63-17EDGAR ALLAN POE SHRIEKING CREATIVELY

63-18ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON ARRIVES AFTER NIGHTMARE

63-19WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE AS SURPRISE THESPIAN WELSH WAITER

63-20LITERATURE COLLECTIVE ENDING RECAPITULATION DISCUSSION

63-21DID THESE LITERARY PERFORMANCES MAKE ANY SENSE?

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 64

THE DEVIL STILL CONSPIRING HIS CONSPIRACY

TO TAKE OVER THE KINGDOM.

INFERNAL ARTISTIC OBLITERATION

SCENE 64

CELESTIAL STATE OF THE ARTS

ORGANIZING

CHAPTERS

64-1ARTISTS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

64-2AUSSIE ART CRITIC ROBERT HUGHES SHOWS UP WHILE ARTISTS ARE STILL TRYING TO ORGANIZE THEMSELVES

64-3DOCTOR ALBERT BARNES ON HIS LIFE AND ART

64-4ANCIENT GREEK SCULPTORS ARRIVE WHILE ROBERT HUGHES OFFERS HIS ART-TAKE

64-5FUTURE ANNIHILATION OF ART DEBATED BY ART PROF FRED & RADICAL ARTIST BJORG PALMOVSKY

64-6CANADIAN VISIONARY HERBERT MARSHALL MCLUHAN KNOWN HERE AS PROF HERBIE HERBERT ON NEO-CULTURAL COMMUNICATIONS OFFENSIVE ATTACK

64-7THE APOSTLE OF FREE ENTERPRISE ARRIVES

64-8ARTISTIC & LITERARY INTERLUDE LED BY ART PROF FRED & RADICAL ARTIST BJORG PALMOVSKY

64-9OTHER FAMOUS LITERARY GREATS ARRIVE ANGRY THEY WERE NOT INVITED

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 65

THE REAL STORY BEHIND THE FAKE STORY.

SCENE 65

COLLECTIVE GUILDS OF MANY

ORGANIZING & BRAINSTORMING

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER

65-1PHILOSOPHERS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-2THEOLOGIANS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-3HISTORIANS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-4PSYCHOANALYSTS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-5SCIENTISTS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-6MUSICIANS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-7EXPLORERS & MILITARY ADVENTURERS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-8POLITICAL COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-9ECONOMISTS COLLECTIVE FORMING

61-10PHYSICIANS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-11ENTERTAINERS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING WITH PT BARNUM TAKING OVER WITH A PERFORMANCE

65-12CLOWNS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-13LAWYERS COLLECTIVE GUILD FORMING

65-14VISIONARY BRAIN TRUST COLLECTIVE FORMED BY SOCRATES, PLATO, & ARISTOTLE NOW REASSESSING THEIR FUTURE FATE HERE

65-15POSSIBLE QUESTIONS & POLITICAL TOPICS TO DEVELOP A PERSON’S POLITICAL & RELIGIOUS QUOTIENT BY SOCRATES

65-16TOP THREE GREEKS OF SOCRATES, PLATO & ARISTOTLE REASSESSING THEIR FUTURE FATE HERE

65-17FEMINISTS COLLECTIVE FORMING

65-18CHEFS COLLECTIVE FORMING

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 66

DEVIL’S TRIAD STILL CONSPIRING ALONE

FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES.

SCENE 66

LITERARY PERFORMANCES

INCLUDE JAMES JOYCE AS

JIMBO-JIMBO ALOYSIUS

CHAPTERS

66-1MALE VICTORIAN CULTURAL ASSAULT

66-2IRISH AUTHOR JAMES JOYCE PLAYING JIMBO-JIMBO-ALOYSIUS STILL IN LITERARY SLUMP WITH HIS FOUR LITERARY PUPPET FRIENDS

66-3ULYSSES ON VOYAGE OF EXISTENTIAL NOTHINGNESS

66-4AUTHOR & ARTIST FRIEND ARRIVES DISCUSSING LITERARY PHILOSOPHY & PSYCHOLOGICAL INSIGHTS WITH JIMBO-JIMBO

66-5WAITERS ARGUING OVER IRISH POLITICS

66-6BACK TO JIMBO-JIMBO & ARTIST WITH PATCH & SHOE & CIGAR & PINT PERFORMANCE

66-7DOK MAXIMUS YOUNG FREUDIAN PSYCHOANALYST ARRIVES OFFERING HIS OPINIONS

66-8FOUR CONSCIENCES OF PATCH & SHOE & CIGAR & PINT ON LITERARY OFFENSIVE NOW

66-9OBSCURE RAMBLING LITERARY PERFORMANCE BEGINS

66-10POLITICAL CYNICISM FOR EVERYONE

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 67

NO ONE CAN EVER STOP THE DEVIL INCLUDING THE BIG DOG!

SCENE 67

THEOLOGICAL & INTELLECTUAL &

EDUCATIONAL DEBATES IN PARODY

AT THE CAFÉ GRAECO-ROMAN

FORMAGGIO E FRUTTA

CHAPTER

67-1COMPOSING THE DIVINE OPERA

67-2RICHARD WAGNER ON EGOCENTRIC OFFENSIVE TRYING TO DOMINATE MUSICAL WORLD HERE

67-3RELIGIOUS SUMMER BIBLE CAMP FOR THE SCHOOL CHILDREN

67-4COMPARATIVE CLASSICAL EDUCATION ACADEMY

67-5BIBLE SCHOOL IN THE KINGDOM FOR THE SCHOOL CHILDREN

67-6CRITICAL & SERIOUS QUESTIONS FROM THE SCHOOL CHILDREN

67-7KNOCK KNOCK EXISTENTIALISM GAME

67-8PHILOSOPHICAL INTERRUPTUS INQUIRY BY PLATO & ARISTOTLE

67-9THE ALIENATED INTELLECTUAL CLASS BEING SKEWERED BY ALL

67-10BACK TO THE GREAT PLATO & ARISTOTLE

67-11SCIENTISTS EXPERIMENTING ON MAN

67-12GOSPEL OF DARWINIAN SCIENCE VS RELIGION

67-13LEGENDARY WRITERS GROUP & THEIR HEROES

67-14THE MYSTERIOUS KNIGHTS TEMPLAR

67-15FAIRING FAIRY TALES ARE FLYING AFAR & SATIRE ON DECAYING NORTHEAST INDUSTRIAL MILL TOWN DISPLAYED IN NEW FILM ON EARTH

67-16SATIRE ON DECAYING NORTHEAST INDUSTRIAL MILL TOWN DISPLAYED IN NEW FILM ON EARTH

67-17SHAKESPEARE, VIRGIL, HOMER, DANTE & OTHERS

67-18GEORGE BERNARD SHAW’S EARTHLY REVENGE

67-19YOUNG ANGRY AMERICAN ATHEIST ARRIVES SUPPORTING GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

67-20SHAKESPEARE TROUPE ARRIVES FOR FLOATS: POST-SCRIPT

67-21VOLTAIRE, SWIFT & RABELAIS

67-22CELESTIAL ANGELIC LEADERSHIP ENTRANCE TEST INTERMEZZO PROVA

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 68

BIG BROTHER DEVIL IS WATCHING EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING!

SCENE 68

BATTLE OF IDEOLOGY & FAITHS

AT THE CAFÉ GRAECO-ROMAN

CHAPTERS

68-1THE GREATEST STORY NEVER TOLD: TRUE AUTHORSHIP CONTROVERSY OF NEW TESTAMENT

68-2BOOKS OF THE BIBLES & QUR’AN

68-3MENU: A TASTE OF HEAVEN & OUTER SPACE

68-4HIGHER CRITICISM OF THE BIBLE BY NOTED AUTHORS IN SYMPOSIUM ON EARLY CHRISTIANITY

68-5CAFÉ GRAECO-ROMAN RITORNO

68-6MARX, HEGEL & SCHOPENHAUER IN PURGATORIO

68-7THE ELITE RULING CLASSES DISSECTED

68-8PHILOSOPHER FRIEDRICH ENGELS & ARTIST GUSTAVE COURBET

68-9QUESTIONS FOR ST. THOMAS & ST. AUGUSTINE WITH TOM PAINE & A CURIOUS YOUNG MAN

68-10KANT, SPINOZA & DESCARTES & FELLOW TRAVELERS

68-11PROTESTANT REFORMERS

68-12CONFERENCE ON MARXISM

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 69

THE DEVIL’S POLITIKAL WAR ROOM IS STILL HUMMING.

SCENE 69

BESEIGED IN THE END GAME

DIGESTIVO

GRAPPA & LIMONCELLO

CHAPTERS

69-1EPIC HEROES

69-2HINDUS & BUDDHISTS & SIKHS & JAINS ETC

69-3MYSTERIOUS CHARACTERS AT CAFÉ: FOUR MOST INFLUENTIAL MEN IN UNIVERSE

69-4THE FREUDIAN UNCONSCIOUS REVOLUTION

69-5 DISCUSSION ON RELATIVISTIC EINSTEINIAN UNIVERSE BY SCIENTISTS AMONG OTHERS

69-6SPANNING THE INTELLECTUAL GLOBE BELOW WITH MANY BLACK INTELLECTUALS AMONG OTHERS

INFERNAL WICKED

INTERRUPTUS 70

THE DEVIL’S GRAVEDIGGERS NEVER REST

UNTIL THEY FIND THE HIDDEN BONES.

SCENE 70

INTERSTELLAR

SCIENTIFIC PROJECT

IN SECLUDED AREA

OVERTURE

DIRECTOR OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH & HOLIEST WARRIOR

& WISE PROPHET ASIDE WITH

HEAD OF SCIENTIFIC OPERATIONS BEHIND

SETTING UP TOP SECRET PROJECT

CHAPTERS

70-1STAFF PSYCHOTHERAPIST & SUBVERSIVE SOCIOLOGIST SHOW UP TO ADVISE PROJECT ADMINISTRATORS

70-2THE QUIETI PROJECT: INTRODUCTIONS BY THE DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH

70-3ECCENTRIC LIBRARIAN OF THE SCIENCES

70-4SIXTEEN GIFTED STUDENTS & THEIR LIST OF REQUIRED READING

70-5ARTICLES, MONOGRAPHS & EXPERIMENTS OF THE GIFTED STUDENTS NOTED BY THEM

70-6THREE ZEALOUS THEOLOGIANS

70-7SPECULATIVE EASTERN PHILOSOPHER

70-8SCRUPULOUS COMPTROLLER GENERAL

70-9REVISIONIST UNIVERSAL HISTORIAN

70-10RECLUSE OUTLAW MATHEMATICIAN

70-11DISSIDENT POLITICAL ECONOMIST

70-12MAVERICK META-THEORETICAL PHYSICIST

70-13UBER-FEMINIST BIO-CHEMIST

70-14MADD MAXX ABORIGINAL COSMOLOGIST

70-15PRIVATE CONVERSATION WITH SUBVERSIVE SOCIOLOGIST & ETHIOPIAN ETHNICIST & POLITICAL SATIRIST

70-16LONELY FRENCH EXISTENTIALIST

70-17RADICAL BEHAVIORAL SCIENTIST FROM CHINA

70-18CRAZY VISIONARY BIOTECHNOLOGIST FROM RUMANIA

70-19CAVALIER CREATIVE LITERARY & ART & MUSIC & ESTHETICS CRITIC FROM IRELAND

70-20SWASHBUCKLING MASTER CHEF DE CUISINE FROM ANCIENT GAUL

70-21SWISS GERMAN JUNIOR CLERK EINSTEIN WHEN YOUNG PERFORMANCE

70-22CONSORTIUM OF PROMINENT JOURNALISTS SNOOPING AROUND OUTSIDE FOR SECRET INFORMATION

70-23DEVIL’S ANCIENT REGIME IS PREPARING HIS FINAL COUP D’ETAT

61-4

INTERLUDE SOLVING THE GREATEST CRIME OF THE AGES

WITH NOVELIST AGATHA CHRISTIE LEADING THE PACK

WISE PROPHET: "Next we have Detective Mania! Private Investigators! The real authors and creators ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE and RAYMOND CHANDLER and WILLIE COLLINS and BLAKE EDWARDS and EDGAR ALLEN POE and ERLE STANLEY GARDNER and MICKEY SPILLANE and EARL DERR BIGGERS and DASHIELL HAMMETT and CHESTER GOULD and AGATHA CHRISTIE are leading some Detective Characters up to the stage while these sleuth Detectives are discussing their careers and the toughest jobs they ever encountered.

"Sergeant Cuff of The Moonstone; Alvin Dewey of In Cold Blood; C Auguste Dupin of The Murders in the Rue Morgue; Sherlock Holmes of The Hound of the Baskervilles and other stories; Phillip Marlowe of The Big Sleep; Charlie Chan; Inspector Clouseau of The Pink Panther; Batman and Robin; Hercule Poirot of Murder on the Orient Express; Sam Diamond of Murder By Death parody film; detective Mike Hammer of Mickey Spillane’s novels; the comic strip crime stopper hero Dick Tracy; James Bond of Ian Fleming’s James Bond series and all the other sleuths among the other great novels and films are showing up here rearing to go solve any crime and create havoc with their competitors. Sam Spade of The Maltese Falcon and Perry Mason created by Erle Stanley Gardner both show up uninvited. Some other actors and actresses also appear to show up now uninvited creating much confusion. The real actors PETER LORRE and SYDNEY GREENSTREET are involved but want to remain aloof. ORSON WELLES pops up without notice."

ORSON WELLES: [thinking to himself] Film Noir! Black Marketeers! Prostitution! Organized Crime! Graft! Villains! Victims! Mobsters! Rock that Cradle! Magic! Solving this Crime should be ‘a piece of cake’ that is if they was a crime perpetrated or not…

VIENNESE PSYCHOANALYST: [cigar smoking] Are not all these characters meglomaniacs?

SWISS PSYCHOANALYST: [cigarette smoking] Yes and no! I think only the real ones are!

WISE PROPHET: The characters and actors are talking alone separately from the creators.

ROBIN: Holy Crime Solver, what do you think, Batman?

BATMAN: I think we can solve any crime but I am very leery of the celestial Waiters, Garcons and Servants here. Where’s the Joker too? But Robin, we must do something completely different here to solve this crime.

ALVIN DEWEY: "I was the main investigator portrayed in the book In Cold Blood written from 1966 by Truman Capote and I will assist in this game we are playing."

CHARLIE CHAN: As the Honolulu Chinese-Amerikan detective I am honored to be invited here but I am looking for my family members here to assist me and I do argue clearly and openly that these ‘Yellow Peril’ comments and Ethnic Stereotypes must be stopped here but I would rather have a glass of hot Japanese saki to discuss these issues further.

ACTOR INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU: Mon Dieu! I can solve any crime anywhere at anytime…[stumbling down]…well, most of the time.

SAM SPADE: Private Dicks everywhere. I gotta leave and return under an unusual disguise.

DAVID NIVEN: [whispering to partner] I must infiltrate this group in disguise too. I lived from 1910 to 1983.

ACTOR SERGEANT CUFF: Hmm, although I was a famous detective from London where my native intelligence was called ‘perceptive’ I would rather cultivate roses which shows my sensitivity…

ACTOR PHILIP MARLOWE: They said I was ‘tough’ and ‘honest’ and ‘witty’ but I still believe that ‘a woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice.’ Thank you.

ACTOR C AUGUSTE DUPIN: "In The Murders in the Rue Morgue it was I who solved the murder of the two Parisian women by a primate orangutan after the bumbling Police arrested the wrong man."

HERCULE POIROT: [twirling mustache] "The Perfect Crime? I replied; ‘It is an illusion, Countess.’ As the most famous Belgian police officer in modern history and the solver of Ratchette’s murder in the Murder on the Orient Express I did say; ‘Certainment, this is the most difficult moment of my career. To solve the crime... that does not exist.’ The simplistic act of a murder, I shall conclude, is indeed very complex and to make it more complicated to those who have not read the mystery novel—Everyone and No One is guilty. Merci."

SHERLOCK HOLMES: [pipe smoking] Hmm…I must wait in the background before doing anything controversial or foolish.

SPINSTER MISS MARPLE: You must speak louder. I can’t hear you.

DICK TRACY: Even though my exploits were placed on a comic strip I can handle the real world including here because I specialize in solving any and all urban crime…

PERRY MASON: I am Perry Mason, the greatest defense attorney in the history of the planet who never lost a case and I am not the Canadian actor Raymond Burr who lived from 1917 to 1993. I am the real thing. He’s an actor. I’m sorry I got here late but what’s the Crime and who’s doing the time? That rhymes.

MIKE HAMMER: They call me the Hammer…

DETECTIVE SGT JOE FRIDAY: [flashing badge 714] "My name is Sgt Friday and I’m a cop for the LAPD! I’m only interested in the Facts! My motto is; ‘Just the Facts, ma’am!’ Ah, I’m the Detective on the TV show Dragnet."

LT COLUMBO: [carrying an unlighted wet cigar being disoriented] Am I in the right place here…?

DICK TRACY: [playing with gadgetry now] Groovy! FBI G-Man! As an American Police Detective I ask are there any Communists or Bolsheviks or leftists here? I want to destroy Big Boy and Big Man in one catch and destroy the Mob forever even if I must use Superman to help me…

ORSON WELLES: I must get involved in this as an actor and crime solver too…

JAMES BOND: Beautiful Women and Fine Food and Expensive Sports Cars and Futuristic Gadgetry are the things that keep my life going and…

SYDNEY GREENSTREET: I am still upset about the Maltese Falcon.

PETER LORRE: As real actors we can fool all of them.

HUMPHREY BOGART: [shows up] I just lost 50 grand in the corrupt casino and the dame with the blonde hair and green eyes that sparkles the sky stole my last hundred dollars out of my pockets.

HOLLYWOOD ARTIST: I want to be a Forensic Police Artist when I grow up.

WISE PROPHET: The creators are talking alone.

BLAKE EDWARDS: "As the creator of Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther and dying in 2010 I want to be part of this game…"

ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE: "My Sherlock Holmes can solve every crime with or without Doctor Watson."

RAYMOND CHANDLER: "As the creator of Philip Marlowe I must agree that we have them all stumped this time."

WILLIE COLLINS: "As the creator of Sergeant Cuff in Moonstone and dying in 1889 I think that you can’t make the Crime impossible to solve."

EDGAR ALLEN POE: "As the creator of C AUGUSTE DUPIN in The Murders in the Rue Morgue I must say that…"

ERLE STANLEY GARDNER: [shadow boxing] Living from 1889 to 1970 I was the creator of Perry Mason who will without a doubt solve this Crime ipso facto…

MICKEY SPILLANE: [jumping on trampoline] Sex and Violence? What’s wrong with it? I lived from 1918 to 2006.

EARL DERR BIGGERS: I lived from 1884 to 1933 and created the Chinese-American Detective Charlie Chan. His relatives are still hiding from him so he stays and solves the crime with one of his kids.

DASHIELL HAMMETT: "Living from 1894 to 1961 and being a World War I and World War II veteran and former Pinkerton detective and member of the Amerikan Communist Party I created Sam Spade and will solve this crime."

CHESTER GOULD: "Living from 1900 to 1985 I am unusual here because I think I am the only cartoonist whose Dick Tracy was a great crime fighter and tis me who will solve this crime whatever it is…"

IAN FLEMING: Being in the midst of such creativity I am equally impressed and am humbled but will use my guile to trick you all out of the clues first…

AGATHA CHRISTIE: "Living from 1890 to 1876 as the real creator of HERCULE POIROT in Murder on the Orient Express I must say that…"

ANNOUNCEMENT: May we have your attention? Agatha Christie would like to speak briefly.

AGATHA CHRISTIE: Thank you very much, Celestial Announcer. Our job here, ladies and gentlemen, is to solve the Crime.

ALL SLEUTHS: What crime?

AGATHA CHRISTIE: The Greatest Crime of the Ages!

ALL SLEUTHS: What’s the Greatest Crime of the Ages?

AGATHA CHRISTIE: That is for you all to determine and solve. [disappears] Remember Truth and Beauty!

WISE PROPHET: All writers and creators of the Detectives depart quickly leaving the Detectives and their assistants alone in the room. Something unusual may happen within 5 minutes; or Not! The sleuths are all making comments to themselves with few exceptions.

ALL ACTORS: [chant] Truth and Beauty!

SAM DIAMOND: I’m the best crime fighter.

BATMAN: We can solve this crime.

ROBIN: [quietly] But, Batman, what is the crime?

ALVIN DEWEY: Hmm…check out the Chinese guy first.

CHARLIE CHAN: Number One son is not here yet.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: [pipe smoking] Crime of the Ages means what?

SAM SPADE: The clues are in the words.

ACTOR PHILIP MARLOWE: I must work alone but use these knuckleheads.

ACTOR C AUGUSTE DUPIN: Mon Dieu.

HERCULE POIROT: Impossible.

SPINSTER MISS MARPLE: If I play olde and stupid will that help me here?

DICK TRACY: Of the Ages. Of the Ages…

PERRY MASON: Legal aspects of this Crime are what?

MIKE HAMMER: I’ll put the hammer to it but what is it?

DETECTIVE SGT JOE FRIDAY: I stumped already.

LT COLUMBO: [licking cig] Who burnt the hair off of Smokey the Bearette?

ORSON WELLES: Playing dumb is easy.

JAMES BOND: Playing smart is dumber.

SYDNEY GREENSTREET: [sweating up a storm] Peter, check out the statutes here nonchalantly.

PETER LORRE: I never felt a statute I did not like.

HUMPHREY BOGART: There’s a woman behind every great crime.

ALL DETECTIVES: [repeat] Something unusual may happen within 5 minutes; or Not!

BATMAN: That means anytime!

SAM DIAMOND: Alright stop! I’m in charge here but give me a ‘stiff drink’ first.

GARCON FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: [arrives] Drinks and food are now served. Bitte!

ALVIN DEWEY: Someone here will get murdered at the stroke of midnight. That’s the way it’s done in the movie.

ANNOUNCEMENT: The clock strikes 12 midnight and a shot rings out. The GARCON FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER disappears.

Everyone freezes and looks at their bodies to see if they got hit.

CHARLIE CHAN: Let’s check out the Butler first.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: He looks and smells like Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein Monster but that does not mean it is he.

SAM SPADE: Give him a shot of cocaine to see what he does.

ACTOR PHILIP MARLOWE: Maybe she means who killed civilization? The ancient Romans, Attila the Hun, Dracula, Ghenghis Khan, the German Nazis…

C AUGUSTE DUPIN: Piece of cake. We are all famous Criminologists here.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A gun, a clock, poison wine, smoke, mirrors, phony wall paintings, tricks of the eyes…

MICKEY SPILLANE: Deceptions are here.

HERCULE POIROT: Mais oui, yes, if we put together our Collective Intelligence we can’t lose.

SPINSTER MISS MARPLE: No, what if we put together our Collective Stupidity?

Laughs and snickers.

CHARLIE CHAN: [yells] Stop! Don’t taste the drinks yet until they are tested by my extremely wise number 4 son-in-law from Amerikan FBI Forensic School.

#5 SON OF CHARLIE CHAN: [shows up late] Sorry, Number #1 Father, Number 4 son-in-law got drunk from testing all the whiskey and wine at the last Crime Scene. He is sleeping like a baby.

All stop.

DICK TRACY: The sexy pole dance stripper painted on the wall was looking at us.

PERRY MASON: I thought that was a transvestite grizzly bear!

MIKE HAMMER: It was supposed to be a moose.

DETECTIVE JOE FRIDAY: Abominable snowman maybe.

JAMES BOND: My name is Fleming. Ian Fleming.

LT COLUMBO: I want to check out the whiskers in the grizzly bear or snowman in the picture.

SYDNEY GREENSTREET: [laughing] Hah! The world’s greatest detectives have not yet been created by God.

PETER LORRE: We can fool any and all of them now. The painting on the wall who was looking at us was Orson Welles sticking his tongue out at us.

CHESTER GOULD: I can’t draw a mirage.

DASHIELL HAMMETT: Was it wearing a ski mask?

EARL DERR BIGGERS: Are they going to do a Séance here?

HUMPHREY BOGART: Okay, Orson, you can get down from inside the back of the wall now.

ORSON WELLES: Humphrey, I’m behind you now not in the wall.

IAN FLEMING: Who’s laughing at us from the wall painting?

HUMPHREY BOGART: Sam Diamond, I could need a good stiff drink now too. Make that two Scotches and two Martinis; one for each of our double personalities.

LT COLUMBO: The crime is about three drinks behind the painting.

The actors all bow.

Claps and hoots.

61-5

ENTERTAINERS AMONG OTHERS CONTINUE THEIR SPEECHES

WISE PROPHET: Thank you for that short skit. Ah, I think we’re in the Ds now! Are we in the Ds yet, Celestial Announcer?

ANNOUNCER: [acting] I think so in that D is for Dark, Darkness including Satan and Dracula but the Entertainers are lobbying us now and…

WISE PROPHET: Excuse me, but the Entertainers want to continue their speeches. Please continue.

MARLENE DIETRICH: "Greta Garbo, Joan Crawford, Rhonda Fleming et al. Living from 1901 to 1992 I did enjoy the 1930 The Blue Angel (Der blaue Engel) very much but I did say that; ‘America took me into her bosom when there was no longer a country worthy of the name, but in my heart I am German – German in my soul.’ I also know you want me to comment on that race called Men. ‘Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.’ Bitte."

GERMAINE DULAC: "As a female film director of the 1923 film The Smiling Madame Deudet I lived from 1882 to 1942 where some often called me a feminist but here I do want to do more films specializing on Feminism."

SERGEI EISENSTEIN: "I think my 1925 silent film Battle Potemkin was the most revolutionary artistic film in history and…my 1928 October or Ten Days That Shook the World was equally artistically magnificent…"

DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS: "Living from 1883 to 1939 I really enjoyed making in 1926 The Black Pirate and in 1929 The Iron Mask and many other films but now I am teaching Fencign with Errol Flynn."

FEDERICO FELLINI: Living from 1920 to 1993 I do want to be the first celestial Film Director who finishes the first film in the Kingdom even though we might have to do in the Infernal areas.

WC FIELDS: "Living from 1879 to 1946 I once stated with glee; ‘A person who hates dogs and children can’t be all bad’ while I also once said that my favorite films were the 1934 It’s a Gift and in 1940 The Bank Dick and a very favorite one is; ‘I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m so indebted to her.’ [chuckles] I’d rather be living now, not in Philadelphia, but in the Limboland Arena or Inferno where everything is permitted without personal responsibility including drunken stupors, whore houses and illicit drug use. Do you have a joint or this new K-2 marijuana thing, my little Chick-000-dee? It is true that I never drank water after age 18."

DEMOCRACY ADVOCATE: Defenestration of Prague or Defenetration of Democracy, I ask to the social Darwinists here.

UNDERAGE DRINKING OPPONENTS: We oppose underage drinking everywhere particularly on USA college campuses in their decadent fraternities because they use hazing and forced drinking and drug use to effectuate conformity.

COUNTRY BUMPKIN ACTOR: I’m just an olde Midwestern USA country bumpkin who loves Andy Griffith, Green Acres, I Love Lucy and Sally Starr.

THREE STOOGES FANS: "Hey, what about the Stooges? Yuck, yak and yuck again!

ROBERT FLAHERTY: "Living from 1884 to 1951 I produced the 1920 ethnographic documentary Nanook of the North…

ERROL FLYNN: "Living from 1909 to 1959 being an Australian not Amerikan I loved doing Captain Blood in 1935 and Robin Hood in 1938 and Charge of the Light Brigade in 1938 and…"

JOHN FORD: "Dying in 1973 I would love to direct a Celestial Movie of all Movies doing an expose of Inferno shenanigans calling the movie How Black Was My Infernal Valley taking a Stagecoach operated by the Devil’s agent run with four mythological beasts."

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I am the monster not Doktor Frankenstein and have human feelings which have been trampled with those horrible films showing me as a real monster.

GRETA GARBO: "Did you think I was Anna Karenina? Incredible that I lived from 1905 to 1990 but I still only ‘want to be let alone’ even here. I was an accomplished Swedish actress who succeeded in Hollywood. I need a drink before I see my girlfriend Lauren Bacall."

GEORGE GERSHWIN: [singing] "Ah, ‘Swanee’ sang Al Jolson! Living from 1898 to 1937 as what they called a ‘magical Amerikan music composer man’ I tripped the ‘light fantastic’ writing compositions like Porgy and Bess, An American in Paris and Rhapsody in Blue and Shall We Dance of 1937 which were marvelous too of light classical, extraordinary show tunes and modern Negro-dominated jazz probably ‘the most important musical expression that America has ever achieved’ but remember that ‘True music…must repeat the thought and inspirations of the people and the time. My people are Americans. My time is today.’ Where’s Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers?"

HUDDIE LEDBETTER: [tooting horn] Did someone call me ‘leadbelly’?

WILLIAM HANDY: Did someone call me the ‘father of the blues’?

JAZZ MUSICIAN: Blood, sweat and jazz musique.

SAMUEL GOLDWYN: "Another great Movie from Samuel Goldwyn! Me a Filmmaker! Jewish! I still remember the Squaw Man movie of 1913! Goldwyn Pictures! Paramount Pictures! Living from 1882 being born in Warsaw until my death in 1974 I did say that; ‘Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined’ and ‘anything that man says you’ve got to take with a dose of salts’ even here in the hereafter. I was an Independent Producer in Hollywood! Did I really say that; ‘I don’t think anybody should write his autobiography until after he’s dead’ or not? Where did that recluse Howard Hughes go?"

CARY GRANT: Living from 1904 to 1986 I did say that; ‘Everybody wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.’ Judy, Judy, Judy, where are you, my dear?

DW GRIFFITH: "Living from 1875 to 1948 and being considered by many the first major Amerikan film director my silent movie Intolerance of 1916 was deemed ‘intolerant’ by many people but was simply misunderstood as well as the ‘melodramatic’ epic The Birth of a Nation of which I did call ‘history by lightning’ and yes, I did say that; ‘There will never be talking pictures’ and I did say that; ‘Actors should never be important. Only directors should have power and place.’"

WILL H HAYS: Living from 1879 to 1954 I do not regret I headed the MPPDA and enacted strict rules on censorship of the Amerikan Film Industry and even here I pledge to do the same thing.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: [walks up sideways dressed in black cape with black painted mustache & turns & hestitates then yells] Boo! Did I scare you? M-U-R-D-E-R! Blondes, Psychological Thrillers, Suspense, The Macabre, Expressionist, Melodrama, Homicide, Sabotage, Double Entendres, Victims, Obsession, Espionage, Heroine, Horror, Audience Scariness, Mental Procresses, Villains, Fetishes, Audience Emotional Reactions, [whispers] S-E-X-U-A-L-I-T-Y! Sexual Aberrations! [fake bows]

Audience claps.

FANS YELL: Alfred the Great is a great cinema artist but personally an obnoxious knucklehead!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: You want me to do comedies?

Laughs.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: When should I do the Cameo Performance?

Laughs.

FANS YELL: His performance is so Hitchcockian!

Laughs.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: I am not finished yet to your personal horror. Good…I hope I did and did not offend you at the same time! Such is the reality of a chiller. [belches] Sorry! Notorious Goiter trouble on the home front! Suspicious group, are they not? [stops] Good Evening! What’s so good about it? Master of Suspense tis I! Eggs are evil incarnate, my PSYCHOANALYST agrees! Was I slobbering while eating those obnoxious eggs?

Laughs.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: [continues] "Where is and what is my McGuffin? Am I really an Expressionist? Maestro of Suspense? Where is Norman Bates when you need him but more importantly where is his adorable mother? Good evening to you and not to me today! Existing on earth from 1899 to 1990 as a theatrical maestro and English film director and producer of macabre thrillers and suspenses and voyeuristic films, Boo, boo again, I did both silent and talking movies and they both were challenging but I must say that my 1929 sound Blackmail to the 1930 thriller Metro to the 1934 film The Man Who Knew Too Much to the 1935 The Thirty-Nine Steps to the 1936 Secret Agent to the 1938 Sabotage and The Lady Vanishes to my 1941 film Suspicion to the 1954 thriller Dial M for Murder and to the 1954 suspense film Rear Window to the 1959 thriller Vertigo and the 1959 spy thriller North by Northwest and the 1960 black-and-white and very ‘profitable’ Psycho to 1963 horror film The Birds etc. etc…" [stops]

All is quiet.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: [continues] "Oh dear! MY grammar while talking is so un-British. The Tele! I said that the ‘Television is like the invention of indoor plumbing. It didn’t change people’s habits. It just kept them inside the house.’ Documentary and Film! I said that; ‘In the documentary the basic material has been created by God, whereas in the fiction film the director is a God; he must create life.’ Silent film! I did say that; ‘The silent pictures were the purest form of cinema.’ I also did say that; ‘If I was making ‘Cinderella,’ everyone would look for the corpse.’

"By the way I am working on some new films here in the Kingdom changing The Man Who Knew Too Much to The Man Who Knew Too Little But Survived to Tell the Tale: Or Did He?; a new dark satire called The Thirteen Commandments; a spy thriller called Celestial Secret Agent Lady: Are You A Natural Blonde?; a rapturing psycho film called Dial S for Suicide; and a ripped Alfred the Ripper not Jack….[hesitates] Now I am going to do Celestial Comedy. Whitemail not Blackmail!"

Claps.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: [continues] "I don’t think I ever really met the bombshell Marilyn Monroe but would love to have her as my movie star in an Infernal Gentlemen Prefer Blonds and so Do I! The 39 Steps will be changed to 666 Steps to the Inferno! I did Topaz on earth but here I will do Rhinestone. I will do a satirical remake of The Pink Panther calling it Swarowski Krystal of Cheap Jewelry. They say all my films have no heart but what about my Marnie? Did I really say that; ‘actors are like cattle’ as they really are?"

Claps.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK: [continues] Merci if that is French and Thank you. I must go to the WC but I know the Amerikans know not what that is. Could I have some wonderful Olde Ceylonese Earl Grey’s Tea, British style preferably with a lemon twist for my nagging goiter and did I mention my mother-in-law, such an intriguing battleaxe she was?

Claps and laughs.

A MINI-SKIT MORALITY PLAY ABOUT HOWARD HUGHES

HOWARD HUGHES: [angry & arrogant] "Paradigms! Anger! Popcorn! Chocolate! Pizzpots! Crazy Tycoon! Humbuggery, I tell you! They all called me an arrogant, eccentric, drug addict, reclusive, lunatic, crack pot, paranoid, madness incarnate, demented monster, even college dropout, hermit, lousy movie producer, infested with an ‘obsessive compulsive disorder,’ extreme mood swings, ‘allodynia,’ never brushed my teeth… [roars] and The Billionaire who buys everyone off with my money! [silence] Yes, yes, I did say; ‘I’m not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I’m a billionaire.’

"Well, I ain’t got any more politikal power here, you fools! Listen, money can never buy anyone happiness anyways! However, I still believe that; ‘Every man has his price, or a guy like me couldn’t exist.’ [laughs] But I did enjoy making money in my 1930 movie Hell’s Angels and the 1932 Scarface and the 1943 The Outlaw and…ah, somebody wrote an unathorized Autobiography of me in 1972 without my permission. Clifford Irving and Richard Suskind, I think is their names! Can you believe it? [hesitant] I don’t know why I am speaking here since I still want to remain a recluse unlike JD Salinger, Emily Dickinson, Marcel Proust and others…[laughs]

I was the victim and not the perpetrator of that massive silly Hoax! I loved Aviation and my actress wife Jean Peters in that order. I truly miss seeing my first radio transmitter of 1916. I want to start playing golf again here. [swings golf club] I could need some lovely ‘freshly squeezed’ vitamin D orange juice now too. And I’m still working on my ‘Spruce Goose’ Hughes H-4 Hercules aircraft and others here trying to perfect it and attempt to do inter-planetary travel to Mars and the other planets if God or his Celestial Administrators permit me. I lived from 1905 to 1976.

Silence.

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: [laughs] I told you, son, never have partners with anyone! My revolutionary ‘patent for the three-headed oil drill bit’ for drilling oil even through rock set the stage for your business empire success but your public personality was too bizarre even for me!

HOWARD HUGHES: [feeling elated] Father, yes, that is very true but you told me you’d be here for me.

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: "I am proud of what my son Howard Junior has done But…you did not even say ‘thank you’ when you finished giving that speech."

HOWARD HUGHES: [feeling rejected] I was waiting for a Big But, Dad! It was I who was deceived not I who deceived people! Corrupt oliticaly, greedy businessmen, phony but ‘beautiful’ Hollywood starlets, dishonest conniving literary writers, they all deceived me Good for their own benefit!

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: I’m talking, son, don’t interrupt me now. But Fame and Fortune is not the only things in life, kid.

HOWARD HUGHES: [very anxious] Well, Father, I…

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: [sternly] It was I, not you, who founded the Hughes Tool Co in 1909 when You were not yet age 4. Your mother Allene died when you were 16 and me when you were 18 but we both felt strongly here that you should have finished graduating at Rice University instead of dropping out. No excuses now are even accepted!

HOWARD HUGHES: [very anxious] I never enjoyed established education, father, but then…

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: "Well, you know, My Son aspired to be the richest man in the entire world of which he got pretty close in the top hundred probably; the greatest aviator remembering I do here when he broke the world’s Speed Record literally flying Around the World with a crew for 91 straight hours in 1938; the most famous Hollywood movie mogul which he got close starting in both silent movies and moving to talkies; and the ‘world’s best golfer’ but not necessarily in that ambitious order. He built the largest plane in the world at that time called the Spruce Goose in 1947."

HOWARD HUGHES: Well, shucks, this is some truth to that, Dad. I did not get to everything I wanted but then…

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: Gosh, Howard Junior even was the country’s premier Defense Contractor, owned Las Vegas Casinos, mucho real estate wherever and…

HOWARD HUGHES: [interrupts weeping] Well, Father, I did accomplish much more and…

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: [sternly] "Again I’m talking! But most importantly to me and his mother he founded upon his death the very eminent and bio-medical research Howard Hughes Medical Institute which was at that time was the largest private philanthropic organization in the entire world after General Motors bought out Hughes Aircraft in 1985 for $5 billion of which that Institute was and is to me and his mother we are deeply proud."

HOWARD HUGHES: [weeping] I don’t know what to say now…

FATHER OF HOWARD HUGHES: We both thank you for that accolade, Son.

HOWARD HUGHES: [weeping] Thank you, Father. That’s the first thank you I have ever received from you that I really remember since you of course died when I was 18 and mom died too young too. You remember that…ah you now only thanked me after I died—so I can now tell you how grateful I am.

MOTHER ALLENE: [arrives] Howard Junoir, after the Annual Lantern Parade come over for dinner at the homestead. We have your favorite food for you.

HOWARD HUGHES: [smiling] A home cooked meal from your mother could force me to catch them Texas copperhead snakes again!

MOTHER ALLENE: See you soon, Howie.

HOWARD HUGHES: [smiling] Ah, they say that I wanted my biography written on the Golden Tablets and kept in a basement at the Mormon Tablernacle in Salt Lake City but the Mormon Elders would put a fatwa against me!

RICHARD SUSKIND: [sarcastic] Gotcha! We almost Gotcha! The Greatest Hoax of All Hoaxes! Fake Out! The Olde Shell Game! We almost did it! We almost pulled off the greatest Literary Caper of the 20th century or of all time! As the literary partner with Clifford Irving in the conspiratorial ‘unauthorized authorized’ Auto-Biography of the billionaire ‘recluse’ businessman genius Howard Hughes I lived on earth in the USA from 1925 to 1999 and did serve my country honorably in World War II in the European Theatre including the Battle of the Bulge. When I arrived here I thought they were going to place me in the Limbo of eternal perdition while waiting until my Celestial Trial here. I was sentenced to 6 but served 5 months in jail on earth while Clifford Irving served a tougher 17 months in jail and is still alive being born in 1930. Hughes was truly enigmatic and eccentric but I never met him until here and he’s the same personality here too. I like his father better. Hah! I’m going back to studying music and writing fictions about Knights and Crusaders since I can meet the originals here. On earth Clifford and I used to joke that when we get to Heaven we are going to pull off the same sham with the Devil with the blessing of the Celestial leadership here. Hah! That is our next book together when Clifford shows up soon. If not we’ll interview Howard Hughes Senior and Howard Hughes Junior together and get a blast from that!

BACK TO THE ENTERTAINERS

MARGARET HUGHES: They say I was the ‘first professional actress’ performing Shakespeare among others on the British stage living from 1645 to 1719.

JAPANESE KABUKI THEATRE ACTOR: "I am the traditional benshi narrator who make commentary on both film and also speak some dialogue."

THE JOKER: I’m back…but where is that joke of a crime fighter they call Batman and his stupid little adolescent Robin bird?

AL JOLSON: "Being an Amerikan vaudeville star and entertainer they called me The Jazz Singer in 1929 who lived from 1886 to 1950. I’m meeting with Irving Berlin to write some new songs."

DANNY KAYE: Sunshine and hope! As an American actor and comedian living from 1911 to 1987 I did say that; ‘I became an entertainer not because I wanted to but because I was meant to.’ Watch me pull a rabbit out of my…

BORIS KARLOFF: [walks up dressed like Frankenstein’s Monster with platform boots] "GRrrrrrr! Give me Water! No, fire! I miss my Roundabout! Living from 1887 to 1969 as an English actor I played many parts in both silent and spoken film but I just loved playing and am known for playing the Egyptian priest Imhotep in the 1932 film The Mummy; the 1931 Frankenstein; the 1935 Bride of Frankenstein; the 1939 Son of Frankenstein and I enjoyed even much much more the real 1818 novel book Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus by the young Mary Shelley not the film which I wrote now stating that I said; ‘I ought to be thy Adam; but I am rather the fallen angel.’ And it is written that I also said; ‘My person was hideous and my stature gigantic. What did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable to solve them.’ And; ‘I am an unfortunate and deserted creature, I look around and I have no relation or friend upon earth.’ And as I stated to Robert Walton that; ‘I shall die, and what I now feel be no longer felt. Soon these burning miseries will be extinct. I shall ascend my funeral pile triumphantly and exult in the agony of the torturing flames. The light of that conflagration will fade away; my ashes will be swept into the sea by the winds. My spirit will sleep in peace, or if it thinks, it will not surely think thus. Farewell.’ Where is Mary Shelley when I need her?" [bows]

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: [arrives] Hey, where’s the monster man, Victor and even Belo Lugosi?

Claps.

BUSTER KEATON: "Living from 1895 to 1966 as an American actor and stunt performer I say here that you just can call me The General named after that silent movie of 1927 I adored tremendously and of course the 1928 silent fim called Steamboat Bill Jr and the 1928 film The Cameraman but…I gotta see my buddy Charlie Chaplin. We’re working on a comedy skit for the kids caught in the Infernal jails."

GENE KELLY: [still dancing with umbrella] Living from 1912 to 1996 as an American actor and dancer and singer I still want to be ‘singing in the rain’ all the time but yes, I did say that; ‘Fred Astaire represented the aristocracy, I represented the proletariat.’ Skoal.

JEROME KERN: [composing] "My Swing Time of 1936 was fun and I must compose another score here making it…"

ACTOR KING KONG: [jumping up & down] Rooooaaarrr! Did I scare you? I must work on these special effects better!

NADEZHDA KRUPSKAYA: As Vladimir’s Lenin’s wife living from 1869 to 1939 I led the Soviet Cinema Committee as its secretary and developed the first film school in the world called the VGIK or the All-Union Institute of Cinematography…

LOIS LANE: I hear that Robin of the Batman series is looking for me.

FRITZ LANG: "Master of Darkness! Expressionist Filmmaker! Pre-Film Noir! Life is but my 1921 silent movie called Destiny. Is it not and how did you enjoy my silent 1926 film Metropolis too? Living from 1890 to 1976 as an Austrian film director I also produced in 1930 M and in 1932 The Testament of Dr Mabuse…and in 1936 the gangster movie Fury and in 1936 Captain Courageous and in 1938 Boys Town and…"

I do not like to be categorized in anyway about my film or literary ouvre."

CHARLES LAUGHTON: [walking with hands behind his back] "Mister Christian! The crew of the Bounty are criminals and degenerates and…but I also played in 1933 The Private Life of Henry VIII who may be the same characteristically as me but this has no effect on my abilities as a thespian and…"

STAN LAUREL of LAUREL & HARDY: Geez, Olie, I skinny Stanley lived from 1890 to 1965 and You fatty Olie lived from 1892 to 1957. Should we put on a play here now?

OLIVER HARDY: "Geez, how about the 1927 Putting the Pants on Philip comedy?"

STAN LAUREL: Olie, what is a modern loser, dork, creep, geek, techno-nerd, computer hacker and…what does a computer do anyways besides adding and…?

Some cheers.

BELA LUGOSI: [covering face with black cape] I never drink anyone but wine, sweet human wine.

FRENCH LUMIERE BROTHERS: "Mon Dieu! Was it not us who created the first film called Workers Leaving the Lumière Factory?"

FREDRIC MARCH: "Living from 1897 to 1975 as an American film and stage actor I played many people on film and did enjoy playing the fictional Matthew Harrison Brady aka William Jennings Bryan in Inherit the Wind with Spencer Tracy as the fictional Henry Drummond aka Clarence Darrow which was a Hollywood film fiction of the Scopes Monkey Trial of 1925."

CLARENCE DARROW: Did I hear my name here? I am waiting to defend Josephus in the Trial of the Double-Millenium but I overheard that there is a mortal American attorney named Darryl Buchanan who will defend him.

WISE PROPHET: [covering eyes] "Oh, no, here comes the Marx Brothers and Company, all of them including Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo and Gummo in a Celestial routine, I think. There may be others. Burlesque! Slapstick humour! An attractive proper English lady walks by while Groucho is being interviewed by a newwspaper reporter. Watch this."

VARIETY REPORTER: [writing interview] Tell me about yourself but keep it short and truthful, Sire.

GROUCHO MARX: [twirling cigar] "The 1932 Horse Feathers movie and the 1933 Duck Soup and the 1935 A Night at the Opera and the 1937 A Day at the Track were all very funny but took a lot of hard work." [sees a pretty lady]

Lady walks by.

GROUCHO MARX: La-dah; ‘Here’s to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet.’ Excuse me, gorgeous. Would you marry me if I had a million bucks?

ENGLISH LADY: [stops] I’m upper class English! That was rude, crude, and socially unacceptable behavior.

GROUCHO MARX: [google eyes] I’m sorry! I thought I saw the most gorgeous woman alive but then I must have been mistaken.

ENGLISH LADY: [stopping] I looked the word obnoxious up in the dictionary and it had a picture of you, sire.

GROUCHO MARX: [rolling eyes] I’m sorry I’m not bourgeois that ‘I don’t have a photograph. I’d give you my footprints, but they’re upstairs in my socks.’ Really!

ENGLISH LADY: [stopping] Really!

GROUCHO MARX: [twisting mustache] "Ah, I got a bootleg copy of the zany movies Animal Crackers and Duck Soup and a barrel of 3.2 beer and some candies and day olde popcorn. Want to have a party, gorgeous?"

ENGLISH LADY: [smiling] It’s about time you asked me to your suite.

GROUCHO MARX: I ain’t gotta suite. I gotta some sweets! We’ll play in the first empty boxcar we can hitch a ride with…

ENGLISH LADY: [laughing] Never now have I been so embarrassed and…

CHICO: [interrupts] Man with a twirling mustache and wet cigar, I’m looking for the famous Marx brothers. Do you know where are they?

GROUCHO: [trying to light wet cigar] There ain’t no famous Marx Brothers here but can I borrow a dollar for the horse race and a dime for a bootleg beer and a nickel to take the horse carriage to the train track? I’ll pay you back next year when Christmas comes if it comes but I’ll be in Poughkeepsie New York watching the real Marx Brothers perform.

HARPO: [hits horn while playing harp] Ba-da-bingster…

GROUCHO: [licking cigar] My agent Harpo here says the Marx Brothers went to Hollywood instead to perform and …

ZEPPO: Where is my lost brother Gummo?

GUMMO: Gummo is me! I’m here trying to break into vaudeville by myself in the Kingdom but it’s tough.

UNCLE AL SHEAN: I should of stayed with them. I been famous then!

MOTHER MINNIE: Don’t forget, boys, come home for some matso ball soup.

FATHER FRENCHIE: Honey, you have no Italian food today?

NAILS ELLIS: Hey, I should have had brothers like that!

KARL MARX: I never heard of the Marx Brothers on earth when I lived.

FREDRICH ENGELS: Karl, that’s because Groucho Marx lived from 1890 to 1977 and his other brothers Harpo from 1888 to 1964; Chico from 1887 to 1961; Zeppo from 1901 to 1979; and Gummo from 1894 to 1977. They were Jewish and very funny.

KARL MARX: I am Jewish too in a sense but I am not funny nor do comedy.

FREDRICH ENGELS: I’ll explain them to you later.

Claps & howls.

DEAN MARTIN: [acting drunk] Plastic surgeons too! Living from 1917 to 1995 as an Italian-American actor I do have a great quote that you have heard before: ‘I’d hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that’s as good as you’re going to feel all day.’ I really am not drunk all the time. I do it for my fans. Well, some time.

LOUIS MAYER: Living from 1885 to 1957 in America as a Jewish immigrant they did call me the ‘King of Hollywood’ but more importantly they say I operated MGM with an ‘Iron Hand’ but then so what? That is how financial success works. Yes, I did say at one time that; ‘You know how I’m smart? I got people around me who know more than I do.’ Shalom.

LEWIS MILESTONE: "My epic All Quiet on the Western Front film in 1930 was truly revolutionary too. Born in Moldova of Bessarabia and living from 1895 to 1980 I must add that I worked as a Russian-American screenwriter and film director and was not ‘a Communist sympathizer’ as accused. Thank you."

PAUL MUNI: "I lived from 1895 to 1967 as an American actor and I did love playing Scarface in 1932 and playing Louis Pasteur in The Story of Louis Pasteur in 1936."

MINORU MURATA: "As the Japanese director of the 1921 Souls on the Road I started the Japanese ‘mood film’ but then…"

FW MURNAU: "I lived from 1888 to 1931 as a German film director. Did you enjoy my expressionist horror 1922 film Nosferatu: a Symphony of Horrors or my favorite 1927 movie called Sunrise?"

EMPEROR NERO: Even though I was an ancient Roman Emperor who reigned before the modern movies I am an actor first; an Emperor second, and a lyre player and a liar! I do not deign to be a member of the Screen Actors Guild.

PAUL NEWMAN: Living from 1925 to 2008 I was an American actor and loved the show business and the money and fame but I did say that; ‘I was terrorized by the emotional requirements of being an actor. Acting is like letting your pants down; you’re exposed.’

DAVID O’SELZNICK: "Living from 1902 to 1965 as an American movie producer at MGM I helped do the 1932 Grand Hotel and 1935 Mutiny on the Bounty and hopefully would love to do movies here if and when they are permitted."

YASUJIRO OZU: "Ko-nee-chee-wa (Good day). Please, I as Japanese film maker produced first talkie in 1936 called Hitori Musuko (The Only Son) before World War II emphasizing the Japanese ‘gendai-geki genre’ of modern not feudal Japan. I lived from 1903 to 1963. Ah-ree-ga-toh (Thank you). Slash-a-slash-a!"

COLE PORTER: "Hmm, I enjoyed my Born to Dance of 1936 and must also compose another Celestial Musical score here that would knocks your socks off too"

ACTOR VINCENT PRICE: Living from 1911 to 1993 as an American actor I did say that; ‘It’s as much fun to scare as to be scared.’ And I did say also since I just adore art that; ‘I trust people who are violent about art, as long as they aren’t closed-minded. But, unfortunately, most art blowhards are also art bigots.’

SERGEI PROKOFIEV: "As a Russian composer who lived from 1891 to 1953 I am here just to listen to this dramatic extravaganza and I did love completing my seven operas and various other symphonies, ballets, piano and violin concertos. My favorite operas were The Love for Three Oranges and War and Peace."

VSEVOLOD PUDOVKIN: "I thought my 1924 Soviet silent film The Extraordinary Adventures of Mr West in the Land of Bolsheviks and the 1925 The Death Ray and the 1927 The End of St Petersburg glorifying the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution were excellent."

RONALD REAGAN: Thank you for listening. I am still a Republican and do believe that; ‘We’re the party that wants to see an America in which people can still get rich.’ I still feel that the SAG group was dearest to my heart but some people say I have been an actor all my life [laughs] particularly when I ran for Governor of California and became President. I did also say that; ‘Government is like a big baby—an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other’ and that at a Press Conference in 1986 I did say that; ‘It’s difficult to believe that people are starving in this country (USA) because food isn’t available.’ Born in 1911 and dying in 2004 I just say, Tah, tah I’m still the Gipper!

HARRY REEMS: "Yes, yes, I was that pornographic actor Dr Young in the infamous 1972 movie with Linda Lovelace called Deep Throat living from 1947 to 2013…Hey, I want to drink some Long Island Iced Tea…and I did not die of AIDS, I don’t think."

JEAN RENOIR: "As the son of the great French Impressionist artist Auguste Renoir living from 1894 to 1979 I was both a filmmaker and Director doing silent and talkies. I shot the 1931 film Toni and in 1935 The Crime of Mister Lange and in 1937 Grand Illusion and in 1939 The Rules of the Game; all films which explored the ‘social oppression and injustice’ and ‘cultural dynamics’ of the world. Merci."

EDWARD G ROBINSON: [acting] "You dirty rats! Am I playing the wrong character? I loved playing in 1931 the loveable gangster Little Caesar and in 1959 playing with Frank Sinatra in A Hole in the Head and I did live from 1893 to 1973 beign born in Romania."

FRANK SINATRA: "Born in Hoboken New Jersey I started singing with The Three Flashes! I loved the Bobby Soxers! They called me the Blue-eyed Swinger! Pop Music! Crooner! Romantic! Comeback Kid! The Voice! I also played Heroin Junkie Frankie Machine Actor in The Man with the Golden Arm in 1955! Played Maggio as soldier actor in From Here to Eternity in 1953! Played Major Bennett Marco in The Manchurian Candidate in 1962! Played Danny Ocean in Ocean’s Eleven movie in 1960! Played Col Joe Ryan in Von Ryan’s Express in 1965! Etc. etc.

"But living from 1915 to 1998 I had such a wonderful life as an Amerikan actor and singer. Gosssip! Gossip! Gossip! Chairman of the Board! Rat Pack with Dean Martin, Peter Lawford, Sammy Davis Jr and Joey Bishop! Party Loving!

"I did say something like; ‘I’m not unmindful of a man’s seeming need for faith; I’m for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. But to me